standing in front of my desperate self and praying {xiumin}
standing in front of my desperate self and praying
xiumin-centric, xiumin/sehun, kris/chanyeol
angst ; r
major themes of homophobia, character death and suicides with coarse language
for the prompt i for aideshou's fifth challenge and 1/101 of the exo challenge - xiumin/sehun; closet
One night, Minseok dreams of a door.
It’s such a plain door, painted white and clean, like no one has ever grasped the doorknob and pulled it open. It has just sat in the darkness, waiting for someone to open it and it to lead the person to a whole new world.
Minseok wakes up before he can actually open that door, and realizes when he wakes up, that his closet door is the same one-rarely used, no scratches, and just waiting for someone to step through and walk into it.
**
The first time he has any boy on boy action is when he’s five and at a friend’s birthday party. Minseok is not particularly skilled in the interaction department, and finds it hard to socialize with any of the boys except for his friend, Lu Han, a boy that recently moved from China. Lu Han has a lot of friends, from many different ages, and Minseok isn’t surprised to see that there is a large flock of people behind Lu Han when Minseok arrives at his birthday party, a box in his hand and worry in his eyes.
“You should try to talk to other people,” Lu Han suggests when Minseok sits in the corner, eating some puffy and cheesy chips by himself, watching as everyone enjoys themselves. Lu Han grabs his cheesy hand and pulls him through the crowd and they stop in front of a pair of taller boys who Minseok later on learns are named Kris and Chanyeol. They both smile when Lu Han appears in front of them, but slowly their faces morph and transform when they see Minseok, standing beside him.
“This is Minseok,” Lu Han introduces, never lacking in confidence. Kris and Chanyeol nods, as if they have already had many meet-ups with Lu Han’s new friends, and this is just someone else. Lu Han pushes Minseok to the couple, and leaves him to find the celebrity of the party who has been named as ‘Kim Jongin’.
Chanyeol is a year younger, but Kris is the same age, and that makes Minseok suddenly calmer. He sits with the two cross-legged, marveled by the length of both of their legs. They stood roughly at the same height-Kris was just a little bit taller. Minseok was suddenly curious, wondering what it must have been like to be that tall, walk on such long legs. But he kept his mouth shut, because it was so much more interesting to watch Chanyeol and Kris interact.
Chanyeol whispered something into Kris’s ear when Lu Han ended up falling on Jongin, which resulted in a flurry of apologies and laughter from everyone but the two. Kris laughed at whatever Chanyeol had said; and Minseok noticed that small glimmer of happiness that seems to shine in Kris’s eyes. Minseok likes that, and finds their interactions much more interesting than Lu Han’s.
Kris soon realizes that Minseok has been watching them for the past twenty minutes, and taps Chanyeol’s arm. Their expressions quickly harden and they scoot away from each other, forcing Minseok to pout, putting his hands into his lap and biting down on his lip, hard.
“You don’t have to stop,” Minseok says, “I was just rather interested in what you were doing. I’m sorry. I’ve just never seen guys act like that around each other like that, is all.” He keeps his head down, humiliation circulating in his veins. He should have not been gawking like an idiot; he should have been a nice person and continued watching Lu Han. It was Lu Han’s party, after all.
Chanyeol giggles, “Thank you, Minseok-hyung. It’s just surprising to see people that are as accepting as you are about it.”
Minseok doesn’t understand what Chanyeol meant then, but understands much later on.
**
When Minseok dreams of the door again the next night, he sees a rope attached to the doorknob. Such a silly place to have a rope, he thinks. Unlike the pristine door, the rope looks rotten and used, like it was from an old boat or the docks, and he is sure that there is blood against the inside of the rope. Otherwise, it is fairly strong, like it could lift up a piano or something similar.
Minseok extends his hand out to touch the rope, but when his fingers brush against the harsh texture, his hands turn dull and gray, and he loses the feeling in his feet. He crumples down onto the nothingness’s floor, clutching his gray hands. The rope flies up and wraps around his neck, until he’s choking, choking-choking to death.
He wakes up panting, tears streaming down his face.
**
One of the main reasons why Minseok doesn’t make that many friends is because he’s chubby most of his life. He gets picked on by the older grades for his fact, losing his lunches “because he doesn’t need it!” and eventually starving himself. He slowly realizes how much he hates his body, and tries to get to many sports teams, like the soccer team or the football team, to try to gain some muscle and erase the fat that has stuck to his body since he was a baby.
He never loses his body fat, even with all the work he does to try to slim down. By thirteen, he’s still a little chubby, and his body just feels disproportioned. His parents tell him that he’ll grow soon, and when he’s finished growing, he’ll look fine. Minseok doesn’t want to wait until he’s eighteen, though. He wants to look good now-or there is no point to doing all that he’s been doing. His parents sigh and buy him some protein shakes, like he asked.
The protein shakes taste awful when it slides down his throat but he toughens up and drinks three a day instead of eating. The results are minimal and they don’t show when he stands in front of the mirror, even if Lu Han tells him cheerily that there are some improvements (“absolutely!”). Minseok knows that that is easy for Lu Han to say-he’s been the same weight for five years, now, and has been graced with the best metabolism in the world.
“I don’t even know why you waste your time losing weight,” Lu Han says, munching down on some French fries in front of Minseok, who begrudgingly swallows down his protein shake. “If you’re doing this to please yourself, you need to a whole bunch more, because you’re never happy.” Lu Han doesn’t let Minseok complain, though-simply raises a hand and shrugs. “So, why are you doing it?”
Minseok crumples again. “I don’t know… It’s just that Jongin is very popular, and he’s really athletic and he dances, so I thought that if I got more muscles and lost this body fat, people would stop bullying me and I would be able to get more friends in the process. That’s why people make fun of me in the first place. I want to show them.”
Lu Han rolls his eyes and places his hand on Minseok’s, “All you have to do is be you. Sure, you may be a little chubby, but that’s all natural! You just need to put yourself out there, and people will like you. I’m your only friend, that makes you a target for bullies.”
Minseok’s chin shakes. Lu Han can state his opinion quickly, he has realized, and maybe that’s why a lot of people find him so entertaining. Minseok sometimes wonders why he’s friends with him anyways; he could probably find some good people without having known Lu Han in the first place. The week that Lu Han goes to China explains to him why; he really misses Lu Han.
**
Byun Baekhyun is Minseok’s next-door-neighbour. They’re rather close in age, and so, his parents usually have pushed them together when it came to play-dates or baby-sitting. Baekhyun is younger, but he is way more outspoken than Minseok is, and he is reminded of Lu Han whenever Baekhyun says something that Minseok would never dare to say. His brown hair and eye-smile has made him very popular at his school, according to him-he doesn’t go to the same school as Minseok or Lu Han do, even if Lu Han already somehow knows who Baekhyun is.
