season ending injuries
At virtually the last minute yesterday, I was told there was one week left of OfficeOps live radio. I got this news around 3 pm, which may seem like ample time to prepare for a one-hour radio show at 7. But I'm not a stop-on-a-dime kinda guy. I'm more like a freight train--I need at least five miles to come to a complete stop. If you want me to go out and have drinks after work, you better let me know three weeks in advance. Not because I have so many conflicting obligations, but because doing things at the spur of the moment really unnerves me. Can't tell you why, but that's just the way I is. Some people throw a suitcase together and jet off to Scotland for the weekend. Me, I need a week's worth of lead time to plan a trip to Key Food.
But yesterday I decided, screw it, perhaps being more spontaneous would be good for my soul. So I went home, tossed a bunch of records in a plastic bag, and drove to Bushwick. Normally, I program a playlist via iTunes and burn two discs to switch between, but I thought I'd try to wing it like normal DJs do. This turned out to be a colossal mistake, mostly due to my ineptitude in using the station's turntable.
I almost never played vinyl during my shows, but because I'm a genius, I thought bringing in a whole lot of records would be a good idea for my last show. Turntables are testy machines, as I'm sure you know. The one I was saddled with insisted it had FAST START TECHNOLOGY, but it definitely overstated its prowess. Whenever I positioned the tone arm in the right spot and pressed START, the turntable was slow to get up to normal speed, and it sounded like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. After a few pathetic attempts, I tried starting the record and placing the needle by hand. But dropping the needle on the right spot is a skill for which my caffeine-addled hands are not suited. Whenever I thought I'd just about placed the needle correctly, my hand would jerk violently to the right, and I'd get the last 15 seconds of the previous song. It's a good thing I'm not a surgeon.
This failure leached into the rest of the program. Although I rarely prepare my remarks, last night I was pathetically unready to speak to the masses. I hemmed and hawed on the subject of not being very good at throwing things together at the last minute--spontaneously proving my stuttering statements true. In short, it was the worst show I ever did, even worse than my first few fumbling attempts, and it made me question if I really have the skills to perform in any medium. I've contemplated getting back into the whole comedy thing, with an improv class last year and toying with stand-up material. Last night made me think the only way I'm gonna stand in front of an audience again is if the crowd is a firing squad.
My sincere apologies to anyone who might have listened in. It really sucked and I shouldn't have tried to do something so totally new to me on my last show. Your money shall be refunded forthwith.