(no subject)
I sometimes wonder if I am not a very interesting person. I have opinions on things- as anyone who's met me certainly knows- and dreams, and motivation, but when it really comes down to it, so much of my life is spent wondering how I compare to the rest of the world instead of going out there and making myself a legitimate competitor in the often overwhelming scheme of things.
Am I afraid of life? I suppose it's possible. Maybe I'm afraid of failure. Maybe I've been promising myself I'd get in shape and become a worthwhile person on the outside for so long that I won't feel complete until I actually do. Maybe I'm hiding behind my religion instead of living my life in the faith that God's there directing my path if I'm willing to walk in the direction He wants me to go in. Maybe I'm afraid of boys because it's easier to avoid them and have an excuse than to put yourself out there and not be wanted. So many maybes. And in this crazy, fast-paced city of people who not only have a direction, but are moving towards it at a sometimes overwhelming pace, it's hard not to take a moment to look inside and wonder if what you have to offer, whatever that is, is so phenomenally inadequate that it's a wonder you haven't figured it out already for yourself.
I had a dream during my nap where I was in war and there was a sea of arrows coming at us. It was like Mulan meets The Last Samurai meets Lagaan. Even in my dream I was terrified at the idea of dying, but then, with no segue whatsoever (as there never really is in dreams) I was in a makeshift tent in the middle of the battlefied, talking to a woman who reminded me of the grandmother in Mulan. And she was telling me something about why we were fighting. I can't remember her exact words, but it was something to the effect of "Freedom comes at a great cost, and sometimes in the middle of the fight it seems that it isn't even worth what must be sacrificed. But without freedom, life is a lie, a facade, filled with fear where actions aren't determined by the individual, but by another who decides what is important without even knowing the person. Life can't be controlled by fear, and that's why we must fight for our freedom." I don't know what significance that has to anything, but it was one of those dreams that, though I can't remember her words exactly, was a dream I was supposed to remember.
Am I afraid of life? I suppose it's possible. Maybe I'm afraid of failure. Maybe I've been promising myself I'd get in shape and become a worthwhile person on the outside for so long that I won't feel complete until I actually do. Maybe I'm hiding behind my religion instead of living my life in the faith that God's there directing my path if I'm willing to walk in the direction He wants me to go in. Maybe I'm afraid of boys because it's easier to avoid them and have an excuse than to put yourself out there and not be wanted. So many maybes. And in this crazy, fast-paced city of people who not only have a direction, but are moving towards it at a sometimes overwhelming pace, it's hard not to take a moment to look inside and wonder if what you have to offer, whatever that is, is so phenomenally inadequate that it's a wonder you haven't figured it out already for yourself.
I had a dream during my nap where I was in war and there was a sea of arrows coming at us. It was like Mulan meets The Last Samurai meets Lagaan. Even in my dream I was terrified at the idea of dying, but then, with no segue whatsoever (as there never really is in dreams) I was in a makeshift tent in the middle of the battlefied, talking to a woman who reminded me of the grandmother in Mulan. And she was telling me something about why we were fighting. I can't remember her exact words, but it was something to the effect of "Freedom comes at a great cost, and sometimes in the middle of the fight it seems that it isn't even worth what must be sacrificed. But without freedom, life is a lie, a facade, filled with fear where actions aren't determined by the individual, but by another who decides what is important without even knowing the person. Life can't be controlled by fear, and that's why we must fight for our freedom." I don't know what significance that has to anything, but it was one of those dreams that, though I can't remember her words exactly, was a dream I was supposed to remember.