How you found me out I still never understand
It's been like what 4 years? Maybe more. I've mulled over this fact many times since then, its always ended in a resigned sort of way; it's something that I refer to as "something I used to do", but had inevitably grown out of. I don't really know how its something I could really 'grow out of' because it seems like no growing has evolved; stopping this has in no way indicated that I've some how grown as a person. If anything, its made me devolve a little; letting me complacent about who I am, and letting me be lackluster in any attempt to improve myself.
And this is the real reason that I'm coming back to this; maybe as a way to point out to myself where the improvements need to be made, and to remind me so that I don't stop trying like it seems like I have been for this few years.
I realized that somewhere in my life, I stopped being some type of comfort to the people closest to me. I think about it now, and I don't remember the last time that coming to me was for comfort, and not out of necessity, obligation, or expectation. I realized that what I have done is consistently force my problems onto others, without any regards to how I could in any way alleviate them. And I understand now, it shouldn't be about giving back for everything I take, but there should be some sort of giving back involved in the process, and I realize I've lacked in that a lot. I think I struggle with that though because I instantly equate that to whatever I have taken, and really what I need isn't what everyone else needs. I forget that sometimes, thinking by offering the same thing that I just received, that that would be enough.
Thats not necessarily true. And if I am so daft at understanding people because I'm so self-absorbed over the issue that no one understands me, well then it might be more difficult for me to ever hope that I can offer nearly as much as I currently take. So instead, I'm going to take less. That's what I'm resigned to do. I'm going to take less from everybody, and half it is just this: being heard. I can be heard through myself. I can be the person to remember what I want to be remembered, so that my thoughts aren't lost in the abyss. I realize I'm so desperate for other people to agree with me, but it isn't necessary. I feel like I should give up on validation because it never comes. Its selfish to expect it when I can't give it back anymore. I used to be able. I used to be less stubborn and be able to see when I am in the wrong. I keep battling with this idea that I am in the wrong and that I should have stomached it, but I'm so caught up in this indignant attitude that I can't really answer the question. I can't will myself to come to the conclusion that I could years ago; that maybe I still had more to learn that they could teach me. I'm so lost right now, because before I could see where they were right, but I can't see that anymore. I've stopped developing and all I can see is my own opinions; I'm as useless as the thing I look down upon. How can I be progressive when I've closed off my mind?
I don't think I'm happy. I have so much doubt in my decision. I don't feel proud of what I've done, and I'm at this point where I'm playing the what-if game a lot. I didn't do that then. It was mildly done, but with no real plan to actually try to reverse it. Now I've been playing that game a lot, thinking about all the scenarios that could come out of this, all which involve giving up, backing out, changing my mind.
Really, I'm just not sure anymore. I think some things never change. My desperation seems to be one of them.
And this is the real reason that I'm coming back to this; maybe as a way to point out to myself where the improvements need to be made, and to remind me so that I don't stop trying like it seems like I have been for this few years.
I realized that somewhere in my life, I stopped being some type of comfort to the people closest to me. I think about it now, and I don't remember the last time that coming to me was for comfort, and not out of necessity, obligation, or expectation. I realized that what I have done is consistently force my problems onto others, without any regards to how I could in any way alleviate them. And I understand now, it shouldn't be about giving back for everything I take, but there should be some sort of giving back involved in the process, and I realize I've lacked in that a lot. I think I struggle with that though because I instantly equate that to whatever I have taken, and really what I need isn't what everyone else needs. I forget that sometimes, thinking by offering the same thing that I just received, that that would be enough.
Thats not necessarily true. And if I am so daft at understanding people because I'm so self-absorbed over the issue that no one understands me, well then it might be more difficult for me to ever hope that I can offer nearly as much as I currently take. So instead, I'm going to take less. That's what I'm resigned to do. I'm going to take less from everybody, and half it is just this: being heard. I can be heard through myself. I can be the person to remember what I want to be remembered, so that my thoughts aren't lost in the abyss. I realize I'm so desperate for other people to agree with me, but it isn't necessary. I feel like I should give up on validation because it never comes. Its selfish to expect it when I can't give it back anymore. I used to be able. I used to be less stubborn and be able to see when I am in the wrong. I keep battling with this idea that I am in the wrong and that I should have stomached it, but I'm so caught up in this indignant attitude that I can't really answer the question. I can't will myself to come to the conclusion that I could years ago; that maybe I still had more to learn that they could teach me. I'm so lost right now, because before I could see where they were right, but I can't see that anymore. I've stopped developing and all I can see is my own opinions; I'm as useless as the thing I look down upon. How can I be progressive when I've closed off my mind?
I don't think I'm happy. I have so much doubt in my decision. I don't feel proud of what I've done, and I'm at this point where I'm playing the what-if game a lot. I didn't do that then. It was mildly done, but with no real plan to actually try to reverse it. Now I've been playing that game a lot, thinking about all the scenarios that could come out of this, all which involve giving up, backing out, changing my mind.
Really, I'm just not sure anymore. I think some things never change. My desperation seems to be one of them.