(no subject)
and like a bomb: sadness.
Seeing him, throwing with him, this friend who takes care of himself like he would anyone else and who never lies, reminds me of everything I'm throwing away-- the ease of banter and laughter knocks me flat in the heart and I'm staggering under the weight of the truth I bury, every day, every bottle, every obliterated memory cell. Blackouts leave wonder behind. Remember when my brain was nimble, was brilliant, leaped to make connections, opened to think new things? I had every day's change of idea, every new answer's astonishing power. I blew my mind by the second.
And while I sank into the bus stop this beautiful afternoon under the fallout, Alaina walked by on her way to the first practice and told me she'd miss me and she wanted to throw, to learn to throw from me ... I can't believe I'm giving this up, this team, this game, my last year. I can't believe it.
A couple people have hypothesized that my leaking brilliance and waning rage are signs of growing and becoming more stable. If this is growing up, it sucks.
Seeing him, throwing with him, this friend who takes care of himself like he would anyone else and who never lies, reminds me of everything I'm throwing away-- the ease of banter and laughter knocks me flat in the heart and I'm staggering under the weight of the truth I bury, every day, every bottle, every obliterated memory cell. Blackouts leave wonder behind. Remember when my brain was nimble, was brilliant, leaped to make connections, opened to think new things? I had every day's change of idea, every new answer's astonishing power. I blew my mind by the second.
And while I sank into the bus stop this beautiful afternoon under the fallout, Alaina walked by on her way to the first practice and told me she'd miss me and she wanted to throw, to learn to throw from me ... I can't believe I'm giving this up, this team, this game, my last year. I can't believe it.
A couple people have hypothesized that my leaking brilliance and waning rage are signs of growing and becoming more stable. If this is growing up, it sucks.