Hey look! ANGST!
Title: Undecided (Pt. 10)
Pairing(s): Josh/Lij, Sean A./Lij
Rating: Slight R
Synopsis: Elijah fears change and losing those he cares about--yet it's pretty damned inevitable.
Disclaimer: I don't know these people! If they did, I dunno if they'd wanna know ME! :D
Previous Parts: H&V-1, A_B-2, H&V-3, Both of us-4 (showing off the new banner by primula_baggins!, H&V-5 (ending A-B's run, as she wanted me to take over), 6, 7, 8, 9
It was official; Dominic Monaghan was a complete and utter saint.
“I know it’s not the best arrangement--but there’s no moving the poor bloke,” he told both Elijah and Sean after coming into the den. They’d stayed there the entire hour and a half that Dom had been with Josh in the front hall and living room, not wanting to interfere. Elijah had resigned to listening to the muted conversation that entire time, leaning on Sean and trying to control his nerves. With Dom’s coming in now and announcing that Josh had simply passed out on the couch…
“It’s okay… I’ll get some blankets,” Elijah said, standing up with a low groan. “Is it folded out…?”
“’Fraid not,” Dom said. He made a long, heavy yawn before continuing. “He just… fell asleep.”
Elijah bit his lip; Josh was in for a really crappy morning. Not only would he have a hangover, he’d be besieged with a crick in his neck and sore ankles, both ends hanging off of the couch. “I’ll try to shove a pillow under his head, or something,” he said.
“Mmkay… um…” Dom went to say, only to have his words cut off by yet another yawn. “Can I grab a cup of your shit coffee, so I don’t fall asleep at the wheel…?”
A tiny, sad smile crept onto Elijah’s lips as he went to the hallway closet. “Dom… just stay in the guest room. You’ve done enough to help us out,” he murmured.
“Well, okay… but, uh--?” he hissed, nodding towards the den where Sean was.
Elijah blinked hard. “He can stay in my bed with me.”
“You’re sure… with Josh here and all?”
“It’s not like he doesn’t know already,” Elijah grumbled.
Dom looked as if he were going to say something else, but stopped. He simply nodded and wandered off towards the bathroom while Elijah grabbed up blankets and an extra pillow. With a sigh, he shut the door and stepped back to the den’s doorway. Sean looked up and sighed. “He’s gonna stay here, then?”
“Yea… both.”
“I heard. I’ll be in your room, right?” Sean asked.
If Elijah had the choice, he would have gone out to the nearest Wal-Mart, bought an inflatable mattress and put it out for the man. After this terrible night, Elijah wanted to be alone--never mind house three others with him. “Yea,” he said.
Sean nodded and stood, looking depressed and tired. “I’ll wait ‘til Dom’s done in the bathroom… freshen up and head to bed then.”
“Okay,” Elijah mumbled. He turned away and padded down the hall into the living room. Going around the couch, he bit his lip, hard.
Josh lie there, his head barely balanced on his bent arm--the way his body was placed, right near the edge of the cushions, threatened to pitch him to the floor. Trying to be gentle and smooth, Elijah managed to lift Josh’s head from his arm. It made the man grunt and flinch a little, but the pillow slid under just fine.
Elijah went mechanical, configuring the space Josh had and the comfort he’d need. When Elijah finished tending to him, he surveyed his work; Josh was safer now, his body shuffled to the back of the couch rather than the edge. The large blanket covered him from chin to toe, making him nothing but eyes, eyebrows and messy dark hair. A sigh shuddered out past Elijah’s lips…
He bent down, allowing him to be level with Josh’s face. He stared at the eyes rolling underneath the lids, the only movement the man made. Elijah cocked his head to the side and furrowed his brow, tempted to cry yet again. “Josh,” he murmured. He dared to place his fingers over Josh’s brow. They brushed over the warm skin, finding it damp with a light sheen of sweat. I hurt him. So fucking bad.
The inevitable occurred, quicker than Elijah thought it would. He knew it was normal to think on the ‘good times’ after a breakup, but it offered nothing but pain now.
The time we got drunk on the beach, only to get stung by a jellyfish… begging him not to pee on my leg…
Smashing pieces of pie into each other’s faces, and screaming when he insisted on licking it off…
Watching our special ‘movie’ we’d made before I left, while talking on the phone with him in New Zealand, pretending we were with each other instead of using our hands…
He couldn’t help but feel that it was all over now--even if he still wanted it. Gone. Elijah leaned in closer, feeling Josh’s soft breath wash over his face. “I’m sorry, baby,” he murmured. “Wish there was something I could do.”
