(no subject)
I feel like I've aged quite a bit since my last post, in more ways than one. A lot has been going on. My health continues to deteriorate. I'm constantly struggling with it on a daily basis. But as I go I begin to understand and learn more about what I have and how to cope. There is a downside. With new knowledge and a better understanding comes even more questions. I'm much more in tune with my body now. Which is also a bad thing. I'm trying to be a rational level headed individual but at the same time I just feel fucking nuts. I constantly doubt myself as far as pain level and symptoms go. I should have all the confidence in the world as far as medical problems go. I diagnosed myself with mono months before my doctor tested me. The same went for CFS and Fibromyalgia. Again, my doctor is confirming all my suspicions.
Onto other things... Chris and I are doing really well. I've left my fears and doubts behind and now we're getting closer than ever. I feel like as of right now he is the only one who truly knows what is going on in my head. Which is quite an accomplishment. Either that or he's just damn good at guessing. I feel he understands what I'm currently going through. Only 2 other people seem to know what's going on. That is Koda and Fen. Even my parents don't know what to think anymore. I have a tremendous amount of support online too, but that just isn't the same. Even though it means a lot to me. It means more to me to know that the people who are closest to me understand. I hope that made sense. If not I blame it on the pain killers.
So anyway, Chris and I are trying to find an apartment. Which was nearly impossible when my mom is taking way too much money from him. Note that I used the term WAS. This isn't a problem anymore because the household got into a huge fight and she told everyone to get out. That's exactly what I did. I'm currently living at my dad's apartment. Everything that I need is over here. My dad has no reason to harass both myself or my bf. I had to leave. The tension in the house was getting unbearable. It was simply time to move on. She was taking too much and giving too little.
Let's see, I was in a car accident on Saturday. It wasn't major. A truck had stopped suddenly for a person making a turn and the mustang behind him had to do the same thing. My dad was a little too late and we hit the mustang and sent him crashing into the back of the truck. Although I bumped my knees into the dash, no one was seriously hurt. Or so I thought. It turns out that I hurt my neck. I've been having trouble getting my muscles to relax and I've had constant headaches that won't go away despite anything that I've done to help. The day after the accident was the worst for muscle soreness and stiffness. I should have gone to the doctor but I thought it might just be my fibro making it worse than it actually was. Because ironically enough my neck and shoulders started to give me trouble a couple of days before the accident took place, which was in fact fibro related. I also had a migraine the day before it happened.
As the week progressed it got worse. Tuesday and Wednesday I just had to rest and lay on ice and heat. Constant tension headache that wasn't too bad. Nothing I took relieved the pain. Today has just been horrible though. Tension headache was a lot worse and heat and ice didn't help. Neither did pain relievers. I pretty much ignored the pain as best as I could and carried on. I even went to the pond and fed the ducks and played with the RC boat. That was a mistake. I had two major dizzy spells and my neck and right arm started to tingle. When I got back it got 10 times worse and I thought I would have to go to the hospital. Very frustrated since my dad STILL doesn't believe I'm hurt. Which is typical for him. I've been torn about going to the hospital or doctor all week. But haven't because I can't afford it and neither of my parents were willing to help. I felt stuck.
Tonight I had enough and got into another argument with my dad about it. I told him he didn't seem to care about my well being or else I would have already seen a doctor. He countered that he did and then went into how he understands pain. It was hard to restrain myself. What does he think I have to go through every single day of my life? And now I'm going around in even MORE pain than usual because he denies the possibility that I have whiplash from the car accident. That could potentially be very serious and cause me chronic pain for the rest of my life if not addressed properly. Which by the way things are going, seems likely. I'm not in a position to take chances where pain is concerned. I get enough of it with Fibromyalgia, which has altered my perception of pain a great deal.
