Caution: blood and guts
Holy crap I don't think I've ever been this close to flipping out over this.
I went off birth control toward the end of February due to my financial situation and lack of health insurance, but we've still been practicing safe sex. Dan brought up last Saturday night as we were cuddling in bed that it had been quite awhile since I'd had it, but I don't clearly remember the last time I had my period. I know it was just ending on a Friday/Saturday that we went to Dan's parents' house. That would be either Easter weekend or two weekends before that for Tatiana's birthday. We couldn't pinpoint it better than either of the two weekends. So, four to six weeks ago. I'm used to it coming every four weeks like clockwork, either Sunday night or Monday morning, for the last five years. It was either coming up right on time, or it was two weeks late. It was that "two weeks late" part that we were concerned about. I'd meant to keep track of my periods after coming off birth control, but it kept slipping my mind, so now we have this great big question mark hanging over our heads to deal with.
Sunday came and went with no sign of it. Monday too. Days passed with no clue that it would be coming anytime, and we grew more concerned with each passing hour. Finally, on Wednesday Dan brought up the possibility of buying a home pregnancy test. I didn't want to because I was terrified of seeing a + or two lines or a big bold PREGNANT glaring up at me. Scenarios were running through my head of what I would do if I was. That's as far as I got, I couldn't bring myself to say or even think that terrible "P" word. What would I do if I took the test and it came back positive? I can't have a baby, not right now. I barely have $200 in the bank. I'm only 22. I'm trying to get a better job, and go back to school. I'm not ready to give up my life for a tiny, insistent human life. I can't even afford a dog. I could get an abortion, but I'd feel terrible even if I caught it this early. I could keep it and give it up for adoption, but I have no insurance and wouldn't be able to afford the routine check ups, not to mention anything that might pop up if something went wrong. That and I'd feel horrible having a kid out there that I didn't know. I'd feel awful thinking about how he might feel unwanted because I gave him up. All of this ran through my head in a jumbled mess in about twelve seconds.
Dan insisted that he would feel better knowing, no matter which way it turned out. At least we'd know. I knew I would stay up worrying if it came back positive, but I'd probably be able to sleep not knowing. I agreed to get the test for his peace of mind. I made him take us to the store in his car, since he had our reserved spot. I felt horribly awkward standing in the aisle staring at the pregnancy tests, trying to decide which one to get. We grabbed a First Response two-pack, since it's supposed to be able to tell within only four days of your missed period. We also got some corn on the cob. Yumm.
Of course, I'd already peed just before deciding to go to the store, so I had to drink a bunch of water while we tried to distract ourselves watching Glee. It worked, but only until the next commercial break. Damn. I finally peed on the damn stick (that was awkward) and left it in the bathroom to develop for a few minutes. Dan and I distracted ourselves more. Five minutes later, we checked the test. One line. Negative. Not pregnant. Thank god.
Of course, my period started trickling in on Thursday and came full-force on Friday. All that worrying and hand wringing and avoidance that could have just been ignored and resolved with a few more days of "wait-and-see."
I went off birth control toward the end of February due to my financial situation and lack of health insurance, but we've still been practicing safe sex. Dan brought up last Saturday night as we were cuddling in bed that it had been quite awhile since I'd had it, but I don't clearly remember the last time I had my period. I know it was just ending on a Friday/Saturday that we went to Dan's parents' house. That would be either Easter weekend or two weekends before that for Tatiana's birthday. We couldn't pinpoint it better than either of the two weekends. So, four to six weeks ago. I'm used to it coming every four weeks like clockwork, either Sunday night or Monday morning, for the last five years. It was either coming up right on time, or it was two weeks late. It was that "two weeks late" part that we were concerned about. I'd meant to keep track of my periods after coming off birth control, but it kept slipping my mind, so now we have this great big question mark hanging over our heads to deal with.
Sunday came and went with no sign of it. Monday too. Days passed with no clue that it would be coming anytime, and we grew more concerned with each passing hour. Finally, on Wednesday Dan brought up the possibility of buying a home pregnancy test. I didn't want to because I was terrified of seeing a + or two lines or a big bold PREGNANT glaring up at me. Scenarios were running through my head of what I would do if I was. That's as far as I got, I couldn't bring myself to say or even think that terrible "P" word. What would I do if I took the test and it came back positive? I can't have a baby, not right now. I barely have $200 in the bank. I'm only 22. I'm trying to get a better job, and go back to school. I'm not ready to give up my life for a tiny, insistent human life. I can't even afford a dog. I could get an abortion, but I'd feel terrible even if I caught it this early. I could keep it and give it up for adoption, but I have no insurance and wouldn't be able to afford the routine check ups, not to mention anything that might pop up if something went wrong. That and I'd feel horrible having a kid out there that I didn't know. I'd feel awful thinking about how he might feel unwanted because I gave him up. All of this ran through my head in a jumbled mess in about twelve seconds.
Dan insisted that he would feel better knowing, no matter which way it turned out. At least we'd know. I knew I would stay up worrying if it came back positive, but I'd probably be able to sleep not knowing. I agreed to get the test for his peace of mind. I made him take us to the store in his car, since he had our reserved spot. I felt horribly awkward standing in the aisle staring at the pregnancy tests, trying to decide which one to get. We grabbed a First Response two-pack, since it's supposed to be able to tell within only four days of your missed period. We also got some corn on the cob. Yumm.
Of course, I'd already peed just before deciding to go to the store, so I had to drink a bunch of water while we tried to distract ourselves watching Glee. It worked, but only until the next commercial break. Damn. I finally peed on the damn stick (that was awkward) and left it in the bathroom to develop for a few minutes. Dan and I distracted ourselves more. Five minutes later, we checked the test. One line. Negative. Not pregnant. Thank god.
Of course, my period started trickling in on Thursday and came full-force on Friday. All that worrying and hand wringing and avoidance that could have just been ignored and resolved with a few more days of "wait-and-see."