Something I wrote...
I wrote this a while back when I was confronted with feelings I was having for someone else. I realized this weekend exactly how much truth was in it.
I can't spend time with you because you like me too much. I'm afraid I will lead you on by giving you my attention. I'm afraid you'll make too many assumptions if I kiss you. I'm afraid I'll start to like you back, and I'm not prepared to deal with that right now.
Instead, I will seek out those who will take me for granted. I will find someone who won't call and won't care so much about me; who won't work so hard to impress me and make me happy.
They will validate my suspicions that I'm not worth the effort, any effort, and that I can't connect to anyone in any real way. I will tell myself that I'm just having fun, so there's no risk of failure. Nothing can be over because it never began. If I give it all away, then it's nothing and it doesn't matter. I'm incompetent.
You, on the other hand, make me feel worthwhile. Important. You listen to me. You're thoughtful and attentive. You spoil me. You scare me. I can do nothing, but disappoint you.
So, I will give me time and affection to someone who is indifferent and neglectful. I will treat myself worse than I would treat my dog. Worse than I would treat a record. They will get it all only because they are less appreciative than you would be. Because they want it less than you do.
So, I'll call my fear "compassion" and slap you hard across the face to spare your heart!
I can't spend time with you because you like me too much. I'm afraid I will lead you on by giving you my attention. I'm afraid you'll make too many assumptions if I kiss you. I'm afraid I'll start to like you back, and I'm not prepared to deal with that right now.
Instead, I will seek out those who will take me for granted. I will find someone who won't call and won't care so much about me; who won't work so hard to impress me and make me happy.
They will validate my suspicions that I'm not worth the effort, any effort, and that I can't connect to anyone in any real way. I will tell myself that I'm just having fun, so there's no risk of failure. Nothing can be over because it never began. If I give it all away, then it's nothing and it doesn't matter. I'm incompetent.
You, on the other hand, make me feel worthwhile. Important. You listen to me. You're thoughtful and attentive. You spoil me. You scare me. I can do nothing, but disappoint you.
So, I will give me time and affection to someone who is indifferent and neglectful. I will treat myself worse than I would treat my dog. Worse than I would treat a record. They will get it all only because they are less appreciative than you would be. Because they want it less than you do.
So, I'll call my fear "compassion" and slap you hard across the face to spare your heart!