“Lij?”
Elijah looked up and found Sean standing in the hallway entrance, watching him intently. “Yea?” he muttered.
“Are you okay?” the man asked.
“I dunno,” Elijah replied. He stood up; giving one last, long look to Josh, he rounded around the couch, holding his head in his hand.
“Let’s go to bed, okay?”
Elijah nodded and went ahead, Sean following him. He passed by the guest room, just before he opened the bedroom door. Seeing Dom settle himself on the bed in the moonlit room, he forced a small smile. “Thanks, Dommie… ‘night,” he said.
“No prob,” Dom yawned out.
The two of them entered the bedroom; it would look so bad, but he had no real choice. He couldn’t turn neither man away, and Dom wasn’t about to drive home. “Sean…” Elijah mumbled, going to sit on the bed.
“Hmm?”
“You understand that… I don’t want anything to happen tonight. Right?”
Sean’s lips parted; he shook his head slightly. “Of course I understand, Lij. Of course.”
Elijah nodded slowly. “Thank you,” he replied. He laid down on the bed and groaned. He stiffened slightly in feeling Sean pull up the covers on the other side, but relaxed when Sean simply settled in.
“One thing…?”
“What?”
“A kiss… a small one… please?”
With a heavy sigh, Elijah turned his head. In all truth, he DID want something soft and warm on his lips. Even if it was more for a selfish need, rather than a loving act, he took Sean’s soft, small kiss with gratitude.
~*~
Sean climbed out of bed, feeling ill; Christ, it was only just before seven a.m. by Elijah’s alarm clock. He was used to being an early riser, but he’d hoped to catch more sleep than this. He looked to the other side of the bed and almost smiled.
God, he loved him--loved the boy so much, it hurt. He’d hidden his doubts about everything--he’d surely had them, all this time. Fear had followed him everywhere, wondering if he’d have been the one to tell his wife, or if they’d trip up somewhere down the line, and she’d find out herself. As terrified as he’d been, Sean was glad for the former occurring.
Elijah moved his head to the side then, snoring a little. Sean put a hand to his chest, rubbing there a moment before standing up. He knew Elijah needed his space, as Sean needed his own as well. Getting out of bed and having some breakfast would help, for the moment.
He’d figured that he was the first to be up--Dom’s energy had been tapped, probably more than anyone else. It didn’t matter the emotional messes that they’d ALL gone through the night before. Sean’s perspective of the Brit had shifted from ‘what an annoying bastard’ to ‘how did he MANAGE that?’ He passed by the guestroom, hearing a sudden loud snore come from inside. He smiled and moved on.
Though the second person he’d expected to not just be sleeping--but a complete, hungover mess when he DID wake, was standing by the couch and folding the blanket that he’d used. Sean froze in the hall, staring at Josh, who then looked up and found Sean as well.
For a moment, nothing was said. Sean blinked furiously, waiting for what he felt was sure to happen; more yelling, pushing, shoving… whatever else. He was surprised then, to see Josh look away, huff a little then walk over to the closet.
“Are you…” Sean started, wishing he hadn’t bothered. He’d spoken however, and he couldn’t ignore that. “Feeling all right?”
Josh stayed silent for the moment as he opened the closet door. Rooting around a moment, he shrugged. “Whatever,” he coldly replied. He groaned in frustration and shook his head. “Where the fuck did he put it?”
“Put what?”
“A fuckin’ ‘Vikings’ jersey he hijacked from me.”
“I think it’s in his bedroom clo--” Sean said, stopping abruptly as Josh turned to him with a stony stare. “--set.”
Josh nodded slowly and shut the closet door. Brushing past Sean to head down the hall, he sighed. “You’d know, huh?”
Sean pursed his lips. Yea--he’d deserved that one. He leaned against the wall and looked over his shoulder, seeing Josh walk into Elijah’s bedroom. Sean turned further, wanting to make sure things would go all right. Josh seemed intent on just getting his jersey; he was at the closet, digging around, until he finally brought it out into view. Sean sighed to himself--then frowned, seeing Josh stop a few paces from the door.
He was most obviously looking to the bed; Sean assumed he was still asleep. Josh said nothing and didn’t move for a moment or two, then turned back to the hall and shut the door behind him.
Sean made sure to stay out of the man’s path completely as he passed, still wordless and mechanical looking. He tried to think on breakfast… Elijah had some bagels left, and the juice Sean loved to partake of--some sort of tropical fruit… thing…
“He’s all yours. ‘K?”
