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[homeissomewhere]

Went to the dermatologist today finally. Turns out I have an outbreak of a stress-induced skin condition that is genetic and will never go away. Lovely. Thank you college process for inducing my red, scaly rash

Comments

[homeissomewhere]

Look, we were spending time with It because he was our sweet Vegas connection. Mandy continues to use him as a free hotel room, and this you know. He is nothing else to either one of us. I seem to get criticized for cryptic internet comments quite often, only because I assume people will catch my drift. So if I must be blunt, "certain" people who are pathetic and have been rejected but won't let an old thing lie continue to bother poor girls in Bullhead City. That's what I find quite humorous.

What It did to me was be the vile disgusting human being he is. I couldn't tell you all of it, it was a string of things that led to me to ultimately hate him. Maybe I'll tell you if I ever see you in person, but none of them were funny.

I don't know what you were so desperately trying to reach her for, but if my ex kept calling and dictating what I was not supposed to be doing, I wouldn't like it either. I know it may be hard to accept peoples' decisions sometimes, but it was her choice how she was spending her time, and maybe the reason she distanced herself was because she didn't want to hear you lecturing her about her choice of activities. Believe me, people I know make very bad decisions that can be heartbreaking and if there was anything I could do to change them, I would. But none of them are going to listen or see either of our perspectives, Mandy included.

Your logic doesn't exactly follow suit, because you acted insultingly far before she made the decision not to introduce you to me. It was both our decisions actually, and for me it was based solely on the fact that there were many people to meet, and none of them greeted me with unfriendliness except for you. I was looking forward to meeting Jeffrey, and he immediately gave me the impression that I was "in his way". That's why I found it so bizarre that you were upset that you didn't see me.

Don't take the fact that she didn't introduce us as an insult. She didn't introduce Gina and I either, and they are supposedly friends. As I said, our week was packed and it was difficult to manage everything we did in that span of time. That was possibly the most insane week I have ever had for several reasons, and I had a lot of things occupying my mind. We actually made very little concious effort to ignore you, and it was only really based on the impression that my presence was annoying to you.

[homeissomewhere]

Again, I did not feel insulted because I didn't meet you. It was more about vague bullshit between her and I that was examplified in the act of not introducing me, and I was much more concerned with those underlying reasons as opposed to the actual fact. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.

The cryptic comment I made was simply referring to the fact that, with a reply a day (or two if I am lucky), the responses back and forth between the two of us need to be clear, because I hate only partially knowing something and waiting. I wasn't making a jab at you.

That out of the way, I'm sorry if I gave the impression that what Brendan did was funny in any way. I didn't mean to imply that it's humourous to hurt you. I would like to know what he did though, aside from (I assume) using you slightly while still pining after his dearly beloved. I know their history better than anyone else should. I still want to know what he did to you.

I know she was probably irritated with my 'presumption' that I might still have the right or position to suggest what she should or should not do, but I was looking out for her interests. Brendan is charismatic and permissive, and I know she's done a few things in the past that she wouldn't have done had it not been for him, and a couple of those things I'm sure she even regrets on some level. Not that I can't say the same for my bad example, but the difference is that Brendan is selfish and in all of those situations was only looking to take advantage of her. That is his huge, glaring character flaw: while he'd maintain that he loves her dearly, he only ever looks to take advantage of her for his own gain. Needless to say, I don't trust him at all, and I'm a little on edge when someone I care about so much is in a position like that. I trust her to make good decisions, but I can't not be concerned. It's not a matter of "her ex not knowing when to butt out" and, while I hope you don't take offense to this, it's not something I'd expect anyone aside from her or me to understand.

As for the last to paragraphs, all I can say is that I don't make a good first impression, that I put on the front of a cynical and sarcastic asshole, and that I'm complex enough of a person that sometimes when I say one thing, I really mean the other. She knows all of that, and that's where the problem stems from I guess.

I'd also add that I was distressed about her visiting Brendan, and I also had a high fever due to illness. So, I wasn't in the best state of mind to put on my best Sunday face.

Did you make-out with Edward too?

[spifficus_rex]

That was me by the way...

[homeissomewhere]

You make me laugh sometimes. I'm not offended by anything; I figured you would be. I'm glad you aren't angry at me.

You don't need to apologize for anything. If anyone needs to, it's me. My messages, while always well-intentioned (well, usually), appear so bitchy and and expressionless when they are written. In fact, this was a huge part of the problem between It and I. But I certainly don't take the blame for any of that, so don't worry. I don't mean anything by it but to help. I offer advice far too freely, much to the chagrin of others.

Her deciding to visit It was not based on the fact that she was interested in spending time with him, and you need to understand that. Mandy can also be quite self-serving. He means nothing to her (save possibly a free hotel room and a disturbing presence), and she was using him for both of our advantages.

Aren't all people who take advantage of others existing for thier own benefits? I understood the way he was once I flew back to Florida and there was nothing in it for him anymore; he was required to give up a tiny bit of selflessness in order to please me, which he wasn't willing to do. When I stayed with him, he gave me the impression of a giving, generous person, because he was recieving what was, in his mind, a piece of ass. I could no longer bring him that which he desired over long distances, so his true character quickly became apparent to me.

I'm young, inexperienced, and naive, even for my age. This is the reason that I chose to throw myself at what was presented to me, to accept any affection I was shown. Being miserable also plays a large part in this, and I allowed my judgement to be clouded in favor of feeling briefly normal. But every experience brings knowlege, and this was no exception. So I don't exactly regret it.

And by the same reasoning, I also chose to make out with Eddie.

[homeissomewhere]

I know, he presents opportunities for her, and I know that she has no interest in pursuing anything with him. I just wish she'd spare herself the trouble and tell him off, which she's never been able to sufficiently do to anybody but me, sadly. I know her flaws like my own.

I take it that you resent Brendan because he didn't want anything to do with you after you left? Was he just cold to you, or did he say anything to you? I guarantee you that what you saw was his true nature. Brendan is one of the worst people I've ever met.

I will say that I understand your behaviour while visiting here. You're probably shy, thus the inexperience. Being in a new place, where nobody knows who you are, especially with people you'd never see again, I assume it was liberating. You're probably more like Amanda than you realize.

The catch is that you can't let yourself be led by your passions. When you have no external constraints, your control must come from your own strength of will.

[homeissomewhere]

I've told her the same thing; I don't understand the way she deals with this, as if he is a lingering obligation. It would not only be justified to tell him off, it would be the moral thing to do.

I don't regret the decisions I made, nor do I think that I showed little restraint. I am a very consious, aware person, and he put up a solid facade of a senstive, giving individual. If I had seen him clearly, I would have never let him in. Don't get the impression that I have no strength of will, because I have more than most people. Most people would have given up having experienced the things I have, but I keep going. Shy isn't exactly what I would call it, it goes deeper than that. I'm no doe-eyed, vulnerable ignorant creature, especially now. I'm typically prone to cynicism, but being around her changes everything.

I can't go any further in depth with this or the Brendan thing on Livejournal (why the hell are we doing this anyway?) because I don't want it to be on display to the public.

AIM? Email?

[homeissomewhere]

AIM: spiffyprophet

Give me an add and send me a message. I may be afk but I'll send one back when I get to my dorm.

[homeissomewhere]

Si. My AIM is the same as my email.