Super Amazing Movie Extreme Review Extravaganza!!!
Boy oh boy! Have I got a movie for you turds! Maybe you've heard of a movie that's playing in theatres now: a movie by the name of GRINDHOUSE! Now, you hear the name and already you're getting hard, so how can it go wrong? It doesn't, that's how. This may be the first ever movie experience that I'd give a ten, but let's review it before I rush into dispensing such a monumental honour.
PLANET TERROR
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What the hell ya stupid bitch, I thought you were reviewing Grindhouse!." Well guess what, it's a double feature titled Grindhouse that harks to the days of cheap movie theatres with cheesy but very fun movies that took little effort to make. Newmarket kids might remember the Film Factory, well that was on it's way there until it became a really stupid youth centre. So don't mouth off to me like that again!
Now that we have that out of the way, I'll tell you why this was great. When the lights dim and we get past the car commercials we're treated to a fake preview that should be real. The movie that should be real was Hobo With a Shotgun. After that we see the real previews and you think, "Wow movies have changed and are far too slick. They seem so unnatural these days!" Don't worry, throughout both features you feel like you're watching something low-quality with no budget. They even omit scenes and have a note from "theatre management" apologizing for a lost reel. Both films are full of this kind of fun that reminds you why you're watching this.
Anyways! Planet Terror is Robert Rodriguez's movie about an infection that mutates the host with horrible bubbles on their skin and makes them kind of like zombies in the sense that they can't really think properly and they looooove to eats the peoples. We also had other stories going on in there including a married couple that are both doctors (and each trying to kill the other) and Rose Mcgowan with her lack of leg. Let's see, what else? Well if you like gore we have that in both quantity and quality. This includes Fergie's head. We have explosions that result in further gore splatter and plot complications. There's sexiness galore due to close-ups of lady parts on very beautiful women. There are actors who show up that make you go, "Hey! He/She's in there! Cool!" You know, like Tom Savini as a deputy or Quentin Tarantino as a rapist.
Overall, I'm really happy with how it all happened. The beginning, the filling and the end. Oh lord was the ending a good one. This one gets 9.6 melting nutsacks out of 10.
And now: DEATH PROOF
Kurt Russell plays a psychotic former stunt-man with some serious women issues. If you didn't think he was creepy before, you will now! Boy, will you ever. Especially if you're a young lady. If you thought Mr Tarantino was creepy in From Dusk Till Dawn, you don't know jack shit! Kurt plays his role too well and I want to run the shower and curl up in the corner of the tub when I look at him like this. Now while the two movies are under the same double-feature title, they're very different and hard to compare. Planet Terror has a lot of more action and while it still looked like a film reel dug up from the 70s, the explosions and makeup effects looked too damn good to be mistaken as such. When I started watching Death Proof it seemed like it could easily be mistaken as something that takes place in the 70s in its style and music. I actually thought it was taking place in the 70s until one character pulled out her cellphone and started texting. It starts with the dialogue we associate with Tarantino's movies but just before that can have a chance to get tedious we get to see a tire take someone's face off. Mmm... My nipples are hard. It goes from what looks like another serial killer movie to something a little more like a revenge movie or Switchblade Sisters. See, instead of watching chick flicks chicks should watch this kind of thing and come out feeling powerful instead of like swooning over Jude Law. The ending completely fit the style and actually made most of the audience applaud. Can you dig it? Can you dig that this gets 9.7 feet that Tarantino is hot for out of 10? Fuck yeah! If you don't see this double-feature gem of a masterpiece and don't feel like high-fiving someone, I don't want to know you.
Another note: the previews for fake movies between the two films not only gave me a chance to urinate, but almost made me urinate again from laughter! Guess what? Those suckers thrown in make the whole movie experience TEN OUT OF FUCKING TEN! Want to record the day? It's going down in history. You'll understand when you go to see it. Because you're going to... Aren't you? Come with me when I go to see it again and again.
PLANET TERROR
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What the hell ya stupid bitch, I thought you were reviewing Grindhouse!." Well guess what, it's a double feature titled Grindhouse that harks to the days of cheap movie theatres with cheesy but very fun movies that took little effort to make. Newmarket kids might remember the Film Factory, well that was on it's way there until it became a really stupid youth centre. So don't mouth off to me like that again!
Now that we have that out of the way, I'll tell you why this was great. When the lights dim and we get past the car commercials we're treated to a fake preview that should be real. The movie that should be real was Hobo With a Shotgun. After that we see the real previews and you think, "Wow movies have changed and are far too slick. They seem so unnatural these days!" Don't worry, throughout both features you feel like you're watching something low-quality with no budget. They even omit scenes and have a note from "theatre management" apologizing for a lost reel. Both films are full of this kind of fun that reminds you why you're watching this.
Anyways! Planet Terror is Robert Rodriguez's movie about an infection that mutates the host with horrible bubbles on their skin and makes them kind of like zombies in the sense that they can't really think properly and they looooove to eats the peoples. We also had other stories going on in there including a married couple that are both doctors (and each trying to kill the other) and Rose Mcgowan with her lack of leg. Let's see, what else? Well if you like gore we have that in both quantity and quality. This includes Fergie's head. We have explosions that result in further gore splatter and plot complications. There's sexiness galore due to close-ups of lady parts on very beautiful women. There are actors who show up that make you go, "Hey! He/She's in there! Cool!" You know, like Tom Savini as a deputy or Quentin Tarantino as a rapist.
Overall, I'm really happy with how it all happened. The beginning, the filling and the end. Oh lord was the ending a good one. This one gets 9.6 melting nutsacks out of 10.
And now: DEATH PROOF
Kurt Russell plays a psychotic former stunt-man with some serious women issues. If you didn't think he was creepy before, you will now! Boy, will you ever. Especially if you're a young lady. If you thought Mr Tarantino was creepy in From Dusk Till Dawn, you don't know jack shit! Kurt plays his role too well and I want to run the shower and curl up in the corner of the tub when I look at him like this. Now while the two movies are under the same double-feature title, they're very different and hard to compare. Planet Terror has a lot of more action and while it still looked like a film reel dug up from the 70s, the explosions and makeup effects looked too damn good to be mistaken as such. When I started watching Death Proof it seemed like it could easily be mistaken as something that takes place in the 70s in its style and music. I actually thought it was taking place in the 70s until one character pulled out her cellphone and started texting. It starts with the dialogue we associate with Tarantino's movies but just before that can have a chance to get tedious we get to see a tire take someone's face off. Mmm... My nipples are hard. It goes from what looks like another serial killer movie to something a little more like a revenge movie or Switchblade Sisters. See, instead of watching chick flicks chicks should watch this kind of thing and come out feeling powerful instead of like swooning over Jude Law. The ending completely fit the style and actually made most of the audience applaud. Can you dig it? Can you dig that this gets 9.7 feet that Tarantino is hot for out of 10? Fuck yeah! If you don't see this double-feature gem of a masterpiece and don't feel like high-fiving someone, I don't want to know you.
Another note: the previews for fake movies between the two films not only gave me a chance to urinate, but almost made me urinate again from laughter! Guess what? Those suckers thrown in make the whole movie experience TEN OUT OF FUCKING TEN! Want to record the day? It's going down in history. You'll understand when you go to see it. Because you're going to... Aren't you? Come with me when I go to see it again and again.