MONDAY AND TUESDAY NIGHT: The Whole Story. Or Most Of It. Trufax.
ALRIGHT so im at work and i just spent the last 2 hours stalking these guys, 4playerpodcast that schm0use made me stay up till ungodly hours watching them freak out while playing games like Silent Hill and Resident Evil __insert # here__ and now i have mini-crushes on all of them but this is irrelevant. And we all know that as much as i complain about this job, i rarely actually do any work, so its all good. Also, i have taken off my shoes.
Okay so i probably freaked some of you out with my post and some of you are probably fearing the worst, so let me just start by saying that my definition of "hooking up" (man i sound either really lame or like a mom--did i seriously just quote that?) is, generally speaking, doing anything that wouldnt fall under the behavior of normal, plutonic friends. like kissing, for example. or making out on a Rose Towers Dorm couch at 1 in the morning--what?
yeah. okay. uhm.
see. i dont....do this.
XD i know that sounds weird, probably, but i pride myself on being that girl, the one that people just assume, as with everyone else, that she's done stuff or whatever, or want to make a play for her, etc. i pride myself on being the girl that is also untouchable. because, for the most part, i am. it not only goes with my beliefs and my upbringing, though, and my personal preference and weird, controlling, perfectionist quirk that every "first" has to be PERFECT MOTHERFUCKER--, but it also makes me feel...special? different? unique? exclusive in a non-bitchy-self-righteous way? like, my experience with it, and i promise im not some conceited bitch, but my actual, personal experience is that when guys hear that ive had one boyfriend and didnt kiss until a month in and havent gone farther than that and such and such, is that theyre like "damn. can i do it?" its like a challenge for them, or something, idk, im not in their brain (nor do i want to be. that is a scary, scary place.)(actually sometimes i do but this is beside the point)
okay the point of that chunk of nonsense up there is that i.
do not.
hook up.
like kelly clarkson said in that totally catchy song that i ironically listened to before my relapse, I.
DO NOT.
HOOK UP.
i cannot stress this enough. this is why i have been shitting myself over the past two nights. it might not seem like much to a few of you, but remember. i. do not. hook up. i dont know why, i just dont. i made ryan wait a whole month before he could kiss me. doing it with someone im not even dating...it just doesnt happen.
beeeeeefore now. okay so also, more backstory (i promise ill get to the goods, bear with me or scroll if you want lol): you know those 1 or 2 weeks in between periods sorry, whether its the first two right after, the middle, or the end right before, and you are really. really. hot. for anything. for anything. yeah? well, im there. also, i havent kissed anyone in like. well, since august. you do the math
so Will and i go way back. not really. we met at a Pink House party (where APO, the theater honor society have crazy parties) and he started talking to me and yeah. then we saw each other again another time, and he had been drinking lol and so when we said goodbye, he leaned up (he was sitting down) and kissed my neck really lightly. needless to say, i FUCKING DIED INSIDE. lol he also was a jonas brother for halloween because HE FUCKING LOOKS LIKE ONE but no i swear hes cute, trust me. but okay obviously some attraction, right? and then i told him i kick ass in SSBros (er...thats only kind of a lie. im good with kirby, really!) and so hes like well i have a wii and im like oh ho ho is that a challenge and hes like yep and i was like shit. so i tried to get out of it a lot because i know im attracted to him and thats asking for trouble, but more importantly i dont want to talk shit and then get my ass beat. I DO HAVE SOME PRIDE. contrary to popular belief.
but so then, he said it was his birthday monday, but he wasnt going to be doing anything. and im like. *LONG-SUFFERING SIGH* fuck my life im going to go over there arent i.
the answer is yes, btw.
so i went over there and i did not bother to get cute or anything cuz i was completely in the mentality of no, jessica, you will control yourself, you dont hook up, you dont kiss people, you certainly will not kiss Will, and you will listen to what i say.
but he took a shower right before i came over.
