My promotable retardisms!
These are all of my six 'a'clock dangan! times.
I happen to be living in Karlstad with my parents again. This isn't a bad thing however as I only have to pay eighty dollars a month to drive back and forth to TR for my Job; however eventually I will have to get an appartment there anways. Not a bad thing I guess. Let's see here. I have been writing poetry for, well there really isn't any other reason but out of boredom. Karlstad will do that to you. Actually now that I think of it any town/city/metropolis that you grow up in will sort of have the same effect on you after a while. I do also believe rich people become bored with their lives; however they do it with class.
On another note Kyle has been a main topic of discussion here on the journal. Poor guy. He needs a woman, or atleast something to keep him occupied. Kyle hows about weightlifting. It works for me, and just look at the benefits.
(cue cheesy info-mercial music)
Gary (because theres always somebody names gary on info-mercials)
Bruce (Gary and bruce hmmm I wonder where thats going?)
Sheila (She's always there)
Bruce(Happily): So gary how long have you been lifting weights.
Gary(sadly): I haven't ever Ted.
Bruce(confused): The names Bruce, Gary.
Gary(shocked): What? Where am I?
Bruce (Happily again): Your in my basement shooting this info-mercial on the newest way to get in shape!
Gary (mortified): What? How? What time is it?
Bruce: Those aren't the right questions to be asking Gary. You should probably ask what year it is, or even what state your in. Ha ha ha. Now as I was saying about the newes...
Gary (shocked and mortified at the same time): WHAT?! WHAT YEAR IS IT! WHAT STATE AM I IN?!
Bruce (calmly smiling): Why your in cold ole Minnesota silly puss, and the year is 2004.
Sheila (enters the basement with a huge smile planted on her face: Thats right Bruce!
Bruce: Now as I was saying about the newest was to get fit and be a hit is the plan of the Millennium. Ah ha ha ha.
Sheila: That's right Bruce!
Gary (confusedly scarred): Well what do you need me for?
Bruce: We're getting to that Gary. If the audience, and cameraman Ah Ha Ha, could look over to my right you will see a weight machine built not for any man but for the Greatest of MEN!!
Sheila: Thats right Bruce!
(The camera flows to the right to reveal a busted up old weight machine.)
Gary: Thats just an old pile of crap weight machine.
Sheila: Thats right Bruce!
Both Gary, and Bruce look at Sheila(who is still smiling like an idiot) with complete confusion.
Bruce: Well thats because a man so great and powerful lifted for years on it and he is with us today. Let me introduce the newest leader among men, the wave that will lay down low anyone who stands in his way, Mr. Emperor, Pharoh Jeremiah, Cayne Francis "Hitler" Knight the first. (cue cheesy canned applaus).
Jeremiah: "Hello all of my faithful out in the t.v. screen. With my new product it will definitely make all of you three times as strong, and CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES INTO THE BLOODY DIRT!"
Gary: "Wow, hold on a second here. What the hell is your product anyway? I dont see it."
Jeremiah: "And who are you son? Have you come to test out my first model for free, BECAUSE I HATE FREE LOADERS AHHHHHHH!"
Gary (scared beyond belief): No, sir. I'm not really sure why I am here or even how I got here. I was sitting at home in Nebraska with my wife and children and I remember was the gun shot and the screaming, and then...
Jeremiah: DOES THIS MAN EVER SHUT UP! DO YOU NEED ME TO SHUT YOU UP AHHHHHHHH?!
Gary (screaming in shock) NO, SIR! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!
Jeremiah: YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AHHHHHHHHH!
Sheila: Thats right Bruce!
Jeremiah: YOU SHUT THE HELL UP WOMAN AHHHHHHH!
Gary (crying): OH PLEASE LORD SAVE ME FROM THIS!
Jeremiah: I WILL CRUSH YOUR SKULL WITH YOUR OWN KNEE AHHHHHHH!
Sheila: Thats right Bruce!
Jeremiah: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP! AHHHHHHHHH!
Bruce (speaking to Hitler.. I mean Jeremiah): Emperor please control your very manly, and attractive emotions. (Speaking to the Camera) Now you may not know this audience but our product will work for at least a given three to four minutes before deactivation.
Gary (crying): Deactivation?
Bruce and Sheila: Thats right Gary! Ah haha!
Gary (screaming): WHAT THE HELL IS THE PRODUCT!
Jeremiah: It's you, you scrumptious piece of steak!
Gary (crying/scarred/and curious): What are you talking about. Your all insane. Your going to eat me aren't you.
Bruce: Eventually yes, but not until you go into battle to make us rich. You see your a fighting machine trained by the Emperor himself. He even sowed you up and replaced most of your body with his on living tissue making you, well, him.
Jeremiah: And now you are the greatest weapon the earth has ever seen.
Gary: But Hitler already tried to make a master race.
Jeremiah: Did Hitler ever put small atomic war heads into the master races stomach? Ah ha ha!
Gary (Shocked): YOU VICIOUS BASTARDS! I HAD A NICE LIFE AND I HAVE TO END IT FOR YOU NO WAY!
Bruce: Sorry Gary, but if you dont do what we tell you to do well then you will die. We also put a packet of anthrax right in your heart.
Gary: So i'm dead either way. I HATE YOU ALL. But I like your style. Ship me off because I want to die killing others.
Jeremiah: You could be just like Gary. So ORDER NOW!!! AHHHH!!
(Cue cheesy music and phone number)(cue announcers voice that sounds strangely like Charleston Heston)
Announcer: The pack includes: Self butchering Butcher knife
Packet of Anthrax
Surgical Staff
Miniature Atomic Warhead
Case full of Jeremiah's Flesh
All of Hitlers Books
And a death wish.
Do you see now kyle. Life can be fun, or post-apocolyptic with weightlifting.
Good luck and Godbless.
Sincerely Jeremiah Knight
Before I get started I want to remind you all that this is just dumb. As a part German I am making/poking fun at Nazi's... If you didn't know this I can do that. Though I might be killed. Well anyway enjoy if you are courageous enough to read it, wimps! This might also be very offensive to some, and I am giving you pre-warning.
The Substitute Nazi:
The scene opens in an american class room where all of the students are playing around. This stops immediatly as a tall, stern, blonde haired, German(dressed in a dark trench coat that seemed to echo his piercing blue eyes) slams the door as he enters the room.
The Substitute(He walks over to the board and chalks down his name):
"My name is Mr. KLEINER MANN KLITT IM PINK and if we were in Germany I would HAVE YOU ALL HANGED!!!(The entire class looks confused and horrified). Now for roll call and I swear to you if one of you is here and does not answer when they're name is called I will personally track you down and MAKE YOU ADMIT WHO YOU REALLY ARE IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE THAT IS BURNING!!! Now... (sits down heavily on his chair behind the dest and looks deeply at the attendance board)... Ah heres one. BREANNA ANDERSON!!!
A black woman at the back of the class spoke quite shakily the word," Here."
The Substitute starred at the black woman for a complete minute before moving on. "WHERE IS A ONE HERR. BRIAN STEWART!!!"
A young Frenchman at the front of the class raised his hand quite womanly into the air.
The Substitute starred confusedly at the French boy for another full minute before moving on. The Substitute continued through the names, starring at the people he didn't like, until he came to one name that actually interested him.
The substitute:
OH! What is this? Where is HERR. VICTOR VON SCHMIDT?!?!?(After he roared this name his blue eyes darted over the classroom).
A young man near Breanna stood up. He also had blonde hair, and blue eyes almost exactly like the substitutes'. Before Victor could say anything the Substitute interrupted him.
The Substitute(Smiling greatly):
Ah very good then. YOU GET AN A+ FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR!!!(At this moment a young boy at the very front of the class whispered loudly "That's not fair!")
The Substitute stood up faster then lightning could strike the ground and threw his fist into the desk. Then the Substitute grabbed hard onto the attendance list and walked in front of the child that whispered.
The Substitute(Screaming with rage):
WHAT IS YOUR NAME BOY!?!!! QUICKLY NOW BEFORE I BECOME ANGRY!!!!
The boy in the front row answered almost in tears: "Isaac Goldman."
The substitute stared at the boy with utter hatred, then broke out into laughter so loud that it shook the floor.
The Substitute:
HA WELL YOU, (under his breath) and your people, SHOULD START THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX HERR. GOLDMAN! THUS YOU SHALL GET AN F- FOR THE REST OF THE SCHOOL YEAR. YOU MAY LEAVE... GET OUT!!!
Isaac Goldman ran out of the room crying. Two minutes later the principle, Misses Goldman, came in the room holding Isaac by the collar trying to calm him down.
The principle(very sternly):
"What is going on in here Mr. Kliemmer what ever it is? This boy told me that your gave him and F- for the rest of the year and another boy, a one Mr. Victor Schmidt, an A+ for the rest of the year for no apparent reason at all. Now correct me if I'm wrong (The substitute, glaring at her the second she came in the door, grinning slightly) but that sounds like favoritism to me, and I am quite sure that F-'s do not exist!"
The Substitute (getting out of his chair again):
What is it with your people misses Goldman and your BELLIGERANT THINKING OF FAVORITISM WITH GERMAN PEOPLE!!! Und, Miss Goldman, I am afraid F-'s do exist for Dumb Esel's that don't THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX!!!(The substitute crossed over to the children started to ask them questions) YOU, ANDERSON, WHAT IS THREE PLUS FLOOR!!!?!"