It is one of their baby-sitting days when Minseok’s parents are away to go watch a movie and have a nice date when Minseok is six and Baekhyun is five and a half. Baekhyun has the glamorous life with a pool in his backyard and a sandbox to play in to give off a beach feeling. Because Minseok is too self-conscious to even take his shirt off and swim in the water, they settle for playing in the sandbox, which according to Baekhyun, is much better anyways.
“My father was talking about homos last night,” Baekhyun says, scooping more sand to the bucket in order to help with the walls of the sand castle they have decided to construct with the two hours they have on their hands before dinner. He says it so nonchalantly and Minseok barely catches what he says because of it.
“What are homos?” Minseok asks.
Baekhyun beckons him to come closer, looking around to make sure that no one is around them, before cupping Minseok’s ear. “It’s guys that like guys,” he whispers into his ear, before backing away, checking their surroundings again. Minseok furrows his brow.
“What’s so bad about…homos?” Minseok asks, trying to remember the word in question. “I like you, are you’re a guy, aren’t you? I like Lu Han, too, and he’s a guy-”
Baekhyun rolls his eyes and slaps the side of Minseok’s head. “Not like, like like! Of course I like you and I like Joonmyeon, too, but homos like like other guys! That’s just not natural!” Baekhyun seems flabbergasted at the simple notion of ‘homos’. Minseok, on the other hand, doesn’t understand.
“But Kris and Chanyeol…” Minseok starts.
‘It’s just surprising to see people that are as accepting as you are about it.’
He decides that it’s better to just keep his mouth shut. Baekhyun rolls his eyes, noticing that their sandcastle has now been ruined by their little storytelling.
“Why isn’t it natural, though?” Minseok asks, trying to fix the damage that has been done to the sandcastle by refilling one of the buckets. Baekhyun slaps his hand, as if to say, ‘pay attention!’
Baekhyun sighs, “It isn’t natural, is all! Guys are supposed to be with girls, that’s how it was supposed to be! My dad said that it was because of how we men are made.” Minseok’s eyes widen. How men were made? Like in the tummy made? He looked down at his lap.
If it wasn’t natural, why did it look like Kris and Chanyeol look like they were having so much fun at Lu Han’s birthday party? And at any of the other times that Minseok had run into them? It didn’t make any sense! They seemed to like each other a lot-it didn’t matter if they were both guys. He pouted. He was tempted to ask Baekhyun this, but if he didn’t know, maybe it was better if they didn’t know.
“So you shouldn’t become a homo, or you’ll be going against nature, ok?” Baekhyun forces Minseok to pinky-swear before they can go inside and have a snack, and by this time Minseok’s stomach is rumbling, desperate for food because one of the bullies had stolen his lunch.
Thankfully for Minseok, Baekhyun forgets about that pinky-swear.
**
One night, Minseok dreams of the door again. This time, there is no rope. There is nothing. Just a door and the cowardice attached to it. Again, Minseok doesn’t dare open it. He’s too afraid of what had happened the last time he had tried to open the door to ever do it again. So he backs away and starts running until he eventually wakes up.
**
By a dramatic turn of events, Minseok starts hanging around Kris and Chanyeol more often than Lu Han or Baekhyun. The two don’t mind him following them around, and almost find it adorable. Minseok finds Lu Han to be to blunt lately, and Baekhyun is snappy, whilst Kris and Chanyeol are so much nicer and calm, even with Kris’s deep, glaring eyes.
It’s when he’s thirteen years old when he finally asks the question. He now knows the difference between homosexual and heterosexual and he knows the difference between normal and different. This is why Kris and Chanyeol are so interesting, so fresh, to Minseok-they don’t fit the normal code, and in this way, it’s warming. It’s nice.
“Are you two gay?” he asks when they sit in Chanyeol’s room. Kris and Chanyeol enjoy listening to rap music, a type of music that Minseok is not one-hundred-percent fond of, but will deal with to be around the two others. Kris’s head snaps up and he stares at Chanyeol before turning to Minseok. Minseok crumples back at the force of Kris’s gaze.
Kris stands up, “Who told you?” Chanyeol grabs Kris’s arm and pulls him back down onto the carpeted floor, brushing some of his dyed blonde hair from his eyes, giving him a short smile before smiling brightly at Minseok.
“I-I… I learned it by myself. I’m sorry. You two are just so very close. I didn’t want to make you mad, Kris,” Minseok apologizes as quickly as possible, so fast that he’s sure that he forgot some words while delivering the message.
Kris sighs, “You’re pretty smart then, Minseok-hyung.” Minseok shrugs, biting his lip. “But you do realize that you cannot tell anyone, right?”
“People like us aren’t necessarily accepted. That’s why we’re just going to finish high school, and then we’re going to run away to Canada, where we can get accepted. I’m sorry, but this is just a terrible place for people like Kris and I,” Chanyeol explains.
“I wish you guys didn’t have to leave,” Minseok admits. Kris smiles and hits Minseok’s arm playfully.
“We do have so much longer, though! It’s fine!”
Minseok smiles.
“Do you really think he’ll keep it?” Chanyeol asks when Minseok leaves to go back home. Kris shrugs.
“If he knew for so long, now, and didn’t tell anyone-I doubt he’ll tell anyone now.”
**
Soon he starts realizing what Kris and Chanyeol meant about ‘being accepted.’
Minseok is researching for a project when he hears about a suicide. He’s heard about suicides before; some comes from stress, some from bullying, and some from depression. He knows that his teacher isn’t looking over his shoulder, so he clicks on the article, and starts reading.
The article talks about a boy that upon coming out as a homosexual, was beat up incessantly and called terrible things simply because of his sexual orientation. The teachers, nor the parents of the children, did anything, because they had thought that what the children were doing was right, and with just the right about of pressure, the kid would eventually return to being heterosexual. The boy threw himself off the bridge because of all of things he had been dealing with.
Minseok was flabbergasted-but then there were the comments. People agreed with the parents! His stomach suddenly felt sick.
The next period, he ran to Chanyeol’s locker and trapped him into a wide hug, grabbing onto his sides as hard as he possibly could. He didn’t realize he was crying until the fabric of Chanyeol’s shirt suddenly became wet. Chanyeol bent down a little bit more (Chanyeol had grown much faster than Minseok had) and hugged him back, ruffling the ends of Minseok’s hair. They’re missing class but such things don’t matter.
“What is it, Minseok-hyung?” Chanyeol asks with his joyful tone, handing him a tissue to wipe his face. “There must be a very good reason for you to be crying.” Minseok smiles a little at this, and Chanyeol deems that enough. “Tell me at lunch, ok? I’m sure Kris would like to know as well.”
