I feel like shit...
...because I feel like I'm letting people down. I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, for myself or other people.
I overslept this morning, and when I was rushing to get my stuff in order for class I was trying to print my english rough draft and peer editing sheets, but my computer wouldn't connect to printwise, my printer wouldnt' print, absolutely everything that could go wrong DID go wrong, and I was stuck there in front of my computer feeling like a complete moron because I couldnt' get anything to work and it was fucking me up the ass. So I did the only thing I could do for peer editing day; since I had nothing there was no point in me being there (she'd told me this before) so I emailed my rough draft to her and groveled in an email telling her what happened and why I wasn't in class, and yada yada yada. And now I'm lying in bed, feeling like shit.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I feel like such a fuck-up...I'm not working hard enough (for my own standards), my grades aren't good enough (for anyone's standards), and I feel like nothing I do right now is doing any good. Like everything is destined to blow up in my face.
I'm just so incredibly depressed right now, and I don't know why. I feel like crying, but I know that crying won't get anything fixed, and then I just feel even worse.
I want things to work again. I want my classes to come easily to me again (which I know is a ridiculous thing to ask). I want to feel smart again. Because my entire life I've been surrounded by people smarter than me, and because I'm friends with them or because I use big words and write a lot, people automatically assume that I'm a hell of a lot smarter than I really am. My dad's a fucking genius and my mom's insanely smart, and Tim's amazing, and all my friends are in the honors program except my roommates but they're all incredibly smart and dedicated and better than me, and all I can do is sit back and watch as everyone's life moves forward but mine. As everyone's grades are As and A+s and shit like that, and here I am excited that I got an A on one test, or a B in a class.
I guess what it all comes down to is that unwavering feeling that I don't belong here. And no matter how much I love it or how much I want to be as smart as everyone else in my life, I'm not, and I never will be.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to be all emo and write shit about how much my life sucks, whatever. But when my dad came to visit me, he didnt' ask me anything about school or about my classes, or how I'm doing. Like he'd given up on me. I know it sounds bad to think that about my dad, but you have to understand: my father is a genius. He went to CalTech. Entirely on a mathematical scholarship. This man is brilliant. And here I am, his lowly daughter who can't even do simple formulas right without trying a second time, getting mediocre grades at a college that he won't let me forget is "costing him a shit-load." So I'm also wasting his money, while he wishes (not so secretly) that he'd had kids as smart as Ezra or Anna (my also genius cousins).
It's like I come from a family of geniuses, and I'm the runt. The one that, no matter what, will always fail.
The pressure that my family and friends put on me, whether it's intentional or not, is making me want to give up.
And the thought of that makes me want to cry even more.
I overslept this morning, and when I was rushing to get my stuff in order for class I was trying to print my english rough draft and peer editing sheets, but my computer wouldn't connect to printwise, my printer wouldnt' print, absolutely everything that could go wrong DID go wrong, and I was stuck there in front of my computer feeling like a complete moron because I couldnt' get anything to work and it was fucking me up the ass. So I did the only thing I could do for peer editing day; since I had nothing there was no point in me being there (she'd told me this before) so I emailed my rough draft to her and groveled in an email telling her what happened and why I wasn't in class, and yada yada yada. And now I'm lying in bed, feeling like shit.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I feel like such a fuck-up...I'm not working hard enough (for my own standards), my grades aren't good enough (for anyone's standards), and I feel like nothing I do right now is doing any good. Like everything is destined to blow up in my face.
I'm just so incredibly depressed right now, and I don't know why. I feel like crying, but I know that crying won't get anything fixed, and then I just feel even worse.
I want things to work again. I want my classes to come easily to me again (which I know is a ridiculous thing to ask). I want to feel smart again. Because my entire life I've been surrounded by people smarter than me, and because I'm friends with them or because I use big words and write a lot, people automatically assume that I'm a hell of a lot smarter than I really am. My dad's a fucking genius and my mom's insanely smart, and Tim's amazing, and all my friends are in the honors program except my roommates but they're all incredibly smart and dedicated and better than me, and all I can do is sit back and watch as everyone's life moves forward but mine. As everyone's grades are As and A+s and shit like that, and here I am excited that I got an A on one test, or a B in a class.
I guess what it all comes down to is that unwavering feeling that I don't belong here. And no matter how much I love it or how much I want to be as smart as everyone else in my life, I'm not, and I never will be.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to be all emo and write shit about how much my life sucks, whatever. But when my dad came to visit me, he didnt' ask me anything about school or about my classes, or how I'm doing. Like he'd given up on me. I know it sounds bad to think that about my dad, but you have to understand: my father is a genius. He went to CalTech. Entirely on a mathematical scholarship. This man is brilliant. And here I am, his lowly daughter who can't even do simple formulas right without trying a second time, getting mediocre grades at a college that he won't let me forget is "costing him a shit-load." So I'm also wasting his money, while he wishes (not so secretly) that he'd had kids as smart as Ezra or Anna (my also genius cousins).
It's like I come from a family of geniuses, and I'm the runt. The one that, no matter what, will always fail.
The pressure that my family and friends put on me, whether it's intentional or not, is making me want to give up.
And the thought of that makes me want to cry even more.