The girl was confused by the question because after all this was "Advanced Algebra"! She said," Uh, Seven?"
The Substitute:
WRONG!! THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX!!! GOD YOU AMERICANS NEED TO REWIRE YOU BRAINS AND BECOME SMARTER THEN POLISH COWS!!!(The class gasped and the principle almost fell over with shock)
The Principle:
"NOW JUST WAIT A MINUTE HERE! IF SEVEN ISN'T THE RIGHT ANSWER THEN JUST WHAT EXACTLY ON EARTH IS?
The Substitute(angered beyond belief):
"ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY THOUSAND!!! NOW YOU, STEWART, WHAT IS SEVENTEEN PLUS EIGHT!?!?!?!
Brian Stewart thought hard then, very defiantly, said," What the hell does this have to do with Advanced Algebra?"
The Substitute:
"ANSWER MY DAMN QUESTION YOU FRENCH TWIG, OR I WILL BRAKE YOU LIKE ONE AND FOR THE LOVE OF THE GREAT GERMAN GOD THINK OUTSIDE THE DAMN BOX!!!"
After Brian wiped the spit off of his face he answered," Twenty-Five??"
The Substitute:
"NO!!! THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX, 'OUTSIDE' 'THE' 'DAMN' 'BOX'!!! HOW HARD IS IT FOR YOUR PATHETICALLY SMALL AMERICAN MINDS TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX!!! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I HATE AMERICANS!!!"
The Principle(Outraged):
"Don't yell at the students like that!!! YOUR FIRED!!! And if twenty-five isn't the right answer what is it?
The Substitute: "FOR THE LOVE OF ADOLF IT'S NEGATIVE TWENTY-FIVE!! THINK OUTSIDE THE DAMN BOX YOUR ROTTING SWINE!!! YOUR ARE ALL SO STUPID THAT IT'S PAINFUL TO STAND HERE IN YOUR PRESANCE!!! AND IF I EVER SEE ANY OF YOU ON THE STREET, excluding Herr. Schmidt, I WILL KICK YOU IN THE SPLEEN!!! FUR DEN STOLZ VON DEUTSCHLAND! Ich HASSE DIE GANZE SIE MORONIC-STAPEL Des ABFALLS!!!
The sounds of cheers followed the Substitute through the doors of the school. The Substitute was later admitted into a mental hospital as a one Mr. Frank Hindenburg who had ran away earlier that week. Mr. Kleinermannklittimpink was found several hours later tied up in the basement of a laundry-mat.
I told you it would be stupid, but hey it makes you either forget or worry more about life for a while
Non Self, Self-Promotions!
The Jeremiah Knight show:
Anouncer(sounds a bit drunk like Bob Villa or something): "Everybody put your hands together for Jeremiah Knight!"
(Cheap applause ensues and a few people in the adiance even cought)
(Camera closes in on Jeremiahs head as he sits down)
Jeremiah (Insanly happy): "Hello everyone and welcome to the Jeremiah show! I hope your all ready for a good time! Are you ready for a good time Mr. Peephs?"
(The camera zooms in on a dieing, fat, Ostrich laying in a pile of its own waster materials)
Mr. Peephs: "SSSSSCCCCCRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAACHHHH!!!"
(Camera Zooms back to Jeremiah)
Jeremiah:" Right you are Mr. Peephs the aids epidemic has to be stopped, and MMMMMMM MMMMMM!!! Ciggerrets are great aren't they kids?!(Takes a "Camel Light out of his pocket and lights it up) And you could be this cool too if you had a pack, or twelve of Camel Lights. (Takes a puff) Now, on to our next .. UH (cough) UH, UUUUUUHHHH (coughing a lot)... (In a hoarse voice) Take it away Mr. Peephs."
(Camera Zooms to Mt. Peephs)
(Mr. Peephs is unresponsive to prod after prod of a pointed stick. However after a few seconds she vomits blood all over herself and some children shreek in the audience)
(The camera hurriedly shoots back to Jeremiah who is know hooked up to an air machine)
Jeremiah: "Now our first guest is a great friend of mine, and has a lot to discuss. About his future, past, and quite scary present. Lets all give a big hand for Kerry Koestner!"
(Some body in the audience accidentaly claps, as the camera zooms in on Kerry coming from a door set up next to Jeremiahs "Pimp" Chair)
Kerry (with a smile): Well I can't really say I like being here but what the F@$K.
Jeremiah: "So whats been troubleing you as of late?"
Kerry: "You know exactly what I have been going through. I posted it on life journal!"
Jeremiah (happily oblivious): " No! I mean so that the listeners can hear about it, and add there own little tid bits of wisdom to the fray."
Kerry: Why the f@#k should I care about what they think.
(The sound bored does one of those " OOOOOOOO!" Things)
Kerry: And what the f#$k is with that Sh@#y canned sound bites. You don't even have a real audiance (the camera moves to the audiance which is basically all the old folks at the old folks, and ostriche home in Nebraska) they're just a bunch of old people and one dead ostrich!"
Jeremiah:" That might be a great point, but we must focus on the main issue... Your parents!"
(Another one of those "OOOOOOOOOO!" things)
Kerry (angered by the sound machine): " Hey! Don't worry about me C%^K Smith! I will be fine, besides I will feel better about the whole situation later. You always over-react to these kinds of things you Gay F#$%!( Canned laughter from the sound machine) OH THAT's FU#$ING IT!"
(Camera watches as Kerry runs down to the sounds machine, and proceeds to dance, dance revolution and Tai Kwon do it out of existance. The old people rejoice)
(Camera zooms back to Jeremiah)
Jeremiah: "My Program advisor, and she is also the lunch lady here at the Nebraska Old folks, and ostrich home is telling me that we are all out of time. So to the few of you out there that watch this station at three o'seventeen in the morning tune in next week when I have my vampiric friend "Kyle D. Klien" on the show. He will be talking about his love interest 'Amanda'. I bid you all a fond fare adeau!"
The credits run shortly because it consists of the words: Jeremiah Rocks! Three times in bold, giant, brint
The Jeremiah Knight Show:
(Cue stupid music basically consisting of a seven year old girl singing "Jeremiah Rocks!")
(Cue the Anouncer the sounds thrashed and is trying to do an impression of Micheal J. Fox, but is sounding more like Alf)
Anouncer: "Now... Here he is, the man you haven't been waiting for but pays me to say that you have: Jeremiah Knight! Yo!"
(Camera flows with Jeremiah as he stumbles up into his 'Pimp' chair and glares at the crowd with glossy eyes)
Jeremiah (Absolutly smashed): "Hey you guys out there that want to be me. YOU CAN'T SO GET OVER YOURSELVES YOU LAZY BUMS!"
(A bum now stands up in the audience)
Audience Hobo(Who is also extremly smashed): "I am noot layzeee, you f@#king normy with your f@#king bad show aint worth anythin. I'lb ess your face in all over the f@#kin peoplez!"
Jeremiah (stands up drunkily with a sledge hammer in his hand): "Bring it on bum because I have had just about enough of you sleeping in my trash cans, eating my grass, and using my old, jagged, window panes as toilet paper!"
(Jeremiah runs and swings at the bum, trying to take out his ankel, but the Bum has seen this one before and jumps over the swing. The Bum then pulls out of his jacket the leg of Mr.Peephs, that he found in the garbage, and crushes it into Jeremiahs Face.)
(Three people in the Audience have heart attacks, and the R.N. runs in there and drag them out. Four stoners from around the neighborhood, that only go to the show so that they're not detected by the cops while they are high, actually start to cheer and get the old people into it! The audience has now formed a ring around Jeremiah and the Bum.)
Jeremiah(Now bleeding from the temple and crying because he is getting beat up by his best friend's leg): Your pretty good old bum, but you forget who I am... Thats right I am Jeremiah Freaking Knight over here! And I OWN YOU!
(After yelling these words Jeremiah runs forward and hugs the Bum, as the bum is trying to eat Jeremiah Face off.)
Jeremiah(Trying not to let the bum eat his face off): "For my next guest I would like a big round of applause for my friend 'Kyle D. Klein'!!! Oh, and Kyle I could really use some help!"
(The crowd looks around but finds nothing but a thick mist around them, then suddenly a human figure is formed behind the Bum. The Bum screams with pain as the figure bites into his neck. The Bum fall over dead, and the audience cheer.)
Jeremiah (recovering from the battle): "That was some bout folks. He may not look like much but man I guess eating grass, and licking poop like a popsicle gives you great endurance. So Hey! How was the snack Kyle?"
Kyle (with a smile on his face unlike any vampire we know, or heard about): "It tasted horrible like what I think garbage can juice and a mixture of Colt 45, and very cheap wine would taste like. Hey where did the body go?"
Jeremiah (with a sort of realization on his face):" Oh, that! Well the stoners had just broken their pipe and they thought that the Hobo would make a great bong, so I sold it to them for fifteen dollars. Now, as for our main topic which is you and..."
Kyle (sort of embarrased): "Yes, Amanda! I know, I know it's just that she is a very beautiful woman and I would love to suc.. I mean be with her."
