I watch the poledance of the stars
I misspoke. It's not depression, it's bursting at the seams. I've been told it just sounds like love and OF COURSE it's love. That's ALL it is, but am I the only one who understands that to say 'all it is is love' is almost as much of a disservice as saying 'it's just the universe' or 'it's just the spark of life'. What the hell. I don't understand it. And it's not like it's concentrated in one direction. I've been in love with Jon since I was seventeen. I know what loving a person with every cell feels like. But this? I've never done this. I've never loved everything with every cell before. It is difficult and hard to contain and HARD TO CONTAIN and hard to contain.
Except. It's not that ridiculously overjoyed kind. It's the kind where you feel joined and you want to kiss and touch skin and do the accoutrements of love... except there's not a person. I just want the things around me to touch like I touch. I want to share. AND IT'S HARD TO CONTAIN.
It's also very hard to explain. Of course I'm happy, but there's too much inside. It leaks around the edges. It leaks into my dreams.
My dreams. are. magic. I've never had so many dreams that I've been so set on remembering before. They started strangely and have continued beautifully. My favorite was the one where I swam naked in the warm ocean, and I couldn't get past the breakers, so I settled for tidepools. And the man I was with looked at me like I was the only beautiful thing on earth, but it was during the Leonids and the sky was absolutely dancing with its stars in swirls and streaks. As he touched me, I got to watch the stars like a mirror. The tidepools connected to an open building that let the ocean flow in and had its own saltwater pools inside with skylights and many windows. It was the color of a lit pool at night and honey and black and warm. My dreams are trying to make me happy and succeeding. The next night Dr Who (David Tennant) was looking at me like he looked at Rose, and I felt so complete.
This emotional explosion does not fit in well with my daily activities, needless to say. Grad school has taken a back seat. Grad school is in the trunk. Grad school is in the sidecar attached to this motorcycle. Grad school is the tin cans attached to my bumper.
Except. It's not that ridiculously overjoyed kind. It's the kind where you feel joined and you want to kiss and touch skin and do the accoutrements of love... except there's not a person. I just want the things around me to touch like I touch. I want to share. AND IT'S HARD TO CONTAIN.
It's also very hard to explain. Of course I'm happy, but there's too much inside. It leaks around the edges. It leaks into my dreams.
My dreams. are. magic. I've never had so many dreams that I've been so set on remembering before. They started strangely and have continued beautifully. My favorite was the one where I swam naked in the warm ocean, and I couldn't get past the breakers, so I settled for tidepools. And the man I was with looked at me like I was the only beautiful thing on earth, but it was during the Leonids and the sky was absolutely dancing with its stars in swirls and streaks. As he touched me, I got to watch the stars like a mirror. The tidepools connected to an open building that let the ocean flow in and had its own saltwater pools inside with skylights and many windows. It was the color of a lit pool at night and honey and black and warm. My dreams are trying to make me happy and succeeding. The next night Dr Who (David Tennant) was looking at me like he looked at Rose, and I felt so complete.
This emotional explosion does not fit in well with my daily activities, needless to say. Grad school has taken a back seat. Grad school is in the trunk. Grad school is in the sidecar attached to this motorcycle. Grad school is the tin cans attached to my bumper.