subtraction {onew/taemin}

[mywookness]

subtraction
onew/taemin
angst ; nc-17
mentions of sex, break ups, bad language

Onew doesn’t think much-maybe it’s a symptom of his special syndrome. He doesn’t think as the crowds burst out in their fan cheers-he can hear ‘Saranghaeyo Lee Jinki!’ but he isn’t listening anymore-nor does he listen when they applaud when the stage is done. He doesn’t think, the moves just come to him, and if he falls, he just smiles (fans like smiles) and gets back to his feet. A leader shouldn’t break.

He doesn’t think when he sees Jonghyun and Key moving closer to each other on the couch, so close that their noses are almost touching. He doesn’t think it’s odd-everyone knows of fan service and what it could actually end up becoming with the DBSK-sunbaes and Super Junior-sunbaes as good examples. They were just a new generation, so Onew didn’t think as Jonghyun grabbed Key’s hand and led them to a room. He didn’t think as he slipped in his earphones, blocking out the noise.

He doesn’t think when Minho leaves the dorm again; off to find whoever, whoever wants to take a picture with him to upload onto twitter, whoever wants to deal with him instead of the four members of his group. Onew doesn’t mind anymore-he’s used to the lead rapper and flaming charisma leaving nights upon nights. Whoever he’s out with, he isn’t sure. Sometimes it’s Eunhyuk-hyung and Donghae-hyung, others Changmin-hyung and Kyuhyun-hyung. These days, it doesn’t matter.

He doesn’t even think when Taemin wraps his arms around him, resting his head on his shoulder, so that out of his corner, Onew can see the wisps of his blonde hair on his shoulder. Taemin’s hands feel like Key’s-Key’s hands feel like Minho’s-Minho’s feel like Jonghyun’s-and Jonghyun’s feel like Changmin’s-and the cycle continues. Taemin’s face looks like Kai’s-and the cycle continues. Taemin doesn’t even feel unique anymore. Everyone feels the same.

He isn’t depressed, Onew tells himself-he just doesn’t think anymore. Key raises an eyebrow when he reasons this to him. He isn’t depressed, right? Their manager eyes him before giving him some pills, and Onew knows that their starlight pathway might be filled with beautiful landmines. He doesn’t take the pills until he’s at home, tucked underneath his sheets, watching subconsciously as everything around him spirals out of control.

“In two months, you’ll return for a Japanese tour,” their manager tells the group after they’ve sweated themselves over dancing. Taemin doesn’t even smile anymore when he dances-all too distracted by the things that are happening around him. Jonghyun and Minho don’t talk to them anymore-and Taemin and Onew feel pushed away, but Onew doesn’t think anymore. He just grabs his Japanese dictionary and starts reading.

Onew doesn’t think anymore. Because if he thinks, he’s sure that he’ll look back at the things he’s missing. The times that they were a five-member group, for one, not a ratio, not two different names. The fans don’t know yet, but they will. And when they do, it will be too late for anything but watching everything unfurl. Watching the ratio of three disappear with a chip on their shoulder, as if they can survive in this tyrant-like world.

And Onew doesn’t think as everything crumples around him, grabbing onto Taemin’s hand and forcing himself to think that it doesn’t feel like Key’s, or Jessica’s-it’s Taemin’s.

**

It all starts when Jonghyun gets a bruise on his left cheek soon after their fifth mini-album comes out. Fans get worried-why does Jjong have a bruise? SM releases a small note to the press explaining that he had fallen during a hard dance practice, but it was healing quite quickly. Some of the fans accepted this; others didn’t believe it at all. Jonghyun will tell three months later, in a wooden box, that it was his manager that slapped him, pushing him to the ground, resulting in the bruise that without makeup, covered most of his face.

The next thing that happened was with Taemin and Key. As they were about to perform live, a stylist-noona asked if they could just do a little ‘TaeKey’ fan service, just for the fans. Key protested-the dance kept them separated, and they wouldn’t be able to. The stylist became rather upset, and Taemin, unable to see a noona mad, tried his best to get close to Key during the performance, resulting in Minho and him colliding on stage. Taemin broke his ankle and Minho his collarbone. They canceled the performances and the concert tour until the two members got better. “That bitch,” Key would mumble as the three eldest waited in the waiting room, hoping for only the best. Minho would reveal his cuts and bruises-but the scar, still bright as day, would show up, and everyone would gasp. He would then explain the whole ‘TaeKey’ situation in detail.

Onew was next. He had been rather hungry (as per usual, Key would say) and had asked the manager if they could have some food because of a rather successful Music Core. The manager raised an eyebrow, but agreed that yes, he would order some. When the delivery man arrived, with a rather large bill, the manager was nowhere to be found. Because he was so damn hungry, and he was the eldest of the five, he paid for it all. He had barely any money but he would do whatever possible to keep his dongsaengs happy.

When they were practicing one day, Key refused to get up from the wooden floor, too exhausted from hours of work. The manager walked up to him and grabbed his collar, looking into his eyes, spitting in his face. “Stop, manager-sshi! Don’t hurt my hyungs!” Taemin sobbed from the corner, his eyes pricked with tears. The manager sighed and pulled Taemin up and handing him off to Onew, demanding that he did something with the moody adolescent. When they came back, Jonghyun and Minho’s faces were stone cold. Key’s shivering that night explained it all.

It kept growing. The beatings-Key got the worst of it, mainly because he talked back-became more frequent because of their tiredness. They all worked their birthdays and only got a few hours off on Christmas Day because of a SBS performance later on that day. Minho was placed in a lot of dramas-Jonghyun into SM the Ballad, and Onew’s throat was sore from the amount of OSTs and musicals. Key appeared at fashion shows that he would later admit weren’t the best, and Taemin appeared on a season of Dancing with the Stars. And while this was happening, they were doing commercials, fashion shoots, and writing new music for their third Korean album and new Japanese single.

It started rolling when Minho came home half-drunk from hanging out with Eunhyuk, Donghae, and supposedly Kim Junsu. “He’s so happy, and fit, even if Jaejoong-hyung said he needed to eat a little bit more. He’s rich, too, and making his own music, doing images he wants to do. He looks so happy, even if he isn’t performing on Inkigayo. He loves his musicals and his hairstyles. And their fans still love them.” He ranted on like this, his eyes dropping with every word, but across from him on the other sofa, Jonghyun and Key were watching him sternly.

Onew was thinking back then-but he didn’t have to think too much about what his two closest dongsaengs were thinking at that moment.

“We’re suing SM,” Jonghyun says, grabbing Onew’s wrist and pulling him into the living room. Taemin was in tears, and Minho and Key watched him. Onew ripped Jonghyun off of him to console the maknae, patting Taemin’s shoulders. He watches Minho who watches him back-it almost feels like the roles have been switched.