When it’s time to tell the story, Minseok feels suddenly too sick to eat. After joining Chanyeol and Kris’s party, they refused to watch him drown in protein shakes, so much that they started dragging him out of school during lunch to buy him fast food until he got the gist of it, and started eating well again. When Kris notices that Minseok isn’t eating-he knows that something is up.
“What’s wrong?” Kris asks Chanyeol. Chanyeol sighs; flipping some of his longer, black hair out of his glasses and squishes Minseok’s cheek.
“Something bad happened in one of his classes that he actually ran over to me and started crying, poor hyung,” Chanyeol explains, “I told him to wait until lunch so that he could tell both of us.” Minseok scrunches his lips together and presses his thumbs together.
“I was researching things online for one of my classes and I found a newspaper article. It was so terrible. It was of a boy that was harassed because of, you know, and he eventually just killed himself because of it! And I don’t even know why people would do that. You should be allowed to love whoever you want to love, right? Why does it matter? You guys are cool; you shouldn’t be pushed to your deaths!”
Kris smiles, reaching over and squeezing Minseok’s shoulder. “Minseok-hyung, you are more intelligent at the age of fourteen than many people are at the age of eighty-five.” He winks, and Minseok’s heart swells. “I promise you, we won’t be stoned by our fellow classmates. But if you are ever in danger from being friends with us, please, I wouldn’t make you stay.”
Minseok nibbles on one of his pieces of carrot, “But I’d want to stand up with you guys. It isn’t fair.”
Chanyeol smiles wisely. “Yes, it isn’t fair at all.”
**
This is not the first thing that Minseok learns about real-life homophobia. Unfortunately, it spans for more than just homosexuals, and Minseok quickly realizes that soon, he’ll be standing up for more than just one type of group. He researches about suicides relating to homophobia, youth lines and organizations that are willing to help if you are in that particular position. In South Korea, there aren’t as many as there are in United States, and he wonders how many people are stuck in the closet because of this.
Minseok once asked Chanyeol, when they were lying in his backyard, if Kris and him were in the closet. Chanyeol sighed through his eyes, stretching his hand out so that the clouds served as a backdrop to his long, beautiful fingers. They sat in silence for a very long time, and Minseok was afraid that Chanyeol had fallen asleep when he finally replied.
“I don’t call it ‘in the closet’ if you have finally agreed to it yourself. It was four when I became rather quite interested in Kris, but it was only when I was twelve and I started understanding many different other things that I finally realized that I was gay. It isn’t as big as the movies make it out to be. Honestly, I was watching porn one afternoon with a girl and a guy, and I found nothing attractive about big, bouncy breasts or that little cavern where a dick’s supposed to go inside. I didn’t believe it, that that was natural. It just looked brutish to me.
“Then Kris and I started getting closer and I started noticing how closely I was…inspecting him? Ha, I guess that’s the best way I can describe it without making it sound gross for you,” he explained, “It was when he came over one time that he figured out I was gay, and then it just sort of unraveled from there. At first, I had thought that Kris wouldn’t be my friend afterwards because I had come out, and had told him there was an interest there. Kris was nonchalant, as he typically is, and told me that he would be interested in dating me too. And that’s pretty much how it happened.
“Because we both are gay and we acknowledge the fact that we are gay, there’s no reason why anyone else really needs to know. Being gay, bi, trans or two-spirited, that doesn’t matter, it just matters that you have realized that that is the truth. And sadly, there are a lot of people that just walk the world not giving in to their real feelings, and marrying some girl they don’t even love. It’s pitiful, actually. But yeah, no one but you and your lover needs to really know your feelings. You can say, but sometimes it is not the best. To be honest, Kris and I weren’t going to tell anyone. You just happened to find out.”
Minseok sighed, and they settled into a peaceful silence, watching the clouds race past them on the summery day before year nine. He finally swallowed, turned onto his side, and stared deep into Chanyeol’s dark eyes.
“I think I might be gay,” he admits. Chanyeol sits up and Minseok mimics him, placing his fidgety hands in his lap. He can feel Chanyeol’s eyes on him so he looks down in his lap, but he grabs Minseok’s face and forces him to look up so that their eyes meet.
“You don’t have to do this just because we’re gay, it’s fine, really,” Chanyeol says, “If you’re just doing this to feel normal in our group, you don’t have to. You can be straight and we’ll be perfectly fine with it.” Minseok’s heart is crushed but he understands. He would have probably reacted the same way. He nods.
“But I do think I am gay. You guys made me start thinking, too. I’ve never really found the great things about girls, they’re just annoying and I can’t find a good way to really communicate with them. I’m much more comfortable with guys-and guys topless are pretty awesome.” Chanyeol and Minseok laugh into the air, but promise to each other that their conversation never leaves this yard. Only Kris is allowed to know.
And that promise is never forgotten.
**
The beginning of high school introduces a boy named Oh Sehun. He’s as clumsy as it comes, and unfortunately, Jongin takes him under his wing.
Sehun is automatically liked by everyone because he can make people laugh and smile, and that makes everyone happy when they’re surrounded by such gloomy things like the beginning of some of the hardest years of your life (the all-cursed high school). He’s also rather cute, with his small habit of biting down on his lip when he’s scared or nervous, and with the amount of times that he runs into teachers and other people, that happens often.
Kris doesn’t like him for some strange reason, so for the first half of the year, Minseok doesn’t see that much of this Sehun character. Yes, he hears a lot about him, especially from Lu Han, who for some strange reason still keeps in touch with him on a bi-weekly basis, and his other classmates. Plus, if someone was actually able to pull off their ugly yellow uniform, he would have to see him, yes?
The first time that Minseok and Sehun are formally introduced is at a party thrown by Lu Han when Minseok is on the cusp of turning fifteen. Kris and Chanyeol have magically “disappeared”, and Lu Han hasn’t found someone to entertain Minseok for the amount of time that his friends will be “away”, so he sits on one of the chairs, drinking from a red cup something that is supposed to be pop but has the distinct taste of alcohol instead.
“Hey.”
Minseok looks up to see Sehun, smiling down at him. It’s weird, seeing him out of his school uniform. He’s seen Kris and Chanyeol, and obviously Lu Han, but because Sehun lives on the other side of their town, he doesn’t have the chance to really see him in normal clothes. He wears a pair of gray jeans with a flat red top, and he’s surprised that it actually works that well-but Minseok is sure by now that Sehun can pull off any look without trying.
“Is the seat next to you taken?” Sehun asks, and Minseok is able to pick up just the slightest hint of an accent buried underneath that lisp of his. Minseok giggles into his cup, drinking down more of the alcohol, coughing as it burns down his throat. Sehun sits down beside him on the row of chairs, watching as people mingle around them, and they sit, oblivious to the rest of the world.