Jeremiah (With a quizitive look): "Now, I heard rumors that she is also the sister of a girl you were obsessed with. Now is this a ploy to try to get the one you couldn't have before by going through her sister."
Kyle (Kinda confused, kinda serious): "First I would like to point out that you know for a fact it's not a "Rumor" but that Katherine is Amanda's sister. You know Kerry, Paul, Joe, Katherine herself, Dain, Jerod, and even your girlfriend were telling me how you try to act like you do and don't know about us at all for rating or something. Oh and Paul is also sorry for making you admit that you were a girl to the, now, seventeen people that tune into this program every week."
Jeremiah (Kinda embarrased): "Yeah, that was kinda weird. I mean who would've know that peeing sitting down, shaving my legs, and reading cosmo makes me a woman. Eh, well you can tell him I am sorry for my girlfriend body slamming him into the memorial Statue of Mr. Peephes. She was trying to stick up for me, and I love her deerly for it. Now back to the topic please!"
Kyle: "Oh, right. Well I am definatly not trying to get back to Katherine, because I dont like her like that anymore. I mean I might have a fantasy about her every once and a while, but who doesnt. Nope, Amanda is the woman for me. She's in all the stuff i'm into like Games, and uh GAMES, and .. uh.. well shes christian, likes outdoorsy types of stuff, and likes motocross...But hey she likes games.. Oh and Anime with gay guys! So as you can see we are perfect matches!"
Jeremiah (Sarcastically Confused): "I see... Well thats the end of our show I would like to invite all, seventeen, or our viewers to come back next week when I will be discussing..."
(A scream comes from outside. The doors to the studio bust open and the Hobo that Kyle drank from is now a vampire, a very high vampire.)
Kyle: "I'll take care of this!"
Jeremiah: "Thank you. Now as for now I bid you a fond fare ..."
(Kyle gets knocked backwards as a whole group of Bum Vampires start pouring into the studio. Jeremiah starts to cry like a very sissy baby. Then from out of the back studio entrance Kerry, Paul, Joe, Katherine, Dain was nowhere to be found((probably for the best)), Jerod, and Jeremiah's girlfriend show up with ninja swords. The fight ensues, and Jeremiah dies. The End!
I mean seriously what a perfect ending for me to just die somehow!
The Crazy office! (Man I need sleep):
A new woman sitting at a desk is waiting for her day to start when her boss comes in. She looks like a real bitch, because she is one.
(New girl) "Hello. You must be my boss. I'm..."
(Boss-disgusted) "Almost late for work. Don't let it happen again. Do you understand the words that are comeing out of my mouth, Biotch?"
(New girl-jaw dropped) "What!? I will not tolerate that kind of behavior, especialy from my boss."
(Boss-curious) "Look, new girl, I am sorry that we started off on the wrong foot here. You being late and all... Just next time come in earlier or get a new job. Alright, thank you, good-bye now."
(New girl-angry) "Now hold on a minute. This is absurd. I wasn't late, and I am not a biotch!"
(Boss-amused): Obviously you have set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public, but you happen to be on company time and that is unexceptable. Now I will try being nicer if your try being smarter... are we clear?"
The boss walks into her office and slams the door. The new girl sits down and cries as the bosses, Body-builder, secretary comes out of the elevator.
(Secretary-sounds a lot like Arnold) "Whats a matter miss sad panties?"
(New girl) " The boss said I was late, called me a "biotch", called me dumb, and then stormed off."
(Secretary-laughing) "Yeah, she'll do zshat. She always has a tiger in her anus. I don't know how it got up in zere but it sure is claw-ing to get oUt.
(New girl starts to laugh)
The new girl and the secretary start a friendship.
Later, during the day, the new girl looses her pen. To her horror the only one with extra pens is her new boss. So she goes into her office to ask for a pen.
(New girl-mortified) "Uhm, Miss..."
(Boss-enraged) "What the fff.. What am I Flypaper for freaks?!
(New girl) "I was wondering if I could have another pen. I seem to have lost mine."
(Boss-with a smirk on her face) "So you lost your pen, (under her breath) sorta like your going to loose this job (end), well continue to work without one. Don't you have a computer or something."
(New girl-kind of hurt) "Ofcourse I do... this is Microsoft, but I need a pen to sign my name to some legal documentation on my desk."
(Boss-childishly insulting) "It sounds like english, but I can't make out a word your saying."
(New girl-confused) "What? I.. uhm?"
(Boss-calm) "It's okay... The fact that no one understands you does not make your an artist... nor does it impress me. So get out."
(New girl) "But what about the pen?"
(Boss-Complete Anger) "How about never is never good enough for you. Now get the HELL OUT!
(New girl) Why are you so mean?
(Boss-calm) Im realy easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. Now get out before I open a whole pack of break your face open!
The new girl runs out crying.
Later, at the end of the day. The new girl hears someone crying. She hears the sounds coming for the Bosses office. She walks in to find the Boss laying on the floor with a drink in her hand.
(Boss): "So many freaks and not enough circuses! What do you want... another pen. Here take em,(She tosses a handful of pens at the floor no where near the girl) there yours. I hate these stupid people!"
(New girl): Whats the matter? Why are you crying?"
Boss: " This isn't an office... It's HELL With fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. Why does all of the bad things in life happen to the best people... like me?
New girl: "Well what happened?"
Boss-crying: Do I look like a people person?! Okay, fine! The secretary and me have been going out for months and he says, out of nowhere, that I should be nicer. So I slapped him in the face, and told him he was an ugly platypus from Hell. Then he broke up with me, and I don't even know whY-HI-HIIIIIIII!!!
New girl: Well maybe smacking him in the face was a little over board, and the whole platypus thing... you might want to back off a little on that.
Boss: You don't even know how it is around here! So many Freaks! THEY ALL SUCK.
New girl: I do admit it is a bit stressful...
Boss: Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven fallen asleep yet.. Thats what stress is!... Ack... Nice perfume, must your marinate in it?"
New girl: You vomited in the fireplace... And I am wearing just a little perfume from this morning.
Boss: Well thank you. I will always cherrish the initial misconceptions I had about you. But now you can leave.
New girl: What? Why would you say that to me? I mean why?
Boss: Because you are validating my inherent mistrst of strangers. Now I am visualizing duct tape over your mouth. GET THE HELL OUT!
The new girl runs out. She later quits, starts an anti-microsoft coolition and blows up her old building. Her boss; however, was in therapy that day.
The estranged monkey.
The Estranged Monkey... brought to you by low carb carbohydrates: The Only carns that you'll love so much that you will wanna take a steak knife and cut your postal workers eyes out!
Last week on the Estranged Monkey, E.M.(The purple monkey who never knows whats going on because he was sorta thrown into all of this anyway) was led, unwillingly, to a fountain in the middle of Vietnam, by a beautiful American Grizzly Bear. They were soon found by the evil Dali LLAMA!, and his evil Nazi/Red Chinese Red Panda recruits.
Scene:
E.M.(Keanu Reaves voice): Whats going on? I only wanted a drink from this fountain.
Dali LLAMA!(Christopher lowells voice): SILENCE!! Before I just spank that cute little furry butt of yours. Mmmm... you are vicious aren't you, yes you are (One of the Red Pandas slaps him) !!! Right! Now you listen here you Mister spanky pants! You and your precious teddy bear friend are going to go and give away the position of the American Badger infantry!
American Grizzly named ShEELA! ( the voice of Shirly Temple): I WILL NEVER GIVE AWAY AMERICA TO SOME HITLER!!!
A hush falls on the crowd
Dali LLAMA!-outraged-: HOW DARE YOU (slaps the bear)!! He was soo tacky. I would've atleast added some color to my onterage, but I guess if I were a psyco ruler of some estranged land... I mean seriously where is Germany anyway? Its like in the middle of nowhere... Now Greece, France, San Francisco those are the kinds of places to rule over!
As the Dali LLAMA was drooling after his speach shEELA, and E.M. snuck off unnoticed. After they had traveled a mere foot from the campsite they were recaptured.
E.M. What is going on here... why am I a damn purple monkey and why am in freaking Vietnam?
shEELA: Your words pour into my soul like sugared cow tongue sandwiches... MAKE LOVE TO ME MANLY MONKEY!!!
E.M. Whatever babe.
A wild Discovery channel photographer jumped out of a tree at this weird and odd chance of interspecies mateing. The mating season for these two lasted for six and a half minutes to the disappointment of the Bear, so she crapped on him.
After a while the Dali LLAMA came gathered the two and brought them into his tent.
In D.L's tent.
Dali LLAMA!: I don't know why I hate you sissy pusses so much, or why I find E.M.'s butt so attractive; however you both must die!
E.M.: Why do I have to die... how did I even get here... Who the hell are you anyway? Why don't you just kill her and let me go... I don't care what your doing just let me go. GOSH!
shEELA: NO!! KILL US BOTH!!
Dali LLAMA: No! You both must die, but not before I tell E.M. exactly who he is...
Tune in for the next episode of The Estranged Monkey!!!
The Crazed Casino Addict:
One night, at the local casino, a man is putting himself into finacial hard times, yet again.
Martin: SON.. OF.. A .. DIRTY BUTT LEOPARD! HOW CAN I LOOSE FIFTEEN TIMES IN A ROW TO MINDLESS FILTH-MAGNET, STUPID, SMELLY, FREAK OF A BLACK JACK PLAYER! DOG!!!