RED FLAG RED FLAG
ABORT ABORT ABORT
so we went on the computer for a little bit and it was alright and then his roommate got off the damn xbox and we went and started playing and isaac his other roommate i met was playing with us, but the batteries were for shit and will kept running off the side uncontrollably and got all like, wound up and defensive and it was kind of a turn off so i was all "yessss i will control myself" but then i got really tired and i had a japanese final in the morning and isaac boned out and lets back up a little.
we also watched xmen, the first one, i forgot about that, and Will got up to put it in (...the dvd player, you pervert) and so i lay down in his spot playfully (oh my god, my mind is screaming at me, stop it, stop it now--) and when i let him sit down he said i could lay back down and i was smart and DIDNT HA HA--is that his arm behind the couch inching closer around me dear God it is. hes kind of forward, btw. i was like. ugh. fuck my life.
but okay so i got tired after ssbros or wolverine whichever one came second and then i lay down again and then he had gotten up but he came back and this time i DID lay my head in his lap i know i know and then my brain kicked my ass and i got up and called crimson ride, the transit service. PROGRESS. PROGRESS. GTFO NOW.
and then i was like okay well i should probably head down. i should probably go now.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaand then he reached forward, did the soft, lightly take the point of your chin and guide you forward thing, and then i was right there, and he was right there, and then the world went STRAIGHT TO FUCKING HELL.
and it started off innocent and then it wasnt and then he was pressed into the back of the couch and then i was pressed into the ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE COUCH on my back and the entire time my head was like NO. NO WHAT DID I TELL YOU. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW--DONT YOU DARE--*scandalized gasp* OH MY GOD THIS. IS STOPPING. RIGHT NOW-- and i couldnt hear it, sobbing.
in all fairness, he is a good kisser.
i had to call crimson ride again, and then we went down to wait for them, and he like, kind of touched/held my hand when we were talking waiting?? and i had a few light marks on my neck and oh god i am so embarrassed.
AND THEN I FUCKING DID IT AGAIN ARE YOU SERIOUS.
yeah okay so then there was a party at the pink house again, and i was like okay i can either go, be awkward, most likely get some, and feel guilty again or i can not go and keep my sanity HMMM. i went.
i also took my friend joe along and well. more on that at the end of this.
so im going to keep this one short. i KNEW what i was getting into, i KNEW i was asking for it, i KNEW it was going to happen, i KNEW I KNEW I FUCKING KNEW.
will wanted to "take a walk" IT WAS LIES IT WAS ALL LIES and i pushed it off like 4 times and then i gave in because hes cute and i was like FINE LETS TAKE THE FUCKING WALK. and so we went around the back of a house down a little alley god im so going to get murdered and there was a wall and then he was against it and heeeeeeeere we go again.
also, he likes necks. i approve. i looooove things done to my neck. can you tell im avoiding saying it outright? keeping it clean, people. ...ish. anyways.
but I like being the one on the wall (shut up tsuki. you too sarah.) and so i switched it around and lol there was this weird, fuckin board thing(?) we were standing on that kept like, moving and shit so we almost fell like 3 times and things got worse, but no i did not get hoisted up around his waist and no i did not hook my legs around his hips and i am a lying liar who lies.
ALTHOUGH.
i was like "my mom is coming in 2 days and if you give me a hickey so help me--"
and i was afraid he did but thankfully he didnt but boy did i do a number on him. apparently, im good at giving hickeys. really good. still, he wont stop teasing me about it and i am ridiculously embarassed about it. oh, yeah, and once i kiss people they know im the biggest tease in the world, i really am. i love being a tease. im sorry, im being honest, i really. really do. (i am a teaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa--)
lol oh and oh yeah when i was debating on whether to "go for a walk that is actually a lie" richie was behind Will and we were like, talking secretly and he was like "no, stop looking at richie--" and like turning around and trying to see what we were communicating and lol it was kind of funny and richie was giving me the go ahead but i was embarassed cuz i knew everyone knew and arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
BUT.
SO.
AWKWARD PART COMES.
that night, im on fbook and joe and i are talking about if he had fun or not, and he mentions my "DISAPPEARING" FML and then goes, somewhere along the lines of: i didnt know you and will had something going on, i guess its a bit awkward since i like you--
WAIT.
