A moment with my mind

[honestlyjustme]

I'm so tired... I want to just sleep until it's june, or august... maybe never get up. I don't know, I'm in a weird mood, the project runway thing has me feeling... I don't even know the word for it. Futile? Empty? One colossal disappointment? It makes me want to vomit, spill my guts on the table, then burn the fucking house down. But I'm not angry. Well, I am. I'm furious at Kristin and Jessica and Courtney and Cassie and all those tiny people. People who will never change, always remain small and cute, easy to design for, no worries about fit. No worries about anything. I just want to shove a turkey down their throats, drown them in fat and calories. They prance around, telling me I'm too hard on myself, when they never see themselves in the mirror. I try not to care, I try SO fucking hard because I know if I start worrying about it, I'll stop eating again. And then I'll start cutting. And then I'll die on the inside. Because I'm so superficial that I can't find any self-worth. I know I'm pretty, sometimes I look in the mirror and think I'm beautiful. But only to me, the one who actually knows my eyes are blue like a lake on a cloudy day, the only one who's around when my hair actually curls, or when my face is clear. Hell, I'm the only one around all the time. I don't want to look at anyone else. I don't want to know that I am pathetic because I can't love myself. I can be strong, yes, I can be that. I can go to school in baggy clothes with no makeup on and hair still wet from the shower and pretend I don't care. I can be strong enough not to scream at the girls in the hallway who get all the guys or who don't but are equally beautiful. I can be strong enough not to hate my best friends for making me feel disgusting and ugly. But I can't be stronger than that. I'm pathetic. I use you for your attention because I crave the feeling of being wanted -- being needed. If I don't have that, I'm nothing... And while this post has no point, other than me feeling like a glass figurine teetering on the edge of a high shelf, this post is a reminder to myself to remember. Remember that no one can be trusted, that no one can be loved, because they'll all leave you, they'll all betray you.. and no matter what you do, you'll never be enough.

Don't comment, in fact, I'm going to disable it because some of you, probably all of you, are going to think that this is me being dumb and I just need to snap out of it. It doesn't matter, because this isn't about you, this is about me. Me and me and me and me.

Just a reminder:

I hate me.