By the end of the argument I reluctantly agreed to wait until tomorrow to see a doctor. He gave me one of his pain killers and I accepted it. Desperate for some relief. The pain is still there and my arm is still tingling like crazy. I don't even know if I'll be able to drive to my appointment tomorrow, which I shouldn't be doing anyway. Turning my head to look around is uncomfortable and makes it worse. My mom has agreed to pay for my visit, with $100. I don't have insurance and I don't know what to expect. If they want to take xrays or an MRI I'll just have to tell them that I can't afford it. It's really shitty. My bf is more than willing to pay, but he shouldn't have to and I'm not ready to let him take control of my medical bills. My parents created me, brought me into this world, and should still have an active role in my life. Especially since I'm disabled. I'm not going to put Chris in debt because of their unwillingness to help their own daughter. I'm sick of their attitude and extremely frustrated. I feel neglected by the 2 most important people in my life.
While all that has been taking place I've constantly been concerned with money issues, my future, my quality of life, what I can do to help myself, which lawyer to trust in and call, what sort of benefits do I qualify for, worrying if I'll be turned down, what will happen if they do, whether or not I'll be strong enough to stand up for myself in court, if I'll ever be able to work, if I'll be able to attend school, if I can even afford to, what my medical bills are going to be like when I'm older. Just all sorts of things that I shouldn't have to be dealing with at the age of 21.
Not only that but I suspect that I have skin cancer. Again, no one seems to be too concerned about it, beside me and Chris. I really hope that I'm wrong. But I still need to have it checked. I also can't afford to see anyone about it. I can't even see my fibro and fatigue doctor because of money issues. But at the same time she is the one who I need to work with to file for disability...
On top of that my neighbor has informed me that my mom is having suicidal thoughts. Which she told me about at the beginning of the year. When she told me that she didn't think she could live with the chronic pain I could really sympathize with her. It's so difficult to live with. It also made me wonder what my own pain will do to my mental health as the years progress.
All this stress and frustration is coming out in my dreams. I'm having vivid, highly emotional dreams. Even in my dream world I'm reminded of how trapped I am and the chaos that comes with it. My dreams of being chased are coming back. Dreaming of escaping from seemingly impossible scenarios. Constantly dreaming of tornadoes and dangerous storms. Of howling packs of wolves and other assortment of wild dogs. Foxes, jackals, African wild dogs. I know the wolf is one of my power animals, and the message it's trying to send to me is clear, at least to me.
Anyway, despite the massive amount of negative energy, I'm not letting it get to me. I'm learning from it and eventually I will overcome the obstacles in my way. I'm too strong to give up now. Sorry for ranting but I had to get this all out into written words.
Onto other things... Chris and I are doing really well. I've left my fears and doubts behind and now we're getting closer than ever. I feel like as of right now he is the only one who truly knows what is going on in my head. Which is quite an accomplishment. Either that or he's just damn good at guessing. I feel he understands what I'm currently going through. Only 2 other people seem to know what's going on. That is Koda and Fen. Even my parents don't know what to think anymore. I have a tremendous amount of support online too, but that just isn't the same. Even though it means a lot to me. It means more to me to know that the people who are closest to me understand. I hope that made sense. If not I blame it on the pain killers.
So anyway, Chris and I are trying to find an apartment. Which was nearly impossible when my mom is taking way too much money from him. Note that I used the term WAS. This isn't a problem anymore because the household got into a huge fight and she told everyone to get out. That's exactly what I did. I'm currently living at my dad's apartment. Everything that I need is over here. My dad has no reason to harass both myself or my bf. I had to leave. The tension in the house was getting unbearable. It was simply time to move on. She was taking too much and giving too little.
Let's see, I was in a car accident on Saturday. It wasn't major. A truck had stopped suddenly for a person making a turn and the mustang behind him had to do the same thing. My dad was a little too late and we hit the mustang and sent him crashing into the back of the truck. Although I bumped my knees into the dash, no one was seriously hurt. Or so I thought. It turns out that I hurt my neck. I've been having trouble getting my muscles to relax and I've had constant headaches that won't go away despite anything that I've done to help. The day after the accident was the worst for muscle soreness and stiffness. I should have gone to the doctor but I thought it might just be my fibro making it worse than it actually was. Because ironically enough my neck and shoulders started to give me trouble a couple of days before the accident took place, which was in fact fibro related. I also had a migraine the day before it happened.
