(no subject)
LJ used to show the last 25 posts by friends on my friends page, but now it only shows anywhere from 3 (today) to 10 or so. Anyone know what's changed?
I wake up every day, before noon, and usually by early afternoon there's a moment where I think, "I am so Fucked." With a capital F. Why am I so fucked? What the hell happened?
A month ago I said that I needed to get on it. Which I have, a bit. I've sent out a couple more applications, maybe around 5. Not sure what's going on with scheduling an interview to teach in Japan. Still hoping to end up in environmental science or education. So here's the thing. I need to start working, SOON. Right now I have this 7 month gap in employment and many of the graduating seniors of Oh-Leven have jobs already. This is mainly why I'm already fucked. Not to mention that I'm getting seriously restless and want to do something. I feel like I am wasting myself, kind of. I'm a year behind on life. This was never supposed to happen. I am supposed to get started on my career right out of college. Except that, people in the know say, most people switch jobs and industries quite a bit in the first decade out of college and usually end up in something quite different for a career. So in that sense I should be thinking that it doesn't matter what I do now, as long as I do SOMETHING, because you gotta work right? If for nothing else than the money. Oh and so people will hire you. Isn't it strange or unfair that the unemployed tend to get brushed off even if they're qualified?
Which brings me to, I need a job but I'm having a hard time with jobs I actually like. I feel like I need to SELL OUT and do something dumb to make money. Something I don't really care about but am qualified for. But saying that's selling out seems kinda strange. Like I said, people say that first jobs don't really even matter, but I feel like I gotta stick to my values and morals in finding a job. Is that the right approach? I don't know. It just dawned on me that this kind of feels like how I approached choosing a major. I tried to find the perfect match, never found it, and stuck with the miserable choice that was the easiest non-decision to make. There's no non-decision here though, I have to make a decision one way or the other as to what jobs to apply for.
A related topic is, what am I actually going into? I said I'm hoping for environmental science/ed, but I majored in physics and I feel a lot of pressure to, well, do a PhD. Firstly from my dad. But also from basically all my old teachers, or at least some of them. One of the librarians from high school keeps saying he's always thought of me as a researcher (adding "no pressure"). Yeah, I know what he means. I think we all kind of assumed that about me. Also that I would be an astrophysicist. Let's get real though. ... And my 3rd grade teacher told me I need to do grad school, it would be a waste of my mind otherwise (only minor paraphrasing). I know, I shouldn't have these expectations really influence my decision, but honestly who can ignore that kind of pressure? I should just do what I want, what makes me happy right? The thing about that is, then what does college mean? What did the education mean for my career? What role does college play in this? Yes, right now my aspirations are an extension of my extracurriculars, SPOT and The Daily, but what if I decide (before I get a job... it could happen) I want to try something else entirely?
Do I keep looking for a job that I'll actually be invested and interested in, or do I "sell out" and find a company that'll hire me but that I don't really care for because otherwise my dad will keep putting me down around other people and future people will also put me down and won't hire me?
I wake up every day, before noon, and usually by early afternoon there's a moment where I think, "I am so Fucked." With a capital F. Why am I so fucked? What the hell happened?
A month ago I said that I needed to get on it. Which I have, a bit. I've sent out a couple more applications, maybe around 5. Not sure what's going on with scheduling an interview to teach in Japan. Still hoping to end up in environmental science or education. So here's the thing. I need to start working, SOON. Right now I have this 7 month gap in employment and many of the graduating seniors of Oh-Leven have jobs already. This is mainly why I'm already fucked. Not to mention that I'm getting seriously restless and want to do something. I feel like I am wasting myself, kind of. I'm a year behind on life. This was never supposed to happen. I am supposed to get started on my career right out of college. Except that, people in the know say, most people switch jobs and industries quite a bit in the first decade out of college and usually end up in something quite different for a career. So in that sense I should be thinking that it doesn't matter what I do now, as long as I do SOMETHING, because you gotta work right? If for nothing else than the money. Oh and so people will hire you. Isn't it strange or unfair that the unemployed tend to get brushed off even if they're qualified?
Which brings me to, I need a job but I'm having a hard time with jobs I actually like. I feel like I need to SELL OUT and do something dumb to make money. Something I don't really care about but am qualified for. But saying that's selling out seems kinda strange. Like I said, people say that first jobs don't really even matter, but I feel like I gotta stick to my values and morals in finding a job. Is that the right approach? I don't know. It just dawned on me that this kind of feels like how I approached choosing a major. I tried to find the perfect match, never found it, and stuck with the miserable choice that was the easiest non-decision to make. There's no non-decision here though, I have to make a decision one way or the other as to what jobs to apply for.
A related topic is, what am I actually going into? I said I'm hoping for environmental science/ed, but I majored in physics and I feel a lot of pressure to, well, do a PhD. Firstly from my dad. But also from basically all my old teachers, or at least some of them. One of the librarians from high school keeps saying he's always thought of me as a researcher (adding "no pressure"). Yeah, I know what he means. I think we all kind of assumed that about me. Also that I would be an astrophysicist. Let's get real though. ... And my 3rd grade teacher told me I need to do grad school, it would be a waste of my mind otherwise (only minor paraphrasing). I know, I shouldn't have these expectations really influence my decision, but honestly who can ignore that kind of pressure? I should just do what I want, what makes me happy right? The thing about that is, then what does college mean? What did the education mean for my career? What role does college play in this? Yes, right now my aspirations are an extension of my extracurriculars, SPOT and The Daily, but what if I decide (before I get a job... it could happen) I want to try something else entirely?
Do I keep looking for a job that I'll actually be invested and interested in, or do I "sell out" and find a company that'll hire me but that I don't really care for because otherwise my dad will keep putting me down around other people and future people will also put me down and won't hire me?