If you liked holyoffice, you'll love it with added paper cuts!
Friends, Roman Catholics, countrymen:
It's been a while since I rapped at ya, as Jim Anchower used to say, and for that I apologize. But I haven't been idle in my offscreen time. In fact, that's why I've returned to holyoffice HQ to make an exciting announcement.
Using the latest in cutting edge 15th century technology, I've devised a way that you can enjoy all the humorousness, sentence fragments, and muddled theology of this blog wherever you go: on the beach, in the bath, hunched over a tepid pot of ramen noodles in an anarchist squat.
That's right: The Holyoffice experience will soon be available in book form!
To celebrate this momentous occasion, and to answer the many questions that are no doubt percolating through your minds, I have characteristically prepared an FAQ.
Q: Have standards in this country really fallen so low that even you are able to publish a book?
A: Apparently!
Q: This is some kind of weird, self-published, print-on-demand thing, right? Like those monographs by people claiming to be recovered victims of Henry Kissinger's mind-control sex assassin program?
A: No! This is a book written by me and published by a major university press.
Q: The University of Phoenix has a press?
A: It's not the University of Phoenix! It's Baylor University Press, and it's going to be released on January 15, 2008.
Q: What is the title of this book?
A: "The Messiah Formerly Known as Jesus: Dispatches From the Intersection of Christianity and Pop Culture."
Q: Did you come up with that?
A: No. My suggestion was: "Jesus 2.0: Upload Some iGod Onto Your iPod."
Q: So at least there's some quality control in place at Baylor.
A: They listened respectfully to my ideas, but yes.
Q: Can you summarize this book?
A: It's about a boy wizard, who, after the death of his parents, attends a magical boarding school where he becomes cognizant of his extraordinary supernatural powers and abilities. After many wonderful and thrilling adventures, he eventually opens a chain of dry cleaners.
Q: No, I meant summarize your book.
A: Oh! Sorry. My book is a collection of meditations on the strange ways in which Christianity and popular culture interact and inform each other in the United States. My argument is that the ways in which Christianity is interpreted through pop culture ultimately influence Christian theology itself.
Q: It sounds terribly dry and academic, and the fact that it's on a university press makes me nervous that I will learn something against my will. What does this book have to offer me, a common moron?
A: You'll feel right at home in the pages of this book, because it's written from the perspective of a common moron. In fact, the book's treatment of its subject is meant to be humorous and light-hearted. Imagine Dave Barry trying to explain Christianity.
Q: Can you compare it to anything you've previously written?
A: At some point back in 2006, I wrote (on this site) a humorous "cheat sheet" to Christianity prompted by widespread confusion over the meaning of labels like "evangelical" and "fundamentalist" and "hurry-up offense." This "cheat sheet" proved to be easily the most popular thing I ever wrote on Livejournal, and established the Lightly Satirical Humor Piece as this journal's new default, replacing the less successful Ill-Tempered Rant.
Q: So, if I enjoyed your humorous posts on The Da Vinci Code, the number 666, and other such frivolous diversions, will I enjoy this book?
A: You will enjoy it heartily. Just as in those posts, the narrator of the book bills himself as the Internet Theologian, who believes one needs nothing more than a cursory glance at a Wikipedia entry to hold forth authoritatively on such arcane subjects as double predestination and the Second Council of Nicaea.
Q: Are you saying that the narrator of the book is a pompous moron blissfully unaware of his own ignorance, but confident of his non-existent expertise?
A: Yes.
Q: This is not much of a departure for you, then, is it?
A: If your goal was to make me cry, then mission accomplished.
Q: What topics does this book tackle?
A: There are chapters dealing with Christian music, Christian sports, blockbuster best-sellers of the last days, a field guide to the major Jesuses of North America, and handy instructions for publishing your own Bible translation. There is also a reprise of the cheat sheet piece, among many other attractions. Additionally, the book is crammed with important and scholarly footnotes, some of which refer to professional wrestlers.
Q: What's this "field guide to the major Jesuses"? Also, is that really the plural of "Jesus"?