Black Jack Dealer: Sir, I am standing a foot away from you. You don't have to be so vile. I mean I am only doing my jo...
Martin: YOU SHUT YOU DIRTY MOUTH! NOOOOOOOW!!!
Black Jack Dealer: Sir, please bring the volume of your voice down. You only lost fifteen times in a row its not like your life is endi..
Martin: Your right...(calming down) your right my life isn't ending. I mortaged my house, maxed out my credit cards, sold my car, ran away from my family, sold my youngest daughter into the east indian slave trade, divorced my wife, had relations with my wife's 90 year old mother and poodle, killed a hobo while he was sleeping, ran over a couple of my neighbors dogs and cats, punched my female boss in the face and forced relations with her, ended up selling my liver, lost my wallet, crashed my car into an orphanage, pee'd on a bishop accidentaly, got ravaged by a few highway patrolmen, and now I lost all the money I had left in this damn casino. But hey! Your right! My life isn't ending. Mr. Black Jack Dealer... I am in the third ring of HELL!
Black Jack Dealer (Confused at what he just heard): Well I am sorry sir, but it seems to me like you could've gotten out of a few of those things you did. Did I hear that you killed a hobo?
Martin: Oh yeah... that... Well I was running low on funds after a long night with a mexican prostitute named Burrito Bob and a lot of booze, so I figured who should I kill for money. Then it hit me... hobos have lots of money, always beggin and all. So I stumbled into a dark alley with knife, because I figured I would have to kill the hobo to get his money- yeah I was pretty messed up... But anyway.
So I go do down this alley, and here is this Hobo dressed all in blue. So I says to the Hobo, Giv be all yor kash. Yoo Leparichaun bashtird!"
Then I jumped at him and stabbed my knife into his neck. He died seconds later. After I started to search through his clothes I started to realize that I was covered with blood, and that the Hobo was in fact a cop. So I decided to eat him.
(The Black Jack Dealer looks frieghtend) But whats even worse is that my wife found one of the policeman's hairs on one of my work suites and thought I was cheating on her, which I was. But I made sure to hid the hairs of my wife's mom and my sister.
Black Jack Dealer (Plain ole sick): That is disgusting. Wait! I thought you said that you only had sex with your wifes (gags) mother once!
Martin: No. You mis-read me. I banged her mother out, which is completely surpriseing for an older lady. I mean she should literally be dead after what we went through.
Black Jack Dealer: Well did you ever think about not having sex with your wife's mother, or not selling you daughters into slavery, or not killing police men?
Martin: No. But I did think about putting it all on the line so that you and I could have ourselves a game of black-jack. (A Tear of pride flowed down the cheek of the disgusted Black Jack Dealers face). Now I have about three dollars, a few paeco's, a couple hundred rubels, and a jar full of hobo fecies... that I keep for luck. Hows about it?
Black Jack Dealer (Confused): Hows about what?
Martin: Hows about you given me one last chance at my freedom. Hows about you let me jump over a rainbow, taste the sweet drink of joy, swim in the vast oceans of happyness.
Black Jack Dealer: Your out of your mind sir!
Martin (Continueing): Eaten of the fattened calf of sweet honey, killed the pain with the drug of savory gladness, beaten the argument of death with the devine?
Black Jack Dealer (frustrated): Look. How am I supposed to give you any of these things? In other words how can I shut you the hell up, so that you can stop scareing away all of the casino's custimers.
Martin: One more game. That's it... just one more game... for everything I have lost tonight.
Black Jack Dealer (Weighing the options): Well you have lost fifteen times in a row... and I do realy want the Hobo poop... YOU ON!
The dealer delt Martin a twelve and had a face card of a King. Martin wanted to double down, but he had no money to do it with. He hit and got a nine of diamonds. Martin jumped up like he had run over a whole bushel of his neighbors cats.
The Black Jack dealer turned over his card to reveal a seven of clubs. Martin then fell over and died from a heart attack.
My point to this live journal entry is never get too addicted to anything that isn't profiting to you. Though the complete loose had everything that mattered to him(Money) back at the end. He only had it for a second then died of a freak heart attack caused by his excessive drinking, drug use, and boss abuse. So be free of such containment as gambleing... or you might just end up like Martin.
This statement and everything in it has nothing to do with anything, and is not in any way a form of Jeremiah Knight's personal belief.
Tom "Jones" Diver- The Homeless poop collector!
Tom Diver is walking around a garbage filled alleyway when out of nowhere a man falls flat on the ground dead. Tom hadn't seen a dead man all day long so he was overjoyed at the chance for some dead man poop! As Tom is inspecting the dead body for poop the Police come running onto the scene.
Police man Steve(Rednecked Idiot): Well, well, well... what have we here?! Apparently we have an open and shut case here Gus. I mean this here hobomabob is standing right over his victim... no need for paperwork just shoot him...
Police man Gustov (A Policeman with actual intelligence): Not to say that your wrong but this Homeless person only has a bag of what appears to be fecies and a McDonalds wrist watch from three to four years ago. There is nothing on his person that could've possibly killed this man.
As Tom Diver jumps up and down in joy at the smell of the dead mans poop the two police officers continue in their debate.
Steve: Well thats a nice was to skin a dead Aligators Unicorn's Horn-penis muzzle! But did you notice how this man is indeed homeless and probably killed him to make a tent out of his intestins and use his skull for a wine goblet and his testicles and teeth for a unintelligible game of teeth ten pin... just like in that movie Star Battles or whatever.. Like I said Gus problem solved .. Kill his ass!
Gustov: Woh... hold your fire there! That didn't explain anything all you proved is that, yes, this person standing over the dead man laying before us is infact a homeless man...
Steve: Man? MAN?! Are you out of you mind Gus? Where did you learn your schoolin from a Lucky Charms box or maybe one of them fancier Frosted Rice Crispies boxes... mmmmm thems good eatins...! This hobo's no MAN! He's the lockness monster! Yeah and he used the power of the lady of the lake to transform into an ugly duckling... and well its all just common sense from there so lets just burn his ass to the ground or do you have some other insanity that you want to impart on this case before we up and kill this mythological creature of lore?!
Tom Diver pulls out of his bag of poop jars and starts to shovel the dead man's fecies into his jar with a huge grin on his face.
Gustov (Completely confused and angered by Steve's lack of intelligence or sanity): Your jokeing right? I mean you must be joking... I mean not to call you a fool but some of the things that you have just mentioned could poison an aborted fetises mind. I mean some of the stuff you said was downright bunk!
Steve (Confused): Bunk?
Gustov: Bunk... yeah you know not right... bad... smelly... (Steve continues to look confused as Tom is now smelling the poop in his jar with delight)... uh well as you might say A pissed off weasels... uh.. mothers ant hill anal trama?
Steve: Gus I don't know what the hell you just tried to explain to me.. cept for the weasels mothers ass... and thank you I do smell like cheap cologne tonight... but you have to try to comprehend that you don't know everything Gus. You know what Gus have a seat on the dead guy and let me tell you a story.
Gustov (Shocked) Have you lost your damn mind man... I cant take it any longer this is ludicris. I, number one, am not going to sit on this "dead guy" that would be contamination of evidence... and number 2 We have to stop the real murderer and get this body to the Lab.
Tom Diver put his poop away and thought it would just make his day if he would lay down next to the dead guy.
Steve (Pointing over to Tom): Now look Mister smarty Dick... The Vampire is sleeping to rejuvinate its wing power when it attemps to fight the sun again in the morning!
Gustov: What the hell are you talking about.. do you even know what the hell a vampire is... wait a minute! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Steve: Why I am just Steve ... you know Steve the cop... Steve the very same cop who busted Mike Hunt on April fools day twenty years ago and sent his family to hell by burning down their house and rapeing their dead bodies... But that didn't stop him from further defilment as he then used their bodies in a home made human chess board. Then he sent that boy to jail where he would be tormented every single second day of the month of October only for his name and then sell his soul to Buddha and escape the jail with the power of an ancient Mongolian Monk. He later learned to breath in space and fly to the moon where he has stationed a bathroom stall that can recieve signals from every radio station in the tri-county area with one exception... the baby channel. Damn baby channel... just never comes in.
As Steve continues to ramble on Tom gets up, collects his poop pack, and takes a sit and a smoke on the dead mans back.
Gustov (Pulls out his gun): I am giving you one last chance to tell me who the hell you are, or I have no other choice... (Turns his pistol to his own head).. but to kill myself.
Steve (Falls to his knees crying): NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Gus don't.... you my only friend. I am Don Juan Michaels, and the President of the United States of Mexico... but I live down the street in St. John's Assylum. I dressed up like a woman and chased this Officer Steven around screaming I Pity da fool over and over again. After about a minute of that he shot me twice in both legs. I realy dont remember how I got the upper hand but I do remember eating his earlobes out... And then his pen... ( gun fire)
Don Juan fell over dead. Gus fell to his knees: I got him for you Buddy... I got him for you Steve. My love.
Tom JUMPED TO HIS FEET IN EXCITEMENT... MORE POOP!
Yep! Crazy as hell! The End.
This Entry and everything written above does not pertain to anything within Jeremiah's Psyche!
