Always fat
Earlier today, I ran across this:
http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/03/shaming-the-obese/37539/
Since last June, I've lost something like 50 pounds. I work out five times per week; I do yoga, a lot. I'm pretty sure I'm in the best shape of my life. There is a longer post I want to write about all of that. It's been a strange year, health-wise.
What the blogpost reminded me of is that I have this recurring nightmare that despite all of this, one day I'll go in to see a doctor who hasn't read my history, and they'll start in on me about my weight anyway, even though I'm now at the top end of normal BMI for my height. See, I've had bad experiences with doctors about my weight. They've had this tendency to ascribe absolutely anything and everything to needing to lose weight, and at least once, it's caused them to miss something that was actually wrong - it turns out that my back pain wasn't the result of being heavy, but the result of a serious congenital deformity. And they didn't believe me enough to even bother with an x-ray until I lost weight. So, I cringed when I read of a study that lent evidence to my impression that doctors were taking my concerns less seriously simply because I was overweight. The dehumanization can be subtle, but it's very real, and I've experienced it. It's not about doctors saying "you should lose weight" - that's part of their job - but about them turning your size in the most salient thing about you, and making all kinds of implicit assumptions about your character based on it.
But now that I'm not really overweight anymore - something I'm still afraid to say out loud, for fear that I'll jinx it somehow - I still have a complex left over from fighting an uphill battle against being treated like an object of disgust. Try second-guessing yourself to death, wondering whether nothing is wrong, or your doctor is giving you the blow-off because, subconsciously, they find your body gross. That's what I've dealt with my whole adult life. Thus my nightmare, I think: I have this terror that no matter how hard I've worked, and no matter how my body actually looks right now, all I'll ever be, to doctors, myself, or anyone else, is fat.
Edit: From the comments section, something that really struck home with me:
I had a moment of shock last month, when I realized how deeply the anti-fat messages run, when I had a sinus infection.
My husband was pressuring me to go to the doctor about it. (I literally couldn't go for the first two weeks I was sick, because of Snowmageddon DC.) Eventually I burst out with, "They'll just tell me it's my own fault, for being fat, and send me home." Because that's my experience with doctors. Everything I've ever gone for, no matter what the cause or symptoms or my family history: "Lose weight."
I lost 50 pounds over two years -- I'd now consider myself 10-20 heavier than I'd like to be, but in the "acceptably fat" range of society -- and the problems didn't get better. Fancy that. But I did go to the doctor, got told I had all the classic symptoms of a sinus infection, and had 10 days' worth of amoxicillin. So at least I'm learning. ;)
In general Ta-Nehisi's comments section is good, by blogospheric standards. Read as much of it as you dare.
http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/03/shaming-the-obese/37539/
Since last June, I've lost something like 50 pounds. I work out five times per week; I do yoga, a lot. I'm pretty sure I'm in the best shape of my life. There is a longer post I want to write about all of that. It's been a strange year, health-wise.
What the blogpost reminded me of is that I have this recurring nightmare that despite all of this, one day I'll go in to see a doctor who hasn't read my history, and they'll start in on me about my weight anyway, even though I'm now at the top end of normal BMI for my height. See, I've had bad experiences with doctors about my weight. They've had this tendency to ascribe absolutely anything and everything to needing to lose weight, and at least once, it's caused them to miss something that was actually wrong - it turns out that my back pain wasn't the result of being heavy, but the result of a serious congenital deformity. And they didn't believe me enough to even bother with an x-ray until I lost weight. So, I cringed when I read of a study that lent evidence to my impression that doctors were taking my concerns less seriously simply because I was overweight. The dehumanization can be subtle, but it's very real, and I've experienced it. It's not about doctors saying "you should lose weight" - that's part of their job - but about them turning your size in the most salient thing about you, and making all kinds of implicit assumptions about your character based on it.
But now that I'm not really overweight anymore - something I'm still afraid to say out loud, for fear that I'll jinx it somehow - I still have a complex left over from fighting an uphill battle against being treated like an object of disgust. Try second-guessing yourself to death, wondering whether nothing is wrong, or your doctor is giving you the blow-off because, subconsciously, they find your body gross. That's what I've dealt with my whole adult life. Thus my nightmare, I think: I have this terror that no matter how hard I've worked, and no matter how my body actually looks right now, all I'll ever be, to doctors, myself, or anyone else, is fat.
Edit: From the comments section, something that really struck home with me:
I had a moment of shock last month, when I realized how deeply the anti-fat messages run, when I had a sinus infection.
My husband was pressuring me to go to the doctor about it. (I literally couldn't go for the first two weeks I was sick, because of Snowmageddon DC.) Eventually I burst out with, "They'll just tell me it's my own fault, for being fat, and send me home." Because that's my experience with doctors. Everything I've ever gone for, no matter what the cause or symptoms or my family history: "Lose weight."
I lost 50 pounds over two years -- I'd now consider myself 10-20 heavier than I'd like to be, but in the "acceptably fat" range of society -- and the problems didn't get better. Fancy that. But I did go to the doctor, got told I had all the classic symptoms of a sinus infection, and had 10 days' worth of amoxicillin. So at least I'm learning. ;)
In general Ta-Nehisi's comments section is good, by blogospheric standards. Read as much of it as you dare.