the day from hell
Today was literally the day from hell. It all started with camp where our bus ride ended up taking 3 hours and we were the last bus to camp. It was all because of stupid parents and their stupid shit and arghhh I'm just to distraught now to even go into detail about it. Then I get to camp and the groups that came were just awful. AWFUL. We had all boys groups today and I just can't handle 31 six year old boys running around the drama pavillion. I thought I was going to shoot myself. In the middle of the day I took my break and called guess who, yep, David (grrrr). So then I ate lunch with EJ and Alex and some of the LTs and then went back to my all-boy-group-crappy-ass day. So then we leave camp, we're trying to get to our first stop where we have to go over a one-lane bridge for. Well our bitchy bus driver makes an attempt to go over the bridge and smacks into the side of it causing her tire to bus. We had to call camp, call parents, and it was just awful. I finally got home at around 6 and had to get ready to go out with David.
We just couldn't decide what to do so we ended up walking around near starbucks and then going to Barnes and Noble for a bit. We then went back to the car, drove aimlessly around for what seemed like forever, and stopped at a parking lot. We, well, you know, but then somehow he started talking about how Froyd could understand everything except for women and then that some how led into us discussing our relationship. This is actually the only time me and David have ever seriously talked about our relationship in 6 months, and as most of you know there is barely anything there. I feel liek I always tried to make something out of nothing and now I'm just a big idiot for caring. There are a million other guys that I could have gone out with and yet I don't, I genuinely care(d) about him and he didn't give a shit about me. He flat out told me that he doesn't love me and he doesn't even like me in the "like like" me sense. Actually, no, he said that he likes me somewhere between liking and "like liking," whatever that means. He also told me (take into account that this may be a bit skewed because it is only my side of the story) that he is only going out with me because I would go out with him, translating to he's desperate. He told me I'm to indecisive (which all of you know to not be true) and that he wants to take "a break." What is a break? Who else does he really want to be with that he needs to take a break from me? I don't get it. I don't feel heart broken at all because when it comes down to it my feelings were probably more like his then I would like to believe, but I just don't understand how so much could just come pouring out in the back seat of a volvo. Why had he never brought this all to my attention before? I told him that I wanted a "real" relationship, whatever that means and told him that we either needed to do an all or nothing deal, I can't keep restraining myself to this o-we-see-each-other-once-every-two-months deal that we have going on. And the thing is I don't just want any boyfriend, or a boyfriend just to be all girly and be like "OH MY GAWD my boyfriend is soooooo dreamy" ::giggle::, but I want DAVID as my BOYFRIEND and I really don't think that that is so hard to ask. Granted, getting over David definitley would not be one of the harder things that I've had to do in my life, but when I think about it I sort of wish he would be harder to get over. I want a real relationship with him and I feel as if he's afraid to have one. He wants something that is inbetween all and nothing and I just think that we can't do that (please tell me if you agree or disagree). He told me he needed time to think about it and then as we were nearing my house asked me something along the lines of "would you be completely shattered if we just took a break?" Of course I wouldn't be completely shattered, don't give yourself that much credit, but I'm not a quitter and never have been and I don't want to quit on this. I don't want to marry you, but I want to try and make something work with YOU. I don't want to go out and date my 86 other crushes, I want to date YOU. I don't know why, I wish I didn't, I really do, but that's just how it is. Grrrr the paranoia is kicking in along with the lack of sleep. Can you sleep away a heart that should be broken?