A: My argument is that Americans interpret Jesus through the lens of personal experience and social circumstance, leading to a plethora of "Jesuses," each one corresponding to the needs of a particular group. This argument is developed through sophomoric japery and jokes about Christian skateboarding DVDs. As to your second question, I think it's either "Jesuses" or "Jesii." But the former looks better on a T-shirt.
Q: You mentioned footnotes. Is there any danger I might actually learn real facts from your book?
A: There is a slim but real chance of that. Amidst the humorous posturing, the dispensationalism jokes, and the footnotes citing wrestlers, I have salted a number of True Facts, including actual quotations from such Christianity All-Stars as Martin Luther and Origen.
Q: Religion is a touchy subject for many people. Are you worried about offending anyone with this book?
A: To quote "Stone Cold" Steve Austin: "Here I stand, I can do no other." My only fear is in showing the slightest hint of reluctance at writing the truth.
Q: Honestly?
A: No, of course not. I am terrified of offending people. I am from New England; giving offense is the greatest sin we can imagine. The loftiest eulogy that can be spoken over the body of a dead New Englander is "he never made a scene." But I acknowledge the possibility that there are some people who cannot view religion through the lens of humor-friendly good-naturedness.
Q: How have you prepared for the inevitability of offended people tracking you down and slapping you senseless?
A: This book was written by a devout Catholic who actually goes to Mass on holy days of obligation, fasts during Advent, and has an icon of St. Gregory of Nyssa in his bedroom. It's being published by Baylor, the largest Baptist university in the world. It's not exactly Christopher Hitchens teaming up with Prometheus Books.
Q: So atheists are going to be the ones slapping you silly.
A: It is my sincere hope that nobody slaps me over this book. It's gentle, good-natured fun that includes traditional Christians, progressive Christians, atheists, and believers from a wide variety of religious backgrounds.
Q: Even Zoroastrians?
A: Especially Zoroastrians.
Q: But it slights someone. It has to; you are far too mean-spirited a writer not to slight anyone over the course of 54,000 words.
A: You're right. First of all, it slights me - there's a lot of me in the persona of the Internet Theologian, the glib, clueless narrator of the book. Second of all, it slights the speed-is-the-highest-virtue culture of public discourse in the Internet era, in which actual discussion is often muted by the din of loud and ignorant voices. In a way, that's the heart of the book's argument: that popular culture affects Christianity as much as Christianity affects popular culture. And one of the dominant forms of popular culture today is the Internet.
Q: So, the book is both explicitly about the influence of popular culture on Christianity and implicitly a satirical example of that kind of influence?
A: Yeah! It's like I'm Jacques Derrida, all deconstructing my own argument and such.
Q: Let's not go nuts, Jacques. Say, speaking of offending people, don't you work for a large media company that has stringent guidelines advising its employees to do nothing that would even appear to compromise their objectivity?
A: Yes. I'm not sure I like where this is going.
Q: In fact, doesn't your employer have strict rules about political contributions, membership in various organizations, and even personal blogs - all designed to protect the company's integrity, which is arguably its most precious asset?
A: That would be yes.
Q: So how do they feel about you writing a book that runs the risk of insulting a third of the earth's population?
A: They seem okay with it.
Q: Really?
A: Look, I may need to live in your house after I lose my job.
Q: What have prominent people been saying about your book?
A: Mark Pinsky, the religion writer for the Orlando Sentinel and the author of "The Gospel According to The Simpsons," said my book is "witty and insightful."
Q: Did he owe you a favor or something?
A: No! As far as I know, that testimonial - which will be on the book jacket - was wholly unprovoked by favors.
Q: What about bribes?
A: My attorney has advised me to here invoke my right against self-incrimination under the Fifth Amendment.
Q: How did this come about, anyway? Did you win some sort of reality show contest? For example, a show called "Which One Of These Idiots Can Write a Book?"
A: When I published the original "cheat sheet" article in this space, it was noticed by the good people at The Christian Century, a magazine published out of Chicago. They reprinted it in the summer of 2006. This in turn was noticed by the good people at Baylor University Press, who asked me if I had ever considered writing a book. I said of course, and told them about my dream of writing a blockbuster expose of the Paas Company's vicelike grip on the egg-coloring industry. They gently suggested I do something more like a book-length version of that funny LiveJournal post.
