Seeking Guidance, chapter 3
Author: honey_mellon
Title: Seeking Guidance
Rating: R
Pairing: Ukitake Juushiro, Abarai Renji
Warnings: Nothing you wouldn't expect from an R-rated yaoi fiction
Summary: Juushiro watched the swirling tattoos come to life as the young man flexed his arms and snapped his whip-like zanpakutou forward. He saw the anger that saturated every thrust of those muscular arms and the strain in those narrow, tired brown eyes. Juushiro had a good idea where these hurtful feelings came from, and he wanted to help.
COMMUNITY DISCLAIMER: All characters depicted in sexual situations in this post/fanfiction/fanart (including material in the comments) are fictional and are intended to be and considered to be by the author of said material of the legal age of consent in the United States state of California, regardless of what age these characters may be in the material they are derived from.
Thanks again for the reads and reviews! :)
Like I mentioned in the previous chapter, I chose to take more time (and words) to build up their relationship in order to present a realistic environment for the story to blossom into the rated-M goodness that we all know will happen.
So do bear with me as I introduce the context for what will happen in chapter 4. ;)
Renji could not sleep that night. He stared at the ceiling, turned to his sides, but no matter what he did, Ukitake-taicho's words kept coming back. I thought that it was a burden that only I understood, and that I have to deal with it myself. But wasn't that what it was? It was no one's responsibility but his.
Eventually, his mind fizzled, the words became blurred, and his eyes grew heavy. But, like every night since the incident, he was tormented even in sleep.
Every time his eyes drifted closed, the sudden image of Rukia with her glassy, empty eyes staring at him would jolt him awake. Sometimes Kuchiki-taicho would appear in his dreams, too, looking down at him from his high perch, distaste clear in his eyes. Renji felt like mere dirt under the noble's feet.
Other nights, he would see himself lying on the ground, soaked in blood and on the verge of death. He hated that almost as much as he hated seeing Rukia's dead body-with those images came physical pain that felt so real that it was as though he was surrounded by the deadly petals ofSenbonzakura again.
And so he stayed awake and once again pondered over what happened during the day.
The last thing he expected was to be approached by Ukitake-taicho. He had to admit that he was impressed by the captain for noticing his...issues when people he saw everyday had not. He thought he'd gotten pretty good at hiding his feelings over the years-for over fifty years he had forced himself to look away when he brushed past Rukia in the hallways of Seireitei, to pretend that he didn't care that he had lost his one true friend. He wasn't afraid to speak his mind, not at all, but there were some things that he preferred to keep near to his heart, away from prying eyes.
And this was one of them. Was it so bad to be angry at himself? Was it wrong that he enjoyed the rush of adrenaline when he unleashed Zabimaru?
Although, he had to admit that Ukitake-taicho was right-after the rush always came a torrent of guilt and self-loathing.
By the time Renji succumbed to sleep out of sheer exhaustion, it was already close to dawn.
Juushiro lost count of the number of times he glanced at his front door that evening. He had again taken the lake-side path home, but saw no sign of the Sixth division lieutenant. He mentally kicked himself-it had been too soon to speak of such sensitive matters after all.
Yet, Juushiro remembered how the fire had receded in those eyes when he offered his help. He refilled his tea cup, and unconsciously flicked his gaze to the door again.
When the sky finally gave way to darkness, Juushiro sighed and stood up to make dinner. He shouldn't feel so surprised or disappointed, he supposed. Nobody liked strangers poking their noses into their private lives.
But just as he was about to step inside the kitchen, he felt a faint but familiar reiatsu. His lips curled up into a smile. So he had come after all.
Renji found himself sitting at the same low table again. While his host tinkered with pots and pans in the kitchen, he took the time alone to take a better look at the cozy little home.
For example, he now knew that some of the paintings were gifts from Ukitake-taicho's nieces and nephews, as there were childish scrawls of names at the corners of each painting. Renji couldn't help smiling as he pictured the white-haired captain being surrounded by laughing, chattering children. It was a role that suited the man.
Renji had taken the entire day to think about whether he should see Ukitake-taicho. Last night had been especially difficult-perhaps the conversation with the captain had made the feelings that he worked so hard to conceal creep a little closer to the surface.
When he woke up with a massive headache that morning, his first notion was that he would do anything to make this go away-the guilt, the nightmares, the anger. He'd do anything. And of course with that thought came Ukitake-taicho's offer.
Still, he had walked at painstakingly slow pace from the Sixth division to the captain's house, as though his body was unconsciously giving him a chance to change his mind. He was dismayed to find that it was completely dark by the time he arrived, and had turned to leave, but the captain had already sensed his presence.
And so he was invited in.
Food was soon laid out on the table, the fare not unlike the previous night. Once again he followed the captain's lead and ate slowly with almost unnatural politeness. And just like the night before, it was Juushiro who started the conversation.
"No doubt you've been wondering," Juushiro said, setting his chopsticks aside. "How exactly I can help you."
