A Maudlin moment
Whenever I get the urge to come to some form of internet medium to whine about my problems I think again and wonder how some dude somewhere is tracking all of the information that passes out unencrypted from my hands to check whether I am some kind of security threat or a possible doer of bad things. In this particular case this writing exercise is to keep my brain solvent and capable of doing things, which earlier today it was not doing very well at. The stress of having to do two things at once was very irritating, and resulted in one not getting done by me and the other being a 2 hour ride against rush hour traffic thankfully.
On to the maudlin stuff. I don't like being not able to talk to people about stuff. I've been feeling less and less emotive over the last period of time and generally unconvinced that me talking to people will sort anything out. Perhaps its due to "that girl" coming back into town and blah blah blah, divert attention away from my personal issues to another person. This is obviously a cop out and thusly requires another explanation.
What I can figure rationally is that I am currently afraid of entanglements. My erstwhile family and the excruciating issues that currently surround that deal has made me seek more and more dissociative stuffs, like booze, or video games. Which actually I've been doing markedly less of lately, than previous times. I'm perhaps somewhat dissatisfied with my state of affairs, and wish to change them. However sadly I lack the knowledge as to how to go about changing my state of affairs.
The last statement is not entirely true. I have an idea of what I can do in regards to some of it. If I was willing to risk mundaneness, I could just be interested in more normal stuff and try to associate with the world through that lens. It becomes more and more apparent that I don't even really fit in well with my friends sometimes, which makes me sad.
What I probably need to do more is just get out more and do stuff, market self, etc. I'm sure a solution will present itself to my brain at some point.
On to the maudlin stuff. I don't like being not able to talk to people about stuff. I've been feeling less and less emotive over the last period of time and generally unconvinced that me talking to people will sort anything out. Perhaps its due to "that girl" coming back into town and blah blah blah, divert attention away from my personal issues to another person. This is obviously a cop out and thusly requires another explanation.
What I can figure rationally is that I am currently afraid of entanglements. My erstwhile family and the excruciating issues that currently surround that deal has made me seek more and more dissociative stuffs, like booze, or video games. Which actually I've been doing markedly less of lately, than previous times. I'm perhaps somewhat dissatisfied with my state of affairs, and wish to change them. However sadly I lack the knowledge as to how to go about changing my state of affairs.
The last statement is not entirely true. I have an idea of what I can do in regards to some of it. If I was willing to risk mundaneness, I could just be interested in more normal stuff and try to associate with the world through that lens. It becomes more and more apparent that I don't even really fit in well with my friends sometimes, which makes me sad.
What I probably need to do more is just get out more and do stuff, market self, etc. I'm sure a solution will present itself to my brain at some point.