Q: What can you tell me about Baylor University Press?
A: This is from their Web site: "Established in 1897, Baylor University Press publishes thirty new titles each year. . . the Press strives to serve the academic community by producing works of excellent quality that integrate faith and understanding."
Q: And yet they still chose to publish a book by you. Fascinating.
A: Well, the editors there are very good.
Q: Can you name any famous alumni of Baylor University?
A: "Samurai" Mike Singletary, Hall of Fame linebacker for the Chicago Bears. He played on the legendary 1985 team, which won Super Bowl XX 46-10 over the hapless New England Patriots. Many people still consider that the greatest defense in football history.
Q: Anyone else?
A: Former Texas Gov. Pat Neff.
Q: Let's ask the question that's on everyone's mind: At any point in the process of writing this book, did you contact the band a-ha or their legal representatives?
A: Yes. I sought permission to quote the first verse and chorus of their 1985 hit "Take On Me" in my book.
Q: How did that go?
A: The first verse and chorus of "Take On Me" are nowhere to be found in the finished manuscript of the book.
Q: Did you take that pretty hard?
A: There is now a used copy of "Hunting High and Low" for sale at Turn It Up Records in Northampton, Mass. that's stained with the tears of a former fan.
Q: What goes into the writing of a book?
A: Hard work. Intense bursts of creativity tempered by a recognition that there's always more work to be done. Frustration. Joy. Blood. Tears. Toil.
Q: Okay, but I wasn't asking about your editor. What did you do?
A: I looked at the Internet and made stuff up.
Q: You've sold me. I want in on this craziness. How can I purchase this book, as well as additional copies for friends, loved ones, co-workers, and cellmates?
A: You've got to wait until January to read it, but you can even now pre-order it from Amazon. I will also be blogging on Amazon's site through some arrangement they have for authors, but under my real name.
Q: Which is?
A: Rhonda Fleming.
It's been a while since I rapped at ya, as Jim Anchower used to say, and for that I apologize. But I haven't been idle in my offscreen time. In fact, that's why I've returned to holyoffice HQ to make an exciting announcement.
Using the latest in cutting edge 15th century technology, I've devised a way that you can enjoy all the humorousness, sentence fragments, and muddled theology of this blog wherever you go: on the beach, in the bath, hunched over a tepid pot of ramen noodles in an anarchist squat.
That's right: The Holyoffice experience will soon be available in book form!
To celebrate this momentous occasion, and to answer the many questions that are no doubt percolating through your minds, I have characteristically prepared an FAQ.
Q: Have standards in this country really fallen so low that even you are able to publish a book?
A: Apparently!
Q: This is some kind of weird, self-published, print-on-demand thing, right? Like those monographs by people claiming to be recovered victims of Henry Kissinger's mind-control sex assassin program?
A: No! This is a book written by me and published by a major university press.
Q: The University of Phoenix has a press?
A: It's not the University of Phoenix! It's Baylor University Press, and it's going to be released on January 15, 2008.
Q: What is the title of this book?
A: "The Messiah Formerly Known as Jesus: Dispatches From the Intersection of Christianity and Pop Culture."
Q: Did you come up with that?
A: No. My suggestion was: "Jesus 2.0: Upload Some iGod Onto Your iPod."
Q: So at least there's some quality control in place at Baylor.
A: They listened respectfully to my ideas, but yes.
Q: Can you summarize this book?
A: It's about a boy wizard, who, after the death of his parents, attends a magical boarding school where he becomes cognizant of his extraordinary supernatural powers and abilities. After many wonderful and thrilling adventures, he eventually opens a chain of dry cleaners.
Q: No, I meant summarize your book.
A: Oh! Sorry. My book is a collection of meditations on the strange ways in which Christianity and popular culture interact and inform each other in the United States. My argument is that the ways in which Christianity is interpreted through pop culture ultimately influence Christian theology itself.