“Come on, Jinki-hyung,” Key says, the only one that calls him Jinki anymore, “You hate what’s happening to us, you must! Jinki-hyung, we need you, too. No one can lead a group like you can.” Onew can see how Jonghyun holds him, and the way Jonghyun kisses his temple.

He looks at sobbing Taemin, holding his shoulders and feeling the way that he leans into him, his eyes red from crying so much. He knows he hates being ripped apart-he’s been with him for five plus years, now. Onew looks up to meet Jonghyun’s eyes and they hold a secret agreement-one that lasts from being best friends for so long-and Jonghyun nods.

Jonghyun understands that the only group Onew was ever made to lead was SHINee. Not anything else.

**

Weeks pass and Onew stops thinking. He helps Taemin stay on his two feet when the news comes out-that Kim Jonghyun, Kim ‘Key’ Kibum and Choi Minho from the popular k-pop group ‘SHINee’ are suing their entertainment company, SM Entertainment. Their managers tell them to stay in hiding, and they do, surviving on Kibum’s old cooking until it’s gone, and then starting to finish eating the instant ramen packages that Jonghyun left them.

It’s these days when Taemin comes up in his sheets, cuddling into Onew’s frame. Onew thinks back to Hello Baby with young Yoogeun, and relates Taemin to the small toddler. He doesn’t know what to do with him-he just looks at the others and lets them get care of him. Onew wraps his arms around Taemin as he promises that everything will be alright-SHINee will be alright. They already know what’s going to happen-the three members already have enough information against SM that any jury would let them leave the company.

Leaving them together as a duo, Onew and Taemin. Onew tries reminding the maknae of all the great duos in k-pop history, some like TRAX, CSJH-Dana and Sunday, and even the TVXQ-hyungs that they know so well because of the SMTOWNs. “Stop it, hyung,” Taemin mumbles, “It only makes me feel even worse.” As Taemin falls asleep, Onew notices a tattoo on his shoulder-Always Keep the Faith. Onew sighs at the truth of that sentence.

The first person that calls Onew once the news is announced that isn’t his manager is Shim Changmin. The TVXQ maknae seems worried, and fills the conversation with hopeful messages. “You might feel like this is all going too fast, but you must be strong, hyung. Yunho-hyung was very anxious when JYJ-hyungs were leaving, but you shouldn’t become like that. You need to be strong. And we need to meet up when we come home from our Japanese tour, okay, Onew-ah?” He accepts because it’s his hyung we’re talking about and he could use someone else rather than Taemin for support.

“Who was that, hyung?” Taemin asks, stirring from his sleep, his beautiful, brown eyes opening groggily. Onew fakes a smile-he doesn’t even think-and tells him the truth. Because he believes that Taemin deserves the truth, especially with all the lies that have been floating around recently about them. That they’re cowards, or because they’re being blackmailed by SM to stay.

Taemin smiles, but Onew knows it’s real. “I would like to see Jongin-ah again… and Yunho-hyung…Do you think I should call them?” Onew pats his side and kisses the top of his head, smelling the strawberry shampoo in Taemin’s hair.

“Let them call you first,” is all Onew advises, hugging Taemin, doing all of this subconsciously. He doesn’t think anymore. He’s afraid to think, honestly. He’s afraid that if he thinks, he might wonder about things he shouldn’t. Like why he isn’t showing off the scars and the bruises that have turned red and purple against his paler skin, like how Minho and Jonghyun are doing. Why he isn’t doing it with them, supporting them like a leader should be doing.

He wonders why it had to turn to this, too. Why he couldn’t have gone into a company where he would have been treated properly-but he wonders if they treat artists like dirt in other companies, too. Yonghwa says he’s treated well, but Onew was never able to get the definition of ‘well’ from the leader of CNBLUE. Just a smile, a pat on the back, and an invitation to a drinking party that if Onew remembers correctly, he couldn’t go to because he had schedules in the way.

He laughs. He isn’t doing anything now. He doubts he’ll be doing anything until 2014, now. Until everything settles down and Taemin isn’t so depressed. Maybe when Onew can think again. He looks out the window of the SHINee dorm, watching the rain fall, and vaguely remembering Jonghyun and Taemin making hearts on the window pane, a smile bright on both of their faces, as Key and Minho talked about recent boy bands, and Onew acted like a parent.

But from the looks of it, Onew doubts that he’ll be thinking for a while.

**

In October, the news echoes through the streets-SHINee’s Jonghyun, Key, and Minho have finally won the case against SM Entertainment, and they have left the company completely. They don’t come back to the dorm, because by then they had already moved out and had been living in Xiah Junsu’s house, before they would find their own flat to live in for a few months as they tried to get back into the k-idol scene. Key explained this with a small e-mail that he dared to send Taemin three days after, but neither Minho nor Jonghyun seem to have anything to say, because it’s that mother-like tone throughout the whole e-mail that Onew knows by now.

“Write him back,” Onew says, kissing the top of Taemin’s head before patting it and leaving Taemin’s room. A cold draft pushes through the dorm from the open window, letting the falling rain enter into the living room. He doesn’t even move to close it, sitting on a wet sofa, allowing himself to get drenched. It feels nice, he thinks as his hands grow red and cold. He’s surprised-he was thinking. He was thinking about the feeling of the rain on his fingers, the weight of his eyelashes as they moved as he blinked, wet from the gods’ tears.

It almost felt normal.

It was said that Onew’s smile could make a man stop, turn around, and smile back, just because it was so cheeky and adorable. That his smile could make someone stop worrying, stop working, stop hating the world that he was engrossed in. His smile, sometimes covered by his hand, was the highlight of many Shawol’s lives, laughing as he laughed, smiling as he smiled. This inside brightness that hung around in his eyes for minutes after, only to swell up again when he grinned again. When Taemin appeared from his room, after writing a big thank-you e-mail to Key, he saw Onew smiling, but tears gathered at his eyelids.

He doesn’t even think of closing the window and just sits down beside him on the couch, his honey-coloured hair getting drenched by the rain, neither of them caring. Taemin’s lips open as he rests his head on his hyung’s shoulder, grabbing his wrist and letting his tears get swept away along with the droplets that descended from the heavens. In the back of his head, Taemin wondered if it was sunny where the other three were.

“We’ll be fine right, hyung?” Taemin asked, but it sounded so much more like begging than anything else. “We’ve only done one album and one mini-album in Japan, though, and are we that popular that we’ll be supported there? We’re not like TVXQ-sunbaes! Onew-hyung, we’ll fail, won’t we? SM will put us on the back-burner, won’t they? I don’t want that! I love my fans… I want to be with Jjong-hyung…” Taemin slumped, and Onew just looked outside to the gray skies and the black umbrellas.

