This is Nathalie upset.
It's official.
I hate the St Andrews website. I hate the St Andrews student portal. None of that shit works and it is so obviously emblematic of the problems my university has with BASIC WEB DESIGN that I want to scream. I don't even know what time my classes are. I don't even know where to go for pre-advising. Do you want to know how I find out where to go and when to go?
I GO TO THE LIBRARY AND LOOK AT THE BOARD.
Yeah. I'm mad.
In other news, my grandfather's wife is a horrid, horrid person and I really just can't stand her. My jaw hurt so much at the end of the night it was actually attributable to clenching my jaw at her inane and racist and classist and sexist attitudes. Can you BELIEVE she wanted to charge Rose 80 pounds a week to to live with me, when the next door neighbors pay 65? Can you BELIEVE she insinuated that my brother, who has never lived away from home, has never been away from home for more than a week, has never ever ever done anything without mommy or daddy holding his hand, and has always gotten his own way, is somehow MORE PREPARED for the college experience...that I'm already experiencing?
What the hell is wrong with her? Why am I so completely worthless to her while my brother, who I love but also acknowledge is spoiled, immature, and so completely used to getting his way from my parents who can't stand up to his bullying and his crying and his tantrums, is her personal idol? Because HE IS A BOY. Mom said, it, all my aunts said it, all my friends said it, and even my brother says she treats me like shit. Because to her I am an embarrassment. Because while I may have good grades and all that what really matters is connections, social airs, and idle chitchat during cocktail hour (she is becoming a monstrous drunken lech).
Her friends in Scotland have grandkids she wants me to hang out with...and she insists that I CALL THEM and ask to become part of their circle because they are "SUPERIOR" and "ATTRACTIVE" people, obviously insinuating that I am not, I am worthless, and I am yet again an embarrassment because I hang out with people who can THINK FOR THEMSELVES and yes, spend more time THINKING than ACCESSORIZING. I've met those people, they are honestly amazingly shallow and privileged and yeah I have a few wealthy friends but they don't throw their Gucci handbags and Louis Vuitton wallets and cashmere scarves in my face as if I am the scum of the earth. You can have those things and be intelligent. You can have those things and be my friend. But they hardly deign to make eye contact when we pass each other. I am social scum, an anchor to their highly prized social status among the hoity-toity rich kid club.
I am not the scum of the earth. I am not pretty. I do not dress well. I don't know how to socialize, how to banter stupidly about people I know and what they're doing and how I'm richer than them, ha. I don't know how to mingle, how to hold a wine glass, how to keep eye contact when I am bored by them.
But I know how to write a paper on international law, and I can tell you why it does and doesn't work, and who said what about it. I can tell you about nuclear proliferation in southeast Asia, something I've always wanted to know about. I can hold my own in a conversation about local, regional, domestic, and international politics. I am SMART. I am not color-coordinated, I am INTELLIGENT. I buy my clothes from Target and they don't fit really well but I am CLEVER, QUICK-THINKING, and always DETERMINED to be identified as someone who knows what they're talking about, who is eloquent and well-read, and who can use big words when she wants without a thesaurus rather than someone who can throw a cocktail party. I don't take time styling my hair or putting on makeup unless I want to, but I've always been like that. I am who I am. Don't try to put me with the "superior" and "attractive" people. I am not them. I am academic, not social.
I know I am not the smartest person in the world, I know I'm not the smartest person in my university or even in my classes. But I am smart. I know things. I like to learn. I like to challenge myself and challenge others. I am academically rather than socially competitive. I know that's not the way to political office or whatever the hell she thinks will come of me, but it's enough to get a Phd, get a really good job and maybe help someone or some country.
I wanted to throttle her. She is my satan. My personal hell.
I hate the St Andrews website. I hate the St Andrews student portal. None of that shit works and it is so obviously emblematic of the problems my university has with BASIC WEB DESIGN that I want to scream. I don't even know what time my classes are. I don't even know where to go for pre-advising. Do you want to know how I find out where to go and when to go?
I GO TO THE LIBRARY AND LOOK AT THE BOARD.
Yeah. I'm mad.
In other news, my grandfather's wife is a horrid, horrid person and I really just can't stand her. My jaw hurt so much at the end of the night it was actually attributable to clenching my jaw at her inane and racist and classist and sexist attitudes. Can you BELIEVE she wanted to charge Rose 80 pounds a week to to live with me, when the next door neighbors pay 65? Can you BELIEVE she insinuated that my brother, who has never lived away from home, has never been away from home for more than a week, has never ever ever done anything without mommy or daddy holding his hand, and has always gotten his own way, is somehow MORE PREPARED for the college experience...that I'm already experiencing?
What the hell is wrong with her? Why am I so completely worthless to her while my brother, who I love but also acknowledge is spoiled, immature, and so completely used to getting his way from my parents who can't stand up to his bullying and his crying and his tantrums, is her personal idol? Because HE IS A BOY. Mom said, it, all my aunts said it, all my friends said it, and even my brother says she treats me like shit. Because to her I am an embarrassment. Because while I may have good grades and all that what really matters is connections, social airs, and idle chitchat during cocktail hour (she is becoming a monstrous drunken lech).
Her friends in Scotland have grandkids she wants me to hang out with...and she insists that I CALL THEM and ask to become part of their circle because they are "SUPERIOR" and "ATTRACTIVE" people, obviously insinuating that I am not, I am worthless, and I am yet again an embarrassment because I hang out with people who can THINK FOR THEMSELVES and yes, spend more time THINKING than ACCESSORIZING. I've met those people, they are honestly amazingly shallow and privileged and yeah I have a few wealthy friends but they don't throw their Gucci handbags and Louis Vuitton wallets and cashmere scarves in my face as if I am the scum of the earth. You can have those things and be intelligent. You can have those things and be my friend. But they hardly deign to make eye contact when we pass each other. I am social scum, an anchor to their highly prized social status among the hoity-toity rich kid club.
I am not the scum of the earth. I am not pretty. I do not dress well. I don't know how to socialize, how to banter stupidly about people I know and what they're doing and how I'm richer than them, ha. I don't know how to mingle, how to hold a wine glass, how to keep eye contact when I am bored by them.
But I know how to write a paper on international law, and I can tell you why it does and doesn't work, and who said what about it. I can tell you about nuclear proliferation in southeast Asia, something I've always wanted to know about. I can hold my own in a conversation about local, regional, domestic, and international politics. I am SMART. I am not color-coordinated, I am INTELLIGENT. I buy my clothes from Target and they don't fit really well but I am CLEVER, QUICK-THINKING, and always DETERMINED to be identified as someone who knows what they're talking about, who is eloquent and well-read, and who can use big words when she wants without a thesaurus rather than someone who can throw a cocktail party. I don't take time styling my hair or putting on makeup unless I want to, but I've always been like that. I am who I am. Don't try to put me with the "superior" and "attractive" people. I am not them. I am academic, not social.
I know I am not the smartest person in the world, I know I'm not the smartest person in my university or even in my classes. But I am smart. I know things. I like to learn. I like to challenge myself and challenge others. I am academically rather than socially competitive. I know that's not the way to political office or whatever the hell she thinks will come of me, but it's enough to get a Phd, get a really good job and maybe help someone or some country.
I wanted to throttle her. She is my satan. My personal hell.