Josh speaking again made Sean look back to him with a frown. “Huh?”
“Lij. All yours,” Josh said, shoving his jacket on. “He doesn’t want to be with me, that’s fuckin’ apparent.”
Sean’s lips parted, watching Josh pick up his jersey and go to leave. “Wait… wait, hold on,” Sean said, taking a few steps in. Josh groaned with annoyance and turned back around. With a sigh, Sean peered at Josh with an inquiring gaze. “He DOES care about you, y’now. You don’t have to give up like that.”
“Huh?” Josh blurted. He smiled dryly and shook his head. “What, you want competition?”
“It’s not that… but Lij does care about you. It’s something you should know,” Sean said. “You might think he’s a shit for what he did, but… he was so damned torn over everything. Everything.”
“Yep… well, he’ll live,” Josh said. He didn’t look like he wanted to keep talking, but he wasn’t leaving either. He took his pack of cigarettes out, grabbed one and lit it. Looking back to Sean, he let a long stream of smoke billow out. “I might be young yet, but he’s a fuckin’ baby, when it comes down to it. Not meant as an insult at all. And y’now, even if you two did have something, I think it’s kinda shitty of you to take advantage.”
“‘Take advantage’?” Sean echoed. “I… Josh, don’t go there. I never did anything like that.”
“He’s young and stupid, Sean. Young and stupid, just as he should be. The last thing he needed was to fall in bed with a married man.”
Sean was torn between wanting to haul off and punch the guy, and feeling guilty… even if he couldn’t quite grasp what Josh was saying just yet. Deep down, maybe… “We cared for each other, Josh. It wasn’t some cheap fling.”
“Good. That’s a point on your side, then. Cos’ if you used him and left him, I would’ve shot you in the street,” Josh said. At Sean’s swallow, Josh raised his eyebrows. “He can think I didn’t care about him, that’s fine. I know that I did, and that’s what matters.”
“I know you did. Even when he’d think you didn’t.”
“Good,” Josh said. He slung his jersey over his shoulder and took another drag. Staring at the cigarette, he bit his lip. “I’m leaving for Morocco, tonight. I need to get away, from everything--it’s best that this ends, now. Don‘t tell Lij, cos’ I don‘t need whatever blathering he’d come up with to try to make me stay… if he even cares to do such.”
“Josh…” Sean started. It felt useless to try to say anything, however.
A sudden burst of low, rumbling thunder came from outside, making Josh grin wryly. “That’s my cue. See ya,” he said.
Sean watched on, wordless and empty as the man ventured over to the door, opened it and left.
~*~
The morning storm roused Elijah from his blank, dreamless sleep. His eyes opened at the sudden flash and sound of heavy thunder, making his mood complete.
No resolve… not yet. Elijah’s entire world was hanging in the air still. Looking to the other side of the bed, he found Sean missing. He frowned and pushed himself up on his hands. He immediately pondered on the worst: Dom lying unconscious, his intervening attempts gone awry with both Josh and Sean fighting and knocking him out, letting the two men beat each other silly… “Stop it,” Elijah told himself. He rolled his eyes and left the bed, wanting to make sure everything was all right.
Finding Dom in the kitchen, putting a bagel in the toaster, had to be one of the most reassuring sights he’d ever set his eyes on. “Hi,” Elijah mumbled.
Dom looked over and raised his eyebrows. “Hey… how do you feel, Doodle?”
Elijah shrugged and looked to the floor. “Fantastic.”
“I’d figured,” Dom said. “Han came by a bit ago. She could pretty much tell what was going on already, but I told her it wasn’t a good time. She said she’d come around tonight some time.”
“Yea, sure,” Elijah said. He finally looked to the living room, finding the blankets folded neatly on the cushions. “Josh left?”
“Yea.”
Elijah bit his lip and looked to Dom. “Did… did he say anything to you before he did?”
“I wasn’t up…but Sean was,” Dom told him.
“Great. I’m surprised I didn’t wake up with the fireworks that went off.”
“Nothing happened, Lij. Sean told me they’d said a few words, and Josh left.”
“Where is Sean?”
Dom nodded to the back of the house. Elijah looked and saw Sean, sitting in one of the lawn chairs under the covered porch. Giving Dom a quick nod, Elijah padded over to the sliding door and went outside.
Sean looked away from whatever he’d been staring at to Elijah, smiling weakly. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Elijah returned. He sat in the chair next to the man and groaned. “You, um… saw Josh this morning?”