Onew stood up and fished in his pocket for his phone. He could see some texts-one from Hyoyeon, one from Ryeowook, and one from their manager.

“What are you doing, hyung? You should close the window,” Taemin called from behind him, but Onew barely registered it. He could hear footsteps and inside, he panicked. He didn’t want to get caught. He didn’t want to be the stupid leader that couldn’t do anything, that couldn’t deal well under pressure. He could sense the eyes staring up at him, behind cameras and expensive equipment, probably out to find some new scoop on how Onew and Taemin were dealing with this.

“Hyung,” Taemin called, touching his shoulder and grabbing his elbow. Before Onew could register anything, his phone slipped out of his hand, crashing to the ground and bursting into a million pieces. Hyoyeon would never get her message back, asking if Taemin could come dance with her. Ryeowook would guess that Onew was too busy for dinner at Super Junior’s place. And the manager would find out why soon enough.

Taemin gasped and dragged at Onew’s shoulders. They closed the window, leaving the carpet cold and wet to their bare toes.

**

Onew realizes how much he hates the silence. Managers look stone-cold as they enter the meeting room to discuss the next steps they must take in order to overcome this problem. Their boss looks so tired-with circles under his eyes and paled skin, that seemed even brighter because of the all-black look he was currently pulling off. Beside him sat Taemin, who was dressed similarly, his eyes covered by a pair of sunglasses that fan girls had seen him wear before. Onew had dressed sloppily in sweat pants and whatever top that he could find.

Onew sighed. He remembered when he could just go to Jonghyun’s closet and pick something out, because they were roughly the same build, slip it on, and go out. He didn’t care if ‘Jongyu’ fan girls liked it or not-Key always made Jonghyun’s clothing extra soft, so it felt nice for him to wear.

But Jonghyun’s clothing, his valuables, and everything, had disappeared one morning after Minho announced that they ‘needed their space’. It was obvious that when Onew and Taemin had decided to stay with SM, that Minho wasn’t happy. The athlete hadn’t been close to them when they first met, and it took years for them to be natural together, but Onew kept feeling as if that day had been a step back. It was obvious by the look in Minho’s eyes that he desperately wanted Taemin to join them. Onew knew from years of being together that Minho was always the closest with the maknae.

They wanted everything to be okay. Key had said that they would stay together until the end. “When the contract ends, please tell me that you won’t sign again. Please Jinki-hyung, quit. By then we’ll be famous again, and you can just come over to our company. We need to be a SHINee family again. We’ll always be one. If this is how it’s supposed to be, it will be like this, but one day, we’ll be together again. And we’ll be okay. I promise.” Key kissed his cheeks, and he was the last person that left the door.

On that day that he never spoke of ever again-even to the managers that demanded to know exactly when the three middle children had left. Onew suffered through the slaps and the loss of pay (not like he would get it until, well, god knows when) just to keep Key’s last request still standing. He knew that if they knew exactly when they had left, that they might be able to use it in court against them. So Onew stood silent, all up until that October day when they were finally free.

“We need to discuss what is going to happen to the future of Onew and Taemin, now that the three valuable members of SHINee have left the company,” Lee Soo Man began, his eyes red and blotchy. Onew almost felt bad for him. He had lost JYJ, and then two of the TRAX members, and Han Geng, and the two girls of CSJH, added with the five members (Hyukjae, Sungmin, Shindong, Donghae and Siwon, or his ‘money makers’) of Super Junior that had gone off to war by 2013, and only Shindong and Sungmin were coming back in 2014. To say the least, SNSD and f(x) seemed to be the only ones in the building, with TVXQ-sunbaes in Japan filming a new movie, EXO doing their full-Asia tour, Kangta in China and BoA continuing her USA tour.

Lee Soo Man sighed before continuing. “We have decided that for the rest of the year, until March 2014, we’ll have you low-key. We don’t want any rumours or anything bad happening to you. So Onew-sshi, we’ll have you appear in f(x)’s new album, just to show that you are still alive.” Onew nodded-letting his thoughts take flight. He liked f(x)-dongsaengs. Victoria and Luna were very adorable, and Onew loved hanging around the five girls, their girl equivalent, and he loved singing with them, too. Taemin would enjoy hanging around Sulli, too.

It would be good for him to hang around them, too. He doesn’t remember the last time he was with his sunbaes or hoobaes. He guessed you could say that it had been that long.

“And because Jonghyun has left,” he spoke, his voice laced with acid as he mentioned the ex-lead singer’s name, “Onew-sshi, you’ll take over his spot in SM the Ballad. We’re sure that you can take over quite quickly. Just hang around Jino more often. I know he’s been busy with his solo act but you can go to some of his performances if you like. And Jonghyun’s role in his new play will be given to you. You can do it; you have the range for it. You’ll start practicing by Monday.” Lee Soo Man looked up from his papers and locked his gaze with Onew’s. He nodded, and looked back at his gloved hands. The head moved his attention to Taemin, who had been looking throughout the room, his shades covering his emotions that lie in his eyes.

“Lee Taemin,” Soo Man mumbles through his teeth, “Because both Key and Minho have disappeared, it is your responsibility in the group to rap. You have little training, though, except for what we gave you in Lucifer and in Juliette. Therefore, we’re dragging Henry Lau from Canada again to help, and Amber, too, to give you both sides of rap. I believe that you’re cute aegyo image will fade away quickly when you rap for the first time.” He shuffled through his papers, tapping his pen against the wooden table that they had all gathered around. “Secondly, you are still the lead dancer. I hope you are still keeping up your weekly dance battles with Hyoyeon-sshi, Jongin-sshi and Sehun-sshi on the side to keep your skills up.”

Taemin nodded weakly. Onew knew that he hadn’t-but when Onew had been pretending to be asleep, he could hear the faint music coming from the room that used to be shared between Minho and Taemin and the shuffle of footsteps. He knew that Taemin always danced. You couldn’t get something that had been placed in his sinews out of him. It was part of his routine, and his determination to keep his skills always shocked the leader. He would listen to the movements and imagine Taemin’s skillful arms move.

“You were supposed to be in a new drama, but it started a few weeks ago,” he admitted woefully, his eyes dropping to the papers. Onew hadn’t realized it but-this had been some sort of holiday. He hadn’t remembered the last time they hadn’t had to go somewhere, done something, helped someone, etc. How many things had Lee Soo Man had to give someone else the job of doing instead of them? SHINee was very popular for advertisements and appearances on variety shows. How much money had the company lost with the disappearance of Jonghyun, Key and Minho? Suddenly, Onew felt really sick.