“I’m Oh Sehun,” he introduces, extending his hand. Minseok shakes his hand, marveling over the fact that Sehun’s hands are so soft compared to the harsh brittle he’s used to from Lu Han and Chanyeol. Minseok smiles inwardly, wondering if he would come off as too weird if he asked Sehun what kind of hand cream he used “because your skin is just divine!”
“Kim Minseok.” Sehun seems to be happy with that name, because he repeats it and circles it around in his mouth, trying to say it a few more times. Minseok finds this completely adorable, tucking his fidgety hands between his legs as he watches Sehun bite down on his lip. He quickly realizes that that biting the lip habit will slowly get to him. “So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?”
Oh right, Jongin helped with the party, too, Minseok thinks. Out of the two options, Minseok decides that Lu Han is probably the bride, seeing as he looks like a girl sometimes and he certainly has the weight for a girl. “If Lu Han is the bride, than the bride,” Minseok replies, just because he isn’t sure. Sure, Jongin is the embodiment of manliness with pulsating biceps, strong thighs and underarm hair, Sehun might consider the fact that Jongin still watches kid’s television on a weekly basis as a rather feminine thing to do.
(Yes, Minseok had made a little portfolio for Jongin, but learned that his arrogance would eventually blow him to bits-plus he was pretty much certain he was dating Soojung, a girl from their school.)
Sehun laughs, “Yeah, that’s the bride. Jongin’s manliness would hurt if we ever called him a girl.” He looks nice laughing, Minseok deducts, with the way his lips turn up and his eyes close just slightly. Slowly, Minseok started counting all the things that he did like about Sehun. Right now, he didn’t seem to be like Kris had predicted, he seemed to be a pretty nice guy.
“But I bet he’d probably look pretty sweet as a girl, if you dressed him up,” Minseok comments, watching as Lu Han accidentally pushes into Jongin again, and half-wonders if this will be a replay of Lu Han’s five-year old party those many moons ago.
Sehun raises an eyebrow, “To be honest, I bet you’re right about that one.” Minseok holds his breath-did he go too out there? Did Sehun know? He swallowed the lump in his throat, trying his best not to make his thighs shake. “I did hear that you’ve been going to school with him for a very long time, so you probably know a lot about him-like if he is good in drag.” Minseok starts breathing again.
“I honestly don’t know that much about him, even if I have spent most of my life with him in my classes,” Minseok admits, “Lu Han and I are pretty close, but I’m really friends with Kris and Chanyeol more.” He’s used to seeing people gawk at him for a very seconds, wondering how someone like him had managed to befriend some of the most unapproachable people in the school, with his chubby cheeks and his short body.
“That’s cool. Those two guys seem like pretty awesome people. So you must be awesome then, right?” Sehun asks, and Minseok is sure that his face is beaming-the way that his lips turn up when he smiles or the way that his face seems to just glow underneath the bad lighting of the party. It’s actually surprising to see someone look so desirable in such a place, so Minseok smiles back.
“You should really smile more,” Sehun suggests, reaching over and pinching one of Minseok’s cheeks, “You have an adorable dimple when you do.”
Minseok spends the rest of the night looking into the reflection of his phone and trying to find out the perfect smile to showcase his dimple. When he’s found it, he promises to himself that he’ll try to smile this way every day to make Sehun see his bright smile every day, and his dimple.
**
Minseok meets up with Sehun more often when Sehun by accident ends up being part of the dance club after school, a hobby that Minseok has picked up so that he can sweat off the fat between his legs and make firmer thighs and arms in the process. He isn’t as good as Yixing or as Jongin who are the lead of the class most of time and sticks to Lu Han because of it; but he enjoys moving his body around and working on various steps whilst covered in a sheer layer of sweat. It’s better than Kris and Chanyeol, who are loyal members to the go-home club for five years, now.
Sehun is peer-pressured into joining by Lu Han and Jongin, but it’s Minseok that forces him to stay. And stay they do, spending hours after school in one of the practice rooms, dancing off a routine that Jongin and Yixing were able to master in the first few minutes whilst Minseok takes more time to understand. Sehun is talent and Minseok enjoy his one-on-one training sessions.
“You aren’t that bad, to be honest,” Sehun pants when they are in the room, watching their reflections through the large window right in front of them. Minseok rolls his eyes.
“Thanks,” he mumbles and Sehun laughs. He grabs onto Minseok’s shoulder and throws him down onto the ground. Minseok grabs onto Sehun’s wrist and pulls him down with him, until they are a giggling mess on the floor, their hair greasy and their grins huge.
“I enjoy this a lot,” Sehun says, watching the ceiling. Minseok is forced to take it another way.
**
Minseok dreams of the doors. But this time, it’s open. He takes a step closer and looks inside. He sees a violent, turbulent ocean, one that he is sure that no one woul ever be able to cross. He’s splashed by some water, the salt water sinking into his bones.
He grabs onto the doorknob in order to close it, but the wind is too strong and he’s thrown into the waves before he has the chance. He can’t do anything to stop it.
The word is already out.
**
“You know, people have been pointing fingers,” Kris says when they[‘re walking to their next class. Minseok raises an eyebrow.
“What are you talking about?”
“Just stop hanging around Sehun so much, okay? People are starting to say bad things about you and you are being so oblivious to it!” Kris grabs Minseok’s collar and pushes him against the lockers. “I’m protecting you Minseok, but if you step out of line because of Sehun, I can’t help you as much as you may think I can.”
Kris lets go and finds Chanyeol instead of going to his next class.
**
Sehun has a girlfriend.
It stabs him right in the heart when he learns the truth, that he has been dating a girl named Choi Jinri for the past few weeks. He doesn’t know why in the world he would actually believe that something like this could actually be possible, but he knows that he is just a damn fool for actually believing that someone like Sehun could actually be there for him, and that the times that they had spent together actually meant more for him that Minseok knew they actually did.
He doesn’t tell Kris or Chanyeol, he doesn’t tell anyone. He just gets up early in the morning, locks himself in the closet, and with a rope that he had found in his garage the night before, does the same thing many kids before him had done.
Only Chanyeol and Kris really know the real reason, holding the rope that kept him locked in the closet.
Sehun is devastated, obviously he is. He doesn't know the fully story, but he knows that he has something to do with it, which makes his stomach do flip-flops. He wants to just stop time, go back to when he still knew that Minseok was alive and stop this.
How nice it would be if he had extended his hand for help.