HOLD THE FUCK UP.
BACK UP. REWIND. WHAT?
fml. so joe tells me that he likes me and im like fuck this shit and i was super nice and stuff cuz i still want to hang out with him (thats semi-true, we dont know each other that well).
okay and also, at the end of the night Will got all...soft and stuff and was all "call me anytime, okay" and whatnot and i was like uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh-oh. because i dont know...where i stand on all this. actually, im pretty sure i do. its not friends with benefits, because that would be tacky to the maxie, but its like hey. i think youre cute. you think im cute. im not getting some on my own. and i guess this just sort of happened. but...gah. i dont...want to date him i dont think. like, that is nooooot what i need right now and that is noooot what i am looking for, but i dont know if he is? i really dont know. i guess, in technicallities, you can say yeah, it was just a hookup. (dies)
but lets move on to wednesday. i promise its short.
i was talking to isaac who was like actually, im not trying to tease you when i ask if you like asian things, cuz i like them too and we got on the subject of sushi and so we decided to get some. i asked if Will liked sushi and so i guess it ended up as it was supposed to be the 3 of us. then isaac was like you know, you could just ask Will to take you for sushi, "im sure he'd love to" please royally fuck my life right now. noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dont do this pleaaaaase!
and then we ended up not going cuz it was too late (Will's text was: "convince me"; i did anything but mention taking anymore goddamn walks) and then i was hungry cuz i hadnt eaten anything but a kitkat. so i was talking to joe on facebook and we were both hungry so we went half-sies on a pizza (paul the pizza maker is slow and steve is an awful delivery guy, or "douche" as joe likes to call him--yay dominos pizza tracker \o/) and the pizza was good. i swear im not leading him on, we actually had a really good time. I SWEAR IM NOT LEADING HIM ON. GOD I CANT EVEN HAVE PIZZA WITH SOMEONE AT THIS POINT, ITS FUCKIN RIDICULOUS.
argh. i just..
i do not know what to do, guys.
iiiiiiiii really dont. i will probably not be kissing Will again. i will probably still hang out with both Will and joe again. maybe maybe not. but Will? i dont know what to do about that. hopefully it will die out. i really, really hope so. because we dont have anything going on, like i told joe, and...well, if he wanted to start something serious then he should have said so before he fucking kissed me. i know thats not fair to say on my part, but its kind of how i think. if you want to go on a date with someone, do not say "lets hang out", CLARIFY. otherwise, since i am retarded and naiive and i just assume that everything is plutonic (i really do, its my default), i will be tricked into a date, and you will be tricked into disappointment.
i..i dont even know if i have anything to say anymore. alkjsdfla.
i mean. to all boys: just...in general, please. dont try. because i will still be that untouchable girl. i will always be that untouchable girl. know that you are one out of a gazillion boys in the world, and probably like. 7 or so will be allowed in my little club. please assume that you are not one of them. im sorry, i really am, it sounds really shitty but just...i know what i like and i know who i like and if i am awkward and weird and i try to talk but dont around you, i probably like you. if not, you probably will catch me off guard because i will have no idea of whats running through your head.
man, i sound like a bitch but maybe its because this is ruining my friendships.
jared stopped talking to me, just so you know, and when he does he's being an asshole so i wont hang out with him. he's one of those all-or-nothings, and since i havent said anything but he figures im leaning towards the side of nothing (id rather just have in the fuckin middle, thank you), he's making me disappear.
and it really sucks.
so maybe thats why i just wish i could go back to being the awkward, harry potter geek i really am and really was back then, because i had a shit ton of more real friends and people arent afraid to talk to me. maybe thats why i wish they wouldnt try sometimes. i just want to be obscure for a second so people wont look at my face.
and no, linda the lady who just called ont he phone, i do not know how two students in kito equador can log into mybama.
anyways. lets end this on a good note. i got some. and man, did i need it. its weird, after, i didnt need it anymore lol. so i guess it was like when you REALLY REALLY WANT CHOCOLATE and you just have to frickin have it and then after you have even a little bite youre like wow. thats...thats really all that i really needed.
