(no subject)
I really don't know where I am re: life right now. It's not a crisis or BAD STUFF, just a bumpy road I've been stuck on for a few months now. It feels like I can't be "around" people for fear of getting irritated too quickly. It's getting harder and harder to hide my annoyances, usually with difficult customers or strangers. Sometimes, however, I've had to grit my teeth around those I really love though, which bothers me. I just have absolutely no tolerance when it comes to differences of opinion or how some shit's been reeeeally hurtful lately but I can't express it without hurting someone right back. It turns to bitter, passive-aggressiveness, and I hate the feeling of it. Half the time when I'm smiling, I feel fake; I get angrier and angrier even at the slightest of offenses, or INNOCENT mishaps; I feel like an arrogant, bitchy old man when I DO spout-off when I feel safe enough to. It's not that I'm wrong or that my annoyance-level/anger isn't justified, but I've been putting too much weight into shit that maybe I should just let-the-hell-GO of.
Unfortunately, that includes fandom. I've gotten dead-sick of it lately. It feels like I've been writingandwritingandwriting with not much to show for it. I've been trying really hard to think of fun ideas, plot-bunnies, etc., and even when I hit one dead-on, it feels empty. I'll make a post in LJ, general day-to-day personal-life crap and I think, "Oh, who cares?" after I put the entry up. I've been feeling sad about fandom, and don't like it. I want fandom to feel FUN, and it just isn't right now. I've been crying over it, ffs. I'm down-and-out, soooo close to saying "fuck this" and never writing another C/Z again. It's not all because of the original-writing project I've struck up (my most viable, staying-alive one I've had in years upon years), but mood, shift in perspective and where I want my writing to go. RL plays a part, too. I don't know if I'll be working after May, with how Gavs has been and what he needs.
When the school season started and gave me time to write, I didn't use it. I didn't WANT to write. Everything I've written since August? Besides a few bright moments, I've really not cared much for any work I've done. Seriously. Confession? I didn't end up enjoying the C/Z Valentine's event at all. Any other holiday fic-challenges/days, the same--didn't really care. It had nothing to do with the fics or writers, or me, just there's been no 'spark' lately. I feel like I'm looking around a messy but otherwise empty room, not knowing how to put shit back together. So I've metaphorically gone in, sighed and walked back out, over and over again.
Seasonal depression? Maybe. Depression in general? I gotta call my psych for a friggin' appt., so that's a maybe, too. A blahness that'll pass and I'll be wondering why I felt this low when I'm finishing every single WIP and more within a month's time? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Either way, this feels very different, and I'd rather make a post as "myself" and--yet again--apologize if I'm not around, or not participating in stuff. Believe me, you don't want me around when I'm like this, anyway. I'm just hitting a very low-point.
Some people are in the same spot, or are busy; factors that make fandoms very, very quiet. I guess I'm entering that kind of phase right now. I really HAVE been here for a while now, just not ready to admit it, I suppose.
Comments disabled, simply because I don't wanna focus on LJ for a while. Still love you guys, of course, but I'm taking off for a bit. I don't want drama, but I don't want people to think I'm ignoring them, either. So... yea. :P
Unfortunately, that includes fandom. I've gotten dead-sick of it lately. It feels like I've been writingandwritingandwriting with not much to show for it. I've been trying really hard to think of fun ideas, plot-bunnies, etc., and even when I hit one dead-on, it feels empty. I'll make a post in LJ, general day-to-day personal-life crap and I think, "Oh, who cares?" after I put the entry up. I've been feeling sad about fandom, and don't like it. I want fandom to feel FUN, and it just isn't right now. I've been crying over it, ffs. I'm down-and-out, soooo close to saying "fuck this" and never writing another C/Z again. It's not all because of the original-writing project I've struck up (my most viable, staying-alive one I've had in years upon years), but mood, shift in perspective and where I want my writing to go. RL plays a part, too. I don't know if I'll be working after May, with how Gavs has been and what he needs.
When the school season started and gave me time to write, I didn't use it. I didn't WANT to write. Everything I've written since August? Besides a few bright moments, I've really not cared much for any work I've done. Seriously. Confession? I didn't end up enjoying the C/Z Valentine's event at all. Any other holiday fic-challenges/days, the same--didn't really care. It had nothing to do with the fics or writers, or me, just there's been no 'spark' lately. I feel like I'm looking around a messy but otherwise empty room, not knowing how to put shit back together. So I've metaphorically gone in, sighed and walked back out, over and over again.
Seasonal depression? Maybe. Depression in general? I gotta call my psych for a friggin' appt., so that's a maybe, too. A blahness that'll pass and I'll be wondering why I felt this low when I'm finishing every single WIP and more within a month's time? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Either way, this feels very different, and I'd rather make a post as "myself" and--yet again--apologize if I'm not around, or not participating in stuff. Believe me, you don't want me around when I'm like this, anyway. I'm just hitting a very low-point.
Some people are in the same spot, or are busy; factors that make fandoms very, very quiet. I guess I'm entering that kind of phase right now. I really HAVE been here for a while now, just not ready to admit it, I suppose.
Comments disabled, simply because I don't wanna focus on LJ for a while. Still love you guys, of course, but I'm taking off for a bit. I don't want drama, but I don't want people to think I'm ignoring them, either. So... yea. :P