(no subject)
I was so excited that Gavs was going back to school after staying home Fri. and yesterday, his belly acting up. All he'd done allll weekend was scream and throw fits. I love him, we had some sweet cuddle time here and there, but it was all-out stress whenever I was in range of him. Thank god for Pan, who took him out and carried most of the weight. I've had some which have to do with having a yeast infection, being on the rag and potty-probs all at the same time and needed to be left the f*&k alone for a while. But this morning destroyed me.
When Gavs is missing something from a set, he loses his mind. Today it was this little Santa-Christmas board book set he loves, two books missing. He kept asking, "4? 8?", the designated names/places he's given them. I gave the underneath of the couch a quick sweep and looked around in general, but he had school to get to. Enter wild, high-pitched distressing screaming. Over and over again. I kept saying, "I don't know where they are, Gavs! I just don't!", and it went on and on and on and on...
I couldn't take it. I just couldn't f*&king take it. I got angry, yelled back (set a bad example, whatever), and just grabbed the books and tossed them out of the room. He went to collect them and I tried, yet again, to chill out cos' I felt so bad for doing that, but then it grew in pitch and volume. I told him, "If you don't stop screaming, they're going in the trash." Of course, he didn't stop, so they went in the trash. Now I felt even MORE terrible, because he walked over crying his eyes out, saying "Goodbye!" to the books. I couldn't stick to it. I felt like a monster. I took them back out and he sat with them on the couch. I finally went over to him and held him. It felt terrible, awful and sickening the way things had gone. I got him on the bus with only some small protest from him, walked back in the house and instead of smiling and feeling free for the day, I sat in the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I'm currently on Ativan and feeling loopy.
It's just been awful. This is all compounded with my feeling sick, so it's ten times worse. I'm still tearing-up and sick inside. It's just not a good day, at all.
When Gavs is missing something from a set, he loses his mind. Today it was this little Santa-Christmas board book set he loves, two books missing. He kept asking, "4? 8?", the designated names/places he's given them. I gave the underneath of the couch a quick sweep and looked around in general, but he had school to get to. Enter wild, high-pitched distressing screaming. Over and over again. I kept saying, "I don't know where they are, Gavs! I just don't!", and it went on and on and on and on...
I couldn't take it. I just couldn't f*&king take it. I got angry, yelled back (set a bad example, whatever), and just grabbed the books and tossed them out of the room. He went to collect them and I tried, yet again, to chill out cos' I felt so bad for doing that, but then it grew in pitch and volume. I told him, "If you don't stop screaming, they're going in the trash." Of course, he didn't stop, so they went in the trash. Now I felt even MORE terrible, because he walked over crying his eyes out, saying "Goodbye!" to the books. I couldn't stick to it. I felt like a monster. I took them back out and he sat with them on the couch. I finally went over to him and held him. It felt terrible, awful and sickening the way things had gone. I got him on the bus with only some small protest from him, walked back in the house and instead of smiling and feeling free for the day, I sat in the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I'm currently on Ativan and feeling loopy.
It's just been awful. This is all compounded with my feeling sick, so it's ten times worse. I'm still tearing-up and sick inside. It's just not a good day, at all.