My letter to God------written 2/19/05. Read to God on 2/21/05
God.....
Hi...I hope tonight you are in good spirits and in good health.
I wrote to you this letter cause I knew when I walk in here, I will not have a word to say. I would just sit here for a while and then chicken out and walk off. I can't do that now----I have to talk to you.
As you know I been going through some things. At times I would weather the storm. Others times I would solve the problem without wasted time and move on. But it seems to me that this time I can't do it.
I have a problem God and the problem is growing more each day. I just can't solve it myself. I thought I can live with it-----maybe just accept what it is and live my life. I can't. I need help and soon.
For the last few months I changed. The way I think and feel. I am more drained now than ever before. I am tired with my life and the constant tests I have to perform to prove I am worthy to be here. To have a good life. That I am worthy of all that is happy. The way I see life it's not pretty. Not pretty at all.
I have been crying God. Crying is not me. Crying like I lost something and I can't find it. This is not the person I am. This is not who I fought so hard to become. I can't describe how I am feeling-------it's just a feeling of pity. I have pity for me and I hate that feeling. I have always put myself in a higher level------------cause I kick ass. I don't let life and the things in it----get to me. I was proud of that. Proud of me. But lately-------------in a corner in my room----I shed a tear or 2. It's the little girl inside me. I am scare.
LOL---SCARE there's another word that is not me.
I came to you cause frankly.............I don't believe in anything. I have no faith in no one. I feel sssssssssoooooooooo alone. It's a different type of alone. The type that you can't put into words. The type that runs deep into pores and you can smell it. I want a hug. I want someone to hold me and rock me to sleep. I want anybody and wipe my tears from my eyes and smile at me. I need something God.
So I came here-----------to you----cause.....I have nowhere else to go. I don't have anyone to turn to cause I won't let myself believe in anyone. My faith is lost and I want to get it back. I want something to believe in cause I am all alone in my mind and in my soul. I am dying inside and my worst fear will be that I never had the heart to forgive cause maybe forgiving will heal me. Will bring back my faith.
You are the only thing missing in my life right now and if I can't have faith in you-----------I will never have faith in anything.
I need your help. I am begging for your help.
I hope you listened tonight.....You have a nice night.
I folded the letter up and left it on the seat. Maybe someone will read it and pray for me.
I left the church and walked home. I don't remember the walk back home. I do remember that before I walked into my house I wiped the tears from my eyes. Can't let my brother see me like that. Can't let anyone see me like that...
Hi...I hope tonight you are in good spirits and in good health.
I wrote to you this letter cause I knew when I walk in here, I will not have a word to say. I would just sit here for a while and then chicken out and walk off. I can't do that now----I have to talk to you.
As you know I been going through some things. At times I would weather the storm. Others times I would solve the problem without wasted time and move on. But it seems to me that this time I can't do it.
I have a problem God and the problem is growing more each day. I just can't solve it myself. I thought I can live with it-----maybe just accept what it is and live my life. I can't. I need help and soon.
For the last few months I changed. The way I think and feel. I am more drained now than ever before. I am tired with my life and the constant tests I have to perform to prove I am worthy to be here. To have a good life. That I am worthy of all that is happy. The way I see life it's not pretty. Not pretty at all.
I have been crying God. Crying is not me. Crying like I lost something and I can't find it. This is not the person I am. This is not who I fought so hard to become. I can't describe how I am feeling-------it's just a feeling of pity. I have pity for me and I hate that feeling. I have always put myself in a higher level------------cause I kick ass. I don't let life and the things in it----get to me. I was proud of that. Proud of me. But lately-------------in a corner in my room----I shed a tear or 2. It's the little girl inside me. I am scare.
LOL---SCARE there's another word that is not me.
I came to you cause frankly.............I don't believe in anything. I have no faith in no one. I feel sssssssssoooooooooo alone. It's a different type of alone. The type that you can't put into words. The type that runs deep into pores and you can smell it. I want a hug. I want someone to hold me and rock me to sleep. I want anybody and wipe my tears from my eyes and smile at me. I need something God.
So I came here-----------to you----cause.....I have nowhere else to go. I don't have anyone to turn to cause I won't let myself believe in anyone. My faith is lost and I want to get it back. I want something to believe in cause I am all alone in my mind and in my soul. I am dying inside and my worst fear will be that I never had the heart to forgive cause maybe forgiving will heal me. Will bring back my faith.
You are the only thing missing in my life right now and if I can't have faith in you-----------I will never have faith in anything.
I need your help. I am begging for your help.
I hope you listened tonight.....You have a nice night.
I folded the letter up and left it on the seat. Maybe someone will read it and pray for me.
I left the church and walked home. I don't remember the walk back home. I do remember that before I walked into my house I wiped the tears from my eyes. Can't let my brother see me like that. Can't let anyone see me like that...