Give a Fuck
it's like retracing steps that have already been wiped away as we walk through hall ways and doorways that I've already shut behind me there is something, a part of me that feels like there's nothing much more waiting here for me any more..the interest, the passion, the guilt, it all comes flooding back in small doses…you feel as if you've betrayed it all by wanting to become something different than what it is.. problem with all of this, is obviously that regardless of where you move to or where you are, you're always the same person..that doesn't change, it won't change, the environment doesn't change the person, it can open you up to new opportunities an in that you can chose to seize them or ignore them…I've always been one to take the easiest way to seizing the moment, I'm like a predator that stalks a pack waiting for the youngest, weakest or oldest one to linger to long at the water or to recklessly investigate a curious smell and within that moment I'm claws out and fangs dug as deep as possible into the opportunity, I smell the opened flesh and fresh blood as if it's the only thing that drives me…I can't turn away and yet I can't stand what i've become in that moment..it drives me mad knowing that I'm not the person i was moments before…
I'm startled by the recognition of a true uncomfortableness of large groups of people..I don't know if this is something new coming over me but there's a problem I'm having and it's really about caring, maybe it's not about caring but about being entertained, it's far more selfish than something like caring about the group or crowd i'm in it's got more to do with what are these people providing me with at that time or in these moments…I'm not a drinker, I'm not a smoker an I can only do so much cocaine before it literally stops doing any thing for me and at that point I'd rather be putting heroin up my nose because at least I'm getting high but that's the problem…it's always the problem..to be sick or to be dependent on that high makes me a temperamental person, I'm wishy washy…I want that numbness and I want to make it so that I don't feel anything but what is it that my eyeballs can ingest and leaves me with neither of these choices because I'm the first person to abandon everything and everybody in front of me for something seedier or even for just sleep…I'm tired of being judged, I'm tired of being cared for, I'm tired of people who believe that their happiness relies on my very presence…do you realize that I don't care…that what I find most attractive is the ability for you to create your own happiness in the face of absolute boredom, for you to pull out of the air a sense of whimsical happiness that can only be attributed to purity, for in that purity I find the essence of something I so often have forgotten and that is life. and this comes to those that are out there trying to live it and if you give up on that and spend to much time wallowing in the depths of something so trivial as being 21 and not having anybody understand you or what you want, then you've already lost, that you've lost before even starting and in that you're a fucking failure and in that I've seen you haven't even tried…it's a slippery slope to be walking because it's easier than one can imagine to be torn one way while being bogged down in the other…do I have answers, fuck no but I know that there's a chance to be something more than nothing if you actually give a fuck and try...
I'm startled by the recognition of a true uncomfortableness of large groups of people..I don't know if this is something new coming over me but there's a problem I'm having and it's really about caring, maybe it's not about caring but about being entertained, it's far more selfish than something like caring about the group or crowd i'm in it's got more to do with what are these people providing me with at that time or in these moments…I'm not a drinker, I'm not a smoker an I can only do so much cocaine before it literally stops doing any thing for me and at that point I'd rather be putting heroin up my nose because at least I'm getting high but that's the problem…it's always the problem..to be sick or to be dependent on that high makes me a temperamental person, I'm wishy washy…I want that numbness and I want to make it so that I don't feel anything but what is it that my eyeballs can ingest and leaves me with neither of these choices because I'm the first person to abandon everything and everybody in front of me for something seedier or even for just sleep…I'm tired of being judged, I'm tired of being cared for, I'm tired of people who believe that their happiness relies on my very presence…do you realize that I don't care…that what I find most attractive is the ability for you to create your own happiness in the face of absolute boredom, for you to pull out of the air a sense of whimsical happiness that can only be attributed to purity, for in that purity I find the essence of something I so often have forgotten and that is life. and this comes to those that are out there trying to live it and if you give up on that and spend to much time wallowing in the depths of something so trivial as being 21 and not having anybody understand you or what you want, then you've already lost, that you've lost before even starting and in that you're a fucking failure and in that I've seen you haven't even tried…it's a slippery slope to be walking because it's easier than one can imagine to be torn one way while being bogged down in the other…do I have answers, fuck no but I know that there's a chance to be something more than nothing if you actually give a fuck and try...