--
end.
a/n: again, the ending was lazy.
a/n1: love for all the families affected by homophobia. a lot of the stories i've read were placed into the story to make it work so well.
a/n2: if you liked this fic, make sure to vote for it on October 14th at aideshou!
a/n3: title taken from the korean version of angel by exo.
xiumin-centric, xiumin/sehun, kris/chanyeol
angst ; r
major themes of homophobia, character death and suicides with coarse language
for the prompt i for aideshou's fifth challenge and 1/101 of the exo challenge - xiumin/sehun; closet
One night, Minseok dreams of a door.
It’s such a plain door, painted white and clean, like no one has ever grasped the doorknob and pulled it open. It has just sat in the darkness, waiting for someone to open it and it to lead the person to a whole new world.
Minseok wakes up before he can actually open that door, and realizes when he wakes up, that his closet door is the same one-rarely used, no scratches, and just waiting for someone to step through and walk into it.
**
The first time he has any boy on boy action is when he’s five and at a friend’s birthday party. Minseok is not particularly skilled in the interaction department, and finds it hard to socialize with any of the boys except for his friend, Lu Han, a boy that recently moved from China. Lu Han has a lot of friends, from many different ages, and Minseok isn’t surprised to see that there is a large flock of people behind Lu Han when Minseok arrives at his birthday party, a box in his hand and worry in his eyes.
“You should try to talk to other people,” Lu Han suggests when Minseok sits in the corner, eating some puffy and cheesy chips by himself, watching as everyone enjoys themselves. Lu Han grabs his cheesy hand and pulls him through the crowd and they stop in front of a pair of taller boys who Minseok later on learns are named Kris and Chanyeol. They both smile when Lu Han appears in front of them, but slowly their faces morph and transform when they see Minseok, standing beside him.
“This is Minseok,” Lu Han introduces, never lacking in confidence. Kris and Chanyeol nods, as if they have already had many meet-ups with Lu Han’s new friends, and this is just someone else. Lu Han pushes Minseok to the couple, and leaves him to find the celebrity of the party who has been named as ‘Kim Jongin’.
Chanyeol is a year younger, but Kris is the same age, and that makes Minseok suddenly calmer. He sits with the two cross-legged, marveled by the length of both of their legs. They stood roughly at the same height-Kris was just a little bit taller. Minseok was suddenly curious, wondering what it must have been like to be that tall, walk on such long legs. But he kept his mouth shut, because it was so much more interesting to watch Chanyeol and Kris interact.
Chanyeol whispered something into Kris’s ear when Lu Han ended up falling on Jongin, which resulted in a flurry of apologies and laughter from everyone but the two. Kris laughed at whatever Chanyeol had said; and Minseok noticed that small glimmer of happiness that seems to shine in Kris’s eyes. Minseok likes that, and finds their interactions much more interesting than Lu Han’s.
Kris soon realizes that Minseok has been watching them for the past twenty minutes, and taps Chanyeol’s arm. Their expressions quickly harden and they scoot away from each other, forcing Minseok to pout, putting his hands into his lap and biting down on his lip, hard.
“You don’t have to stop,” Minseok says, “I was just rather interested in what you were doing. I’m sorry. I’ve just never seen guys act like that around each other like that, is all.” He keeps his head down, humiliation circulating in his veins. He should have not been gawking like an idiot; he should have been a nice person and continued watching Lu Han. It was Lu Han’s party, after all.
Chanyeol giggles, “Thank you, Minseok-hyung. It’s just surprising to see people that are as accepting as you are about it.”
Minseok doesn’t understand what Chanyeol meant then, but understands much later on.
**
When Minseok dreams of the door again the next night, he sees a rope attached to the doorknob. Such a silly place to have a rope, he thinks. Unlike the pristine door, the rope looks rotten and used, like it was from an old boat or the docks, and he is sure that there is blood against the inside of the rope. Otherwise, it is fairly strong, like it could lift up a piano or something similar.
Minseok extends his hand out to touch the rope, but when his fingers brush against the harsh texture, his hands turn dull and gray, and he loses the feeling in his feet. He crumples down onto the nothingness’s floor, clutching his gray hands. The rope flies up and wraps around his neck, until he’s choking, choking-choking to death.
He wakes up panting, tears streaming down his face.
**
One of the main reasons why Minseok doesn’t make that many friends is because he’s chubby most of his life. He gets picked on by the older grades for his fact, losing his lunches “because he doesn’t need it!” and eventually starving himself. He slowly realizes how much he hates his body, and tries to get to many sports teams, like the soccer team or the football team, to try to gain some muscle and erase the fat that has stuck to his body since he was a baby.
He never loses his body fat, even with all the work he does to try to slim down. By thirteen, he’s still a little chubby, and his body just feels disproportioned. His parents tell him that he’ll grow soon, and when he’s finished growing, he’ll look fine. Minseok doesn’t want to wait until he’s eighteen, though. He wants to look good now-or there is no point to doing all that he’s been doing. His parents sigh and buy him some protein shakes, like he asked.
The protein shakes taste awful when it slides down his throat but he toughens up and drinks three a day instead of eating. The results are minimal and they don’t show when he stands in front of the mirror, even if Lu Han tells him cheerily that there are some improvements (“absolutely!”). Minseok knows that that is easy for Lu Han to say-he’s been the same weight for five years, now, and has been graced with the best metabolism in the world.
“I don’t even know why you waste your time losing weight,” Lu Han says, munching down on some French fries in front of Minseok, who begrudgingly swallows down his protein shake. “If you’re doing this to please yourself, you need to a whole bunch more, because you’re never happy.” Lu Han doesn’t let Minseok complain, though-simply raises a hand and shrugs. “So, why are you doing it?”
Minseok crumples again. “I don’t know… It’s just that Jongin is very popular, and he’s really athletic and he dances, so I thought that if I got more muscles and lost this body fat, people would stop bullying me and I would be able to get more friends in the process. That’s why people make fun of me in the first place. I want to show them.”
Lu Han rolls his eyes and places his hand on Minseok’s, “All you have to do is be you. Sure, you may be a little chubby, but that’s all natural! You just need to put yourself out there, and people will like you. I’m your only friend, that makes you a target for bullies.”
Minseok’s chin shakes. Lu Han can state his opinion quickly, he has realized, and maybe that’s why a lot of people find him so entertaining. Minseok sometimes wonders why he’s friends with him anyways; he could probably find some good people without having known Lu Han in the first place. The week that Lu Han goes to China explains to him why; he really misses Lu Han.
**
Byun Baekhyun is Minseok’s next-door-neighbour. They’re rather close in age, and so, his parents usually have pushed them together when it came to play-dates or baby-sitting. Baekhyun is younger, but he is way more outspoken than Minseok is, and he is reminded of Lu Han whenever Baekhyun says something that Minseok would never dare to say. His brown hair and eye-smile has made him very popular at his school, according to him-he doesn’t go to the same school as Minseok or Lu Han do, even if Lu Han already somehow knows who Baekhyun is.