I happen to be living in Karlstad with my parents again. This isn't a bad thing however as I only have to pay eighty dollars a month to drive back and forth to TR for my Job; however eventually I will have to get an appartment there anways. Not a bad thing I guess. Let's see here. I have been writing poetry for, well there really isn't any other reason but out of boredom. Karlstad will do that to you. Actually now that I think of it any town/city/metropolis that you grow up in will sort of have the same effect on you after a while. I do also believe rich people become bored with their lives; however they do it with class.
On another note Kyle has been a main topic of discussion here on the journal. Poor guy. He needs a woman, or atleast something to keep him occupied. Kyle hows about weightlifting. It works for me, and just look at the benefits.
(cue cheesy info-mercial music)
Gary (because theres always somebody names gary on info-mercials)
Bruce (Gary and bruce hmmm I wonder where thats going?)
Sheila (She's always there)
Bruce(Happily): So gary how long have you been lifting weights.
Gary(sadly): I haven't ever Ted.
Bruce(confused): The names Bruce, Gary.
Gary(shocked): What? Where am I?
Bruce (Happily again): Your in my basement shooting this info-mercial on the newest way to get in shape!
Gary (mortified): What? How? What time is it?
Bruce: Those aren't the right questions to be asking Gary. You should probably ask what year it is, or even what state your in. Ha ha ha. Now as I was saying about the newes...
Gary (shocked and mortified at the same time): WHAT?! WHAT YEAR IS IT! WHAT STATE AM I IN?!
Bruce (calmly smiling): Why your in cold ole Minnesota silly puss, and the year is 2004.
Sheila (enters the basement with a huge smile planted on her face: Thats right Bruce!
Bruce: Now as I was saying about the newest was to get fit and be a hit is the plan of the Millennium. Ah ha ha ha.
Sheila: That's right Bruce!
Gary (confusedly scarred): Well what do you need me for?
Bruce: We're getting to that Gary. If the audience, and cameraman Ah Ha Ha, could look over to my right you will see a weight machine built not for any man but for the Greatest of MEN!!
Sheila: Thats right Bruce!
(The camera flows to the right to reveal a busted up old weight machine.)
Gary: Thats just an old pile of crap weight machine.
Sheila: Thats right Bruce!
Both Gary, and Bruce look at Sheila(who is still smiling like an idiot) with complete confusion.
Bruce: Well thats because a man so great and powerful lifted for years on it and he is with us today. Let me introduce the newest leader among men, the wave that will lay down low anyone who stands in his way, Mr. Emperor, Pharoh Jeremiah, Cayne Francis "Hitler" Knight the first. (cue cheesy canned applaus).
Jeremiah: "Hello all of my faithful out in the t.v. screen. With my new product it will definitely make all of you three times as strong, and CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES INTO THE BLOODY DIRT!"
Gary: "Wow, hold on a second here. What the hell is your product anyway? I dont see it."
Jeremiah: "And who are you son? Have you come to test out my first model for free, BECAUSE I HATE FREE LOADERS AHHHHHHH!"
Gary (scared beyond belief): No, sir. I'm not really sure why I am here or even how I got here. I was sitting at home in Nebraska with my wife and children and I remember was the gun shot and the screaming, and then...
Jeremiah: DOES THIS MAN EVER SHUT UP! DO YOU NEED ME TO SHUT YOU UP AHHHHHHHH?!
Gary (screaming in shock) NO, SIR! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!
Jeremiah: YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AHHHHHHHHH!
Sheila: Thats right Bruce!
Jeremiah: YOU SHUT THE HELL UP WOMAN AHHHHHHH!
Gary (crying): OH PLEASE LORD SAVE ME FROM THIS!
Jeremiah: I WILL CRUSH YOUR SKULL WITH YOUR OWN KNEE AHHHHHHH!
Sheila: Thats right Bruce!
Jeremiah: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP! AHHHHHHHHH!
Bruce (speaking to Hitler.. I mean Jeremiah): Emperor please control your very manly, and attractive emotions. (Speaking to the Camera) Now you may not know this audience but our product will work for at least a given three to four minutes before deactivation.
Gary (crying): Deactivation?
Bruce and Sheila: Thats right Gary! Ah haha!
Gary (screaming): WHAT THE HELL IS THE PRODUCT!
Jeremiah: It's you, you scrumptious piece of steak!
Gary (crying/scarred/and curious): What are you talking about. Your all insane. Your going to eat me aren't you.
Bruce: Eventually yes, but not until you go into battle to make us rich. You see your a fighting machine trained by the Emperor himself. He even sowed you up and replaced most of your body with his on living tissue making you, well, him.
Jeremiah: And now you are the greatest weapon the earth has ever seen.
Gary: But Hitler already tried to make a master race.
Jeremiah: Did Hitler ever put small atomic war heads into the master races stomach? Ah ha ha!
Gary (Shocked): YOU VICIOUS BASTARDS! I HAD A NICE LIFE AND I HAVE TO END IT FOR YOU NO WAY!
Bruce: Sorry Gary, but if you dont do what we tell you to do well then you will die. We also put a packet of anthrax right in your heart.
Gary: So i'm dead either way. I HATE YOU ALL. But I like your style. Ship me off because I want to die killing others.
Jeremiah: You could be just like Gary. So ORDER NOW!!! AHHHH!!
(Cue cheesy music and phone number)(cue announcers voice that sounds strangely like Charleston Heston)
Announcer: The pack includes: Self butchering Butcher knife
Packet of Anthrax
Surgical Staff
Miniature Atomic Warhead
Case full of Jeremiah's Flesh
All of Hitlers Books
And a death wish.
Do you see now kyle. Life can be fun, or post-apocolyptic with weightlifting.
Good luck and Godbless.
Sincerely Jeremiah Knight
Before I get started I want to remind you all that this is just dumb. As a part German I am making/poking fun at Nazi's... If you didn't know this I can do that. Though I might be killed. Well anyway enjoy if you are courageous enough to read it, wimps! This might also be very offensive to some, and I am giving you pre-warning.
The Substitute Nazi:
The scene opens in an american class room where all of the students are playing around. This stops immediatly as a tall, stern, blonde haired, German(dressed in a dark trench coat that seemed to echo his piercing blue eyes) slams the door as he enters the room.
The Substitute(He walks over to the board and chalks down his name):
"My name is Mr. KLEINER MANN KLITT IM PINK and if we were in Germany I would HAVE YOU ALL HANGED!!!(The entire class looks confused and horrified). Now for roll call and I swear to you if one of you is here and does not answer when they're name is called I will personally track you down and MAKE YOU ADMIT WHO YOU REALLY ARE IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE THAT IS BURNING!!! Now... (sits down heavily on his chair behind the dest and looks deeply at the attendance board)... Ah heres one. BREANNA ANDERSON!!!
A black woman at the back of the class spoke quite shakily the word," Here."
The Substitute starred at the black woman for a complete minute before moving on. "WHERE IS A ONE HERR. BRIAN STEWART!!!"
A young Frenchman at the front of the class raised his hand quite womanly into the air.
The Substitute starred confusedly at the French boy for another full minute before moving on. The Substitute continued through the names, starring at the people he didn't like, until he came to one name that actually interested him.
The substitute:
OH! What is this? Where is HERR. VICTOR VON SCHMIDT?!?!?(After he roared this name his blue eyes darted over the classroom).
A young man near Breanna stood up. He also had blonde hair, and blue eyes almost exactly like the substitutes'. Before Victor could say anything the Substitute interrupted him.
The Substitute(Smiling greatly):
Ah very good then. YOU GET AN A+ FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR!!!(At this moment a young boy at the very front of the class whispered loudly "That's not fair!")
The Substitute stood up faster then lightning could strike the ground and threw his fist into the desk. Then the Substitute grabbed hard onto the attendance list and walked in front of the child that whispered.
The Substitute(Screaming with rage):
WHAT IS YOUR NAME BOY!?!!! QUICKLY NOW BEFORE I BECOME ANGRY!!!!
The boy in the front row answered almost in tears: "Isaac Goldman."
The substitute stared at the boy with utter hatred, then broke out into laughter so loud that it shook the floor.
The Substitute:
HA WELL YOU, (under his breath) and your people, SHOULD START THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX HERR. GOLDMAN! THUS YOU SHALL GET AN F- FOR THE REST OF THE SCHOOL YEAR. YOU MAY LEAVE... GET OUT!!!
Isaac Goldman ran out of the room crying. Two minutes later the principle, Misses Goldman, came in the room holding Isaac by the collar trying to calm him down.
The principle(very sternly):
"What is going on in here Mr. Kliemmer what ever it is? This boy told me that your gave him and F- for the rest of the year and another boy, a one Mr. Victor Schmidt, an A+ for the rest of the year for no apparent reason at all. Now correct me if I'm wrong (The substitute, glaring at her the second she came in the door, grinning slightly) but that sounds like favoritism to me, and I am quite sure that F-'s do not exist!"
The Substitute (getting out of his chair again):
What is it with your people misses Goldman and your BELLIGERANT THINKING OF FAVORITISM WITH GERMAN PEOPLE!!! Und, Miss Goldman, I am afraid F-'s do exist for Dumb Esel's that don't THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX!!!(The substitute crossed over to the children started to ask them questions) YOU, ANDERSON, WHAT IS THREE PLUS FLOOR!!!?!"
