(no subject)
This thing...jeez i never know what to post in here anymore. I love
writing big old long butt Kansas posts, but sometimes i feel i just
don't have the energy. I'm guessing this post will be one of those
next. I'm actually writing this b/c i was inspired by Shan's amazing
post on her MySpace. At first, i didn't really get it when i started
reading it. It didn't really make sense. So i put it into my own
perspective on MY life, MY love. I don't know when things will start
going MY way...i know that sounds so selfish of me. And i'm guilty as
charged for thinking that. I'm just tired of other people getting all
the things i want && pretty much need. People that don't really
appreciate the love && sincerity of the matter. Lately, i've
become infatuated with Johnny Cash. And when i say infatuated, i mean
INFATUATED. I listen to the Walk The Line soundtrack every chance i
get, or yet i read my Johnny Cash autobiography book when i'm not
listening to the music. I really don't know the exact reason for this
admiration, it just came. Acutally, one of the reasons i love his
music, is that he put himself after everyone else. He put his life in
other people's shoes. Looked at life differently than others. Some
people may say he wasn't worth a dime back in the day when all he did
was smoke, drink, && do drugs. But i look past all that. I
think that's one of my gifts, looking past the bad in people. Not
judging them by the outside, but looking deep in the inside. Some say
it's not a gift...they say it's just being afraid of the truth,
&& not wanting to face what is already being ubtained. But i
don't think of it that way. If people didn't look at the good in
people, then where would our country be? Where would I be? Where would you be?
But i'm getting off subject, which i've been doing recently. Another
strong thing i admire about Johnny Cash was he knew what he loved
&& he went for it. He never stopped && tried to find
other things to replace it or live up to it. And i deeply respect him
for that. One of those things was his music && style. He loved
gospel. He loved singing to God with all his might, even when others
didn't. He stuck to his heritage as well. He had a rough child-hood, so
he sang about his rough childhood. He loved June Carter, so he sang
about his love for her. His voice sang words that he himself couldn't
have spoken...not even to himself. He knew what he wanted to sing
about. So that's what he sang. He never let people change the words to
his song or change the rhythm...if he liked it...that was it. Let it be
recorded. I wish people were like that today. Know exactly what they
want && then going for it, not stopping along the way
&& settling for less. Or letting people change their routes
&& their roads they need to travel. He never let people
influence him. I admire that respectively. Another thing i respect
about Johnny was that he wasn't afraid of love. He never once rejected
love...he let it overtake him like a flood. He knew what he
loved...&& that love was June Carter. If only words could
express the love he had for June. I can't express how much this makes
me yearn for love even more than before. Even though he had a wife,
when he laid eyes on June Carter, he didn't hesitate one bit. He went
right up to her && said that he loved her && that they
were soul mates. He told all of his buddies not to lay a hand on her or
he'd "shoot them in the head right then 'n there." Love was just
understatement for these two. For close to 20 years, the only place
that Johnny && June could share their love was on stage in
front of 10,000 people. But boy, did they love! For 20 years, they
stayed by eachother's side. June took care of Johnny more than anyone.
If anyone was there beside him anywhere he went, it was her. Through
everything, through think && thin, June was right there taking
care of him. B/c she loved him. With a deep passion that is. Today, it
overthrows me how much people think they love someone. Sometimes, it
makes me laugh, but deep down i'm burning with jealousy. It seems like
everyone has their "Johnny && June" relationship, but i think
it's a lie. I know that's pretty bold, it sounded bold, but that's what
i think. If people only heard the cries && saw the tears of
one's heart. In this, i'm speaking of me. If you only heard me, for
just once...if you'd just listen. You might say you hear, but that
doesn't mean you listen. I know deep down in my heart that if would let
something go && not be afraid of what && is to come,
then you'd be mine. Yes, that was bold. Bold && true. I
remember reading in my book && also in Walk The Line, Johnny
said: "I don't know what i'd do without June. She's God's angel given
to me, without her i wouldn't be here. She's my everything. And I love
her till the day i die." I envy that. But i know without a shadow of a
doubt, i will have that one day. I promise you, Moses, i will! It may
not be now, or the time i want it, but i will in my born days. I will
find love. Just like Johnny found love. This post didn't quite turn out
the way i thought it would. I didn't expect it to be a Johnny Cash type
post, but i guess my life just turns out that way. But this is truly
whats been on my heart. YOU. YOU && ME. if you'd only see,
gosh, if you could only see. But one day you will, i know this. One day
those blinders will come off your eyes, && you'll see me for
the first time. You'll fall so deep in love that you'll dround yourself
in it. You'll come up to me && tell me that we're meant to be
together..yes oh yes, that day awaits. You'll pick me up &&
hold me close, your arms around my side && whisper to me
slowly..."The wonder of it all is that you don't realize how much i love you until you're in my arms."
♥
♥