“Yea,” Sean replied.
“Nothing bad happened… right?”
“No… not at all, not at all,” Sean rambled.
“Okay,” Elijah replied. He sat back and looked over the landscape, trying to find enjoyment in the storm’s sounds. He always loved weather like this, but--not now. It seemed to symbolic to find comfort in it. “What did he say?”
Sean swallowed and shrugged. “He um… I guess he took back some jersey or another.”
“Oh…” Elijah said, looking back to the house. “The ‘Vikings’ one?”
“Yea, I guess.”
Well--THAT certainly made things feel fucking final. “Kept forgetting to give it back.”
“Guess he just wanted… to get things over with,” Sean said.
“Did he… say that things were ‘over with’?” Elijah asked. The way Sean looked to him then, his eyes sad and lower lip getting gnawed said enough. Elijah slumped back in his chair. “God… guess that’s it, then. Doesn’t even wait for me to wake up to say goodbye.”
“He just wanted to get away, that’s all. I can’t blame him. It’s been pretty damned stressful,” Sean told him.
“Under-fucking-statement,” Elijah grumbled. “I’ll just have to drop by his place before he leaves for… Somalia, or whatever.”
Sean’s jaw tensed as he kept staring ahead. “Maybe you could,” Sean muttered.
“Yea…” Elijah said, trailing off a bit. He looked to Sean and blinked hard. “I don’t want you to be hurt by that, y’now. But I was with him, and--”
“Lij… honestly. I’m not tying into knots over that. I sorta know what you’re talking about,” Sean interrupted.
Elijah sat back further, watching Sean carefully…of course he knew--how could he not? “Sorry.”
“It’s all right,” Sean murmured. He seemed to go even more tense as he went on, fiddling with his fingers the whole time. “If you’re going to try to talk to him… might be best to do so, sooner than later.”
Elijah sighed and stared at the floor. “He probably doesn’t want me around. Maybe I should wait for him to call… whatever.”
“I think it’s you that should go to him,” Sean said. Elijah sensed a sort of ‘mystery’ behind the words and stared at the man with an unwavering look. He noticed Sean’s small squirm in his seat. “It’d just be best that way.”
Elijah nodded slowly. “Should… I go now?”
“Yea,” Sean replied quickly. He nodded to Elijah as if to convey urgency in the smallest way he could. “Yea.”
~*~
The way Josh looked at Elijah, who stood on Josh’s doorstep with huffing breaths convinced him--Josh had planned to take off.
“Told you, huh?” Josh muttered.
Elijah swallowed hard, trying to come up with words. “No… no, but he hinted.”
Josh rolled his eyes, turned and stalked back into his apartment. Following him into the living room, Elijah wanted to throw up. “You’re packing already,” he murmured, looking at the two half-filled suitcases.
“Not tonight, like I told your boyfriend, there,” Josh replied coldly. He went over to a pile of clothes and folded them haphazardly, then placed them into a case. “Couldn’t switch my tickets that fast.”
“Josh…” Elijah said. He felt helpless and hopeless, not knowing what to say. He walked over to the couch and sat next to him. “Josh, don’t just… go like this, angry and upset.”
Josh stopped his motions, going still and quiet as he stared at the coffee table. “Found out I’m gonna be seeing another friend of yours.”
“Huh?”
“That Bloom guy… the elf, right?”
“Oh… yea, that’s him,” Elijah said. “He’s--gonna be in the movie with you?”
“Yup,” Josh said; he then resumed packing, shrugging as he did. “It’s gonna be hard not to run into people that hung out with you in New Zealand, it seems. Like everyone in the world was in them, fuck’s sake.”
“It was a big production.”
“Yup.”
Elijah stared at Josh, who seemed to go robotic in his task. “I didn’t want it to end up like this. I didn’t, Josh,” Elijah blurted. “It hurt me… that I hurt you.”
“Funny. Thought I didn’t care, or some shit like that,” Josh replied, going into an abrupt stand. Elijah watched as he crossed the room to grab up his cigarettes that sat on top of the television. He finally looked at Elijah as he lit up, biting the inside of his cheek a little. “You can go on and believe all that--like I told Seanie there, I don’t care, about that. Believe what you want to.”
“No… Josh. You cared, and I should’ve known better than to say you didn’t. But…” Elijah stopped a moment. Looking back up to the man, he sighed shakily. “There’d been so many times--so many fucking times that I really wasn’t sure what you thought about me. Me, no, I CAN’T say that I’ve fallen in love, ever. Not with you, or Sean… anybody. But things were… special, with you. They really were.”
