Crying till you accept your mistakes

[homelessj0ker]

I don't know how it happened, but at the end of an hour long conversation with Mikey, i ended up crying and shouting at him how i hated him. How i hated him, how i wished i never dated him, how i wish i never had sex with him and how i wish i never met him. i wanted to delete him from my phone and never speak to him again. ... but then that ego in me questioned my intuition. My ego didn't want me to just end up as another dumb ex-girlfriend, i wanted to rise above and be a friend. To stay a friend with someone that i shared something deep with. At one point in time, i loved Mikey. I still care for him and when i stop crying i still truely do wish the best for him and his family. ... but i'm starting to think that i am better than this. Am starting to think that i am capable of being wrong. I am starting to think that maybe i could make mistakes in my past and that i might have to live with the fact that i made a mistake and that i would have to regret something i did. it makes me sick .... but also, at the same time, it relives me. Not forget, but cut away from. To learn a lesson but then move onto a different lesson. I want to think that Mikey still means something to me, still could be a friend. ... but then i look at the friends he has left behind. Frank, Josh, JT. Perhaps I just have to get over him. It's embrassing to admit i made a mistake, especially dealing ith the subject of sex and love.
I'm kinda sad because Efrem hasn't called me back yet. But he is all involved right now. I'm really just feeling majorly cut off from everyone. There is no one i can go to an just cry to and tell everything to. I wish there was, i miss Jessica and Tamy and Celina but all three of them have there own lives, and it almost seems that have moved past me. I'm the one staying stuck in a rut.
i need a change.
i need u