It is one of their baby-sitting days when Minseok’s parents are away to go watch a movie and have a nice date when Minseok is six and Baekhyun is five and a half. Baekhyun has the glamorous life with a pool in his backyard and a sandbox to play in to give off a beach feeling. Because Minseok is too self-conscious to even take his shirt off and swim in the water, they settle for playing in the sandbox, which according to Baekhyun, is much better anyways.
“My father was talking about homos last night,” Baekhyun says, scooping more sand to the bucket in order to help with the walls of the sand castle they have decided to construct with the two hours they have on their hands before dinner. He says it so nonchalantly and Minseok barely catches what he says because of it.
“What are homos?” Minseok asks.
Baekhyun beckons him to come closer, looking around to make sure that no one is around them, before cupping Minseok’s ear. “It’s guys that like guys,” he whispers into his ear, before backing away, checking their surroundings again. Minseok furrows his brow.
“What’s so bad about…homos?” Minseok asks, trying to remember the word in question. “I like you, are you’re a guy, aren’t you? I like Lu Han, too, and he’s a guy-”
Baekhyun rolls his eyes and slaps the side of Minseok’s head. “Not like, like like! Of course I like you and I like Joonmyeon, too, but homos like like other guys! That’s just not natural!” Baekhyun seems flabbergasted at the simple notion of ‘homos’. Minseok, on the other hand, doesn’t understand.
“But Kris and Chanyeol…” Minseok starts.
‘It’s just surprising to see people that are as accepting as you are about it.’
He decides that it’s better to just keep his mouth shut. Baekhyun rolls his eyes, noticing that their sandcastle has now been ruined by their little storytelling.
“Why isn’t it natural, though?” Minseok asks, trying to fix the damage that has been done to the sandcastle by refilling one of the buckets. Baekhyun slaps his hand, as if to say, ‘pay attention!’
Baekhyun sighs, “It isn’t natural, is all! Guys are supposed to be with girls, that’s how it was supposed to be! My dad said that it was because of how we men are made.” Minseok’s eyes widen. How men were made? Like in the tummy made? He looked down at his lap.
If it wasn’t natural, why did it look like Kris and Chanyeol look like they were having so much fun at Lu Han’s birthday party? And at any of the other times that Minseok had run into them? It didn’t make any sense! They seemed to like each other a lot-it didn’t matter if they were both guys. He pouted. He was tempted to ask Baekhyun this, but if he didn’t know, maybe it was better if they didn’t know.
“So you shouldn’t become a homo, or you’ll be going against nature, ok?” Baekhyun forces Minseok to pinky-swear before they can go inside and have a snack, and by this time Minseok’s stomach is rumbling, desperate for food because one of the bullies had stolen his lunch.
Thankfully for Minseok, Baekhyun forgets about that pinky-swear.
**
One night, Minseok dreams of the door again. This time, there is no rope. There is nothing. Just a door and the cowardice attached to it. Again, Minseok doesn’t dare open it. He’s too afraid of what had happened the last time he had tried to open the door to ever do it again. So he backs away and starts running until he eventually wakes up.
**
By a dramatic turn of events, Minseok starts hanging around Kris and Chanyeol more often than Lu Han or Baekhyun. The two don’t mind him following them around, and almost find it adorable. Minseok finds Lu Han to be to blunt lately, and Baekhyun is snappy, whilst Kris and Chanyeol are so much nicer and calm, even with Kris’s deep, glaring eyes.
It’s when he’s thirteen years old when he finally asks the question. He now knows the difference between homosexual and heterosexual and he knows the difference between normal and different. This is why Kris and Chanyeol are so interesting, so fresh, to Minseok-they don’t fit the normal code, and in this way, it’s warming. It’s nice.
“Are you two gay?” he asks when they sit in Chanyeol’s room. Kris and Chanyeol enjoy listening to rap music, a type of music that Minseok is not one-hundred-percent fond of, but will deal with to be around the two others. Kris’s head snaps up and he stares at Chanyeol before turning to Minseok. Minseok crumples back at the force of Kris’s gaze.
Kris stands up, “Who told you?” Chanyeol grabs Kris’s arm and pulls him back down onto the carpeted floor, brushing some of his dyed blonde hair from his eyes, giving him a short smile before smiling brightly at Minseok.
“I-I… I learned it by myself. I’m sorry. You two are just so very close. I didn’t want to make you mad, Kris,” Minseok apologizes as quickly as possible, so fast that he’s sure that he forgot some words while delivering the message.
Kris sighs, “You’re pretty smart then, Minseok-hyung.” Minseok shrugs, biting his lip. “But you do realize that you cannot tell anyone, right?”
“People like us aren’t necessarily accepted. That’s why we’re just going to finish high school, and then we’re going to run away to Canada, where we can get accepted. I’m sorry, but this is just a terrible place for people like Kris and I,” Chanyeol explains.
“I wish you guys didn’t have to leave,” Minseok admits. Kris smiles and hits Minseok’s arm playfully.
“We do have so much longer, though! It’s fine!”
Minseok smiles.
“Do you really think he’ll keep it?” Chanyeol asks when Minseok leaves to go back home. Kris shrugs.
“If he knew for so long, now, and didn’t tell anyone-I doubt he’ll tell anyone now.”
**
Soon he starts realizing what Kris and Chanyeol meant about ‘being accepted.’
Minseok is researching for a project when he hears about a suicide. He’s heard about suicides before; some comes from stress, some from bullying, and some from depression. He knows that his teacher isn’t looking over his shoulder, so he clicks on the article, and starts reading.
The article talks about a boy that upon coming out as a homosexual, was beat up incessantly and called terrible things simply because of his sexual orientation. The teachers, nor the parents of the children, did anything, because they had thought that what the children were doing was right, and with just the right about of pressure, the kid would eventually return to being heterosexual. The boy threw himself off the bridge because of all of things he had been dealing with.
Minseok was flabbergasted-but then there were the comments. People agreed with the parents! His stomach suddenly felt sick.
The next period, he ran to Chanyeol’s locker and trapped him into a wide hug, grabbing onto his sides as hard as he possibly could. He didn’t realize he was crying until the fabric of Chanyeol’s shirt suddenly became wet. Chanyeol bent down a little bit more (Chanyeol had grown much faster than Minseok had) and hugged him back, ruffling the ends of Minseok’s hair. They’re missing class but such things don’t matter.
“What is it, Minseok-hyung?” Chanyeol asks with his joyful tone, handing him a tissue to wipe his face. “There must be a very good reason for you to be crying.” Minseok smiles a little at this, and Chanyeol deems that enough. “Tell me at lunch, ok? I’m sure Kris would like to know as well.”