The girl was confused by the question because after all this was "Advanced Algebra"! She said," Uh, Seven?"
The Substitute:
WRONG!! THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX!!! GOD YOU AMERICANS NEED TO REWIRE YOU BRAINS AND BECOME SMARTER THEN POLISH COWS!!!(The class gasped and the principle almost fell over with shock)
The Principle:
"NOW JUST WAIT A MINUTE HERE! IF SEVEN ISN'T THE RIGHT ANSWER THEN JUST WHAT EXACTLY ON EARTH IS?
The Substitute(angered beyond belief):
"ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY THOUSAND!!! NOW YOU, STEWART, WHAT IS SEVENTEEN PLUS EIGHT!?!?!?!
Brian Stewart thought hard then, very defiantly, said," What the hell does this have to do with Advanced Algebra?"
The Substitute:
"ANSWER MY DAMN QUESTION YOU FRENCH TWIG, OR I WILL BRAKE YOU LIKE ONE AND FOR THE LOVE OF THE GREAT GERMAN GOD THINK OUTSIDE THE DAMN BOX!!!"
After Brian wiped the spit off of his face he answered," Twenty-Five??"
The Substitute:
"NO!!! THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX, 'OUTSIDE' 'THE' 'DAMN' 'BOX'!!! HOW HARD IS IT FOR YOUR PATHETICALLY SMALL AMERICAN MINDS TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX!!! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I HATE AMERICANS!!!"
The Principle(Outraged):
"Don't yell at the students like that!!! YOUR FIRED!!! And if twenty-five isn't the right answer what is it?
The Substitute: "FOR THE LOVE OF ADOLF IT'S NEGATIVE TWENTY-FIVE!! THINK OUTSIDE THE DAMN BOX YOUR ROTTING SWINE!!! YOUR ARE ALL SO STUPID THAT IT'S PAINFUL TO STAND HERE IN YOUR PRESANCE!!! AND IF I EVER SEE ANY OF YOU ON THE STREET, excluding Herr. Schmidt, I WILL KICK YOU IN THE SPLEEN!!! FUR DEN STOLZ VON DEUTSCHLAND! Ich HASSE DIE GANZE SIE MORONIC-STAPEL Des ABFALLS!!!
The sounds of cheers followed the Substitute through the doors of the school. The Substitute was later admitted into a mental hospital as a one Mr. Frank Hindenburg who had ran away earlier that week. Mr. Kleinermannklittimpink was found several hours later tied up in the basement of a laundry-mat.
I told you it would be stupid, but hey it makes you either forget or worry more about life for a while
Non Self, Self-Promotions!
The Jeremiah Knight show:
Anouncer(sounds a bit drunk like Bob Villa or something): "Everybody put your hands together for Jeremiah Knight!"
(Cheap applause ensues and a few people in the adiance even cought)
(Camera closes in on Jeremiahs head as he sits down)
Jeremiah (Insanly happy): "Hello everyone and welcome to the Jeremiah show! I hope your all ready for a good time! Are you ready for a good time Mr. Peephs?"
(The camera zooms in on a dieing, fat, Ostrich laying in a pile of its own waster materials)
Mr. Peephs: "SSSSSCCCCCRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAACHHHH!!!"
(Camera Zooms back to Jeremiah)
Jeremiah:" Right you are Mr. Peephs the aids epidemic has to be stopped, and MMMMMMM MMMMMM!!! Ciggerrets are great aren't they kids?!(Takes a "Camel Light out of his pocket and lights it up) And you could be this cool too if you had a pack, or twelve of Camel Lights. (Takes a puff) Now, on to our next .. UH (cough) UH, UUUUUUHHHH (coughing a lot)... (In a hoarse voice) Take it away Mr. Peephs."
(Camera Zooms to Mt. Peephs)
(Mr. Peephs is unresponsive to prod after prod of a pointed stick. However after a few seconds she vomits blood all over herself and some children shreek in the audience)
(The camera hurriedly shoots back to Jeremiah who is know hooked up to an air machine)
Jeremiah: "Now our first guest is a great friend of mine, and has a lot to discuss. About his future, past, and quite scary present. Lets all give a big hand for Kerry Koestner!"
(Some body in the audience accidentaly claps, as the camera zooms in on Kerry coming from a door set up next to Jeremiahs "Pimp" Chair)
Kerry (with a smile): Well I can't really say I like being here but what the F@$K.
Jeremiah: "So whats been troubleing you as of late?"
Kerry: "You know exactly what I have been going through. I posted it on life journal!"
Jeremiah (happily oblivious): " No! I mean so that the listeners can hear about it, and add there own little tid bits of wisdom to the fray."
Kerry: Why the f@#k should I care about what they think.
(The sound bored does one of those " OOOOOOOO!" Things)
Kerry: And what the f#$k is with that Sh@#y canned sound bites. You don't even have a real audiance (the camera moves to the audiance which is basically all the old folks at the old folks, and ostriche home in Nebraska) they're just a bunch of old people and one dead ostrich!"
Jeremiah:" That might be a great point, but we must focus on the main issue... Your parents!"
(Another one of those "OOOOOOOOOO!" things)
Kerry (angered by the sound machine): " Hey! Don't worry about me C%^K Smith! I will be fine, besides I will feel better about the whole situation later. You always over-react to these kinds of things you Gay F#$%!( Canned laughter from the sound machine) OH THAT's FU#$ING IT!"
(Camera watches as Kerry runs down to the sounds machine, and proceeds to dance, dance revolution and Tai Kwon do it out of existance. The old people rejoice)
(Camera zooms back to Jeremiah)
Jeremiah: "My Program advisor, and she is also the lunch lady here at the Nebraska Old folks, and ostrich home is telling me that we are all out of time. So to the few of you out there that watch this station at three o'seventeen in the morning tune in next week when I have my vampiric friend "Kyle D. Klien" on the show. He will be talking about his love interest 'Amanda'. I bid you all a fond fare adeau!"
The credits run shortly because it consists of the words: Jeremiah Rocks! Three times in bold, giant, brint
The Jeremiah Knight Show:
(Cue stupid music basically consisting of a seven year old girl singing "Jeremiah Rocks!")
(Cue the Anouncer the sounds thrashed and is trying to do an impression of Micheal J. Fox, but is sounding more like Alf)
Anouncer: "Now... Here he is, the man you haven't been waiting for but pays me to say that you have: Jeremiah Knight! Yo!"
(Camera flows with Jeremiah as he stumbles up into his 'Pimp' chair and glares at the crowd with glossy eyes)
Jeremiah (Absolutly smashed): "Hey you guys out there that want to be me. YOU CAN'T SO GET OVER YOURSELVES YOU LAZY BUMS!"
(A bum now stands up in the audience)
Audience Hobo(Who is also extremly smashed): "I am noot layzeee, you f@#king normy with your f@#king bad show aint worth anythin. I'lb ess your face in all over the f@#kin peoplez!"
Jeremiah (stands up drunkily with a sledge hammer in his hand): "Bring it on bum because I have had just about enough of you sleeping in my trash cans, eating my grass, and using my old, jagged, window panes as toilet paper!"
(Jeremiah runs and swings at the bum, trying to take out his ankel, but the Bum has seen this one before and jumps over the swing. The Bum then pulls out of his jacket the leg of Mr.Peephs, that he found in the garbage, and crushes it into Jeremiahs Face.)
(Three people in the Audience have heart attacks, and the R.N. runs in there and drag them out. Four stoners from around the neighborhood, that only go to the show so that they're not detected by the cops while they are high, actually start to cheer and get the old people into it! The audience has now formed a ring around Jeremiah and the Bum.)
Jeremiah(Now bleeding from the temple and crying because he is getting beat up by his best friend's leg): Your pretty good old bum, but you forget who I am... Thats right I am Jeremiah Freaking Knight over here! And I OWN YOU!
(After yelling these words Jeremiah runs forward and hugs the Bum, as the bum is trying to eat Jeremiah Face off.)
Jeremiah(Trying not to let the bum eat his face off): "For my next guest I would like a big round of applause for my friend 'Kyle D. Klein'!!! Oh, and Kyle I could really use some help!"
(The crowd looks around but finds nothing but a thick mist around them, then suddenly a human figure is formed behind the Bum. The Bum screams with pain as the figure bites into his neck. The Bum fall over dead, and the audience cheer.)
Jeremiah (recovering from the battle): "That was some bout folks. He may not look like much but man I guess eating grass, and licking poop like a popsicle gives you great endurance. So Hey! How was the snack Kyle?"
Kyle (with a smile on his face unlike any vampire we know, or heard about): "It tasted horrible like what I think garbage can juice and a mixture of Colt 45, and very cheap wine would taste like. Hey where did the body go?"
Jeremiah (with a sort of realization on his face):" Oh, that! Well the stoners had just broken their pipe and they thought that the Hobo would make a great bong, so I sold it to them for fifteen dollars. Now, as for our main topic which is you and..."
Kyle (sort of embarrased): "Yes, Amanda! I know, I know it's just that she is a very beautiful woman and I would love to suc.. I mean be with her."
