(no subject)
ok, I'm back! I don't know if I have any friends who read this journal, but I think I'm going to try writing in it some more.
What I'm doing right now is procrastinating from my paper that's due in less than 24 hours and I haven't even finished half of the book, but so it goes.
I'm still a screw up, I'm still letting romance and sex (each separately) interfere with my life. My body doesn't work properly most of the time, but I'm not totally in financial disaster. College...hmm. I don't know about my future.
I must leave this city. I've been here nearly my whole life and I just don't think I can mature properly here. Or maybe that's just me trying to blame something on the outside when I need to start looking within more.
And how can I look within when I'm trying to juggle 3 jobs plus school plus being sick all the time and anxiety and the drugs for relief and the alcohol making it better for only a little while, and the consequences totally outweighing the benefits the next morning. i think i've learned my lesson on that by now. why have i started to get really bad hangovers? I don't know..does it just come with age? Does it mean that a part in my body is going bad? I also have to pee way too often. Stop drinking all of the Mt Dew, sister, and then not only will you get more work done b/c you're not always going to the bathroom, you'll be able to fall asleep at night when you decided it's time to fucking quit at 4am after being in front of your computer for a half day, getting about 2 hours of work accomplished.
i need to call robert and set up a time to talk
i need to read joel's stories. He signed his name "endlessly yours" in his email today. I know he wrote it sorta tongue in cheek, but I still can't help but feel butterflies. That kid confuses me and surprises me so much. So often I feel like I bore and annoy him, but he was the one who liked me in the first place, and he wasn't just feeding me a line when we broke up and he said that it just wasn't right time, it wasn't that his feelings had changed. He was the one who cracked at our vow of current friendship with his long embrace, his lips and cheek brushing past.against my neck. i didn't let go. but he was the one who held on, held me close, and if there was a feeling rising within him, i could feel its outward expression pressed against me for several endless.fleeting moments. I was the one who pulled away, he said he still had a crush on me.
(crush. my worry that he didn't feel for me "that way" anymore was crushing.)
so why does he like me? I just don't understand it. Maybe I just can't read him right since I read him as being bored with me. Me: boring, annoying, flakey, indecisive, my life broken and scattered right now. Now. and the Future?
but then just when I feel I couldn't miss him anymore, my phone will ring or his tone of voice will transform, his eyes will look through me and gleam.
don't screw this up caroline. just try.
and for once, maybe try making it to the end of an emo journal entry with dry cheeks ok? I'm sure my emotional baggage has a promising half life and if I could just keep in it in the closet long enough to fool them into not knowing me too much too soon...
I'm can't keep my secrets my own as long as my tearducts keep betraying me.
What I'm doing right now is procrastinating from my paper that's due in less than 24 hours and I haven't even finished half of the book, but so it goes.
I'm still a screw up, I'm still letting romance and sex (each separately) interfere with my life. My body doesn't work properly most of the time, but I'm not totally in financial disaster. College...hmm. I don't know about my future.
I must leave this city. I've been here nearly my whole life and I just don't think I can mature properly here. Or maybe that's just me trying to blame something on the outside when I need to start looking within more.
And how can I look within when I'm trying to juggle 3 jobs plus school plus being sick all the time and anxiety and the drugs for relief and the alcohol making it better for only a little while, and the consequences totally outweighing the benefits the next morning. i think i've learned my lesson on that by now. why have i started to get really bad hangovers? I don't know..does it just come with age? Does it mean that a part in my body is going bad? I also have to pee way too often. Stop drinking all of the Mt Dew, sister, and then not only will you get more work done b/c you're not always going to the bathroom, you'll be able to fall asleep at night when you decided it's time to fucking quit at 4am after being in front of your computer for a half day, getting about 2 hours of work accomplished.
i need to call robert and set up a time to talk
i need to read joel's stories. He signed his name "endlessly yours" in his email today. I know he wrote it sorta tongue in cheek, but I still can't help but feel butterflies. That kid confuses me and surprises me so much. So often I feel like I bore and annoy him, but he was the one who liked me in the first place, and he wasn't just feeding me a line when we broke up and he said that it just wasn't right time, it wasn't that his feelings had changed. He was the one who cracked at our vow of current friendship with his long embrace, his lips and cheek brushing past.against my neck. i didn't let go. but he was the one who held on, held me close, and if there was a feeling rising within him, i could feel its outward expression pressed against me for several endless.fleeting moments. I was the one who pulled away, he said he still had a crush on me.
(crush. my worry that he didn't feel for me "that way" anymore was crushing.)
so why does he like me? I just don't understand it. Maybe I just can't read him right since I read him as being bored with me. Me: boring, annoying, flakey, indecisive, my life broken and scattered right now. Now. and the Future?
but then just when I feel I couldn't miss him anymore, my phone will ring or his tone of voice will transform, his eyes will look through me and gleam.
don't screw this up caroline. just try.
and for once, maybe try making it to the end of an emo journal entry with dry cheeks ok? I'm sure my emotional baggage has a promising half life and if I could just keep in it in the closet long enough to fool them into not knowing me too much too soon...
I'm can't keep my secrets my own as long as my tearducts keep betraying me.