(no subject)
So I have this coworker, and I really think everyone needs to hear about this girl, because my head is just going to implode if I don't share her with the world. So - things to know about my coworker:
The girl fancies herself a writer. She has, in fact, spent roughly $1,000 dollars researching England at the time of Jane Austen, who she loves. She has a book of notes for her upcoming novel dealing with the intricacies of her plotline, and a book of notes on England in the time period she is researching. Sadly, she is by any standards one can imagine, a terrible writer. Her book is about a society of mermaids, who speak like the pronouncements made by ancient spirits in the sci-fi movie of the week. She is still trying to work out how they factor into the history she has so painstakingly researched, and she thinks she might not get to it until the sequel novel. Her grammar is poor, her writing is tepid, and for some reason she has chosen to make her main character the least dynamic and interesting role in the book, saving the interesting characters for later books.
She tells me, in a secretive voice, that the secret to writing like Jane Austen is this: never use the word "the".
Really, this bit just makes me feel bad for her. But there is more!
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She is a Ghost Hunter. She tells me she knows, for certain, there are ghosts, because she has the tools to root them out.
For instance, sometimes she shines a pen laser down a dark hallway ... if she can't find the red dot on the far wall, she knows a ghost is blocking the light. She has tools to measure ghost-energy. She looks forward to the day she is registered by the ghost hunters of America as a licensed operator, which apparently requires not folding for a year, or some such.
She tells me she knows what will happen in 2012, but she can't talk about it. Indiana Jones is right though - crystal skulls will save the world.
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Today, she informed us, no joke, that she was surprised Wayne and Garth bothered to write such great songs for their movie. She especially liked "Foxy Lady". Yes, she thought "foxy lady" by Jimi Hendrix was written for the Wayne's World film, by the guys playing Wayne and Garth. When I was aghast, she told me she doesn't really like music anyways - she has a NOW cd and a new age cd, and that's all she listens to, but she skips most the songs.
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She tells me the best movie ever made is Beerfest. This amuses me.
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She tells me that they are cloning a velociraptor, but she is concerned that man might be going too far - they are using frog DNA, and the raptors might switch genders and make a breeding population. I tell her this is the plot to "Jurassic Park" and she says "I KNOW! You'd think they'd have learned!" She tells every customer on register that dinosaurs are being cloned as we speak. I express my doubts as to this, and further tell her it's an impossibility. The next day, she has brought me proof:
3 printouts.
The first did mention dinosaur DNA AND using DNA to make a "living, breathing dinosaur". Score! It was, actually, an article about using what we have learned from possible DNA strands to demonstrate dinosaurs are closer to birds, and thus create better "living, breathing" cgi dinosaurs.
The second was an article about a mummified dinosaur they had located. It did not mention cloning or DNA at any point in the article.
The third was a printout of a forum page ... one of the post headlines was "scientists cloning dinosaur!". There was no link or text included.
PROOF! I had been served.
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She likes to tell me how streetwise she is. This typically involves her telling me how she got herself into situations no one with even a shred of streetwise would get themselves into, and then barely got out of. Like "These two big gangster dudes picked me up at a club, and one guy had blood all over his hand - so I went to their place, and they were *totally sketchy*. There was blood on the wall, and they had guns all over, and people coming in and out all day to buy drugs. I just told them they could do whatever they want as long as I'm not awake, and drank until I passed out. Like three days later I asked if I could go home and they said yes, but man it was scary. I hear one got shot a year ago."
----
She tells me that Barak Obama has officially declared he is going to kick all the white people out of one state, and make it black only. She goes on to tell me she does not think this is a good idea, and that she is a smarter woman than a presidential nominee! How can this be? Also, she doesn't think America is ready for black people leading us.
----
She likes to talk about her previous career as a stripper. She also loves to talk about how she is married, which she brings up 3 times a minute, sometimes while she is grinding on one of my employees to demonstrate her stripper skills. She says "Don't tell him, he would be SOOO mad. he's jealous."
Sometimes, she tells me her secret is that she used to work in porn. Sometimes she also tells this to every other person we work with.
----
The worst thing is, she is not stupid. I mean, not stupid enough to have an excuse - it's like she has made a conscious DECISION to be stupid. Like she felt it might improve her life in some way, and she has been perfecting it for years. maybe having no BS detector just makes life more interesting - every day some new and fascinating event happens. Maybe tomorrow she will discover that aliens are behind most decisions made by Congress! Wouldn't that be wild? At the very least, she is immune from feeling any dissonance regarding her own bullshit, which flows thick and free from her lips, and has to my knowledge never created even a twinge of shame in the woman.