“But that’s okay. We found a variety show that will help you get back to your feet. It’s just a new one starting out but I believe you’ll fit in quite well. Sulli-sshi and Sooyoung-sshi will be there, too, so you should be fine,” he finished. “I’m trying my best not to make you do so much in such a fragile time. If we tread too quickly, the glass floor holding us up may shatter and we may fall. But have faith, we can do this, SHINee will continue to be the leader in dance and hip, up-beat music. Now go eat and sleep. We mustn’t have you out for too long.”

Onew and Taemin hold hands as they exit the SM Entertainment building. Taemin is way closer to him than before. Onew turns and smiles at the maknae, letting their cheeks turn red from the cold of November. There are rumors that it’s going to snow a lot this winter and Onew hopes so. Taemin, to him, looks so much better in the winter, with his cheeks brighter, his eyes vivid with colour, and his hair, never mind the shade, beautifully gleaming.

“Take-out then, hyung?” Onew wants to follow what Lee Soo Man suggested, but instead, he shakes his head, letting his now over-grown, brown bangs into his eyes. He grips Taemin’s gloved hand even tighter, their coat’s shoulders brushing against each other.

“I want to have a good meal. Let’s go eat a restaurant. I’ll pay for whatever you eat,” Onew says gleefully, trying his best to make the other smile. Taemin eventually smiles back and they walk, hand in hand, in almost-dead silence. Netizens can see them and they point fingers, and Onew can hear the whispering. He knows Taemin can too, so he turns and pulls them down a different street to their favourite place to eat. “It felt crowded over there,” is Onew’s excuse when Taemin looks at him.

Taemin chuckles and looks at the ground. “They won’t hate us, right? They’ll still love us…” Onew squeezes his hand and that’s all they say, but the maknae smiles inside. The tears don’t fall for the first time in a very long time. It’s only been dancing and crying lately and it feels odd to smile, but Onew’s smile has always had that impression on him. He holds Onew’s hand tighter and walks closer to him, allowing the leader to take him whenever he wants, because out of anyone Taemin knows, he trusts Onew the most.

Taemin is skinny, much skinnier than he was during their fifth Korean mini-album promotions. Onew doesn’t think and orders what they usually order, and it’s only when it arrives that he realizes that this is food for five, not two. Onew’s cheeks turn hot and red and he starts taking some rice from his bowl, wondering if he should call Sooyoung or Kyuhyun to help them eat the food. He changes his mind half-way thinking about the positives. He didn’t want to ruin what was happening between him and Taemin right now.

Thankfully, the maknae was still a teenager in terms of his stomach-and with the help of many chicken-oriented dishes, they’re able to eat most of each dish but still have enough for left-overs (or lunch) for when neither of them wanted to cook. The plastic, white bag swings between them as they walk to one of the vans that Onew called to pick them up, mainly because the walk to the dorm would be too long, and they were both very tired. They weren’t used to actually moving, having lounged around the dorm for about two weeks now.

“Hyung,” Taemin calls when they split ways, about to go to bed, because by now, the sun has set and Seoul is buzzing with its night life. Onew turns his head and smiles, even if his eyelids feel heavy and he desperately wants to sleep. He has to be a good, supportive leader, even if he really only has one person to get care of, one that isn’t so mischievous without the influence of the other members. Taemin smiles sweetly and leans in, pecking him softly on the cheek. “Thank you. I know you’ll do well.”

Like you always do, rests unsaid on Taemin’s tongue.

Onew smiles politely and nods, raising his fist. “Hwaiting!” he cheers, and Taemin laughs, copying the motion. They stand there, just watching each other, before Onew bows and retreats to his room, his movements sluggish and slow. Taemin watches him from his doorframe, the wood underneath his nails as he digs them into the door. When he doesn’t hear any more movements coming from the leader’s room, he pops a CD in (he barely registers it as Note) and turns it as low as possible.

He dances until he can’t-crumpling to the wooden floor, clutching his face and tasting the salty tears that run down his face and into his lips. Jonghyun’s voice echoes throughout his room and he grabs a shoe, the closest thing to him, and throws it at the wall, sitting back against his heels and wishing that for once, he could just simply disappear and not have to face all the pressure that is waiting right outside his door. He turns around, his calves aching in pain, and watches the closed door. He lets out a sigh and gets up, his knees roughened up and hurting.

Onew rolls over onto his side and clutches his pillow tenderly. The music has stopped by now, but he’s already heard enough. He can hear something that sounds like crying from Taemin’s room but he isn’t thinking anymore. If he was, he’d go in there and console him. Rather than thinking, Onew slips himself further into his solitude. Life has always been prettier over there than the coldness that is now the SHINee dorm.

He rolls onto his back and pretends it never happened.

**

Dear Onew-hyung,

Kibum’s busy so he asked me to write this up for you guys. Cool, eh? It’s amazing that I can still remember your e-mail address after so long. It’s been what, three months, now? I heard that SM the Ballad’s coming back soon with you in it. I’m happy for you, hyung. Really happy. I hope that you two will be able to get back onto your feet and continue to be one of the biggest k-idols in history!

Speaking of getting back onto your feet, we’re soon going to get our stage, too. JongKeyHo (JKH for short) are about to debut! It’s mainly rap and I miss my singing buddy, but it still sounds really good and I’m sure that when you’ll see us preform it you’ll love it. Our title track is called ‘Listening’ and it sounds really good! It’s a great doorway to the rest of the album. I’ll try to send you the album (with a Jonghyun photo card, of course) when the album is fully released.

It’s been work and more work since we left SM and I don’t remember the last time since I had actually slept properly, but now that we’re dwindling down to the last few seconds, it seems more relaxed. Key’s jittery but he’s always jittery around this time, you know? And Minho’s just as quiet as can be. It’s obvious he misses his hyungs, but they can never really meet-Changmin’s off to military service, right? And Yunho’s already left too… Aish… Soon, it’ll be our turn, too. The way Minho looks; it seems as if he wants to go to military, too.

I hope that we might get to meet each other soon. If you’re ever busy, come over to the dorms. And get a new phone, okay hyung? I miss your sweet voice.

Key and Minho say hi,

Jonghyun

Onew isn’t sure what to think when he sees the e-mail in his inbox, but instead of closing it, like he had done for the other messages Key had sent him, doing it very subconsciously in most cases, he opened it up and read it. Maybe because it was from Jonghyun, someone that he couldn’t talk to as often as Key. Maybe it was because he missed his closest buddy, the one that he would run off with and do mischievous things, while giving Minho or Key the responsibility of being the good k-idols. Jonghyun was the guy that you could always make fun of and he wouldn’t care that much.

