Core Dump
I haven't written in weeks because I couldn't. Too much was happening too frequently. And today I am feeling like it really doesn't matter anyway, that one way or the other it's really over this time. I just cannot understand how I can experience so much pain and still be breathing. How anyone can be expected to make it through this much trauma and still have the faith to reach out and ask anyone to share this shit. I Love my friends. I do not want them to have to touch this....it would be like asking the President of a country to clean out the pit toilet. I don't want to, how can I ask anyone else to do it.
But I'm still breathing. I can attribute some of the physical pain to the pre-diabetes. Blood sugar was just a bit over normal, but the fried shrimp is gone now and the temptation is gone. Hell, I have no appetite...I'll probably be having low carb shakes for lunch until it comes back.
I am SO sick of this fucking estate. It turns out that the truth is that we have no lawyer, and we are almost out of time as we flail in the dark. I feel more incompetent than I ever have and so damn alone. The estate is technically in the hole and I guess I'm freaking. I'm glad of the gift of learning without experiencing myself, and it is still hard. How do you hire a lawyer with no money?
My Mom and Dad's 50th wedding anniversary was this last weekend. We drove to Asheville to meet for lunch with my parents and brother and sister. We had a nice lunch and everyone actually behaved. It was nice.
The trip took the wind out of my sails on top of everything. Damn it GOD! Why can't I seem to ever come back from the fucking surgery????????? And If I'm blaming the surgery when it's really my fault, then I'm sorry. There has never been anyone to take my hand and get me back to speed...it feels like a perpetual spiral into the darkness of my mind and body. I have asked a bunch of different people. I can't seem to find out how to break free of the death grip on my system. It is like my world stopped on that day and no matter how hard I try there is just no point.
I have very little desire to cook, wake up, clean, help in any way, and yet I'm supposed to be getting ready to possibly go to court on this estate(which we have been trying to prevent), getting my life back on some kind of meaningful track to at least help me think that I have value, change my eating AGAIN, check my blood sugar and I'm sure that there is something else. Oh yeah, either walk or get some exercise of some kind when all I want to do is just sleep.
I know that I'm a drain on my sweetie. I haven't even been able to tell him about the latest shit with the estate because he was drained from the stress of the trip to Asheville.
So I suppose the good news is that I am apathetic. I am just having a hard time caring. I'm so fed up with it all that I just don't want to do anything. So I'll go thaw dinner and eat it. Whoop.
But I'm still breathing. I can attribute some of the physical pain to the pre-diabetes. Blood sugar was just a bit over normal, but the fried shrimp is gone now and the temptation is gone. Hell, I have no appetite...I'll probably be having low carb shakes for lunch until it comes back.
I am SO sick of this fucking estate. It turns out that the truth is that we have no lawyer, and we are almost out of time as we flail in the dark. I feel more incompetent than I ever have and so damn alone. The estate is technically in the hole and I guess I'm freaking. I'm glad of the gift of learning without experiencing myself, and it is still hard. How do you hire a lawyer with no money?
My Mom and Dad's 50th wedding anniversary was this last weekend. We drove to Asheville to meet for lunch with my parents and brother and sister. We had a nice lunch and everyone actually behaved. It was nice.
The trip took the wind out of my sails on top of everything. Damn it GOD! Why can't I seem to ever come back from the fucking surgery????????? And If I'm blaming the surgery when it's really my fault, then I'm sorry. There has never been anyone to take my hand and get me back to speed...it feels like a perpetual spiral into the darkness of my mind and body. I have asked a bunch of different people. I can't seem to find out how to break free of the death grip on my system. It is like my world stopped on that day and no matter how hard I try there is just no point.
I have very little desire to cook, wake up, clean, help in any way, and yet I'm supposed to be getting ready to possibly go to court on this estate(which we have been trying to prevent), getting my life back on some kind of meaningful track to at least help me think that I have value, change my eating AGAIN, check my blood sugar and I'm sure that there is something else. Oh yeah, either walk or get some exercise of some kind when all I want to do is just sleep.
I know that I'm a drain on my sweetie. I haven't even been able to tell him about the latest shit with the estate because he was drained from the stress of the trip to Asheville.
So I suppose the good news is that I am apathetic. I am just having a hard time caring. I'm so fed up with it all that I just don't want to do anything. So I'll go thaw dinner and eat it. Whoop.