concerned about fitting into the world...your world that is
wooo baby! 2 updates in a 24 hour period? that's craaazzzy maaaaan. (done in Andrew's 'stoner' voice)
so here's the deal. I am an irresponsible piece of shit. yes, that is correct. let me give you a quick list of the major things i have neglected to do recently
1) show up to my court date
2) get a cashier's check to pay my resulting ticket
3) turn in my residency classification forms to prevent us from getting charged double for tuition
4) call the vet to schedule a follow up exam for Covey now that her 30 days of anti-biotics are over
5) pay my parking tickets in a timely manner so the DaimlerChrysler lease program does not threaten to drop us
6) not be busy every single effing night of fall break in order to give myself a chance to study...
which leads me to #7
STUDY FOR MY GENDER AND THE LAW MIDTERM WHICH WILL OCCUR AT 4:10 PM TODAY!
on the bright side, I did do all my laundry while I was home. I did not get my hunt coat dry cleaned. I...oh GOD I need to get more organized. I am a pathetic shell of a human being! So if I make a list right now of all the imperative things, significant things, and odds and ends that I need to get done in the next week or two, I think I would explode from being so overwhelmed. But I NEED to make the darn list or I forget stuff. Or rather, perhaps it is that I ignore stuff. If I ignore it, it will go away, right? Sure, Kristin. Sure.
What happens when you squander your life away?
I have spent a lot of time wondering if I have any special defining qualities about me. Anything. at. all. I don't think I do. Or maybe, there is something burried deep inside but I just have not given it the chance to rise. Or it once rose and I supressed it and kicked it to the curb and made it not want to return. I think that work ethic, drive, motivation and attitude are the only things that really get you by in an accomplishment based world. The only exception to this is if you are undeniably gifted or brillant, to the extent that your talents are so great they cannot be overshadowed by lack of drive. You have to be naturally exceptional to the Nth degree to not have to work your tail feathers off to make things happen. Quite frankly, I do not have that luxury. And yet I continue to shirk off responsibilities and opportunities. I consistently fail to rise to the occasion, to step up to the plate, to make the effort.
This may seem like an utterly shallow example to you cultured folk out there but...let's consider the movie Dodgeball. Vince Vaughn is prepared to drink his life away instead of fighting with his team to beat those bastards and Globo-gym. Lance Armstrong comes up to him and gives him a pseudo-pep talk. He talks about his battle with 80 million types of cancer and how he went on to win the tour de france 5 times in a row (though now it is 7, whatever. minor detail.). He also makes other cracks about how if you never quit when the going got tough, then you'd never have anything to regret for the rest of your life.
Or...how about A League of Their Own! Dottie Henson (as played by Geena Davis) tries to slip out the back door right before the championship game (!!!!!). Her reason for wanting to quit baseball is that "it got too hard." Now, I do not believe this to be a reference to the actual physical demands of the game. I actually see it as a "too hard" in terms of the relationships in her life that have suffered because of it and the emotional sacrifices she has had to make (think: with her sister, Kit). BUT the point remainds the same. Tom Hanks as Jimmy Duggan says, "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it."
WELL GOD DAMNIT I QUIT WHEN IT GETS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I always have.
I'm not sure if I always will.
it's a tough line to determine you know. when are you 'quitting' because you are determining realistic expectations and determinnig the opportunity cost of something, and when are you just flat out quitting because you don't feel like trying?
UGH!!!!! I wish I knew. I guess I will just GIVE UP trying to decide because it is hard :-P ugh seriously now.
plus, i never think things through. I am a dreamer, but the dreams have been sucked out of my in favor of cynicism. I am still a dreamer in the sense that I make no concrete plans to accomplish anything. I think about how nice something would be or how I want to do something in my life or with my life, but I never delve into the steps needed to get there. I brush it off, think that it will come later or come in due time or that things will just happen along the way. Ahhhh why am I such a miserable failure?
My conclusion is that I will never accomplish anything in my life *anything* in my life or be anything that I am proud of if I continue to operate the way I do now.
I need to...take the time to think about things. I need to understand why I am doing things or how I will do them. But I also need to prevent my mind from over analyzing and paralyzing my forward movement.
Human actions are driven largely by fear. I think my whole life is dominated by fear. Fear which leads me to inaction. Inaction can be as destructive or worse than non-ideal action. bloody effing hell. I have opened up a whole can of worms with this one.
Basically, this is my down on me and my lifestyle entry. There are so many things that I do wrong. That I feel guilt and apprehension over. I feel like I always have this huge weight on my shoulders. Like I always have this big...teetor totter of things hanging above my head, and if one aspect goes out of balance, the whole thing will collapse down around me. It's crazy.
Yeah, it's like I leave these loose ends all around me and everything is just waiting to explode on me. The loose ends are fuses waiting for their dynamite. I need to get rid of all these fuses or I am going to go crazy. I need to clean my life up. Not clean up as in go to rehab, I feel like that would be so much more cut and dry.
I live life in fear almost every single moment. Fear of how people perceive me mostly. Fear of being found out. I am afraid of being exposed as the irresponsible, inconsiderate, incapable jumble of a person that I am.
I have so many happy things to talk about, but I am just so stressed. I am moved to inaction yet again, however. I am moved to sit and wait like a jar of particles that cannot get together to form anything useful. I am moved to feel frantic and apathetic at the same time. I am moved to be motionless. Except in my head. Where I go silently into...
so dramatic. but i am so consumed with guilt for every little thing i do or fail to do. and it's stupid and crazy and petty and i can't make myself be better. or make myself not feel like i need to be better or...rawr.