When it’s time to tell the story, Minseok feels suddenly too sick to eat. After joining Chanyeol and Kris’s party, they refused to watch him drown in protein shakes, so much that they started dragging him out of school during lunch to buy him fast food until he got the gist of it, and started eating well again. When Kris notices that Minseok isn’t eating-he knows that something is up.
“What’s wrong?” Kris asks Chanyeol. Chanyeol sighs; flipping some of his longer, black hair out of his glasses and squishes Minseok’s cheek.
“Something bad happened in one of his classes that he actually ran over to me and started crying, poor hyung,” Chanyeol explains, “I told him to wait until lunch so that he could tell both of us.” Minseok scrunches his lips together and presses his thumbs together.
“I was researching things online for one of my classes and I found a newspaper article. It was so terrible. It was of a boy that was harassed because of, you know, and he eventually just killed himself because of it! And I don’t even know why people would do that. You should be allowed to love whoever you want to love, right? Why does it matter? You guys are cool; you shouldn’t be pushed to your deaths!”
Kris smiles, reaching over and squeezing Minseok’s shoulder. “Minseok-hyung, you are more intelligent at the age of fourteen than many people are at the age of eighty-five.” He winks, and Minseok’s heart swells. “I promise you, we won’t be stoned by our fellow classmates. But if you are ever in danger from being friends with us, please, I wouldn’t make you stay.”
Minseok nibbles on one of his pieces of carrot, “But I’d want to stand up with you guys. It isn’t fair.”
Chanyeol smiles wisely. “Yes, it isn’t fair at all.”
**
This is not the first thing that Minseok learns about real-life homophobia. Unfortunately, it spans for more than just homosexuals, and Minseok quickly realizes that soon, he’ll be standing up for more than just one type of group. He researches about suicides relating to homophobia, youth lines and organizations that are willing to help if you are in that particular position. In South Korea, there aren’t as many as there are in United States, and he wonders how many people are stuck in the closet because of this.
Minseok once asked Chanyeol, when they were lying in his backyard, if Kris and him were in the closet. Chanyeol sighed through his eyes, stretching his hand out so that the clouds served as a backdrop to his long, beautiful fingers. They sat in silence for a very long time, and Minseok was afraid that Chanyeol had fallen asleep when he finally replied.
“I don’t call it ‘in the closet’ if you have finally agreed to it yourself. It was four when I became rather quite interested in Kris, but it was only when I was twelve and I started understanding many different other things that I finally realized that I was gay. It isn’t as big as the movies make it out to be. Honestly, I was watching porn one afternoon with a girl and a guy, and I found nothing attractive about big, bouncy breasts or that little cavern where a dick’s supposed to go inside. I didn’t believe it, that that was natural. It just looked brutish to me.
“Then Kris and I started getting closer and I started noticing how closely I was…inspecting him? Ha, I guess that’s the best way I can describe it without making it sound gross for you,” he explained, “It was when he came over one time that he figured out I was gay, and then it just sort of unraveled from there. At first, I had thought that Kris wouldn’t be my friend afterwards because I had come out, and had told him there was an interest there. Kris was nonchalant, as he typically is, and told me that he would be interested in dating me too. And that’s pretty much how it happened.
“Because we both are gay and we acknowledge the fact that we are gay, there’s no reason why anyone else really needs to know. Being gay, bi, trans or two-spirited, that doesn’t matter, it just matters that you have realized that that is the truth. And sadly, there are a lot of people that just walk the world not giving in to their real feelings, and marrying some girl they don’t even love. It’s pitiful, actually. But yeah, no one but you and your lover needs to really know your feelings. You can say, but sometimes it is not the best. To be honest, Kris and I weren’t going to tell anyone. You just happened to find out.”
Minseok sighed, and they settled into a peaceful silence, watching the clouds race past them on the summery day before year nine. He finally swallowed, turned onto his side, and stared deep into Chanyeol’s dark eyes.
“I think I might be gay,” he admits. Chanyeol sits up and Minseok mimics him, placing his fidgety hands in his lap. He can feel Chanyeol’s eyes on him so he looks down in his lap, but he grabs Minseok’s face and forces him to look up so that their eyes meet.
“You don’t have to do this just because we’re gay, it’s fine, really,” Chanyeol says, “If you’re just doing this to feel normal in our group, you don’t have to. You can be straight and we’ll be perfectly fine with it.” Minseok’s heart is crushed but he understands. He would have probably reacted the same way. He nods.
“But I do think I am gay. You guys made me start thinking, too. I’ve never really found the great things about girls, they’re just annoying and I can’t find a good way to really communicate with them. I’m much more comfortable with guys-and guys topless are pretty awesome.” Chanyeol and Minseok laugh into the air, but promise to each other that their conversation never leaves this yard. Only Kris is allowed to know.
And that promise is never forgotten.
**
The beginning of high school introduces a boy named Oh Sehun. He’s as clumsy as it comes, and unfortunately, Jongin takes him under his wing.
Sehun is automatically liked by everyone because he can make people laugh and smile, and that makes everyone happy when they’re surrounded by such gloomy things like the beginning of some of the hardest years of your life (the all-cursed high school). He’s also rather cute, with his small habit of biting down on his lip when he’s scared or nervous, and with the amount of times that he runs into teachers and other people, that happens often.
Kris doesn’t like him for some strange reason, so for the first half of the year, Minseok doesn’t see that much of this Sehun character. Yes, he hears a lot about him, especially from Lu Han, who for some strange reason still keeps in touch with him on a bi-weekly basis, and his other classmates. Plus, if someone was actually able to pull off their ugly yellow uniform, he would have to see him, yes?
The first time that Minseok and Sehun are formally introduced is at a party thrown by Lu Han when Minseok is on the cusp of turning fifteen. Kris and Chanyeol have magically “disappeared”, and Lu Han hasn’t found someone to entertain Minseok for the amount of time that his friends will be “away”, so he sits on one of the chairs, drinking from a red cup something that is supposed to be pop but has the distinct taste of alcohol instead.
“Hey.”
Minseok looks up to see Sehun, smiling down at him. It’s weird, seeing him out of his school uniform. He’s seen Kris and Chanyeol, and obviously Lu Han, but because Sehun lives on the other side of their town, he doesn’t have the chance to really see him in normal clothes. He wears a pair of gray jeans with a flat red top, and he’s surprised that it actually works that well-but Minseok is sure by now that Sehun can pull off any look without trying.
“Is the seat next to you taken?” Sehun asks, and Minseok is able to pick up just the slightest hint of an accent buried underneath that lisp of his. Minseok giggles into his cup, drinking down more of the alcohol, coughing as it burns down his throat. Sehun sits down beside him on the row of chairs, watching as people mingle around them, and they sit, oblivious to the rest of the world.