*sigh* boys are still retarded, but the guys at 4playerpodcast make me love them again. i dont know what to do, guys. i really dont. somebody control me, since i obviously cant do it myself.
fml ♥
Okay so i probably freaked some of you out with my post and some of you are probably fearing the worst, so let me just start by saying that my definition of "hooking up" (man i sound either really lame or like a mom--did i seriously just quote that?) is, generally speaking, doing anything that wouldnt fall under the behavior of normal, plutonic friends. like kissing, for example. or making out on a Rose Towers Dorm couch at 1 in the morning--what?
yeah. okay. uhm.
see. i dont....do this.
XD i know that sounds weird, probably, but i pride myself on being that girl, the one that people just assume, as with everyone else, that she's done stuff or whatever, or want to make a play for her, etc. i pride myself on being the girl that is also untouchable. because, for the most part, i am. it not only goes with my beliefs and my upbringing, though, and my personal preference and weird, controlling, perfectionist quirk that every "first" has to be PERFECT MOTHERFUCKER--, but it also makes me feel...special? different? unique? exclusive in a non-bitchy-self-righteous way? like, my experience with it, and i promise im not some conceited bitch, but my actual, personal experience is that when guys hear that ive had one boyfriend and didnt kiss until a month in and havent gone farther than that and such and such, is that theyre like "damn. can i do it?" its like a challenge for them, or something, idk, im not in their brain (nor do i want to be. that is a scary, scary place.)(actually sometimes i do but this is beside the point)
okay the point of that chunk of nonsense up there is that i.
do not.
hook up.
like kelly clarkson said in that totally catchy song that i ironically listened to before my relapse, I.
DO NOT.
HOOK UP.
i cannot stress this enough. this is why i have been shitting myself over the past two nights. it might not seem like much to a few of you, but remember. i. do not. hook up. i dont know why, i just dont. i made ryan wait a whole month before he could kiss me. doing it with someone im not even dating...it just doesnt happen.
beeeeeefore now. okay so also, more backstory (i promise ill get to the goods, bear with me or scroll if you want lol): you know those 1 or 2 weeks in between periods sorry, whether its the first two right after, the middle, or the end right before, and you are really. really. hot. for anything. for anything. yeah? well, im there. also, i havent kissed anyone in like. well, since august. you do the math
so Will and i go way back. not really. we met at a Pink House party (where APO, the theater honor society have crazy parties) and he started talking to me and yeah. then we saw each other again another time, and he had been drinking lol and so when we said goodbye, he leaned up (he was sitting down) and kissed my neck really lightly. needless to say, i FUCKING DIED INSIDE. lol he also was a jonas brother for halloween because HE FUCKING LOOKS LIKE ONE but no i swear hes cute, trust me. but okay obviously some attraction, right? and then i told him i kick ass in SSBros (er...thats only kind of a lie. im good with kirby, really!) and so hes like well i have a wii and im like oh ho ho is that a challenge and hes like yep and i was like shit. so i tried to get out of it a lot because i know im attracted to him and thats asking for trouble, but more importantly i dont want to talk shit and then get my ass beat. I DO HAVE SOME PRIDE. contrary to popular belief.
but so then, he said it was his birthday monday, but he wasnt going to be doing anything. and im like. *LONG-SUFFERING SIGH* fuck my life im going to go over there arent i.
the answer is yes, btw.
so i went over there and i did not bother to get cute or anything cuz i was completely in the mentality of no, jessica, you will control yourself, you dont hook up, you dont kiss people, you certainly will not kiss Will, and you will listen to what i say.
but he took a shower right before i came over.