He was like the best friend that you tried to peel off your shoulder but never could because you were too afraid that if you did, he’d disappear. He was the cute puppy that if you kicked hard enough wouldn’t come back, which wasn’t what you wanted.

Onew saved the e-mail and made sure that when he had the time, he would write a thank you to the ex-lead singer, promising him good luck on their new single. He was happy for them. They were able to get back onto their feet and find a good company that would hopefully get them the right amount of screen time that they deserved, not like the JYJ-sunbaes that rarely performed live. He knew that they had a small company, but they had gotten a lot of money from the drama Minho had just finished that supposedly got great reviews.

He had to disappear for an hour to go finish work on SM the Ballad’s last song (featuring some guitar skills from Jungmo and Henry Lau’s rapping) but when he returned, he made sure to type up his reply. He hoped that it wouldn’t be Key that read it and replied. He half-hoped that Jonghyun would write him back. That they could call each other like how Key did whenever the ex-main rapper felt lonely. He didn’t want to get completely ignored.

So when he knew that Taemin was fully asleep, he started typing.

Dear Jonghyun,

I am coming back with SM the Ballad. Jino is a very sweet guy, compared to the super-hot music that he sings in his solo albums, and Kyuhyun has slowly gotten closer to him. Jungmo and Henry are on the new album, too, and the songs are great. I bet that you’ll like them. Start imitating them on shows! I bet the fans would love that the tables have finally been turned.

I’m really excited that you guys are finally coming back. I miss your voices. And I love it whenever Key or Minho raps, so I’m sure that I’ll like the album. Keke, sure, give me the Jonghyun photo card. Just send it autographed and get one for Taemin-ah, too! Make it a Minho photo card or something. And then just send it with lots of love from Key-umma.

I know it’s hard work but I know that it’ll work out in the end. I know that you guys, with a bit of pushing, can get anywhere! I know it might seem hard now but it will be all worth it when you finally step out as your comeback stage and your fans are calling out your name. I heard you have your own fan club name now-it’s Shaplans, right? SHINee Planet? Taemin and I agree, we really like the name! And don’t let Minho go just yet. You guys need to become more popular before you guys are even allowed to go out to military service.

I guess I’l have to find out where you dorm is. And keep Key happy. I know that he gets sick and frustrated around this time but you need to be there to keep him safe and working. I know you have that type of effect on him. I’ll tell Taemin to send you my new number when I get a new phone. I love you guys. You deserve it and I hope that Shawols will still adore your music.

I’ll call you as soon as possible.

Love from Taemin,

Onew

Taemin asks if he got any e-mails from Key that week, but Onew lies, because Jonghyun has always only had an ‘appa’ status for the maknae, and Onew doesn’t believe that it will work right now. Taemin sighs and nods, waving goodnight to his hyung, hobbling because of the tough dance practices he’s been doing lately.

**

SM the Ballad’s new song is a hit. Jay and Kyuhyun sing most of it, and Onew just howls in the background as Jino raps, a hidden talent that no one believed he had until he came out with his first mini-album back in 2012. But all the songs are scripted well and Onew even gets his own little solo in the album, which none of the other members get, called ‘Constellation’ that he later preforms live on Inkigayo when they have a big stage. Shawols scream and they cry ‘Saranghaeyo Lee Jinki!’ and they wave their signs.

Onew smiles at the end as he slinks off to the side of the stage for an interview by the hosts of the show.

“I heard that you wrote that song for a specific person,” the girl says, her cheeks pink because she’s a rookie and hasn’t stood that close to many idols before. It’s a handful of questions that she’s been forced to ask but she’s bold and Onew smiles because he likes that. He shoots her one of his killer smiles before thinking it over. Shawols would love it if he said that it was for JKH. SM would hate if he said that it was, though.

He coughed, “It’s for the people that I miss the most. My friends, my family, people that I’m sure I won’t be able to see for a long time because of schedules and concerts. But, the song says that if you look up at the sky and find your star and turn your head a little to the right, you’ll see my star, and our stars are connected, much like a constellation.”

The female host nods, like they all do. Her pretty lips purse into a pout. “You pour so much emotion into this song, as if you’re trying to show something that we all know you have. Are you trying to tell all the fans that you belong in SM the Ballad? That you are a sufficient replacement for Jonghyun.” The question hit hard and he could hear the gasps from the crowd. He was sure the director behind the camera was fuming.

Onew smiled as politely as he possibly could in that situation and rolled his head, his neck cracking. “Um,” he began, a cheeky smile pecking at the corners of his lips, making the crowd laugh, “I guess that I don’t have to prove anything. Jjongie is a great singer and I still believe that he should be here, on the stage, singing for SM the Ballad instead of me. But I think that if he would want anyone taking his place, it would be me. I sing my heart out not because I want to prove something, but because I need to sing my heart out to get my feelings out.”

The hostess nods and bows, because she knows that she’s gone too far with her manager silently screaming at her. “Well Onew-sshi, you should get ready for the big stage. Good luck!” Onew bows in return and smiles smugly, walking down the corridors back to the room designated to belong to SM the Ballad’s.

Kyuhyun springs from his seat and wraps him in a tight hug, and he doesn’t realize that his hyung’s crying until his hot tears hit his neck. The maknae’s fingers grab more of Onew’s clothes and he knows that he’s biting down on his lip to keep himself from full-out sobbing. Jay tries to pull him off of the leader, but Kyuhyun stays there. “A girl like her said the same thing when SJM went back to China after Sungmin and Eunhyuk joined. Eunhyuk couldn’t stop crying. Please, don’t break my heart by crying, too.”

Onew rubs his back and he vaguely remembers the ill-mood that followed the leaving of Hankyung-hyung after his lawsuit. No one wanted to talk about it, but they had to, because Super Junior had to go somewhere, and if they didn’t, Hankyung’s last wish before leaving South Korea would be forgotten. Onew squeezes his hyung’s shoulders and whispers, “I won’t.” That seems to work because Kyuhyun pulls away and nods weakly, going off to go change into the familiar suit-and-tie ensemble that they’ll be preforming in.

Jino pats his back and give him a soothing smile. “You did well, hyung.” Onew has to smile because he loves the way Jino smiles behind those thick frames that everyone knows by now as his trademark. From the corner, sitting beside Jungmo who is tuning his guitar, Jay nods in approval, before he stands up and goes off to make sure that the maknae of Super Junior is okay. A few more people come into the room and pat him on the back, congratulating him on not killing the rookie girl because they were sure that she was getting killed now.

