stitching threads of truth; [essay]
#1, for Kajio, Akemi's state of mental health
Akemi is at his core, very unstable. He's very good at hiding it-sure, he seems off, but of course he is, he's a King of Bel, a human that's become a demon, it can't be that bad-but he is, to be honest, a walking, ticking time bomb of crazy. He was mostly okay, if with some latent tendencies towards instability (it runs in the family, he's related to Naoya), before and during the early stages of the Lockdown. But now, where do I even start?
The first problem comes with the fact that he is the King of Bel: humans were never meant to have such power, humans were never meant to become demons, their souls and minds weren't made to handle that. Tying in nicely with this is the fact that he is the Messiah as well, God's servant and paragon of Law, when he is by nature now a creature of Chaos: diametrically opposed alignments that are pretty much tearing him apart mentally.
To only add to this, Akemi doesn't believe in the cause he's fighting for, and never really has. In fact, he is so disillusioned, he doesn't actually have an answer or overarching goal. In some ways, it's almost worse now that he has time to think things through, to realize just how much he hates the fate he chose, to realize just how much he fucked up.
Currently, he has no idea if there is an answer, if there's anything left worth believing in. God isn't the loving God he was thought to be, the justice Akemi tries to uphold isn't justice, but humanity, too, has shown the worst it is capable of, and most of all, he doesn't even have faith in himself anymore. After all, why should he? He just keeps making worse and worse decisions. He's resigned himself to always failing the people he cares about the most: he tried to save everyone he could, but he can't save anyone.
Akemi is deeply, deeply lonely: his friends he doesn't see very often anymore, at least not often or long enough, and he doesn't want to give them any more of a burden then they already have to carry in the new world. Those he sees most often now aren't friends, or any kind of emotional support, but cold and distant and pure. In addition to being lonely, he's positively affection-starved, but tends to not seek out either companionship or affection: his problems are a result of his choices, and he prefers to deal with them on his own and not trouble anyone else.
He feels guilty all the time. Guilt for making the wrong choice, guilt for murdering Naoya, guilt for the fact God won't punish him, guilt for being unhappy with his choice-at least he *had* a choice, he made his bed, he needs to lie in it-and now that he's come to the Velvet Mall, guilt over even slightly having fun and enjoying himself. Akemi also suppresses many of his emotions beneath "this is what I *should* do" rather then "this is what I *want* to do" or "this is how I should feel" rather then "this is how I feel", burying them deep rather then let himself acknowledge the core of it.
Akemi is at his core, very unstable. He's very good at hiding it-sure, he seems off, but of course he is, he's a King of Bel, a human that's become a demon, it can't be that bad-but he is, to be honest, a walking, ticking time bomb of crazy. He was mostly okay, if with some latent tendencies towards instability (it runs in the family, he's related to Naoya), before and during the early stages of the Lockdown. But now, where do I even start?
The first problem comes with the fact that he is the King of Bel: humans were never meant to have such power, humans were never meant to become demons, their souls and minds weren't made to handle that. Tying in nicely with this is the fact that he is the Messiah as well, God's servant and paragon of Law, when he is by nature now a creature of Chaos: diametrically opposed alignments that are pretty much tearing him apart mentally.
To only add to this, Akemi doesn't believe in the cause he's fighting for, and never really has. In fact, he is so disillusioned, he doesn't actually have an answer or overarching goal. In some ways, it's almost worse now that he has time to think things through, to realize just how much he hates the fate he chose, to realize just how much he fucked up.
Currently, he has no idea if there is an answer, if there's anything left worth believing in. God isn't the loving God he was thought to be, the justice Akemi tries to uphold isn't justice, but humanity, too, has shown the worst it is capable of, and most of all, he doesn't even have faith in himself anymore. After all, why should he? He just keeps making worse and worse decisions. He's resigned himself to always failing the people he cares about the most: he tried to save everyone he could, but he can't save anyone.
Akemi is deeply, deeply lonely: his friends he doesn't see very often anymore, at least not often or long enough, and he doesn't want to give them any more of a burden then they already have to carry in the new world. Those he sees most often now aren't friends, or any kind of emotional support, but cold and distant and pure. In addition to being lonely, he's positively affection-starved, but tends to not seek out either companionship or affection: his problems are a result of his choices, and he prefers to deal with them on his own and not trouble anyone else.
He feels guilty all the time. Guilt for making the wrong choice, guilt for murdering Naoya, guilt for the fact God won't punish him, guilt for being unhappy with his choice-at least he *had* a choice, he made his bed, he needs to lie in it-and now that he's come to the Velvet Mall, guilt over even slightly having fun and enjoying himself. Akemi also suppresses many of his emotions beneath "this is what I *should* do" rather then "this is what I *want* to do" or "this is how I should feel" rather then "this is how I feel", burying them deep rather then let himself acknowledge the core of it.