(no subject)
In case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see, this is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees and these foolish games are tearing me apart. You'd teach me of honest things, things that were daring, things that were clean, things that knew what an honest dollar did mean. Somewhere along the line I must have gone off track with you. Excuse me, guess Ive mistaken you for someone else: somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself, and these foolish games are tearing me apart and your thoughtless words are breaking my heart. Youre breaking my heart. -Jewel
FUCK. This is how easily Jewel can sum up my life, and its NOT GOOD when she can sum up your life because she is sooo fucking depressing. So, needless to say this song has been on repeat today. I think it honestly is the first day that I have thought Chris is a bad person. While this may seem really weird, I really think it is. I have been relying on the image of the person that I first met and fell in love with. The sensitive, heart on his sleeve, goofy guy that really was excited to be in a relationship with me. Unfortunately, he changed completely and essentially freaked out. He was doing things he didnt know why and was trying to figure things out. In the end, he either figured out that I was the problem or took that unanswerable and translated into our own relationship. He did not know why he was treating me the way he was and frankly just gave up after our first fight. Until now I have told myself that he is going through something and have been searching for that person that i met. Im not the type of person who will let people get to be so different, so awful from their true character. what scares me is that this is his true character and i met him at an off time. thats probably me being the dramatic though. in a coversation where we talked about expectations, he said "if you have low expectations for someone, they will always surprise you for the better" and i think its perfect. i still have higher expectations for him and want to see that he is that person that i met and that he doesnt have to become the stable but ugly person that he is right now. I think I know him well enough to know that he is freaking out about graduating and getting a stable job and such which is completely understandable. Unfortunately, I always told myself that I would never make excuses for someone I was dating. I have vowed that I would never be that girl who would say "oh well he's really busy right now" or "we can meet later" for the tenth time when the person treats me like shit. I frankly cant believe that we broke up after fighting once. Last week he texted me with ND stuff and that started a few texts back and forth. I also IMed him on valentines day and talked to him briefly when he was wasted and at a party. My dilemma presents itself in this weekend. Its my birthday and I will be home on thursday night and friday. I need your advise whether or not to text him and let him know that I am coming home and see if he wants to meet for coffee. Part of me wants to and part of me is really really afraid of being rejected. Please advise. I really do miss him, he became my best friend and its a loss that has been harder on me than what i expected. Tell me what is better because I need to protect myself from myself at this point.
In some sense, my life in san diego is getting somewhat more stable. I work out almost every day and have balanced a social life, school and work, which is something I really have never been able to do. I contacted a local parish and was invited to maybe get involved in their youth program which is something that has been out of my life for far too long. I loved ministry and felt the most confident and most true to myself in that time. I think incorporating that into my life will center myself again and will not allow me to not stand on either of my two feet like last semester. Last semester I was merely a pawn to work and school and even my relationship with chris because i was so in debt, i was taking 18 units and i only had an alloted time to be with chris. I am filled with such regret that in their last semesters at school I was not able to spend more time with carly and kristen. they are seriously my center and my strength at san diego and i neglected them in their last semester. In a book i was reading a favorite line read "its always harder to be the one left behind" and its true. i think of them all the time (carl, still havent been able to go to tandoor without u two) and though self serving, more today when i was in my room sobbing about my frustration with chris. i always seem to abandon relationships when i need to prize them the most and frankly i think its because i cant deal with the impending loss. like i said, this semester is still picking up the pieces, i lost carly, kristen and chris when i came back to san diego. Now, in a sense, i am clinging harder to breon, nick and gill. kinz and i are better but still same problems as before. This semester is really trying my own strength and Im learning to manage, but it is still hard. At this point, two quotes come to mind:
Wish I had what I needed to be on my own cuz I feel so defeated and Im feeling alone, and it all seems so helpless, like i have no plan, Im a plane in the sunset with no where to land. -switchfoot (of course)
My prayer is that I find somewhere to land and that it makes me happy.
This just might hurt a little
love hurts sometimes when you do it right
dont be afraid of a little bit of pain
pleasure is on the other side.