Kyuhyun seems fine when they’re backstage, about to preform, and Onew makes sure that whenever they look at each other that Kyuhyun gets the best smile he can possibly give him. Not everyone would know that they sung their hearts out more than they usually did, the lyrics of their hit single touching tenfold as Jungmo’s notes reach the crowd watching. Kyuhyun holds Onew’s hand as they exit the stage.

They all know they deserve the prize when they win Inkigayo that week. The fans are screaming and the four are congratulated by everyone they know. It feels nice. It feels exhilarating, actually. And for the first time in a very long time, Onew allows himself to think. And as they wave of joy rushes over him, he smiles.

It feels nice to think again.

**

JongKeyHo releases their first mini-album on January 22nd, 2014. ‘Listening’, as Jonghyun had predicted, won many prizes and was successful in its album sales. Shaplans, a new breed of Shawols, jumped up and down in excitement and the song became very high in the charts. Everyone believed that JKH’s first mini-album would win Music Bank an Inkigayo, making any Shawols that still speculated new fans. Unfortunately, a week passed, and JKH’s performance never came up. It was never played on radio stations or on TV shows. Even the three didn’t go on TV at all.

Onew knew the reason for this. It was a replay of what had happened to the JYJ-sunbaes and he could just see the disappointment on their faces. The company was too small to fight back, and SM was too big of a company to fight against. If MBC or SBS allowed them on the show, SHINee or Super Junior or f(x) or Girls’ Generation would not be present on any more of their shows, including the talk shows and variety shows. So JKH just stayed without any help. JYJ suffered this, and Hankyung-sunbae was in China, where SM couldn’t touch them.

With the help of Jongin’s girlfriend, Taemin was able to buy ‘JongKeyHo - The First Mini-Album’, even with the poster. The two SHINee members placed it on their wall of posters, where Jonghyun and Key used to sleep, the three daring eyes digging holes into their souls, poking holes in their existence, mocking them. The music player had the album on repeat-Jonghyun’s soulful voice, Minho’s charismatic rapping, and Key’s skillful mix of both. Every song was their favourite song. Every lyric meant something.

Onew only grew to hate one song-the only ballad on the album. Though it was about autumn turning into winter, it was obvious that it was about them. Discarded, left behind, we’ll wait for you. Any Shawol that read the lyrics would know. And he knew who had written it-Jonghyun. He always knew that the main vocalist had inner meanings to every song. Obsession was exactly what it said in the song-he wanted to stop loving her, because the fans hated her, but he was never able to, and therefore kept messing up.

Taemin doesn’t stop him when he changes the song. The maknae knows by now what an impact a few lyrics can leave on a person. He downloads the songs onto his iPod and it’s there that he listens to the song on repeat, tapping his socked foot to the mattress of his bed, closing his eyes and imagining Minho’s lips moving and his concentration on his face. He admits to himself that he likes the song, a lot, as he listens to song yet another time, whispering the words.

JongKeyHo’s ‘Listening’ music video is anything but spectacular. Their company has little-to-no money, so they have an extremely low budget for this song. It looks like it was mainly done on a computer program and a green screen. The video just has them dancing, which isn’t new, and Key is always at the front it seems, having taken over the role as main dancer in the group. He dances well, and Onew makes a side note that the main dance in the song has many girl-group attributes, like a lot of kicking and swaying movements.

But they still look manly. Minho still raps expertly. Jonghyun’s voice still grabs you in at the first second. And Key is still a diva, a master of everything, and Onew knows why they chose him to be the leader of the trio.

They already know that even without any prizes and any talk shows that they’re going to be big. SHINee Planets will continue to love them as much as they did when they were with SHINee. They aren’t the problem. They’ll have fans and balloons and even if they can’t get a concert as easily as SHINee could, they could still try, they could still get fan signings and they would still hit the charts with a big slap to the face. They would be popular-this JongKeyHo.

Onew makes a mental note that he never got any album from Jonghyun signed by the other members. Onew soon gives up any hope that they’ll ever be able to freely communicate with them, and doesn’t care that much when Key sends them an e-mail, discussing mailing problems and that “we’ll try to get it there as soon as possible!” Taemin smiles but Onew just closes the e-mail without even replying. He’s tired and he’s sure he’s about to fall sick too, because January has been a cold, frail month.

“I like the song,” Taemin mumble, watching the lights dance across their window on a cold night when they don’t have any promotions. “I like them, too. I hope they haven’t changed.” Onew sighs and threads his hands through Taemin’s mid-length brown hair that no one has really stepped in to cut yet, humming in response. The maknae wishes for more, but instead just lets himself fall asleep to Onew’s touches, wishing that when he woke up, everything would be fine.

**

“Onew-hyung,” Taemin says sheepishly, opening the door to his hyung’s room. Onew looks up from his magazines, his eyes diluting slightly. “Can I come in?” Onew nods, closing his magazine and moving his legs so that Taemin can sit down on the bed. Onew tilts his head when Taemin rests between his legs, looking up at the ceiling, and his hands together against his chest. He turns his head to look at the skinny jeans that Onew’s wearing, just because Onew finds them comfortable, and reaches up to stroke the jean, pulling at it so that it snaps back, hitting the skin.

Onew bites down on his lip as Taemin’s skilled hands reach up underneath the jean and pull at Onew’s socks, slowly but surely, taking them off and leaving them to fall to the ground. He plays with each toe, running his thumb over each nail, his eyes looking at each enviously. The maknae moves his hands down and pulls at the skin covering the ankle, before slipping under and brushing the sole of the leader’s foot, massaging the skin there until he moves up again. He rubs at the skin that connects the shin to the foot, pulling the skin between his fingers and smiling when Onew tries to pull away. Taemin’s grip is too strong for that, though.

Taemin throws his head back and smiles at Onew. “Does it hurt hyung?” he asks as cutely as possible, rubbing his fingers against the sensitive skin. It’s then that Onew realizes that he isn’t here just to be here-there is some inner motive to Taemin’s actions. Onew reaches down and grabs at Taemin’s hair, yanking hard as he kicks the other sock off his foot. Taemin follows Onew’s actions and turns over onto his stomach, letting Onew pinch and pull at more skin, until that skin is between his lips.

**

“You’re moving your feet wrong,” Taemin says teasingly and Onew tries his best not to laugh at him. It’s been hard. Three new trainees later, they’ve had to switch up the lyrics to Juliette, Replay, Sherlock, Love like Oxygen, Ring Ding Dong and Lucifer, which meant they also had to change the choreography. It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks-especially a trick that goes against all that it has learned since the beginning. He’s not supposed to be in front-it’s Minho. Or it’s Key. Or it’s Jonghyun. He can’t reach the high level that Jonghyun can, or the deepness that Minho can. Taemin takes Key’s parts and Minho’s raps only and Onew considers him to be so lucky.

