Blah.
Yeah, been a while again.
Things have been...going. I hate having pity-party posts, but I feel like I should say something about why I've been pretty much not around on lj, and it's not because I now tweet like a madwoman.
Basically, I seem to be in the middle of the most bizarre, atypical depession I've ever been in. Normally, I can tell straight off when I'm depressed; it's very obvious (to me) and I know the signs. I definitely recognized the depression near the tail-end of winter, and maybe because that was so strong and obvious, I didn't notice this one.
I'm...tired. All the time. I just assumed it was insomnia, since we all know I'm a terrible insomniac. I was an insomniac before the Asshole, and it only got worse after, so I'm used to having truly fucked up sleeping habits, and just assumed my lethargy was a result of that; that coming home to an increasingly messy appartment (and not giving a damn - or rather, not dregding up enough care to clean) and crawling in bed with my laptop and not moving and then spending my weekends in bed, not bothering to get out of bed for food, was just because I was running on a massive sleep deficit. And that my not wanting to interact with people or answer mails was just because I was tired and didn't have the energy to deal with people and put on the "I'm totes OK!" happy face, when I wasn't.
I think I kind of fooled myself into thinking I had handled the mess of the last half-year better than I had. I have no idea, really, why I just assumed I'd handle being diagnosed with, y'know, a rare disease wouldn't have SOME impact on me, especially when I'd read all the literature on it I could find, and pretty much all of it said people with EDS needed some kind of psychological counseling because you can't be in pain this often - and often grow up being told you're just faking or trying to get attention (hey, family calling me a "drama queen" my whole life, and no one believing I was in pain as a kid until someone saw me limping when there was no one around for me to be "showing off for.")
There has not been a single month, since last Novemeber, where I have not had to see a doctor (last month I thought I'd managed it, then had something go horribly wrong with the nerve in my hip.)
I'd noticed all my nervous habits had started coming back, and my vocal tics, but I hadn't for the life of me been able to figure out where they were coming from or why, since I felt - I thought - fine. But, yeah, I'm bad with sussing out my own emotions until they slap me in the face.
I am so tired.
I'm thinking about quitting my acappella group. I mentioned it to D, and he wound up telling one of the other main people in the group, and that partially led to them deciding to not have any rehearsals last month. I won't lie; I was glad to have that pressure gone and my Thursdays free. D e-mailed me yesterday to ask what I was going to do (and invite me again to a fireworks festival in Osaka this Saturday), but I just don't feel anything but apathetic.
All I've felt is bland apathy and occasional flashes of aversion to everything the last...I don't even know how long. The only things that have made me seriously happy for even a bit have been the fact that it's finally warm, when I feel the sun on my skin. In general, though, everything has been a colorless blah, which isn't the kind of depression I'm used to (it's usually a lot more dramatic, to put it mildly).
I know what's wrong, I know it's temporary, I know it's just me needing to drag myself back onto an even keel, but it stil really sucks.
Things have been...going. I hate having pity-party posts, but I feel like I should say something about why I've been pretty much not around on lj, and it's not because I now tweet like a madwoman.
Basically, I seem to be in the middle of the most bizarre, atypical depession I've ever been in. Normally, I can tell straight off when I'm depressed; it's very obvious (to me) and I know the signs. I definitely recognized the depression near the tail-end of winter, and maybe because that was so strong and obvious, I didn't notice this one.
I'm...tired. All the time. I just assumed it was insomnia, since we all know I'm a terrible insomniac. I was an insomniac before the Asshole, and it only got worse after, so I'm used to having truly fucked up sleeping habits, and just assumed my lethargy was a result of that; that coming home to an increasingly messy appartment (and not giving a damn - or rather, not dregding up enough care to clean) and crawling in bed with my laptop and not moving and then spending my weekends in bed, not bothering to get out of bed for food, was just because I was running on a massive sleep deficit. And that my not wanting to interact with people or answer mails was just because I was tired and didn't have the energy to deal with people and put on the "I'm totes OK!" happy face, when I wasn't.
I think I kind of fooled myself into thinking I had handled the mess of the last half-year better than I had. I have no idea, really, why I just assumed I'd handle being diagnosed with, y'know, a rare disease wouldn't have SOME impact on me, especially when I'd read all the literature on it I could find, and pretty much all of it said people with EDS needed some kind of psychological counseling because you can't be in pain this often - and often grow up being told you're just faking or trying to get attention (hey, family calling me a "drama queen" my whole life, and no one believing I was in pain as a kid until someone saw me limping when there was no one around for me to be "showing off for.")
There has not been a single month, since last Novemeber, where I have not had to see a doctor (last month I thought I'd managed it, then had something go horribly wrong with the nerve in my hip.)
I'd noticed all my nervous habits had started coming back, and my vocal tics, but I hadn't for the life of me been able to figure out where they were coming from or why, since I felt - I thought - fine. But, yeah, I'm bad with sussing out my own emotions until they slap me in the face.
I am so tired.
I'm thinking about quitting my acappella group. I mentioned it to D, and he wound up telling one of the other main people in the group, and that partially led to them deciding to not have any rehearsals last month. I won't lie; I was glad to have that pressure gone and my Thursdays free. D e-mailed me yesterday to ask what I was going to do (and invite me again to a fireworks festival in Osaka this Saturday), but I just don't feel anything but apathetic.
All I've felt is bland apathy and occasional flashes of aversion to everything the last...I don't even know how long. The only things that have made me seriously happy for even a bit have been the fact that it's finally warm, when I feel the sun on my skin. In general, though, everything has been a colorless blah, which isn't the kind of depression I'm used to (it's usually a lot more dramatic, to put it mildly).
I know what's wrong, I know it's temporary, I know it's just me needing to drag myself back onto an even keel, but it stil really sucks.