Aug 22, 2005 03:29
you see father, a man has got to do what a man has got to do.
So kids!
It's very interesting to me.
How SO MUCH has been going on in my life.
And yet I feel like I've done nothing at all.
Really though, a lot has happened.
And will continue to happen.
My biggest new challenge hasn't even started yet.
Wait, which is my biggest new challenge?
Starting at UMich I suppose.
I'm so excited.
And I'm so scared.
And I'm so dreading it.
And I'm so inspired.
And I'm so giddy.
The complicated thing though, is that now it's about more than just school.
And more than just the ability to grow as a person.
Now it's about...well, it's actually about my ability to grow as a person even more than ever.
This will be a good test in so many ways.
I just hope I can live up to the expectations.
Who am I kidding?
I don't HAVE any expectations really.
It's really really really really really odd because...I hardly even think about horses as fitting into my life. Which is terrible. Because I still DO think about horses. And I still love to ride. But I don't like to put in the effort. And I don't...I don't make my plans around them anymore. I feel like a huge failure on the one hand. I feel a sense of relief on the other.
I think this is just an odd point of change in my life. I know I will come back to horses. I know they will always always be a part of me. I think...I just need a little time to take away any unnecessary complications right now.I honestly don't think I can make it as the *kind of trainer I want to be* and sometimes I don't know if I would want to anymore. So since I can't do that, I need some time. I need some time to think about the rest of my life. I don't want to be overwhelmed. I have had such tunnel vision these last few years. For no real good reason. It's time to step out of my little box. It's time to figure out WHAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME. I want to know what REALLY GETS MY HEART PUMPING, what really INSPIRES me. I need to figure this stuff out on my own.
I kind of feel like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride when Richard Gere is trying to get her to figure out what kind of eggs she likes best. She's never had to make that decision for herself and she ends up sitting down and trying every kind of egg she can think of to discover her favorite.
SO...that's what I need to do with life right now. Try a little bit of everything out. I need to see what I like and what I am interested in and I need to do it myself. I need to make my own decisions without having ANYTHING stand in my way.
In less than 2 weeks, I will be off to start figuring out what kind of eggs I like best.
One thing I know for sure though, I will not change my mind about what kind of bass players I like :)
~*my friends, you are swimming in a sea of endless love*~
Kristin Lee Syverson