SMTOWN L.A is up first, and it’s like them getting back into the spotlight after SM the Ballad finished its promotions, which was November, and it’s now February. They’re tired with making their new album, and after SMTOWN L.A they have to take the album pictures, finish touching up the choreography, and get ready for live performances at Inkigayo and Music Bank. And the competition for March is fierce-Boyfriend, Block B, Girl’s Day, Wonder Girls and Infinite happen to be coming back around the same time this year.

And them, Onew tells himself.

Taemin works as hard as he always work. He doesn’t smile that much, but he’s really close to the trainees (he was hoping that Jongin or Yixing would step in, but that didn’t seem to happen after their second album came out just a month ago), and they work well. Onew is awkward on his feet, his condition always making the dancing really hard for him, especially when he’s forced to learn new moves. He knows that fans will be cheering for them at SMTOWN L.A, and because their last album was nothing but remakes of Japanese songs, they have to change up everything.

They’ll be ready for their comeback, of that they’re sure. They both like the songs and Taemin’s learned how to rap very well with the help of Amber and Henry, who have started working with him almost daily. The song is all about rising from the dust, and Onew believes that this represents them as well as any lyrics possibly could while still being a dance song. And a dance song it is. So many new moves they have learned, and Onew knows that the back-up dancers feel pressured, too, because none of the choreography they have every danced to is this tough.

Onew doesn’t tell him off-he’s a good hyung, he tells himself-and tries his best to master the dance moves. He was usually in the back; he never had to do tough stuff like this. He bites down, hard, on his lip and pulls himself from the floor so that he can try again. He works hard and hard until he feels like he’s going to explode and his feet are bleeding at the ankles. Taemin’s gone, the back-up dancers are gone, everyone is gone except a woman in the corner.

Onew recognizes her as Sunday from CSJH. She has a cute smile on her face, one that Onew can imagine on his mother. “Sit down, Jinki-ah,” she says, and Onew knows she’s sincere. He sits down and out of nowhere she pulls out a first-aid kit. It hurts when she slips off his shoes but she does it softly, her nails almost scraping the surface of the skin, so it almost doesn’t hurt as much. She tends to his bleeding ankles, taking the bloodied socks and folding them into a neat pile that she promises she’ll wash for him and return. She sighs as she dips the bottle against a cloth, dousing it with chemicals that she puts onto the gash to clean it.

“I was like you,” she admits, “Back when Stephanie left for the United States to do her ballerina work. We were so afraid; we weren’t as popular in Japan or China that we thought that we would be. And when Stephanie left, we grew scared, because we didn’t know if we would be coming back. And then Jiyeon left for acting. It was just Dana and I. And I have never seen a more hard-working woman than Dana, and I doubt her when she says that she isn’t the leader. She’s an amazing person. And when we heard that us two, Dana and I, were going to come back, I kept working hard as hell, until my ankles bled.” She touches the wound softly and Onew winces.

“Yunho-oppa came up to me and told me to take care of myself, because this was my last chance. If I didn’t do well, if I blew it, there was a chance that I would even go back again. I knew that I loved performing too much for this to go wrong. Please Jinki-ah, don’t stress yourself too much. Dana did-she’s been like that ever since she didn’t become the new BoA,” Sunday sighs and puts bandages to Onew’s ankles and kisses Onew’s forehead, giving him a sweet smile before bowing, nodding her head, and leaving Onew to watch her back walk away slowly.

**

Onew opens the door and sees Minho watching him with wide, naïve eyes, the eyes that Onew remembers seeing when they were first introduced. Out of all the other three, Onew doubted that it would be the rapper that would come over-it had seemed that he hadn’t wanted anything to do with them after they had won the lawsuit. Onew opens the door and Minho flings his arms around him, smashing his face into Onew’s hair, using it as a way to keep himself from crying. It crushes Onew’s shoulders but he’s too kind to say anything, rubbing his back instead.

“I don’t even know how I got here,” Minho admits, his hands gripping Onew’s soft blue shirt. Onew can hear footsteps and he knows that it’s done-if Taemin sees Minho, everything will fall apart. Even Onew can’t explain the deep relationship that these two have, even now, and Onew knows that Minho sends him e-mails because Onew does whatever a good leader should-snoop. Minho looks up and Onew sees that his eyes are red, and he wants to do is brush them away, even if he has to do it on his tippy-toes.

“I know what’s been going between Taemin and you, and I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay, hyung. I hated giving you the cold shoulder but I kept on thinking that it was you that was to blame. I kept on thinking that if you had joined us, that Taemin would have come, too. I understand why you had to stay, though.” Minho smiles and everything collapses.

“Hyung!” Taemin’s looking at him with deep, worried eyes. “You looked like you were having a bad dream.” Onew breathes and flops back down onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. He had known that it was too good to be true. Minho hadn’t even e-mailed him once, compared to the thousands that he seemed to send Taemin. Onew rolled over to his side and Taemin sat down on the floor so that they could watch each other.

“What were you dreaming about?” Taemin interrogates, and Onew thinks back to their Sherlock days, when Taemin really believed that he was a detective trying to finds some jewels. His hair has finally been cut-they’ve already released the first teaser and the music video has been shot. They are soon going to release the music video, and then start performing. Taemin is back to black-but his hair is cut wispy and Onew thinks of Xiah Junsu back in the Mirotic days-that’s what Taemin reminds him of.

Onew pushes himself further into his pillows and pulls his covers up to his chin. “Minho.” It’s a single word that means a million different things. The maknae bites on his fingers and he looks down at his crossed legs, figuring things with his mind. Onew beats him to it. “I dreamed that he came back to the dorm and apologized for everything. Everything. ” Taemin’s eyes seem to widen at that.

Taemin sighs and kneels, brushing some of the discarded hair from Onew’s face and kissing him on the lips, moaning when their tongues mesh. Onew grabs onto Taemin’s shirt and pulls him up onto the bed.

**

The song isn’t a hit.

No one really likes it. The fans say it’s a great dance and they’re happy to see their oppas, but they aren’t too fond on the actual song. It misses too much. It’s lacking something-something on the tip of their tongues. Shaplans bash Shawols and Shawols bash Shaplans. Everything in the SHINee world breaks apart as JongKeyHo fans wage war against the OnTae fans as they’ve grown to be called. People hate each other and most importantly-they hate the song.