Q: It sounds terribly dry and academic, and the fact that it's on a university press makes me nervous that I will learn something against my will. What does this book have to offer me, a common moron?
A: You'll feel right at home in the pages of this book, because it's written from the perspective of a common moron. In fact, the book's treatment of its subject is meant to be humorous and light-hearted. Imagine Dave Barry trying to explain Christianity.
Q: Can you compare it to anything you've previously written?
A: At some point back in 2006, I wrote (on this site) a humorous "cheat sheet" to Christianity prompted by widespread confusion over the meaning of labels like "evangelical" and "fundamentalist" and "hurry-up offense." This "cheat sheet" proved to be easily the most popular thing I ever wrote on Livejournal, and established the Lightly Satirical Humor Piece as this journal's new default, replacing the less successful Ill-Tempered Rant.
Q: So, if I enjoyed your humorous posts on The Da Vinci Code, the number 666, and other such frivolous diversions, will I enjoy this book?
A: You will enjoy it heartily. Just as in those posts, the narrator of the book bills himself as the Internet Theologian, who believes one needs nothing more than a cursory glance at a Wikipedia entry to hold forth authoritatively on such arcane subjects as double predestination and the Second Council of Nicaea.
Q: Are you saying that the narrator of the book is a pompous moron blissfully unaware of his own ignorance, but confident of his non-existent expertise?
A: Yes.
Q: This is not much of a departure for you, then, is it?
A: If your goal was to make me cry, then mission accomplished.
Q: What topics does this book tackle?
A: There are chapters dealing with Christian music, Christian sports, blockbuster best-sellers of the last days, a field guide to the major Jesuses of North America, and handy instructions for publishing your own Bible translation. There is also a reprise of the cheat sheet piece, among many other attractions. Additionally, the book is crammed with important and scholarly footnotes, some of which refer to professional wrestlers.
Q: What's this "field guide to the major Jesuses"? Also, is that really the plural of "Jesus"?
A: My argument is that Americans interpret Jesus through the lens of personal experience and social circumstance, leading to a plethora of "Jesuses," each one corresponding to the needs of a particular group. This argument is developed through sophomoric japery and jokes about Christian skateboarding DVDs. As to your second question, I think it's either "Jesuses" or "Jesii." But the former looks better on a T-shirt.
Q: You mentioned footnotes. Is there any danger I might actually learn real facts from your book?
A: There is a slim but real chance of that. Amidst the humorous posturing, the dispensationalism jokes, and the footnotes citing wrestlers, I have salted a number of True Facts, including actual quotations from such Christianity All-Stars as Martin Luther and Origen.
Q: Religion is a touchy subject for many people. Are you worried about offending anyone with this book?
A: To quote "Stone Cold" Steve Austin: "Here I stand, I can do no other." My only fear is in showing the slightest hint of reluctance at writing the truth.
Q: Honestly?
A: No, of course not. I am terrified of offending people. I am from New England; giving offense is the greatest sin we can imagine. The loftiest eulogy that can be spoken over the body of a dead New Englander is "he never made a scene." But I acknowledge the possibility that there are some people who cannot view religion through the lens of humor-friendly good-naturedness.
Q: How have you prepared for the inevitability of offended people tracking you down and slapping you senseless?
A: This book was written by a devout Catholic who actually goes to Mass on holy days of obligation, fasts during Advent, and has an icon of St. Gregory of Nyssa in his bedroom. It's being published by Baylor, the largest Baptist university in the world. It's not exactly Christopher Hitchens teaming up with Prometheus Books.
Q: So atheists are going to be the ones slapping you silly.
A: It is my sincere hope that nobody slaps me over this book. It's gentle, good-natured fun that includes traditional Christians, progressive Christians, atheists, and believers from a wide variety of religious backgrounds.
Q: Even Zoroastrians?
A: Especially Zoroastrians.
Q: But it slights someone. It has to; you are far too mean-spirited a writer not to slight anyone over the course of 54,000 words.
