Dreamed I killed God....And woke up.
Last night I slept over at Kylie's house, although she had work today from eight to four. We talked for hours outside, justs about everything. I never knew I was capable of telling a person so much. While we were talking, it made me realize how fucked up the world and society is. I know talking is supposed to help your mood, that's why they have the-rapists, but it only made me want to end it all. Honestly, my problems may just be that of an angsty teenager, but I am an angsty teenager who dissects every thought and every word. I need answers. I can't stand not knowing. Anyway, we talked about relationships and government and the universe and all that jazz. Mostly we stuck to relationships. Speaking with Kylie about relationships made me realize I was ignoring the thoughts in my head. I have figured out that I will most likely not "date" anyone for a long while, maybe even years. I am confused, about everything. It's just....No one is looking for what I want. I want an actual relationship....The connection and all that stuff. I don't give a shit about fucking someone. I don't want to. There is no one I know that would respect that but would still be like my best friend. Currently I am not, well....Attracted, I guess you could say, to anyone. I mean, yea, kissing Amber did feel right and all....But I know it will never happen. Who would want to waste their time on me? Especially someone so beautiful and perfect....I just don't think any relationships with anyone would word, because either they are assholes and don't talk to you, they want sex, or both. Maybe I am unrealistic. But at least I'm honest, and I'm not just fucking around. I'm a virgin, yea, and I actually value that, oddly enough. You can call me whatever you want, because for once I can decode what I am thinking, and that is all I need at this moment. We talked about how Mark will say he "likes me a lot, and I make him happy," and then how he will hit on every girl with us except me, and I know that it isn't what I'm looking for, because he tells people he likes all these other people and shit, and if he's going to toy with my emotions then I'm not going to take that. Johnny said he liked me, he said I'm beautiful and he likes me personality, but then when Mark and I got into an arguement, Johnny chose Mark's side. Johnny has changed so much....And I miss how he used to be. I loved how he would walk to my house and then I'd shower while he watched the television or something like that, and I could just walk down in my towel and he may have acted a bit freaked out, but he still talked to me and we hung out every day. Yea, he says he's changing, and I guess you could say I am too. I am trying to find myself. I don't know who I am. I am only fourteen. But at least while I am in the process of "finding myself" I am not ditching all of the old people who cared about me. I will at least give them their time, and I enjoy being with them. He just....Well I feel like an old toy that he threw away. I know it sounds stupid, but it's true. Mark told me yesterday that he and Johnny would hang out with us an hour after school. They never called. Never said a word. I am going to stop calling either of them, because seriously, if they can't waste a minute of their time on me to call and say they're not going to come, then I don't need to waste a minute of my time on them. The hard thing is that I still actually give a shit when something is wrong, and I still want to check in and make sure they're okay. I can no longer call Johnny "Johnald," because that is who he used to be. Now he has morphed into someone I don't know, and I may not have known him before, but I wanted to. I still do deep down, but I know either he doesn't want me to or my instincts are telling me I don't want to know the new him. Also last night I was able to talk with Inna and Jenny for a bit. I feel badly that I said things about them before I really knew them. Inna and I are also more alike than I thought, and we have the same views on many things. I hope I can get to know her better, and I also hope I can be more accepting and not judge anyone until I know them, though I know that it practically impossible. But recently I don't what's impossible or possible anymore, nothing makes sense. I don't know what to believe or what is just a psychotic dream from my legally insane mind....