If they had done a different song, that’s what everyone has been telling them. Maybe another song on the album would have been better. They might have gotten more album sales. The title song is catchy, but fans believe it jumps around too much, which makes a lot of them lose focus on the lyrics as they try to figure out if that was a verse or a bridge. Onew hates his company and he feels like punching one of them when Taemin grabs his arm.

“We’ll prove them wrong tomorrow.” Onew nods, and trains even harder before they’re supposed to go on Music Bank. Boyfriend and Girl’s Day smile and wish them luck, and Onew smiles-because they’re sunbaes. Sunbaes that have gone through shit, and still somehow, have ended up persevering and fighting through the storm. Taemin’s shy-what’s new?-and waves politely even to the hoobaes, half-wishing that their politeness could hide.

The outfits are tight. Painfully tight. But it’s nothing to keep them from doing what they came here for-to dance. And when the cameras are on them and the lights are at the perfect setting, that’s exactly what Onew plans to do. The words roll off his tongue like the heads that roll when they see the performance. He smirks and laughs and winks at the camera and he knows by the amount of screaming that Taemin is doing the same. They’ll laugh at their performances and their over-exaggeration, but in the end, isn’t that what counts?

Luna and Amber (the current MCs) run up and hug them when the performance is over. “You did great! I can’t wait for your next performance on Tuesday! You guys are so good-I thought that since Listening was so popular, that you wouldn’t do so well-but I take that back! You guys are such idols that I’m jealous!” Luna finally stops to breathe and Onew smiles, grabbing her into a hug and taking a picture for SMTOWN’s facebook.

Onew tells himself he needs a twitter-so he makes one when they get home, and he uploads as many pictures from his phone that he can find. He finds it uplifting so he takes more pictures.

It isn’t so bad when the album sales go up by thirty-seven percent the next day.

**

Onew listens to the radio sometimes when he’s bored and he doesn’t feel like thinking. Kiss the Radio is too … talkative, so he chooses the first one that comes up in the roster. He smiles, closes his eyes, and lies back, his pillows like walls, keeping him locked away from the rest of the world as he hums, his lips squished together, admiring song after song. He finds himself dancing the new IU song and he laughs at the small joke in 2NE1’s new song-the one that had blown up on the internet.

There’s a difference between these groups and his own, Onew thinks-they’re still together, and they have years to go before the small idea of splitting up comes into view. He slips out his earphones and turns off the radio, looking up to see Taemin sitting in the corner, his head tilted to the side, as if he’s curious. Taemin leaves his perch and walks over to settle in Onew’s arms, seeking warmth.

“I want to work harder,” he admits when the lights are off and they lie in the darkness, wishing that they could count the stars from Onew’s window.

“You can’t,” Onew says, “No one ever works harder than you, Taemin-ah.”

“If I worked harder, fans wouldn’t hate me.”

“Fans don’t hate you, though. They can’t.”

Taemin sighs and rests his head on Onew’s collarbone. “But I’m sure that they do-I have so many flaws, and they can surely poke holes into anything I do. I miss Jonghyun-hyung and his puppy-like behaviour, I miss Key-hyung’s cooking and passionate personality, and I miss Minho-hyung’s brother-like compassion. And I miss our fans, too. They don’t cheer as loud as they did before.”

Onew opens his eyes so that he can admire the hardened-baby face. “You’re perfect-stop thinking such pessimistic thoughts.”

He grabs Taemin’s chin and kisses him strong and passionately, before bring him in for another hug, his way to tell him to shut up and go to sleep.

**

“I heard you’re getting a new SHINee world tour,” Changmin says during lunch at the hotel in L.A after a successful SMTOWN. Onew shrugs, brushing his brown locks from his eyes. Changmin raises an eyebrow. “You should be happy, Jinki-ah, you guys are doing way better than a lot of us suspected. You’re digging your way out-and this is your prize for doing so. Your fans are still there-even if you don’t think it is. Just wait, you’ll see a white ocean on the first day.”

Changmin leans over and steals some of Onew’s toast, smiling as he bites down.

**

“Hyung~” Suho chirps as he wraps his arm around Onew’s shoulders, “To give you guys a great kick-start to your Asia Tour, I decided to come and watch! Hope you don’t mind the rest of the EXO-K crowd, though.” Suho gives Onew the sweetest eye smile that Onew can’t say no. He nods and blushes slightly, haven slowly given in to Suho’s touches and skin-ship as the years passed.

“Thanks, just keep Jongin-ah from stealing Taemin-we’ll need to practice before the performance.”

Suho smiles. “Of course! Thanks, hyungnim! I’ll see you then, ya? Sorry, I have to pick up Baekhyun from the airport… Silly EXO-BD subgroup! Anyways, love you!” Suho runs off to an awaiting van by the front doors of the SM building, and Onew just holds onto his bag, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

“What are you smiling about?” Yesung asks, resting his arm on Onew’s shoulder.

“I think that this’ll be fine, that we’re doing fine,” Onew answers, and Yesung squeezes his shoulder, howling.

“Of course, Jinki-ah. You’re doing just fine.” Yesung looks up at the clear sky and hums. “Want to get something to eat? Eeteuk and Eunhyuk bought food right at the time that I had to go to vocal practice.”

Onew turns and smiles. “Sure hyung.”

**

Suho and the rest of the EXO-K subgroup haven’t arrived yet, so the practice is much simpler. Taemin and the back-up dancers talk idly during their break as Onew walks through the aisles, wondering what it would be like to be a fan for once. He finds a chair right in the center and sits down, crossing his left leg over his right and resting his hand on his palm. He cocks his head to the right, wondering what it would be like to carry glow sticks and scream “Lee Taemin! Lee Jinki!” at the top of his lungs.

“Onew-hyung!” Taemin shouts, waving and smiling. Onew cracks a smile and walks back, pecking him on the lips before getting their costumes ready.

**

“It’s a full crowd,” their manager tells him, looking out of the curtain. He moves so that Onew can see-and he’s shocked-the whole crowd is filled with white glow sticks-just like how Changmin predicted. Before he can stop himself, he walks out onto the stage, wearing nothing but his practice clothes, as he scans the crowd from top to bottom, from left to right.

Onew can’t help it-he’s crying.

“Hyung,” Taemin mumbles, and Onew realizes that he’s standing beside him, tears in his eyes. Onew takes his outstretched hand and bows with him.

“Can you feel them?”

“Of course.”

--
end.
a/n: another big thanks to everyone that suffered through the complaining of writing this fic! and to everyone that voted for mine ( i love you, three people! ) and the people that commented. i've had this idea for awhile, and it was great to have it finally finished and out to the public.
a/n1: and in NO WAY do I want SHINee to break up! i based this on dbsk's break up, and what it would be like for the group if three left. i usually don't write ontae, so it created a bigger challenge!