(no subject)
I haven't said much about the whole gambling issue since my "coming-out" party, but... I suppose I really DID hit the ultimate bottom, emotionally speaking anyway, cos' I done been clean for almost a month. :) Ever since that story and posting(s), I haven't put my hands to one ticket. :D
And it's funny, the dreams that have come with it. I'm ALWAYS either gambling or *wanting* to; one I had a few weeks ago involved me cleaning out the car of old scratched-up tickets. One can interpret it as a clear-out, because I was thinking while doing it, 'This is it! No more of this crap!'... for whatevz reason, my co-worker Carrie REALLY WANTED THEM, so I was giving them to her. But I knew there was a dollar winner in there somewhere, and told her to give it to me if she found it. Then I found an unscratched one. With all the guilt in the world, I said, "well, one last one," and scratched. To my amazement, it was a $5k winner, zomg. At first I was thrilled, but then got wary, since most $1s only go up to $3k. Sure enough, the ticket said it's top prize was $3k... "IT'S ALL A LIIIIIE!" was my thought before waking up, lol.
The others where I'm caving and buying 'em, when I start waking up all half-asleep, I am SO disappointed in myself. 'Oh god, I did it! I failed!'... until I fully wake and realize, 'oh. Never mind.'
I'd say today was my most tempting day since quitting. I was heading to the store for cigs, and though I keep all my receipts for Pan to keep track and have proof that I'm not gambling, I was thinking maybe I COULD cave, it'd be fun. But nope. The key thing for me is to rushrushrush. I leave the engine running and I run in, get whatever and grab the receipt, run out, get gas, run out... so on. I just go soldier-like.
And all those times I thought, 'Eh! No big, I can cover this loss,' then move on into 'WE HAVE NO MONEY!!11!1eleventy!!' mode mere hours later... it's different now. We're still not rich, but it feels as if we really DO have more money. After all, I'm not spending stupidly. It's even helped some impulse-buys; I stopped at Rite Aid with three things in mind: Q-Tips, Goodnites for Gavs and Advil. Most of the time I'll shove a couple extras in, but I didn't. I felt no NEED to do it. Now, our grocery trip? Lol, we got a titch more than we'd planned on, but--it felt good. It's been like--the result of my not gambling is the reward, literally. I have MORE MONEY. Y'know?
I know I'm just blather-musing here. Wouldn't blame you if you said "Tl;dr," ten minutes ago and clicked the back button. It's more for myself, anyway. :) Will I be filing for bankruptcy? Yes, but it's after more than a decade of trying to make up for years of impulse control issues (we're not even talking gambling, entirely--ever since I've been medicated, I have a LOT more control), honestly trying to pay my debts. But if I can start over with this new attitude and not live beyond my means or be horribly careless, I'll be sure to never have to fall in the hole again.
I suppose the thing I'm learning is this: I have a job, Pan has a job and we get benefits for our son. We're not rich and probably will never be, but we have three good solid source of income, and it needs to be treated with respect. We're luckier than most people in having a home (even if it sucks, it can't be taken away!) and jobs, a car, friends, family and a healthy kid. Nothing is perfect with everyone when it comes to money, and yea, the low-to-middle class is under the gun. That includes us. There are a lot of things out of our control, but when it comes down to it, these aren't "Money Problems"... they're "Me Problems". I've made crappy, careless decisions, but I don't have to make them again. I probably WILL, gambling involved or not, but I can either choose to work hard on it, be free and make a success out of myself, or slip behind, fail and complain about how "I don't have any money!!" all the time.
