My year.
My year.....
I started off so happy with you, i loved you so much, i never thought we would be apart for more then 2 minutes, i couldnt bare being apart from you, if i wasnt with you, id be wishing i was...my birthday was okay, i honestly dont remember it much, but i know you were there, and thats all i cared about it...school was going good i guess, i was supposed to graduate, but i didnt, jenna did, and it was so hard to see my best friend graduate without me, it wasnt fair, i think i cried for an hour...until i smartened up...work was going okay, i liked working there alot.
Then.....things went down hill....i started to turn into someone else, and because of that i lost you...we faught, we made up, then we faught..why?..cause i was selfish and not myself...god i wasnt myself....FUCK I WASNT MYSELF....and because of that, your gone...and i hate myself every single damn day..i cant believe what a fucking jerk i was, fuck i was such a JERK...i hurt you so much, and didnt think twice about it..until after i realized what i did and said...and realized just how horrible i am, i dont even deserve to live anymore for what i did...FUCK WHY DID I MESS EVERYTHING UP?...i cant live anymore..
I started a new job at another esso, its great..my boss is amazing..charlie...i freakin love, him...and i also make alot more money too..$9.50 an hour...and i get $313.05 a week....sweeeet....it made me so happy...but now the happyness is nothing but gone...im depressed, i miss you so fucking much...i hate myself, i hate life and i hate ME..all i do is cry...CRY.....me..cry...i never friggin cry...but i certinly do now....why you ask?...cause i feel so damn guilty for everything..and then some....damn it.....why am i still me?...why cant i be somebody else?..somebody who isnt fucked up...
So i still havent slept since last nights new years party...i may have only had one drink, but it was enough to do the trick..lol...omg..i still cant believe we laughed that hard.and over a stupid word...'twatterfly"..its not even funny...well..okay..maybe it is funny..lol...ok..really funny....hahahahahaha....playing guitar hero until 4 in the morning with everybody...well..i wasnt playing...i didnt want too...but just being with everybody and having fun was good enough for me...
I had such a bad night at work....christy came to visit with phil and Dj, and so did rob and charline..which was really sweet....i had fun with them..but after they left my mood switched from bad to really bad....i almost cried like 6 times...but everytime i wanted to cry, someone would come in to work and buy things or get gas, frig i was so mad...i closed an hour early cause i couldnt stand to be there anymore..i punched the wall so hard i moved my knuckle again, so now i have a stupid splint on it...its so annoying..IM SO ANNOYING..
I need to write a paragraph about you now....just to get it all out..
I miss you so fucking much, i cant even think about you without getting a weird feeling in my stomach, a feeling of nothing but guilt..FUCK...how could i be so stupid...why did i ever give you up...how could i let you go like this...HOW COULD I SAY THOSE THINGS...HOW COULD I DO THOSE THINGS....i am so unbelieveably sorry for everything ive done..i know sorry isnt nearly enough, and i know that, if i could change what i did id do it in a second...id give up everything to take it all back, id even give up seeing my grandmother again to change everything that i did....cause i am sooo sorry....im even crying while im writting this because im so sorry..FUCK im so sorry....i swear ill never forgive myself for what ive done...Never...
So, me and my dad are going out on sunday..for the first time in 10 years im actually seeing my father...how weird is that?..i dont even know what to say to him...i dont even know why im actually seeing him..he doenst deserve to see me..he's the one that left me, im not the one that left him...fuck i dont know what to do...
Im going to stop writing now, cause im going to burst out crying again.....
Happy New Year..
Bye..
I started off so happy with you, i loved you so much, i never thought we would be apart for more then 2 minutes, i couldnt bare being apart from you, if i wasnt with you, id be wishing i was...my birthday was okay, i honestly dont remember it much, but i know you were there, and thats all i cared about it...school was going good i guess, i was supposed to graduate, but i didnt, jenna did, and it was so hard to see my best friend graduate without me, it wasnt fair, i think i cried for an hour...until i smartened up...work was going okay, i liked working there alot.
Then.....things went down hill....i started to turn into someone else, and because of that i lost you...we faught, we made up, then we faught..why?..cause i was selfish and not myself...god i wasnt myself....FUCK I WASNT MYSELF....and because of that, your gone...and i hate myself every single damn day..i cant believe what a fucking jerk i was, fuck i was such a JERK...i hurt you so much, and didnt think twice about it..until after i realized what i did and said...and realized just how horrible i am, i dont even deserve to live anymore for what i did...FUCK WHY DID I MESS EVERYTHING UP?...i cant live anymore..
I started a new job at another esso, its great..my boss is amazing..charlie...i freakin love, him...and i also make alot more money too..$9.50 an hour...and i get $313.05 a week....sweeeet....it made me so happy...but now the happyness is nothing but gone...im depressed, i miss you so fucking much...i hate myself, i hate life and i hate ME..all i do is cry...CRY.....me..cry...i never friggin cry...but i certinly do now....why you ask?...cause i feel so damn guilty for everything..and then some....damn it.....why am i still me?...why cant i be somebody else?..somebody who isnt fucked up...
So i still havent slept since last nights new years party...i may have only had one drink, but it was enough to do the trick..lol...omg..i still cant believe we laughed that hard.and over a stupid word...'twatterfly"..its not even funny...well..okay..maybe it is funny..lol...ok..really funny....hahahahahaha....playing guitar hero until 4 in the morning with everybody...well..i wasnt playing...i didnt want too...but just being with everybody and having fun was good enough for me...
I had such a bad night at work....christy came to visit with phil and Dj, and so did rob and charline..which was really sweet....i had fun with them..but after they left my mood switched from bad to really bad....i almost cried like 6 times...but everytime i wanted to cry, someone would come in to work and buy things or get gas, frig i was so mad...i closed an hour early cause i couldnt stand to be there anymore..i punched the wall so hard i moved my knuckle again, so now i have a stupid splint on it...its so annoying..IM SO ANNOYING..
I need to write a paragraph about you now....just to get it all out..
I miss you so fucking much, i cant even think about you without getting a weird feeling in my stomach, a feeling of nothing but guilt..FUCK...how could i be so stupid...why did i ever give you up...how could i let you go like this...HOW COULD I SAY THOSE THINGS...HOW COULD I DO THOSE THINGS....i am so unbelieveably sorry for everything ive done..i know sorry isnt nearly enough, and i know that, if i could change what i did id do it in a second...id give up everything to take it all back, id even give up seeing my grandmother again to change everything that i did....cause i am sooo sorry....im even crying while im writting this because im so sorry..FUCK im so sorry....i swear ill never forgive myself for what ive done...Never...
So, me and my dad are going out on sunday..for the first time in 10 years im actually seeing my father...how weird is that?..i dont even know what to say to him...i dont even know why im actually seeing him..he doenst deserve to see me..he's the one that left me, im not the one that left him...fuck i dont know what to do...
Im going to stop writing now, cause im going to burst out crying again.....
Happy New Year..
Bye..