Jeremiah (With a quizitive look): "Now, I heard rumors that she is also the sister of a girl you were obsessed with. Now is this a ploy to try to get the one you couldn't have before by going through her sister."
Kyle (Kinda confused, kinda serious): "First I would like to point out that you know for a fact it's not a "Rumor" but that Katherine is Amanda's sister. You know Kerry, Paul, Joe, Katherine herself, Dain, Jerod, and even your girlfriend were telling me how you try to act like you do and don't know about us at all for rating or something. Oh and Paul is also sorry for making you admit that you were a girl to the, now, seventeen people that tune into this program every week."
Jeremiah (Kinda embarrased): "Yeah, that was kinda weird. I mean who would've know that peeing sitting down, shaving my legs, and reading cosmo makes me a woman. Eh, well you can tell him I am sorry for my girlfriend body slamming him into the memorial Statue of Mr. Peephes. She was trying to stick up for me, and I love her deerly for it. Now back to the topic please!"
Kyle: "Oh, right. Well I am definatly not trying to get back to Katherine, because I dont like her like that anymore. I mean I might have a fantasy about her every once and a while, but who doesnt. Nope, Amanda is the woman for me. She's in all the stuff i'm into like Games, and uh GAMES, and .. uh.. well shes christian, likes outdoorsy types of stuff, and likes motocross...But hey she likes games.. Oh and Anime with gay guys! So as you can see we are perfect matches!"
Jeremiah (Sarcastically Confused): "I see... Well thats the end of our show I would like to invite all, seventeen, or our viewers to come back next week when I will be discussing..."
(A scream comes from outside. The doors to the studio bust open and the Hobo that Kyle drank from is now a vampire, a very high vampire.)
Kyle: "I'll take care of this!"
Jeremiah: "Thank you. Now as for now I bid you a fond fare ..."
(Kyle gets knocked backwards as a whole group of Bum Vampires start pouring into the studio. Jeremiah starts to cry like a very sissy baby. Then from out of the back studio entrance Kerry, Paul, Joe, Katherine, Dain was nowhere to be found((probably for the best)), Jerod, and Jeremiah's girlfriend show up with ninja swords. The fight ensues, and Jeremiah dies. The End!
I mean seriously what a perfect ending for me to just die somehow!
The Crazy office! (Man I need sleep):
A new woman sitting at a desk is waiting for her day to start when her boss comes in. She looks like a real bitch, because she is one.
(New girl) "Hello. You must be my boss. I'm..."
(Boss-disgusted) "Almost late for work. Don't let it happen again. Do you understand the words that are comeing out of my mouth, Biotch?"
(New girl-jaw dropped) "What!? I will not tolerate that kind of behavior, especialy from my boss."
(Boss-curious) "Look, new girl, I am sorry that we started off on the wrong foot here. You being late and all... Just next time come in earlier or get a new job. Alright, thank you, good-bye now."
(New girl-angry) "Now hold on a minute. This is absurd. I wasn't late, and I am not a biotch!"
(Boss-amused): Obviously you have set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public, but you happen to be on company time and that is unexceptable. Now I will try being nicer if your try being smarter... are we clear?"
The boss walks into her office and slams the door. The new girl sits down and cries as the bosses, Body-builder, secretary comes out of the elevator.
(Secretary-sounds a lot like Arnold) "Whats a matter miss sad panties?"
(New girl) " The boss said I was late, called me a "biotch", called me dumb, and then stormed off."
(Secretary-laughing) "Yeah, she'll do zshat. She always has a tiger in her anus. I don't know how it got up in zere but it sure is claw-ing to get oUt.
(New girl starts to laugh)
The new girl and the secretary start a friendship.
Later, during the day, the new girl looses her pen. To her horror the only one with extra pens is her new boss. So she goes into her office to ask for a pen.
(New girl-mortified) "Uhm, Miss..."
(Boss-enraged) "What the fff.. What am I Flypaper for freaks?!
(New girl) "I was wondering if I could have another pen. I seem to have lost mine."
(Boss-with a smirk on her face) "So you lost your pen, (under her breath) sorta like your going to loose this job (end), well continue to work without one. Don't you have a computer or something."
(New girl-kind of hurt) "Ofcourse I do... this is Microsoft, but I need a pen to sign my name to some legal documentation on my desk."
(Boss-childishly insulting) "It sounds like english, but I can't make out a word your saying."
(New girl-confused) "What? I.. uhm?"
(Boss-calm) "It's okay... The fact that no one understands you does not make your an artist... nor does it impress me. So get out."
(New girl) "But what about the pen?"
(Boss-Complete Anger) "How about never is never good enough for you. Now get the HELL OUT!
(New girl) Why are you so mean?
(Boss-calm) Im realy easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. Now get out before I open a whole pack of break your face open!
The new girl runs out crying.
Later, at the end of the day. The new girl hears someone crying. She hears the sounds coming for the Bosses office. She walks in to find the Boss laying on the floor with a drink in her hand.
(Boss): "So many freaks and not enough circuses! What do you want... another pen. Here take em,(She tosses a handful of pens at the floor no where near the girl) there yours. I hate these stupid people!"
(New girl): Whats the matter? Why are you crying?"
Boss: " This isn't an office... It's HELL With fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. Why does all of the bad things in life happen to the best people... like me?
New girl: "Well what happened?"
Boss-crying: Do I look like a people person?! Okay, fine! The secretary and me have been going out for months and he says, out of nowhere, that I should be nicer. So I slapped him in the face, and told him he was an ugly platypus from Hell. Then he broke up with me, and I don't even know whY-HI-HIIIIIIII!!!
New girl: Well maybe smacking him in the face was a little over board, and the whole platypus thing... you might want to back off a little on that.
Boss: You don't even know how it is around here! So many Freaks! THEY ALL SUCK.
New girl: I do admit it is a bit stressful...
Boss: Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven fallen asleep yet.. Thats what stress is!... Ack... Nice perfume, must your marinate in it?"
New girl: You vomited in the fireplace... And I am wearing just a little perfume from this morning.
Boss: Well thank you. I will always cherrish the initial misconceptions I had about you. But now you can leave.
New girl: What? Why would you say that to me? I mean why?
Boss: Because you are validating my inherent mistrst of strangers. Now I am visualizing duct tape over your mouth. GET THE HELL OUT!
The new girl runs out. She later quits, starts an anti-microsoft coolition and blows up her old building. Her boss; however, was in therapy that day.
The estranged monkey.
The Estranged Monkey... brought to you by low carb carbohydrates: The Only carns that you'll love so much that you will wanna take a steak knife and cut your postal workers eyes out!
Last week on the Estranged Monkey, E.M.(The purple monkey who never knows whats going on because he was sorta thrown into all of this anyway) was led, unwillingly, to a fountain in the middle of Vietnam, by a beautiful American Grizzly Bear. They were soon found by the evil Dali LLAMA!, and his evil Nazi/Red Chinese Red Panda recruits.
Scene:
E.M.(Keanu Reaves voice): Whats going on? I only wanted a drink from this fountain.
Dali LLAMA!(Christopher lowells voice): SILENCE!! Before I just spank that cute little furry butt of yours. Mmmm... you are vicious aren't you, yes you are (One of the Red Pandas slaps him) !!! Right! Now you listen here you Mister spanky pants! You and your precious teddy bear friend are going to go and give away the position of the American Badger infantry!
American Grizzly named ShEELA! ( the voice of Shirly Temple): I WILL NEVER GIVE AWAY AMERICA TO SOME HITLER!!!
A hush falls on the crowd
Dali LLAMA!-outraged-: HOW DARE YOU (slaps the bear)!! He was soo tacky. I would've atleast added some color to my onterage, but I guess if I were a psyco ruler of some estranged land... I mean seriously where is Germany anyway? Its like in the middle of nowhere... Now Greece, France, San Francisco those are the kinds of places to rule over!
As the Dali LLAMA was drooling after his speach shEELA, and E.M. snuck off unnoticed. After they had traveled a mere foot from the campsite they were recaptured.
E.M. What is going on here... why am I a damn purple monkey and why am in freaking Vietnam?
shEELA: Your words pour into my soul like sugared cow tongue sandwiches... MAKE LOVE TO ME MANLY MONKEY!!!
E.M. Whatever babe.
A wild Discovery channel photographer jumped out of a tree at this weird and odd chance of interspecies mateing. The mating season for these two lasted for six and a half minutes to the disappointment of the Bear, so she crapped on him.
After a while the Dali LLAMA came gathered the two and brought them into his tent.
In D.L's tent.
Dali LLAMA!: I don't know why I hate you sissy pusses so much, or why I find E.M.'s butt so attractive; however you both must die!
E.M.: Why do I have to die... how did I even get here... Who the hell are you anyway? Why don't you just kill her and let me go... I don't care what your doing just let me go. GOSH!
shEELA: NO!! KILL US BOTH!!
Dali LLAMA: No! You both must die, but not before I tell E.M. exactly who he is...
Tune in for the next episode of The Estranged Monkey!!!
The Crazed Casino Addict:
One night, at the local casino, a man is putting himself into finacial hard times, yet again.
Martin: SON.. OF.. A .. DIRTY BUTT LEOPARD! HOW CAN I LOOSE FIFTEEN TIMES IN A ROW TO MINDLESS FILTH-MAGNET, STUPID, SMELLY, FREAK OF A BLACK JACK PLAYER! DOG!!!
