Puny Human
Here's a bit of advice from me to you, young'un, garnered from years of experience. If you still feel a little "under the weather" thanks to overdoing it on Christmas, and you have to work on Tuesday, and you think it would be a good idea to have a Guiness and shepherd's pie for lunch, you're wrong. It's the toxins talking. You might as well eat a pound of turkey laced with 'ludes. The Sandman is knocking at my cubicle, and I'm trying to push him away with a Bloc Party album, but it's not quite working. There's so few people in the office today, though, I think I could pass out and start snoring, and no one would notice.
I was so unbelievably hung over on Xmas Day +1. No headache, no twirly stomach, I just felt queasy and dizzy and ill all day. It was like being drunk but robbed of all the joy of inebriation. The last times I felt so bad, alcohol-related, was Bachelor Road Trip and Bachelor Evening.
Bachelor Road Trip: We arrived in Cooperstown, with nothing to do but play cards and drink, so we did, for like 12 hours. I woke up the next day, without having eaten anything but a Cinnabon the afternoon before, and I seriously felt like I was dying. It hurt to be alive. I was saved by a very large cheeseburger and a few rounds of World Series Baseball 1999.
Bachelor Evening: After an evening of Italian food, old school video games, karaoke, and burritos, I woke up the next day with the most lingering hangover I've ever had. It wasn't the worst, but it was the one that most refused to leave, no matter how much Vitamin Water I fed it. And for some reason, my neck was killing me. It felt like someone turned a little dial at the back of my head and tightened every single muscle and tendon in my neck. It was so bad I couldn't go to sleep that night, because I couldn't find any way to lay down that wasn't excruciating. To alcohol!
The only thing that's made me feel human was "Hulk: Ultimate Destruction," which my cousin got me for Christmas. Here's the premise of "Hulk: Ultimate Destruction": you're the Hulk and you break shit. Yeah, there's missions and stuff, but it's a lot like Grand Theft Auto. Why bother accomplishing goals when there's a whole world you can turn to rubble? It's a game that demands to be played in a room full of people, so you can all laugh your asses off while watching the Hulk throw a terrified scientist at a helicopter.
Speaking of awesome things that are awesome, I got my brother the "Warriors" PS2 game, which is possibly one of the worst things I've ever done. See, before I played it, I could pretend that I didn't need it, that I had plenty of video games already. Now I've seen it in action, and I hunger for its touch.
I was so unbelievably hung over on Xmas Day +1. No headache, no twirly stomach, I just felt queasy and dizzy and ill all day. It was like being drunk but robbed of all the joy of inebriation. The last times I felt so bad, alcohol-related, was Bachelor Road Trip and Bachelor Evening.
Bachelor Road Trip: We arrived in Cooperstown, with nothing to do but play cards and drink, so we did, for like 12 hours. I woke up the next day, without having eaten anything but a Cinnabon the afternoon before, and I seriously felt like I was dying. It hurt to be alive. I was saved by a very large cheeseburger and a few rounds of World Series Baseball 1999.
Bachelor Evening: After an evening of Italian food, old school video games, karaoke, and burritos, I woke up the next day with the most lingering hangover I've ever had. It wasn't the worst, but it was the one that most refused to leave, no matter how much Vitamin Water I fed it. And for some reason, my neck was killing me. It felt like someone turned a little dial at the back of my head and tightened every single muscle and tendon in my neck. It was so bad I couldn't go to sleep that night, because I couldn't find any way to lay down that wasn't excruciating. To alcohol!
The only thing that's made me feel human was "Hulk: Ultimate Destruction," which my cousin got me for Christmas. Here's the premise of "Hulk: Ultimate Destruction": you're the Hulk and you break shit. Yeah, there's missions and stuff, but it's a lot like Grand Theft Auto. Why bother accomplishing goals when there's a whole world you can turn to rubble? It's a game that demands to be played in a room full of people, so you can all laugh your asses off while watching the Hulk throw a terrified scientist at a helicopter.
Speaking of awesome things that are awesome, I got my brother the "Warriors" PS2 game, which is possibly one of the worst things I've ever done. See, before I played it, I could pretend that I didn't need it, that I had plenty of video games already. Now I've seen it in action, and I hunger for its touch.