Let down your guard just a little
i'll keep you safe in these arms of mine
-John Legend
My other prayer is that I did do it right and thats why carly, kris and chris hurt as much as they do.
FUCK. This is how easily Jewel can sum up my life, and its NOT GOOD when she can sum up your life because she is sooo fucking depressing. So, needless to say this song has been on repeat today. I think it honestly is the first day that I have thought Chris is a bad person. While this may seem really weird, I really think it is. I have been relying on the image of the person that I first met and fell in love with. The sensitive, heart on his sleeve, goofy guy that really was excited to be in a relationship with me. Unfortunately, he changed completely and essentially freaked out. He was doing things he didnt know why and was trying to figure things out. In the end, he either figured out that I was the problem or took that unanswerable and translated into our own relationship. He did not know why he was treating me the way he was and frankly just gave up after our first fight. Until now I have told myself that he is going through something and have been searching for that person that i met. Im not the type of person who will let people get to be so different, so awful from their true character. what scares me is that this is his true character and i met him at an off time. thats probably me being the dramatic though. in a coversation where we talked about expectations, he said "if you have low expectations for someone, they will always surprise you for the better" and i think its perfect. i still have higher expectations for him and want to see that he is that person that i met and that he doesnt have to become the stable but ugly person that he is right now. I think I know him well enough to know that he is freaking out about graduating and getting a stable job and such which is completely understandable. Unfortunately, I always told myself that I would never make excuses for someone I was dating. I have vowed that I would never be that girl who would say "oh well he's really busy right now" or "we can meet later" for the tenth time when the person treats me like shit. I frankly cant believe that we broke up after fighting once. Last week he texted me with ND stuff and that started a few texts back and forth. I also IMed him on valentines day and talked to him briefly when he was wasted and at a party. My dilemma presents itself in this weekend. Its my birthday and I will be home on thursday night and friday. I need your advise whether or not to text him and let him know that I am coming home and see if he wants to meet for coffee. Part of me wants to and part of me is really really afraid of being rejected. Please advise. I really do miss him, he became my best friend and its a loss that has been harder on me than what i expected. Tell me what is better because I need to protect myself from myself at this point.
In some sense, my life in san diego is getting somewhat more stable. I work out almost every day and have balanced a social life, school and work, which is something I really have never been able to do. I contacted a local parish and was invited to maybe get involved in their youth program which is something that has been out of my life for far too long. I loved ministry and felt the most confident and most true to myself in that time. I think incorporating that into my life will center myself again and will not allow me to not stand on either of my two feet like last semester. Last semester I was merely a pawn to work and school and even my relationship with chris because i was so in debt, i was taking 18 units and i only had an alloted time to be with chris. I am filled with such regret that in their last semesters at school I was not able to spend more time with carly and kristen. they are seriously my center and my strength at san diego and i neglected them in their last semester. In a book i was reading a favorite line read "its always harder to be the one left behind" and its true. i think of them all the time (carl, still havent been able to go to tandoor without u two) and though self serving, more today when i was in my room sobbing about my frustration with chris. i always seem to abandon relationships when i need to prize them the most and frankly i think its because i cant deal with the impending loss. like i said, this semester is still picking up the pieces, i lost carly, kristen and chris when i came back to san diego. Now, in a sense, i am clinging harder to breon, nick and gill. kinz and i are better but still same problems as before. This semester is really trying my own strength and Im learning to manage, but it is still hard. At this point, two quotes come to mind:
Wish I had what I needed to be on my own cuz I feel so defeated and Im feeling alone, and it all seems so helpless, like i have no plan, Im a plane in the sunset with no where to land. -switchfoot (of course)
My prayer is that I find somewhere to land and that it makes me happy.
This just might hurt a little
love hurts sometimes when you do it right
dont be afraid of a little bit of pain
pleasure is on the other side.
Let down your guard just a little
i'll keep you safe in these arms of mine
-John Legend
My other prayer is that I did do it right and thats why carly, kris and chris hurt as much as they do.