Thing is, I DO have money. Half of Gavvy's check is sitting in my wallet still, we got a LOT of things done so we DON'T have to scour the couch for change in the next few days, I filled the tank and I got my first gas-card, $25, to put toward the Mini-Mass-Moot with moit and naemi (GOOD CHRIST ONLY TWO WEEKS THE HELL AWAY!!!) Is it enough money and savings for a house? No. But money is still in Pan's account, we stretched $40 from my last check until today (with some still available), Gavs' picture day is tomorrow which we'll be able to afford and a bill or two gets paid. The boost will make our checks this next week stretch even more. The gears are moving, and it feels good. I'm allowing myself to be successful, because I have the choice to do it. I'm finally making that right choice. And It. Feels. Good. :)
And it's funny, the dreams that have come with it. I'm ALWAYS either gambling or *wanting* to; one I had a few weeks ago involved me cleaning out the car of old scratched-up tickets. One can interpret it as a clear-out, because I was thinking while doing it, 'This is it! No more of this crap!'... for whatevz reason, my co-worker Carrie REALLY WANTED THEM, so I was giving them to her. But I knew there was a dollar winner in there somewhere, and told her to give it to me if she found it. Then I found an unscratched one. With all the guilt in the world, I said, "well, one last one," and scratched. To my amazement, it was a $5k winner, zomg. At first I was thrilled, but then got wary, since most $1s only go up to $3k. Sure enough, the ticket said it's top prize was $3k... "IT'S ALL A LIIIIIE!" was my thought before waking up, lol.
The others where I'm caving and buying 'em, when I start waking up all half-asleep, I am SO disappointed in myself. 'Oh god, I did it! I failed!'... until I fully wake and realize, 'oh. Never mind.'
I'd say today was my most tempting day since quitting. I was heading to the store for cigs, and though I keep all my receipts for Pan to keep track and have proof that I'm not gambling, I was thinking maybe I COULD cave, it'd be fun. But nope. The key thing for me is to rushrushrush. I leave the engine running and I run in, get whatever and grab the receipt, run out, get gas, run out... so on. I just go soldier-like.
And all those times I thought, 'Eh! No big, I can cover this loss,' then move on into 'WE HAVE NO MONEY!!11!1eleventy!!' mode mere hours later... it's different now. We're still not rich, but it feels as if we really DO have more money. After all, I'm not spending stupidly. It's even helped some impulse-buys; I stopped at Rite Aid with three things in mind: Q-Tips, Goodnites for Gavs and Advil. Most of the time I'll shove a couple extras in, but I didn't. I felt no NEED to do it. Now, our grocery trip? Lol, we got a titch more than we'd planned on, but--it felt good. It's been like--the result of my not gambling is the reward, literally. I have MORE MONEY. Y'know?
I know I'm just blather-musing here. Wouldn't blame you if you said "Tl;dr," ten minutes ago and clicked the back button. It's more for myself, anyway. :) Will I be filing for bankruptcy? Yes, but it's after more than a decade of trying to make up for years of impulse control issues (we're not even talking gambling, entirely--ever since I've been medicated, I have a LOT more control), honestly trying to pay my debts. But if I can start over with this new attitude and not live beyond my means or be horribly careless, I'll be sure to never have to fall in the hole again.
I suppose the thing I'm learning is this: I have a job, Pan has a job and we get benefits for our son. We're not rich and probably will never be, but we have three good solid source of income, and it needs to be treated with respect. We're luckier than most people in having a home (even if it sucks, it can't be taken away!) and jobs, a car, friends, family and a healthy kid. Nothing is perfect with everyone when it comes to money, and yea, the low-to-middle class is under the gun. That includes us. There are a lot of things out of our control, but when it comes down to it, these aren't "Money Problems"... they're "Me Problems". I've made crappy, careless decisions, but I don't have to make them again. I probably WILL, gambling involved or not, but I can either choose to work hard on it, be free and make a success out of myself, or slip behind, fail and complain about how "I don't have any money!!" all the time.
Thing is, I DO have money. Half of Gavvy's check is sitting in my wallet still, we got a LOT of things done so we DON'T have to scour the couch for change in the next few days, I filled the tank and I got my first gas-card, $25, to put toward the Mini-Mass-Moot with moit and naemi (GOOD CHRIST ONLY TWO WEEKS THE HELL AWAY!!!) Is it enough money and savings for a house? No. But money is still in Pan's account, we stretched $40 from my last check until today (with some still available), Gavs' picture day is tomorrow which we'll be able to afford and a bill or two gets paid. The boost will make our checks this next week stretch even more. The gears are moving, and it feels good. I'm allowing myself to be successful, because I have the choice to do it. I'm finally making that right choice. And It. Feels. Good. :)