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[honeymom]

Over the years I have found that everyone has a dark side. Most people are balanced,integated and are able to use strength and power, light and dark to live in this world. The dark side helps us push through, when being nice would get your ass kick. The light is always there pulling you out of the dark. So, one might say, living in the gray is

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[txreisende]

*hug* I know what you mean. This is why I dance the way I do, because it's the closest I can find to a safe way to let any of the dark things out. This is also why I drive the way I sometimes do, and fight. My faith demands things of me that my darker self doesn't want to give, and right now I am learning the hard lesson of turning the other cheek. Not in passivity, not in letting something happen to me, but as an active choice to extend grace where extending grace has gotten me burned before. I don't want to, I want to scream at the sky and be isolated and selfish and self-righteous, but those are neither right, nor what my God asks of me. Doing something only because it is right, knowing that it will be uncredited, possibly even unknown, by the subect on whose behalf you act, not knowing if it will be of any tangible benefit to the subject, is an uncomfortable thing. It is, in purest form, an act of faith. It is also very lonely. If I have a teacher it is my own mistakes. There are people who inspire me, both as good examples and bad ones, but no one else is accountable for my soul, and so I sail the waters of it, dark and light, alone.
Except.
Other people have felt these pains, lived these highs and lows before me. There is no single incident in my life that is so unique that someone, somewhere has not already done it before me. And survived. As have, hopefully, those around them. Sometimes it has helped to talk to the people who have been there already. In that sense, I have never been alone, although I didn't always realize it at the time. In that sense also, you are not alone at all. In one way, everyone *is* that self-absorbed; I in the lessons of my life, you in the lessons of yours, etc. It's difficult to reach out and gain perspective when you're still in the maelstrom. In another way, some lessons depend on reaching out to others, and the lesson is in the interaction itself.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, or what you need for where you are...I have some rooms in my head that are in need of sweeping out, too. All I can really say with certainy is that you are not shouting into the void. You are heard. And I have herbal references for you :)