it is
we all take chances in life, either with our health(mental and physical), our freedom, our morals, our responsibilities, our goals, we chance it every day in each choice we make. every choice ripples, influencing the next one, sometimes one choice, whether we understand its implications or not ripples in such a way that the path we are currently on becomes lost to us in the wake of spiraling circumstances. I chose to focus only on the spiraling because more often then not it is the truly bad decisions that register with us. The good ones are just fodder in the background of our everyday life, our happiness, our laughing, our smiling is not necessarily noticed in a single moment but when you are sitting there and everything appears to be crumbling around you and the brightest days could not be any darker, we sit there and ponder that choice or the one before it. How did I end up here? what did I do to deserve this? Is this karma? Is it universal justice in the face of such personal carelessness and selfishness? For when I sit here and wonder what choice it was that I made to get here, I do not look back and see injustice or a world that has wronged me but I see random choices, loss of self control, a desire for affliction from affection-affliction from affection-what a great band name. I can blame everyone out there for never really understanding me, I could blame you for trying to make me into something I'm not, I could point fingers at the people around me for seeing just the person on the surface and yet that appears to be irrational. For rationality speaks to me, whispering gently into me, "it is you, it is your decisions, it is your choices" and rationality in her infinite wisdom does this all so objectively, neither looking to point fingers or place blame on anyone or one specific moment but to point out the relationship between my lingering over lost chances and my own human failings. I look back and peer into the person who was steering the ship at that time and I see me, but inside of it all, I appear hollow, void of something and now I look back and wonder what choice was it that allowed this part of me to escape.