(no subject)
'Round this time last year, I inveighed against "The Little Drummer Boy," a holiday song that drives me insane--not just because it's a bad song. I'm actually not opposed to it on a purely musical level. And even if I was, I don't think that's a good reason to pen a diatribe. For instance, "Jingle Bell Rock" is one of the most retarded things ever recorded (including "Do the Retard" by El Trio Retardo), but it's just a bad song, that's all. "The Little Drummer Boy" I find distasteful, hypocritical, and intelligence-insulting. If you don't remember or don't feel like digging for last year's post, my basic points were thus:
(1) Where the hell does a "poor boy" in Biblical Palestine get a drum from?
(2) How is a young boy flailing away on his drum a present? Mary probably just got the infant to sleep and up comes Ancient Teenage Would-Be John Bonham to wake him up. Good job, douche.
(3) The baby "smiled" at you? Y'ever seen a newborn? Thing can barely open its eyes. Newborns don't smile--they cry and feed and shit. That's it.
(4) The song expresses a touchy-feely religiosity that means nothing. If the idea of Jesus makes you a little bit uncomfortable, hey, here's a cutesy little story involving children that doesn't appear in the Bible. It's the same reason why people believe in angels--it makes no demands on them at all, raises no uncomfortable questions. Angels don't cause/allow hurricanes and terrorists. Hurray!
This year, I've decided to tackle a more modern tune: "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
Seriously, I never heard this song until maybe last year, possibly two Yules ago. I'd heard of it, but I think it took the mass OMG I HEART THE 80S movement to bring it back into heavy Xmas rotation. Another 80s holiday song similarly revived: the truly rotten Paul McCartney song, "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time." That piece of crap sounds like it was recorded by Nerf. Nerf instruments, Nerf compressors, Nerf reel-to-reel. But like "Jingle Bell Rock," it's a bad song, no more, whereas "Do They Know It's Christmas" has a little more going for it in the Suck Department. Although production wise, it's just as bad as Sir Paul's tune. Too much Yamaha DX-7, no low end, and terrible "drums".
Okay, I know this one was a "We Are the World" kinda thing, recorded to raise dough for Ethiopian famine relief. But I'm pretty much opposed on principle to anything that helps Bono feel even more sanctimonious. And it's got a little bit too much "White Man's Burden" in it for my taste.
"And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time." GEE, YOU THINK?! You know what would happen if it snowed in Ethiopia? First of all, it would melt before it hit the ground, but assuming it started to blanket the earth, the starving people would only think God had blighted them further. "Great, no food, no water--and now I have to shovel."
"Where nothing ever grows/No rain or river flows" Kinda harsh, don't you think? If Ethiopia was a place where nothing at all could grow and there was no precipitation, nobody would live there (see: The Sahara). The great famine of the 80s was caused by drought and exacerbated by a corrupt Stalinist government warring with nearby Eritrea--which was further worsened by American-backed Eritrean forces that controlled the ports, thus cutting off the nation from what little trade it could manage. But, you know, it's hard to rhyme about Cold War sword rattling and geopolitical maneuvers.
"Do they know it's Christmas time at all?" Well, that depends. There's plenty of Christians in Ethiopia, so they probably know--or rather, they know about their own Orthodox Christmas, which is January 7. Muslims and animists probably neither know nor care. The same would go for the smattering of Ethiopian Jews left in-country. But I would hazard a guess that for most of the nation of Ethiopia, December 25 holds no significant meaning.
Also, not every damn country in the world has a month-long orgy of shopping and debt accumulation--not every country in the world has a consumption/debt-driven economy, as do most Western nations now. Not only that, but the idea of a Season of Magic and Wonder and Whimsy is largely a Western creation, fostered by Charles Dickens and the Hollywood myth makers. A good chunk of the world, regardless of religion, doesn't spend an entire month feeling jolly. What we think of as Christmas is something that's sprung up in the last 100-150 years, something that hasn't taken hold everywhere in the world. So even in the best of times, would Ethiopians know it's Christmastime? Not the way we do, and they'd probably be okay.
