Tis that season
Christmas. What does it even mean anymore. It seems to have lost its face value. When I wa a child everything made since the holidays had a meaning. Now they are just a reminder of what I don't have what I can't have and what I wish I could giive. So this year I tried to make is as magical as posible for my little one.
But she is not allowed to ask for presents. After all this is the season for giving. Right? I am trying to teach her to be thankful for what she has I don't sse how I can do that by allowing her to ask what she wants.
Now under my tree you will find pants, construction paper, clay, books, wood things to paint, flash cards, blocks, board games, things that I must do with my child qualty family time. I will not sit my child in front of the nearest game boy and insist on it to rase my child. that is my responsiblity. No one elses. I love my daughter and want only the best. But the most expensive gifts on the market do not seem to be the best I want my child to have memories with me. NOt re-runs. Which seems to be the craze in America today. Perhaps I am fucked. I don't care. Perhaps she will be mad at the way I don't allow certian things inside my home. She will thank me one day. When she has a child of her own. I am trying my best. And still it seems that I am constantly being judged a young single parent. Does the sterio type bother me? No because I am the exeption. I may strugle. I might not be a stay at home mom. But I am still old fashion and put my child ahead of everyone and everything on this planet.
I might of done somethings in my past that was not exceptable. I can not change that but I can change here and now. And my futures past. I wish that my parent would of spent more quality time with me. I will not have my daughter say that to me. I might have to work. But when I get home it is the Maley show. When she goes to bed it is my time. She may wish that I was here more but I have to provide. but she will never think I leave because I want to it is because I have to. Home is my life, all other places is just going threw the motions.
So this Christmas I don't wish for love, I already have it. I don't wish to be loved because I already am. I'm not searching for that one special gift that lights up someones day because I already made it. I'm not sulking because I'm alone because I never really am. It is just a feeling I bring on myself. I am not wishing things were different because in time they will be. and who knows the out come it could be worse or better. But in any event I always have the one person that makes me want to do more the one that makes me what to be more, motivation to see more thatn I can, be more than I know, live more than life. The one person that makes me want to change the secne to something I don't understand. But want to . A life that stories are made of...Struggle, conflict, love, concure, acheve, and stillness.
This is what I can do. Make it be a rolemodle for her. A tower of strenght all build for her.
Hope the best for all on this Christmas soon to come. And if you got the holiday blues remember this to shall pass. In time the cloud will lift. Love.
But she is not allowed to ask for presents. After all this is the season for giving. Right? I am trying to teach her to be thankful for what she has I don't sse how I can do that by allowing her to ask what she wants.
Now under my tree you will find pants, construction paper, clay, books, wood things to paint, flash cards, blocks, board games, things that I must do with my child qualty family time. I will not sit my child in front of the nearest game boy and insist on it to rase my child. that is my responsiblity. No one elses. I love my daughter and want only the best. But the most expensive gifts on the market do not seem to be the best I want my child to have memories with me. NOt re-runs. Which seems to be the craze in America today. Perhaps I am fucked. I don't care. Perhaps she will be mad at the way I don't allow certian things inside my home. She will thank me one day. When she has a child of her own. I am trying my best. And still it seems that I am constantly being judged a young single parent. Does the sterio type bother me? No because I am the exeption. I may strugle. I might not be a stay at home mom. But I am still old fashion and put my child ahead of everyone and everything on this planet.
I might of done somethings in my past that was not exceptable. I can not change that but I can change here and now. And my futures past. I wish that my parent would of spent more quality time with me. I will not have my daughter say that to me. I might have to work. But when I get home it is the Maley show. When she goes to bed it is my time. She may wish that I was here more but I have to provide. but she will never think I leave because I want to it is because I have to. Home is my life, all other places is just going threw the motions.
So this Christmas I don't wish for love, I already have it. I don't wish to be loved because I already am. I'm not searching for that one special gift that lights up someones day because I already made it. I'm not sulking because I'm alone because I never really am. It is just a feeling I bring on myself. I am not wishing things were different because in time they will be. and who knows the out come it could be worse or better. But in any event I always have the one person that makes me want to do more the one that makes me what to be more, motivation to see more thatn I can, be more than I know, live more than life. The one person that makes me want to change the secne to something I don't understand. But want to . A life that stories are made of...Struggle, conflict, love, concure, acheve, and stillness.
This is what I can do. Make it be a rolemodle for her. A tower of strenght all build for her.
Hope the best for all on this Christmas soon to come. And if you got the holiday blues remember this to shall pass. In time the cloud will lift. Love.