The girl fancies herself a writer. She has, in fact, spent roughly $1,000 dollars researching England at the time of Jane Austen, who she loves. She has a book of notes for her upcoming novel dealing with the intricacies of her plotline, and a book of notes on England in the time period she is researching. Sadly, she is by any standards one can imagine, a terrible writer. Her book is about a society of mermaids, who speak like the pronouncements made by ancient spirits in the sci-fi movie of the week. She is still trying to work out how they factor into the history she has so painstakingly researched, and she thinks she might not get to it until the sequel novel. Her grammar is poor, her writing is tepid, and for some reason she has chosen to make her main character the least dynamic and interesting role in the book, saving the interesting characters for later books.
She tells me, in a secretive voice, that the secret to writing like Jane Austen is this: never use the word "the".
Really, this bit just makes me feel bad for her. But there is more!
-----------------
She is a Ghost Hunter. She tells me she knows, for certain, there are ghosts, because she has the tools to root them out.
For instance, sometimes she shines a pen laser down a dark hallway ... if she can't find the red dot on the far wall, she knows a ghost is blocking the light. She has tools to measure ghost-energy. She looks forward to the day she is registered by the ghost hunters of America as a licensed operator, which apparently requires not folding for a year, or some such.
She tells me she knows what will happen in 2012, but she can't talk about it. Indiana Jones is right though - crystal skulls will save the world.
----------
Today, she informed us, no joke, that she was surprised Wayne and Garth bothered to write such great songs for their movie. She especially liked "Foxy Lady". Yes, she thought "foxy lady" by Jimi Hendrix was written for the Wayne's World film, by the guys playing Wayne and Garth. When I was aghast, she told me she doesn't really like music anyways - she has a NOW cd and a new age cd, and that's all she listens to, but she skips most the songs.
---------
She tells me the best movie ever made is Beerfest. This amuses me.
--------
She tells me that they are cloning a velociraptor, but she is concerned that man might be going too far - they are using frog DNA, and the raptors might switch genders and make a breeding population. I tell her this is the plot to "Jurassic Park" and she says "I KNOW! You'd think they'd have learned!" She tells every customer on register that dinosaurs are being cloned as we speak. I express my doubts as to this, and further tell her it's an impossibility. The next day, she has brought me proof:
3 printouts.
The first did mention dinosaur DNA AND using DNA to make a "living, breathing dinosaur". Score! It was, actually, an article about using what we have learned from possible DNA strands to demonstrate dinosaurs are closer to birds, and thus create better "living, breathing" cgi dinosaurs.
The second was an article about a mummified dinosaur they had located. It did not mention cloning or DNA at any point in the article.
The third was a printout of a forum page ... one of the post headlines was "scientists cloning dinosaur!". There was no link or text included.
PROOF! I had been served.
------
She likes to tell me how streetwise she is. This typically involves her telling me how she got herself into situations no one with even a shred of streetwise would get themselves into, and then barely got out of. Like "These two big gangster dudes picked me up at a club, and one guy had blood all over his hand - so I went to their place, and they were *totally sketchy*. There was blood on the wall, and they had guns all over, and people coming in and out all day to buy drugs. I just told them they could do whatever they want as long as I'm not awake, and drank until I passed out. Like three days later I asked if I could go home and they said yes, but man it was scary. I hear one got shot a year ago."
----
She tells me that Barak Obama has officially declared he is going to kick all the white people out of one state, and make it black only. She goes on to tell me she does not think this is a good idea, and that she is a smarter woman than a presidential nominee! How can this be? Also, she doesn't think America is ready for black people leading us.
----
She likes to talk about her previous career as a stripper. She also loves to talk about how she is married, which she brings up 3 times a minute, sometimes while she is grinding on one of my employees to demonstrate her stripper skills. She says "Don't tell him, he would be SOOO mad. he's jealous."
Sometimes, she tells me her secret is that she used to work in porn. Sometimes she also tells this to every other person we work with.
----
The worst thing is, she is not stupid. I mean, not stupid enough to have an excuse - it's like she has made a conscious DECISION to be stupid. Like she felt it might improve her life in some way, and she has been perfecting it for years. maybe having no BS detector just makes life more interesting - every day some new and fascinating event happens. Maybe tomorrow she will discover that aliens are behind most decisions made by Congress! Wouldn't that be wild? At the very least, she is immune from feeling any dissonance regarding her own bullshit, which flows thick and free from her lips, and has to my knowledge never created even a twinge of shame in the woman.