"Tonight thank God it's them instead of you." Geez, for a bunch of do-gooders, you guys are sure acting like dicks.
(1) Where the hell does a "poor boy" in Biblical Palestine get a drum from?
(2) How is a young boy flailing away on his drum a present? Mary probably just got the infant to sleep and up comes Ancient Teenage Would-Be John Bonham to wake him up. Good job, douche.
(3) The baby "smiled" at you? Y'ever seen a newborn? Thing can barely open its eyes. Newborns don't smile--they cry and feed and shit. That's it.
(4) The song expresses a touchy-feely religiosity that means nothing. If the idea of Jesus makes you a little bit uncomfortable, hey, here's a cutesy little story involving children that doesn't appear in the Bible. It's the same reason why people believe in angels--it makes no demands on them at all, raises no uncomfortable questions. Angels don't cause/allow hurricanes and terrorists. Hurray!
This year, I've decided to tackle a more modern tune: "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
Seriously, I never heard this song until maybe last year, possibly two Yules ago. I'd heard of it, but I think it took the mass OMG I HEART THE 80S movement to bring it back into heavy Xmas rotation. Another 80s holiday song similarly revived: the truly rotten Paul McCartney song, "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time." That piece of crap sounds like it was recorded by Nerf. Nerf instruments, Nerf compressors, Nerf reel-to-reel. But like "Jingle Bell Rock," it's a bad song, no more, whereas "Do They Know It's Christmas" has a little more going for it in the Suck Department. Although production wise, it's just as bad as Sir Paul's tune. Too much Yamaha DX-7, no low end, and terrible "drums".
Okay, I know this one was a "We Are the World" kinda thing, recorded to raise dough for Ethiopian famine relief. But I'm pretty much opposed on principle to anything that helps Bono feel even more sanctimonious. And it's got a little bit too much "White Man's Burden" in it for my taste.
"And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time." GEE, YOU THINK?! You know what would happen if it snowed in Ethiopia? First of all, it would melt before it hit the ground, but assuming it started to blanket the earth, the starving people would only think God had blighted them further. "Great, no food, no water--and now I have to shovel."
"Where nothing ever grows/No rain or river flows" Kinda harsh, don't you think? If Ethiopia was a place where nothing at all could grow and there was no precipitation, nobody would live there (see: The Sahara). The great famine of the 80s was caused by drought and exacerbated by a corrupt Stalinist government warring with nearby Eritrea--which was further worsened by American-backed Eritrean forces that controlled the ports, thus cutting off the nation from what little trade it could manage. But, you know, it's hard to rhyme about Cold War sword rattling and geopolitical maneuvers.
"Do they know it's Christmas time at all?" Well, that depends. There's plenty of Christians in Ethiopia, so they probably know--or rather, they know about their own Orthodox Christmas, which is January 7. Muslims and animists probably neither know nor care. The same would go for the smattering of Ethiopian Jews left in-country. But I would hazard a guess that for most of the nation of Ethiopia, December 25 holds no significant meaning.
Also, not every damn country in the world has a month-long orgy of shopping and debt accumulation--not every country in the world has a consumption/debt-driven economy, as do most Western nations now. Not only that, but the idea of a Season of Magic and Wonder and Whimsy is largely a Western creation, fostered by Charles Dickens and the Hollywood myth makers. A good chunk of the world, regardless of religion, doesn't spend an entire month feeling jolly. What we think of as Christmas is something that's sprung up in the last 100-150 years, something that hasn't taken hold everywhere in the world. So even in the best of times, would Ethiopians know it's Christmastime? Not the way we do, and they'd probably be okay.
"Tonight thank God it's them instead of you." Geez, for a bunch of do-gooders, you guys are sure acting like dicks.