Kristin.
so here's the deal. I am an irresponsible piece of shit. yes, that is correct. let me give you a quick list of the major things i have neglected to do recently
1) show up to my court date
2) get a cashier's check to pay my resulting ticket
3) turn in my residency classification forms to prevent us from getting charged double for tuition
4) call the vet to schedule a follow up exam for Covey now that her 30 days of anti-biotics are over
5) pay my parking tickets in a timely manner so the DaimlerChrysler lease program does not threaten to drop us
6) not be busy every single effing night of fall break in order to give myself a chance to study...
which leads me to #7
STUDY FOR MY GENDER AND THE LAW MIDTERM WHICH WILL OCCUR AT 4:10 PM TODAY!
on the bright side, I did do all my laundry while I was home. I did not get my hunt coat dry cleaned. I...oh GOD I need to get more organized. I am a pathetic shell of a human being! So if I make a list right now of all the imperative things, significant things, and odds and ends that I need to get done in the next week or two, I think I would explode from being so overwhelmed. But I NEED to make the darn list or I forget stuff. Or rather, perhaps it is that I ignore stuff. If I ignore it, it will go away, right? Sure, Kristin. Sure.
What happens when you squander your life away?
I have spent a lot of time wondering if I have any special defining qualities about me. Anything. at. all. I don't think I do. Or maybe, there is something burried deep inside but I just have not given it the chance to rise. Or it once rose and I supressed it and kicked it to the curb and made it not want to return. I think that work ethic, drive, motivation and attitude are the only things that really get you by in an accomplishment based world. The only exception to this is if you are undeniably gifted or brillant, to the extent that your talents are so great they cannot be overshadowed by lack of drive. You have to be naturally exceptional to the Nth degree to not have to work your tail feathers off to make things happen. Quite frankly, I do not have that luxury. And yet I continue to shirk off responsibilities and opportunities. I consistently fail to rise to the occasion, to step up to the plate, to make the effort.
This may seem like an utterly shallow example to you cultured folk out there but...let's consider the movie Dodgeball. Vince Vaughn is prepared to drink his life away instead of fighting with his team to beat those bastards and Globo-gym. Lance Armstrong comes up to him and gives him a pseudo-pep talk. He talks about his battle with 80 million types of cancer and how he went on to win the tour de france 5 times in a row (though now it is 7, whatever. minor detail.). He also makes other cracks about how if you never quit when the going got tough, then you'd never have anything to regret for the rest of your life.
Or...how about A League of Their Own! Dottie Henson (as played by Geena Davis) tries to slip out the back door right before the championship game (!!!!!). Her reason for wanting to quit baseball is that "it got too hard." Now, I do not believe this to be a reference to the actual physical demands of the game. I actually see it as a "too hard" in terms of the relationships in her life that have suffered because of it and the emotional sacrifices she has had to make (think: with her sister, Kit). BUT the point remainds the same. Tom Hanks as Jimmy Duggan says, "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it."
WELL GOD DAMNIT I QUIT WHEN IT GETS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I always have.
I'm not sure if I always will.
it's a tough line to determine you know. when are you 'quitting' because you are determining realistic expectations and determinnig the opportunity cost of something, and when are you just flat out quitting because you don't feel like trying?
UGH!!!!! I wish I knew. I guess I will just GIVE UP trying to decide because it is hard :-P ugh seriously now.
plus, i never think things through. I am a dreamer, but the dreams have been sucked out of my in favor of cynicism. I am still a dreamer in the sense that I make no concrete plans to accomplish anything. I think about how nice something would be or how I want to do something in my life or with my life, but I never delve into the steps needed to get there. I brush it off, think that it will come later or come in due time or that things will just happen along the way. Ahhhh why am I such a miserable failure?
My conclusion is that I will never accomplish anything in my life *anything* in my life or be anything that I am proud of if I continue to operate the way I do now.
I need to...take the time to think about things. I need to understand why I am doing things or how I will do them. But I also need to prevent my mind from over analyzing and paralyzing my forward movement.
Human actions are driven largely by fear. I think my whole life is dominated by fear. Fear which leads me to inaction. Inaction can be as destructive or worse than non-ideal action. bloody effing hell. I have opened up a whole can of worms with this one.
Basically, this is my down on me and my lifestyle entry. There are so many things that I do wrong. That I feel guilt and apprehension over. I feel like I always have this huge weight on my shoulders. Like I always have this big...teetor totter of things hanging above my head, and if one aspect goes out of balance, the whole thing will collapse down around me. It's crazy.
Yeah, it's like I leave these loose ends all around me and everything is just waiting to explode on me. The loose ends are fuses waiting for their dynamite. I need to get rid of all these fuses or I am going to go crazy. I need to clean my life up. Not clean up as in go to rehab, I feel like that would be so much more cut and dry.
I live life in fear almost every single moment. Fear of how people perceive me mostly. Fear of being found out. I am afraid of being exposed as the irresponsible, inconsiderate, incapable jumble of a person that I am.
I have so many happy things to talk about, but I am just so stressed. I am moved to inaction yet again, however. I am moved to sit and wait like a jar of particles that cannot get together to form anything useful. I am moved to feel frantic and apathetic at the same time. I am moved to be motionless. Except in my head. Where I go silently into...
so dramatic. but i am so consumed with guilt for every little thing i do or fail to do. and it's stupid and crazy and petty and i can't make myself be better. or make myself not feel like i need to be better or...rawr.
Kristin.