Renji nodded, his eyes brimming with curiosity.
Juushiro took a sip of tea and leaned forward slightly. "Let me see if I understand the situation correctly," he said, frowning in concentration. "You feel guilty and angry because you think you nearly got Rukia killed, and that you had gone against your captain, and as a result, you get visions and nightmares that depict what you believe could havehappened, and perhaps flashbacks of memories that are particularly unpleasant." He paused and looked at Renji. "How close am I?"
Renji wrinkled his nose and processed the captain's words. "That is a rather clinical way of describing it, but...I...I guess you can put it that way," he muttered after a moment of silence.
Juushiro smacked the table with his palm. "But I also think that it's a cycle," he said. When Renji raised his eyebrows inquiringly, he explained, "Those images, visions...nightmares, whatever you want to call it...I think that they reaffirm your negative emotions, making them worse over time."
"And then, because I feel guiltier, I get even more nightmares." Renji said wearily.
Juushiro nodded solemnly.
"Well then, I'm fucked," Renji blurted out in dismay. Then, suddenly remembering that he was in the presence of a captain, he clamped his hands over his mouth and stared at Juushiro in horror.
The silky white strands that were framing the captain's face swayed in time with the movements of his shoulders as he laughed. "I have heard more colorful words in my lifetime, Abarai-fukutaicho. Relax."
Renji gave a small sheepish smile, then groaned as he buried his face in his hands. "What am I supposed to do?" He jumped visibly as a cold hand suddenly rested gently on his forearm. He opened his eyes to find Juushiro looking at him kindly.
"You may think that this is a little strange, but there is a technique that I'd like to try," the captain said. "I have to tell you up front, though, I haven't done it on anyone else."
Renji blinked, feeling uncertain. "Okay. May I know what it is?"
Juushiro nodded. "In a perfect world, the solution would be to remove your negative emotions altogether. But, unfortunately, I have learned first-hand that it takes a very long time to heal from those type of mental scars," he said. "My hypothesis is that, if we can lessen those visions or nightmares-or ideally, stop it altogether-we should be able to increase the pace of the path to recovery."
Renji looked skeptical, but he remained silent.
"That's the first step we will take-mastering your nightmares," Juushiro continued. He paused and peered intently into the brown eyes across of him.
"And by mastering..." Renji prompted.
Juushiro said, "Confront them, and changing them."
Renji's eyes widened in surprise, then immediately narrowed. "But how am I supposed to change things that I have no control over?"
"Ah," Juushiro said with a smile, rubbing his palms together. "That's where I come in. We first need to put you in a state of semi-consciousness, where you have access to your subconscious but yet remain just conscious enough to have self-awareness."
"Woah," Renji muttered, shaking his head. "That is deep."
Juushiro held up a hand. "In simpler terms, it means that you need to be in a state where you can take control of those images. You need to be in a state where you are consciously aware that those are what they are-simply images of things that are not real. For example, when you see the image of Rukia being dead, you need to be conscious enough to know that it's not real, because you know that in reality, Rukia is alive and well."
Renji scratched his head and repeated the sentences in his mind, trying his best to understand what they meant. "So you're saying that there is a way for me to control the nightmares and those...visions."
"Yes." The head of white hair bobbed up and down as the captain nodded, satisfied that the lieutenant had grasped the core of the idea. "And my role is to help you to get into that state."
Overwhelmed by the strangeness of Juushiro's proposed treatment strategy, the redhead rubbed his face vigorously as though to make sure that he was not hearing things. "Just...wow," he said after a stretch of silence.
"Feel free to take some time to decide if you want to try it," Juushiro said gently. "Like I said, there is no pressure. I understand if you find it hard to believe."
Renji said hastily, "I believe you, Ukitake-taicho. I just need to wrap my head around the concept...and whether...whether it will work for me."
The captain nodded with a reassuring smile. "Think it over, and should you decide to do it, my door is always open."
Renji's mind was miles away as he trudged home. He didn't even look up when several junior officers in his division greeted him-he neither saw nor heard them. If it weren't for the fact that his room was the last unit in the hallway, he would've wandered past it.
Once the door was closed, he plopped himself down onto his bed and sat on the edge of the mattress. He stared blankly at the floor, his mind going over the conversation he had with Ukitake-taicho over dinner.
It was insane. Outrageous, in fact. He had to admit that if it hadn't been Ukitake-taicho who mentioned it to him, he would've dismissed it without further thought. But now, because it was suggested by the captain-if you couldn't trust one of the most senior captain in the Gotei 13, who else could you trust?-he found himself seriously considering the treatment.
Mentally exhausted, he fell onto his back in his bed, grunting when the air was knocked out of his lungs upon impact.
"What am I supposed to do?" he asked out loud.
It might sound geeky, but I read up on psychological treatments to cure nightmares in order to write this chapter. :p The method mentioned here, while a little more exaggerated than its usage in reality, is based on the real-life treatment known as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.
Let me know what you think! :)