A: You're right. First of all, it slights me - there's a lot of me in the persona of the Internet Theologian, the glib, clueless narrator of the book. Second of all, it slights the speed-is-the-highest-virtue culture of public discourse in the Internet era, in which actual discussion is often muted by the din of loud and ignorant voices. In a way, that's the heart of the book's argument: that popular culture affects Christianity as much as Christianity affects popular culture. And one of the dominant forms of popular culture today is the Internet.
Q: So, the book is both explicitly about the influence of popular culture on Christianity and implicitly a satirical example of that kind of influence?
A: Yeah! It's like I'm Jacques Derrida, all deconstructing my own argument and such.
Q: Let's not go nuts, Jacques. Say, speaking of offending people, don't you work for a large media company that has stringent guidelines advising its employees to do nothing that would even appear to compromise their objectivity?
A: Yes. I'm not sure I like where this is going.
Q: In fact, doesn't your employer have strict rules about political contributions, membership in various organizations, and even personal blogs - all designed to protect the company's integrity, which is arguably its most precious asset?
A: That would be yes.
Q: So how do they feel about you writing a book that runs the risk of insulting a third of the earth's population?
A: They seem okay with it.
Q: Really?
A: Look, I may need to live in your house after I lose my job.
Q: What have prominent people been saying about your book?
A: Mark Pinsky, the religion writer for the Orlando Sentinel and the author of "The Gospel According to The Simpsons," said my book is "witty and insightful."
Q: Did he owe you a favor or something?
A: No! As far as I know, that testimonial - which will be on the book jacket - was wholly unprovoked by favors.
Q: What about bribes?
A: My attorney has advised me to here invoke my right against self-incrimination under the Fifth Amendment.
Q: How did this come about, anyway? Did you win some sort of reality show contest? For example, a show called "Which One Of These Idiots Can Write a Book?"
A: When I published the original "cheat sheet" article in this space, it was noticed by the good people at The Christian Century, a magazine published out of Chicago. They reprinted it in the summer of 2006. This in turn was noticed by the good people at Baylor University Press, who asked me if I had ever considered writing a book. I said of course, and told them about my dream of writing a blockbuster expose of the Paas Company's vicelike grip on the egg-coloring industry. They gently suggested I do something more like a book-length version of that funny LiveJournal post.
Q: What can you tell me about Baylor University Press?
A: This is from their Web site: "Established in 1897, Baylor University Press publishes thirty new titles each year. . . the Press strives to serve the academic community by producing works of excellent quality that integrate faith and understanding."
Q: And yet they still chose to publish a book by you. Fascinating.
A: Well, the editors there are very good.
Q: Can you name any famous alumni of Baylor University?
A: "Samurai" Mike Singletary, Hall of Fame linebacker for the Chicago Bears. He played on the legendary 1985 team, which won Super Bowl XX 46-10 over the hapless New England Patriots. Many people still consider that the greatest defense in football history.
Q: Anyone else?
A: Former Texas Gov. Pat Neff.
Q: Let's ask the question that's on everyone's mind: At any point in the process of writing this book, did you contact the band a-ha or their legal representatives?
A: Yes. I sought permission to quote the first verse and chorus of their 1985 hit "Take On Me" in my book.
Q: How did that go?
A: The first verse and chorus of "Take On Me" are nowhere to be found in the finished manuscript of the book.
Q: Did you take that pretty hard?
A: There is now a used copy of "Hunting High and Low" for sale at Turn It Up Records in Northampton, Mass. that's stained with the tears of a former fan.
Q: What goes into the writing of a book?
A: Hard work. Intense bursts of creativity tempered by a recognition that there's always more work to be done. Frustration. Joy. Blood. Tears. Toil.
Q: Okay, but I wasn't asking about your editor. What did you do?
A: I looked at the Internet and made stuff up.
Q: You've sold me. I want in on this craziness. How can I purchase this book, as well as additional copies for friends, loved ones, co-workers, and cellmates?
A: You've got to wait until January to read it, but you can even now pre-order it from Amazon. I will also be blogging on Amazon's site through some arrangement they have for authors, but under my real name.
Q: Which is?
A: Rhonda Fleming.