Blue Roses
ok hodgiz....two nights in a row for ya hun*
wow...I am in a right state right now...a complete wreck...i am falling apart...piece by stupid piece....the things that are going on around me....they're tearing me apart...the words i say, don't come out right...and the smiles i put on are all too fake.
I want to believe this is just some stage I am going through...but it's gettin worse as I try to go on...like...no matter how hard i try..it's not gettin me anywhere...i work so hard...and still don't get anywhere...but see little snot-nosed brats having the world handed to them...and i want so much from life...but i don't know what i want...and i feel like screaming...cuz i feel so insignificant...and i feel like crying...but the tears won't come...
i feel like a liar...like nothing i say matters anymore...or that i am speaking lies...and hearing people tell me how great i am or something...kills me cuz i feel worthless...and like i am undeserving of positive attention...or love...or anything that a normal person truly deserves...
and i am scared for myself...because i don't feel right in church....like my prayers aren't really sincere anymore...like my praises are mandatory...and i am so inattentive during service...i think i might need to take a break...but that would make me even more vulnerable to these attacks against my sanity.
maybe that's it...im goin insane...that would explain the sudden urge to cry all the time...the insomnia...lack of good sleep....depression/energy spurts....my shaking...
even when i try to make certain things right...i fail...violently...and it makes me die a little more inside....
i want things to be right again....i don't want to feel like this...i want to be sane...happy...normal...but i guess if you look at me...im far from any of those things...im miserable...a good actress....but miserable...and im tired of puttin on the fake face for even more fake people...because then no one tries to help...cuz they think im fine...and i hate myself inside...
wow...I am in a right state right now...a complete wreck...i am falling apart...piece by stupid piece....the things that are going on around me....they're tearing me apart...the words i say, don't come out right...and the smiles i put on are all too fake.
I want to believe this is just some stage I am going through...but it's gettin worse as I try to go on...like...no matter how hard i try..it's not gettin me anywhere...i work so hard...and still don't get anywhere...but see little snot-nosed brats having the world handed to them...and i want so much from life...but i don't know what i want...and i feel like screaming...cuz i feel so insignificant...and i feel like crying...but the tears won't come...
i feel like a liar...like nothing i say matters anymore...or that i am speaking lies...and hearing people tell me how great i am or something...kills me cuz i feel worthless...and like i am undeserving of positive attention...or love...or anything that a normal person truly deserves...
and i am scared for myself...because i don't feel right in church....like my prayers aren't really sincere anymore...like my praises are mandatory...and i am so inattentive during service...i think i might need to take a break...but that would make me even more vulnerable to these attacks against my sanity.
maybe that's it...im goin insane...that would explain the sudden urge to cry all the time...the insomnia...lack of good sleep....depression/energy spurts....my shaking...
even when i try to make certain things right...i fail...violently...and it makes me die a little more inside....
i want things to be right again....i don't want to feel like this...i want to be sane...happy...normal...but i guess if you look at me...im far from any of those things...im miserable...a good actress....but miserable...and im tired of puttin on the fake face for even more fake people...because then no one tries to help...cuz they think im fine...and i hate myself inside...