As the week progressed it got worse. Tuesday and Wednesday I just had to rest and lay on ice and heat. Constant tension headache that wasn't too bad. Nothing I took relieved the pain. Today has just been horrible though. Tension headache was a lot worse and heat and ice didn't help. Neither did pain relievers. I pretty much ignored the pain as best as I could and carried on. I even went to the pond and fed the ducks and played with the RC boat. That was a mistake. I had two major dizzy spells and my neck and right arm started to tingle. When I got back it got 10 times worse and I thought I would have to go to the hospital. Very frustrated since my dad STILL doesn't believe I'm hurt. Which is typical for him. I've been torn about going to the hospital or doctor all week. But haven't because I can't afford it and neither of my parents were willing to help. I felt stuck.
Tonight I had enough and got into another argument with my dad about it. I told him he didn't seem to care about my well being or else I would have already seen a doctor. He countered that he did and then went into how he understands pain. It was hard to restrain myself. What does he think I have to go through every single day of my life? And now I'm going around in even MORE pain than usual because he denies the possibility that I have whiplash from the car accident. That could potentially be very serious and cause me chronic pain for the rest of my life if not addressed properly. Which by the way things are going, seems likely. I'm not in a position to take chances where pain is concerned. I get enough of it with Fibromyalgia, which has altered my perception of pain a great deal.
By the end of the argument I reluctantly agreed to wait until tomorrow to see a doctor. He gave me one of his pain killers and I accepted it. Desperate for some relief. The pain is still there and my arm is still tingling like crazy. I don't even know if I'll be able to drive to my appointment tomorrow, which I shouldn't be doing anyway. Turning my head to look around is uncomfortable and makes it worse. My mom has agreed to pay for my visit, with $100. I don't have insurance and I don't know what to expect. If they want to take xrays or an MRI I'll just have to tell them that I can't afford it. It's really shitty. My bf is more than willing to pay, but he shouldn't have to and I'm not ready to let him take control of my medical bills. My parents created me, brought me into this world, and should still have an active role in my life. Especially since I'm disabled. I'm not going to put Chris in debt because of their unwillingness to help their own daughter. I'm sick of their attitude and extremely frustrated. I feel neglected by the 2 most important people in my life.
While all that has been taking place I've constantly been concerned with money issues, my future, my quality of life, what I can do to help myself, which lawyer to trust in and call, what sort of benefits do I qualify for, worrying if I'll be turned down, what will happen if they do, whether or not I'll be strong enough to stand up for myself in court, if I'll ever be able to work, if I'll be able to attend school, if I can even afford to, what my medical bills are going to be like when I'm older. Just all sorts of things that I shouldn't have to be dealing with at the age of 21.
Not only that but I suspect that I have skin cancer. Again, no one seems to be too concerned about it, beside me and Chris. I really hope that I'm wrong. But I still need to have it checked. I also can't afford to see anyone about it. I can't even see my fibro and fatigue doctor because of money issues. But at the same time she is the one who I need to work with to file for disability...
On top of that my neighbor has informed me that my mom is having suicidal thoughts. Which she told me about at the beginning of the year. When she told me that she didn't think she could live with the chronic pain I could really sympathize with her. It's so difficult to live with. It also made me wonder what my own pain will do to my mental health as the years progress.
All this stress and frustration is coming out in my dreams. I'm having vivid, highly emotional dreams. Even in my dream world I'm reminded of how trapped I am and the chaos that comes with it. My dreams of being chased are coming back. Dreaming of escaping from seemingly impossible scenarios. Constantly dreaming of tornadoes and dangerous storms. Of howling packs of wolves and other assortment of wild dogs. Foxes, jackals, African wild dogs. I know the wolf is one of my power animals, and the message it's trying to send to me is clear, at least to me.
Anyway, despite the massive amount of negative energy, I'm not letting it get to me. I'm learning from it and eventually I will overcome the obstacles in my way. I'm too strong to give up now. Sorry for ranting but I had to get this all out into written words.