RED FLAG RED FLAG
ABORT ABORT ABORT
so we went on the computer for a little bit and it was alright and then his roommate got off the damn xbox and we went and started playing and isaac his other roommate i met was playing with us, but the batteries were for shit and will kept running off the side uncontrollably and got all like, wound up and defensive and it was kind of a turn off so i was all "yessss i will control myself" but then i got really tired and i had a japanese final in the morning and isaac boned out and lets back up a little.
we also watched xmen, the first one, i forgot about that, and Will got up to put it in (...the dvd player, you pervert) and so i lay down in his spot playfully (oh my god, my mind is screaming at me, stop it, stop it now--) and when i let him sit down he said i could lay back down and i was smart and DIDNT HA HA--is that his arm behind the couch inching closer around me dear God it is. hes kind of forward, btw. i was like. ugh. fuck my life.
but okay so i got tired after ssbros or wolverine whichever one came second and then i lay down again and then he had gotten up but he came back and this time i DID lay my head in his lap i know i know and then my brain kicked my ass and i got up and called crimson ride, the transit service. PROGRESS. PROGRESS. GTFO NOW.
and then i was like okay well i should probably head down. i should probably go now.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaand then he reached forward, did the soft, lightly take the point of your chin and guide you forward thing, and then i was right there, and he was right there, and then the world went STRAIGHT TO FUCKING HELL.
and it started off innocent and then it wasnt and then he was pressed into the back of the couch and then i was pressed into the ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE COUCH on my back and the entire time my head was like NO. NO WHAT DID I TELL YOU. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW--DONT YOU DARE--*scandalized gasp* OH MY GOD THIS. IS STOPPING. RIGHT NOW-- and i couldnt hear it, sobbing.
in all fairness, he is a good kisser.
i had to call crimson ride again, and then we went down to wait for them, and he like, kind of touched/held my hand when we were talking waiting?? and i had a few light marks on my neck and oh god i am so embarrassed.
AND THEN I FUCKING DID IT AGAIN ARE YOU SERIOUS.
yeah okay so then there was a party at the pink house again, and i was like okay i can either go, be awkward, most likely get some, and feel guilty again or i can not go and keep my sanity HMMM. i went.
i also took my friend joe along and well. more on that at the end of this.
so im going to keep this one short. i KNEW what i was getting into, i KNEW i was asking for it, i KNEW it was going to happen, i KNEW I KNEW I FUCKING KNEW.
will wanted to "take a walk" IT WAS LIES IT WAS ALL LIES and i pushed it off like 4 times and then i gave in because hes cute and i was like FINE LETS TAKE THE FUCKING WALK. and so we went around the back of a house down a little alley god im so going to get murdered and there was a wall and then he was against it and heeeeeeeere we go again.
also, he likes necks. i approve. i looooove things done to my neck. can you tell im avoiding saying it outright? keeping it clean, people. ...ish. anyways.
but I like being the one on the wall (shut up tsuki. you too sarah.) and so i switched it around and lol there was this weird, fuckin board thing(?) we were standing on that kept like, moving and shit so we almost fell like 3 times and things got worse, but no i did not get hoisted up around his waist and no i did not hook my legs around his hips and i am a lying liar who lies.
ALTHOUGH.
i was like "my mom is coming in 2 days and if you give me a hickey so help me--"
and i was afraid he did but thankfully he didnt but boy did i do a number on him. apparently, im good at giving hickeys. really good. still, he wont stop teasing me about it and i am ridiculously embarassed about it. oh, yeah, and once i kiss people they know im the biggest tease in the world, i really am. i love being a tease. im sorry, im being honest, i really. really do. (i am a teaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa--)
lol oh and oh yeah when i was debating on whether to "go for a walk that is actually a lie" richie was behind Will and we were like, talking secretly and he was like "no, stop looking at richie--" and like turning around and trying to see what we were communicating and lol it was kind of funny and richie was giving me the go ahead but i was embarassed cuz i knew everyone knew and arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
BUT.
SO.
AWKWARD PART COMES.
that night, im on fbook and joe and i are talking about if he had fun or not, and he mentions my "DISAPPEARING" FML and then goes, somewhere along the lines of: i didnt know you and will had something going on, i guess its a bit awkward since i like you--
WAIT.
HOLD THE FUCK UP.