“I’m Oh Sehun,” he introduces, extending his hand. Minseok shakes his hand, marveling over the fact that Sehun’s hands are so soft compared to the harsh brittle he’s used to from Lu Han and Chanyeol. Minseok smiles inwardly, wondering if he would come off as too weird if he asked Sehun what kind of hand cream he used “because your skin is just divine!”
“Kim Minseok.” Sehun seems to be happy with that name, because he repeats it and circles it around in his mouth, trying to say it a few more times. Minseok finds this completely adorable, tucking his fidgety hands between his legs as he watches Sehun bite down on his lip. He quickly realizes that that biting the lip habit will slowly get to him. “So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?”
Oh right, Jongin helped with the party, too, Minseok thinks. Out of the two options, Minseok decides that Lu Han is probably the bride, seeing as he looks like a girl sometimes and he certainly has the weight for a girl. “If Lu Han is the bride, than the bride,” Minseok replies, just because he isn’t sure. Sure, Jongin is the embodiment of manliness with pulsating biceps, strong thighs and underarm hair, Sehun might consider the fact that Jongin still watches kid’s television on a weekly basis as a rather feminine thing to do.
(Yes, Minseok had made a little portfolio for Jongin, but learned that his arrogance would eventually blow him to bits-plus he was pretty much certain he was dating Soojung, a girl from their school.)
Sehun laughs, “Yeah, that’s the bride. Jongin’s manliness would hurt if we ever called him a girl.” He looks nice laughing, Minseok deducts, with the way his lips turn up and his eyes close just slightly. Slowly, Minseok started counting all the things that he did like about Sehun. Right now, he didn’t seem to be like Kris had predicted, he seemed to be a pretty nice guy.
“But I bet he’d probably look pretty sweet as a girl, if you dressed him up,” Minseok comments, watching as Lu Han accidentally pushes into Jongin again, and half-wonders if this will be a replay of Lu Han’s five-year old party those many moons ago.
Sehun raises an eyebrow, “To be honest, I bet you’re right about that one.” Minseok holds his breath-did he go too out there? Did Sehun know? He swallowed the lump in his throat, trying his best not to make his thighs shake. “I did hear that you’ve been going to school with him for a very long time, so you probably know a lot about him-like if he is good in drag.” Minseok starts breathing again.
“I honestly don’t know that much about him, even if I have spent most of my life with him in my classes,” Minseok admits, “Lu Han and I are pretty close, but I’m really friends with Kris and Chanyeol more.” He’s used to seeing people gawk at him for a very seconds, wondering how someone like him had managed to befriend some of the most unapproachable people in the school, with his chubby cheeks and his short body.
“That’s cool. Those two guys seem like pretty awesome people. So you must be awesome then, right?” Sehun asks, and Minseok is sure that his face is beaming-the way that his lips turn up when he smiles or the way that his face seems to just glow underneath the bad lighting of the party. It’s actually surprising to see someone look so desirable in such a place, so Minseok smiles back.
“You should really smile more,” Sehun suggests, reaching over and pinching one of Minseok’s cheeks, “You have an adorable dimple when you do.”
Minseok spends the rest of the night looking into the reflection of his phone and trying to find out the perfect smile to showcase his dimple. When he’s found it, he promises to himself that he’ll try to smile this way every day to make Sehun see his bright smile every day, and his dimple.
**
Minseok meets up with Sehun more often when Sehun by accident ends up being part of the dance club after school, a hobby that Minseok has picked up so that he can sweat off the fat between his legs and make firmer thighs and arms in the process. He isn’t as good as Yixing or as Jongin who are the lead of the class most of time and sticks to Lu Han because of it; but he enjoys moving his body around and working on various steps whilst covered in a sheer layer of sweat. It’s better than Kris and Chanyeol, who are loyal members to the go-home club for five years, now.
Sehun is peer-pressured into joining by Lu Han and Jongin, but it’s Minseok that forces him to stay. And stay they do, spending hours after school in one of the practice rooms, dancing off a routine that Jongin and Yixing were able to master in the first few minutes whilst Minseok takes more time to understand. Sehun is talent and Minseok enjoy his one-on-one training sessions.
“You aren’t that bad, to be honest,” Sehun pants when they are in the room, watching their reflections through the large window right in front of them. Minseok rolls his eyes.
“Thanks,” he mumbles and Sehun laughs. He grabs onto Minseok’s shoulder and throws him down onto the ground. Minseok grabs onto Sehun’s wrist and pulls him down with him, until they are a giggling mess on the floor, their hair greasy and their grins huge.
“I enjoy this a lot,” Sehun says, watching the ceiling. Minseok is forced to take it another way.
**
Minseok dreams of the doors. But this time, it’s open. He takes a step closer and looks inside. He sees a violent, turbulent ocean, one that he is sure that no one woul ever be able to cross. He’s splashed by some water, the salt water sinking into his bones.
He grabs onto the doorknob in order to close it, but the wind is too strong and he’s thrown into the waves before he has the chance. He can’t do anything to stop it.
The word is already out.
**
“You know, people have been pointing fingers,” Kris says when they[‘re walking to their next class. Minseok raises an eyebrow.
“What are you talking about?”
“Just stop hanging around Sehun so much, okay? People are starting to say bad things about you and you are being so oblivious to it!” Kris grabs Minseok’s collar and pushes him against the lockers. “I’m protecting you Minseok, but if you step out of line because of Sehun, I can’t help you as much as you may think I can.”
Kris lets go and finds Chanyeol instead of going to his next class.
**
Sehun has a girlfriend.
It stabs him right in the heart when he learns the truth, that he has been dating a girl named Choi Jinri for the past few weeks. He doesn’t know why in the world he would actually believe that something like this could actually be possible, but he knows that he is just a damn fool for actually believing that someone like Sehun could actually be there for him, and that the times that they had spent together actually meant more for him that Minseok knew they actually did.
He doesn’t tell Kris or Chanyeol, he doesn’t tell anyone. He just gets up early in the morning, locks himself in the closet, and with a rope that he had found in his garage the night before, does the same thing many kids before him had done.
Only Chanyeol and Kris really know the real reason, holding the rope that kept him locked in the closet.
Sehun is devastated, obviously he is. He doesn't know the fully story, but he knows that he has something to do with it, which makes his stomach do flip-flops. He wants to just stop time, go back to when he still knew that Minseok was alive and stop this.
How nice it would be if he had extended his hand for help.
--
end.
a/n: again, the ending was lazy.
a/n1: love for all the families affected by homophobia. a lot of the stories i've read were placed into the story to make it work so well.
a/n2: if you liked this fic, make sure to vote for it on October 14th at aideshou!
a/n3: title taken from the korean version of angel by exo.