Black Jack Dealer: Sir, I am standing a foot away from you. You don't have to be so vile. I mean I am only doing my jo...
Martin: YOU SHUT YOU DIRTY MOUTH! NOOOOOOOW!!!
Black Jack Dealer: Sir, please bring the volume of your voice down. You only lost fifteen times in a row its not like your life is endi..
Martin: Your right...(calming down) your right my life isn't ending. I mortaged my house, maxed out my credit cards, sold my car, ran away from my family, sold my youngest daughter into the east indian slave trade, divorced my wife, had relations with my wife's 90 year old mother and poodle, killed a hobo while he was sleeping, ran over a couple of my neighbors dogs and cats, punched my female boss in the face and forced relations with her, ended up selling my liver, lost my wallet, crashed my car into an orphanage, pee'd on a bishop accidentaly, got ravaged by a few highway patrolmen, and now I lost all the money I had left in this damn casino. But hey! Your right! My life isn't ending. Mr. Black Jack Dealer... I am in the third ring of HELL!
Black Jack Dealer (Confused at what he just heard): Well I am sorry sir, but it seems to me like you could've gotten out of a few of those things you did. Did I hear that you killed a hobo?
Martin: Oh yeah... that... Well I was running low on funds after a long night with a mexican prostitute named Burrito Bob and a lot of booze, so I figured who should I kill for money. Then it hit me... hobos have lots of money, always beggin and all. So I stumbled into a dark alley with knife, because I figured I would have to kill the hobo to get his money- yeah I was pretty messed up... But anyway.
So I go do down this alley, and here is this Hobo dressed all in blue. So I says to the Hobo, Giv be all yor kash. Yoo Leparichaun bashtird!"
Then I jumped at him and stabbed my knife into his neck. He died seconds later. After I started to search through his clothes I started to realize that I was covered with blood, and that the Hobo was in fact a cop. So I decided to eat him.
(The Black Jack Dealer looks frieghtend) But whats even worse is that my wife found one of the policeman's hairs on one of my work suites and thought I was cheating on her, which I was. But I made sure to hid the hairs of my wife's mom and my sister.
Black Jack Dealer (Plain ole sick): That is disgusting. Wait! I thought you said that you only had sex with your wifes (gags) mother once!
Martin: No. You mis-read me. I banged her mother out, which is completely surpriseing for an older lady. I mean she should literally be dead after what we went through.
Black Jack Dealer: Well did you ever think about not having sex with your wife's mother, or not selling you daughters into slavery, or not killing police men?
Martin: No. But I did think about putting it all on the line so that you and I could have ourselves a game of black-jack. (A Tear of pride flowed down the cheek of the disgusted Black Jack Dealers face). Now I have about three dollars, a few paeco's, a couple hundred rubels, and a jar full of hobo fecies... that I keep for luck. Hows about it?
Black Jack Dealer (Confused): Hows about what?
Martin: Hows about you given me one last chance at my freedom. Hows about you let me jump over a rainbow, taste the sweet drink of joy, swim in the vast oceans of happyness.
Black Jack Dealer: Your out of your mind sir!
Martin (Continueing): Eaten of the fattened calf of sweet honey, killed the pain with the drug of savory gladness, beaten the argument of death with the devine?
Black Jack Dealer (frustrated): Look. How am I supposed to give you any of these things? In other words how can I shut you the hell up, so that you can stop scareing away all of the casino's custimers.
Martin: One more game. That's it... just one more game... for everything I have lost tonight.
Black Jack Dealer (Weighing the options): Well you have lost fifteen times in a row... and I do realy want the Hobo poop... YOU ON!
The dealer delt Martin a twelve and had a face card of a King. Martin wanted to double down, but he had no money to do it with. He hit and got a nine of diamonds. Martin jumped up like he had run over a whole bushel of his neighbors cats.
The Black Jack dealer turned over his card to reveal a seven of clubs. Martin then fell over and died from a heart attack.
My point to this live journal entry is never get too addicted to anything that isn't profiting to you. Though the complete loose had everything that mattered to him(Money) back at the end. He only had it for a second then died of a freak heart attack caused by his excessive drinking, drug use, and boss abuse. So be free of such containment as gambleing... or you might just end up like Martin.
This statement and everything in it has nothing to do with anything, and is not in any way a form of Jeremiah Knight's personal belief.
Tom "Jones" Diver- The Homeless poop collector!
Tom Diver is walking around a garbage filled alleyway when out of nowhere a man falls flat on the ground dead. Tom hadn't seen a dead man all day long so he was overjoyed at the chance for some dead man poop! As Tom is inspecting the dead body for poop the Police come running onto the scene.
Police man Steve(Rednecked Idiot): Well, well, well... what have we here?! Apparently we have an open and shut case here Gus. I mean this here hobomabob is standing right over his victim... no need for paperwork just shoot him...
Police man Gustov (A Policeman with actual intelligence): Not to say that your wrong but this Homeless person only has a bag of what appears to be fecies and a McDonalds wrist watch from three to four years ago. There is nothing on his person that could've possibly killed this man.
As Tom Diver jumps up and down in joy at the smell of the dead mans poop the two police officers continue in their debate.
Steve: Well thats a nice was to skin a dead Aligators Unicorn's Horn-penis muzzle! But did you notice how this man is indeed homeless and probably killed him to make a tent out of his intestins and use his skull for a wine goblet and his testicles and teeth for a unintelligible game of teeth ten pin... just like in that movie Star Battles or whatever.. Like I said Gus problem solved .. Kill his ass!
Gustov: Woh... hold your fire there! That didn't explain anything all you proved is that, yes, this person standing over the dead man laying before us is infact a homeless man...
Steve: Man? MAN?! Are you out of you mind Gus? Where did you learn your schoolin from a Lucky Charms box or maybe one of them fancier Frosted Rice Crispies boxes... mmmmm thems good eatins...! This hobo's no MAN! He's the lockness monster! Yeah and he used the power of the lady of the lake to transform into an ugly duckling... and well its all just common sense from there so lets just burn his ass to the ground or do you have some other insanity that you want to impart on this case before we up and kill this mythological creature of lore?!
Tom Diver pulls out of his bag of poop jars and starts to shovel the dead man's fecies into his jar with a huge grin on his face.
Gustov (Completely confused and angered by Steve's lack of intelligence or sanity): Your jokeing right? I mean you must be joking... I mean not to call you a fool but some of the things that you have just mentioned could poison an aborted fetises mind. I mean some of the stuff you said was downright bunk!
Steve (Confused): Bunk?
Gustov: Bunk... yeah you know not right... bad... smelly... (Steve continues to look confused as Tom is now smelling the poop in his jar with delight)... uh well as you might say A pissed off weasels... uh.. mothers ant hill anal trama?
Steve: Gus I don't know what the hell you just tried to explain to me.. cept for the weasels mothers ass... and thank you I do smell like cheap cologne tonight... but you have to try to comprehend that you don't know everything Gus. You know what Gus have a seat on the dead guy and let me tell you a story.
Gustov (Shocked) Have you lost your damn mind man... I cant take it any longer this is ludicris. I, number one, am not going to sit on this "dead guy" that would be contamination of evidence... and number 2 We have to stop the real murderer and get this body to the Lab.
Tom Diver put his poop away and thought it would just make his day if he would lay down next to the dead guy.
Steve (Pointing over to Tom): Now look Mister smarty Dick... The Vampire is sleeping to rejuvinate its wing power when it attemps to fight the sun again in the morning!
Gustov: What the hell are you talking about.. do you even know what the hell a vampire is... wait a minute! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Steve: Why I am just Steve ... you know Steve the cop... Steve the very same cop who busted Mike Hunt on April fools day twenty years ago and sent his family to hell by burning down their house and rapeing their dead bodies... But that didn't stop him from further defilment as he then used their bodies in a home made human chess board. Then he sent that boy to jail where he would be tormented every single second day of the month of October only for his name and then sell his soul to Buddha and escape the jail with the power of an ancient Mongolian Monk. He later learned to breath in space and fly to the moon where he has stationed a bathroom stall that can recieve signals from every radio station in the tri-county area with one exception... the baby channel. Damn baby channel... just never comes in.
As Steve continues to ramble on Tom gets up, collects his poop pack, and takes a sit and a smoke on the dead mans back.
Gustov (Pulls out his gun): I am giving you one last chance to tell me who the hell you are, or I have no other choice... (Turns his pistol to his own head).. but to kill myself.
Steve (Falls to his knees crying): NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Gus don't.... you my only friend. I am Don Juan Michaels, and the President of the United States of Mexico... but I live down the street in St. John's Assylum. I dressed up like a woman and chased this Officer Steven around screaming I Pity da fool over and over again. After about a minute of that he shot me twice in both legs. I realy dont remember how I got the upper hand but I do remember eating his earlobes out... And then his pen... ( gun fire)
Don Juan fell over dead. Gus fell to his knees: I got him for you Buddy... I got him for you Steve. My love.
Tom JUMPED TO HIS FEET IN EXCITEMENT... MORE POOP!
Yep! Crazy as hell! The End.
This Entry and everything written above does not pertain to anything within Jeremiah's Psyche!