“Were,” Josh reiterated.
“Yea… it’s kinda the past, now… with what I did.”
Josh took a deep breath, still regarding Elijah carefully. “No. Not with what you did, Lij. It’s stupid to think that way,” he finally spoke. He turned his eyes to the window and crossed his arms. “It’s been years now, since Texas. And we’re still kids, when it comes to this damned business. It’s natch to grow up and out of shit.”
“I… didn’t want that. I didn’t want to ‘grow out’ of you,” Elijah shuddered out. Tears found him, yet again, as he shook his head. “There’d been no reason to do that. I wanted to stay with you, but…”
“But you found something--someone else, Lij. And that’s fine,” Josh said. He walked around the couch to the kitchen. “Want anything to drink? I gotta empty this thing.”
The stupid notion that perhaps, Josh wouldn’t be able to leave if he left soda in his fridge, ran through Elijah’s mind. He rolled his eyes and shook his head. “No thanks.”
Bottles made light clinking sounds as Josh brought out a can of ginger ale. Cracking it open, he looked to Elijah and sighed again. “Lij…” he started, leaning on the counter. “I really did care for you. A whole fucking lot.”
“You don’t… have to say these things. I was an idiot for saying what I did.”
“I wanna say it… so let me.”
Elijah glanced back to him, noting his somber, serious expression. He closed his eyes and turned back around, putting his face in his hands. Sobs started up, deep in his chest, making his body tremble. “I’m sorry, Josh. I r-really am. I wasn’t fair, to anyone, especially you. And I’m sorry…” he shook out.
The other side of the couch dipped a little, signifying Josh’s return. He leaned forward and sipped his drink, studying the table again. “It happened, and we’ll get on with it. It’s not something that’s going to misalign the fucking planets. We’ll live.”
Elijah shook his head. “There’s this… huge part of me, Josh--this huge part of me that regrets all of this, and just wants to be with you. I’ve never been with anyone like I’ve been with you, even when I was with Sean,” Elijah explained, still choking on small, pained gasps. “Maybe it’s greedy for me that say that I’d KILL to have you both, y’now? In a way, I wish it could be like that.”
“Nothing wrong with open relationships… but it wouldn’t work. Too many issues, and I can’t stand issues,” Josh said. He paused a few moments, taking more sips of his drink before he looked to Elijah with narrowed eyes. “He’s treated you good… right?”
“Yea.”
“Then if you want that, go for it.”
“I dunno… if I do,” Elijah said, bringing his thumb to his mouth, resorting to his normal, nervous habit of biting his nails.
“You’ve got time to figure it out,” Josh told him. He leaned back and, surprisingly, smiled a bit. “We’re not old men, buying Corvettes to cover our bald spots. Christ, you’re nineteen, I’m twenty-two. Spring chickens.”
“Josh?” Elijah started. He turned to face the young man, his lower lip starting to tremble.
“Yea?”
“I’ll miss you. So much.”
Josh’s jaw clenched; he went seemingly mute at Elijah’s words. He simply nodded, turned away and put his fingers to his eyes. He seemed to quiver a little; Elijah saw his knuckles going white, looking pained and strained. Unable to help himself from edging his way to Josh, Elijah closed the distance between them and put his arms around his waist. He breathed out, hard, in feeling Josh’s hand go to his back. “Do you hate me for what I did?” Elijah asked then. He saw Josh move his hand away from his face and turn to look at him.
“No… shut up,” Josh replied gruffly.
“Okay,” Elijah whispered. He almost made the request of one last time… just one, but he stopped himself before daring to voice it.
~*~
He’d been tempted to crack the bottle of vodka open, glug some down and make for home, but even in his worst mood, Elijah knew better. When he got home… oh, when he got home… he hoped Dom would still be around, and they could get wasted together. If Sean was there, he’d try to dissuade them from such an act.
“Fuck ‘im,” Elijah mumbled, almost laughing at his gall as he got out of the car. The depression prevented such. He got to the door and checked the knob--open, so someone was still here, thank God. “Dommie?” he called once inside. There wasn’t an answer; perhaps the Brit was taking a nap or on the back porch. Elijah made his way into the living room, and stopped dead.
It’d been a good thing that he’d picked a plastic bottle of vodka, seeing as how he’d dropped the thing onto the floor. He stared ahead with a trembling gaze, finding Christine sitting on an easy chair, looking back at Elijah with a blank stare.
“I asked them to leave. We need to talk.”