BACK UP. REWIND. WHAT?
fml. so joe tells me that he likes me and im like fuck this shit and i was super nice and stuff cuz i still want to hang out with him (thats semi-true, we dont know each other that well).
okay and also, at the end of the night Will got all...soft and stuff and was all "call me anytime, okay" and whatnot and i was like uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh-oh. because i dont know...where i stand on all this. actually, im pretty sure i do. its not friends with benefits, because that would be tacky to the maxie, but its like hey. i think youre cute. you think im cute. im not getting some on my own. and i guess this just sort of happened. but...gah. i dont...want to date him i dont think. like, that is nooooot what i need right now and that is noooot what i am looking for, but i dont know if he is? i really dont know. i guess, in technicallities, you can say yeah, it was just a hookup. (dies)
but lets move on to wednesday. i promise its short.
i was talking to isaac who was like actually, im not trying to tease you when i ask if you like asian things, cuz i like them too and we got on the subject of sushi and so we decided to get some. i asked if Will liked sushi and so i guess it ended up as it was supposed to be the 3 of us. then isaac was like you know, you could just ask Will to take you for sushi, "im sure he'd love to" please royally fuck my life right now. noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dont do this pleaaaaase!
and then we ended up not going cuz it was too late (Will's text was: "convince me"; i did anything but mention taking anymore goddamn walks) and then i was hungry cuz i hadnt eaten anything but a kitkat. so i was talking to joe on facebook and we were both hungry so we went half-sies on a pizza (paul the pizza maker is slow and steve is an awful delivery guy, or "douche" as joe likes to call him--yay dominos pizza tracker \o/) and the pizza was good. i swear im not leading him on, we actually had a really good time. I SWEAR IM NOT LEADING HIM ON. GOD I CANT EVEN HAVE PIZZA WITH SOMEONE AT THIS POINT, ITS FUCKIN RIDICULOUS.
argh. i just..
i do not know what to do, guys.
iiiiiiiii really dont. i will probably not be kissing Will again. i will probably still hang out with both Will and joe again. maybe maybe not. but Will? i dont know what to do about that. hopefully it will die out. i really, really hope so. because we dont have anything going on, like i told joe, and...well, if he wanted to start something serious then he should have said so before he fucking kissed me. i know thats not fair to say on my part, but its kind of how i think. if you want to go on a date with someone, do not say "lets hang out", CLARIFY. otherwise, since i am retarded and naiive and i just assume that everything is plutonic (i really do, its my default), i will be tricked into a date, and you will be tricked into disappointment.
i..i dont even know if i have anything to say anymore. alkjsdfla.
i mean. to all boys: just...in general, please. dont try. because i will still be that untouchable girl. i will always be that untouchable girl. know that you are one out of a gazillion boys in the world, and probably like. 7 or so will be allowed in my little club. please assume that you are not one of them. im sorry, i really am, it sounds really shitty but just...i know what i like and i know who i like and if i am awkward and weird and i try to talk but dont around you, i probably like you. if not, you probably will catch me off guard because i will have no idea of whats running through your head.
man, i sound like a bitch but maybe its because this is ruining my friendships.
jared stopped talking to me, just so you know, and when he does he's being an asshole so i wont hang out with him. he's one of those all-or-nothings, and since i havent said anything but he figures im leaning towards the side of nothing (id rather just have in the fuckin middle, thank you), he's making me disappear.
and it really sucks.
so maybe thats why i just wish i could go back to being the awkward, harry potter geek i really am and really was back then, because i had a shit ton of more real friends and people arent afraid to talk to me. maybe thats why i wish they wouldnt try sometimes. i just want to be obscure for a second so people wont look at my face.
and no, linda the lady who just called ont he phone, i do not know how two students in kito equador can log into mybama.
anyways. lets end this on a good note. i got some. and man, did i need it. its weird, after, i didnt need it anymore lol. so i guess it was like when you REALLY REALLY WANT CHOCOLATE and you just have to frickin have it and then after you have even a little bite youre like wow. thats...thats really all that i really needed.
*sigh* boys are still retarded, but the guys at 4playerpodcast make me love them again. i dont know what to do, guys. i really dont. somebody control me, since i obviously cant do it myself.
fml ♥