I can't find nobody home
often times when I wake up in the morning, I'm so disoriented from sleeping that I forget that yesterday has happened, in that 2-3 minutes of grace I forget who I am. all the stains, all of yesterdays decay has blossomed again. and then I start to remember, first it's my dreams and lately they have been violent which is abnormal for me. I have violence in my dreams but I'm usually protecting somebody or righting some other universal wrong but lately they have been violence born from irrationality, jealousy, anger, rage. these mornings I wake up and i'm not sure what I have become or who I am turning into.
I am finding out what it is to be alone these days, there is so much swirling around me and so much that could be that I find myself shrinking in the face of it all. so many patterns attempting to replay themselves again again and here I am walking away from it all. there were moments when I would have held on with everything that I have in hopes of filling myself with the essence of another, in hopes of having them be that filler but what is that, avoidance, escapism, futility. I'm waiting to be floored, i'm waiting for that kiss that shatters all the walls but in that waiting I find glimpses of it, moments of light followed by ensuing personal insecurities and a past that never really falls away. i don't know what it feels like to look upon another and just see them and each time I'm touched by another, each time I stumble across a person who I feel that initial spark with, I end up running or pushing them away for something more comfortable. for that spark is definitely uncomfortable, because by connecting with another person we are saying, look at me, I'm not perfect, I have flaws, I am not strong, I am often times weak and will make bad decisions. there is a past that you might not understand, there is a present day haze following us and from under it all do you still see me? how do we lay around with passion and hope on our breaths and ignore that we are not always going to be what we thought we were. I want to have you understand me, I want you to bring me into you without reservation of the future, do you remember the times when spontaneity led to the most earth shattering love, poets wrote and creativity flowed across the country as the steel body and rubber wheels carried us from the next state. I remembered all the dreams laid out there, all the hopes, all the promises, the soft words, the understanding of each other and yet I have forgotten where you are. I have forgotten where I am. I think that I have become so used to distance, the protective measures that I am now just figuring out how many sparks I have snuffed out before allowing them to grow into bolts. I regret and brood, I regret and I wonder, I regret and I remain unfulfilled. I miss you, I miss me, I miss you and I. I hope that we will find each other again.
enough of that nonsense.
I remain, momentarily, yours-
Robert
I am finding out what it is to be alone these days, there is so much swirling around me and so much that could be that I find myself shrinking in the face of it all. so many patterns attempting to replay themselves again again and here I am walking away from it all. there were moments when I would have held on with everything that I have in hopes of filling myself with the essence of another, in hopes of having them be that filler but what is that, avoidance, escapism, futility. I'm waiting to be floored, i'm waiting for that kiss that shatters all the walls but in that waiting I find glimpses of it, moments of light followed by ensuing personal insecurities and a past that never really falls away. i don't know what it feels like to look upon another and just see them and each time I'm touched by another, each time I stumble across a person who I feel that initial spark with, I end up running or pushing them away for something more comfortable. for that spark is definitely uncomfortable, because by connecting with another person we are saying, look at me, I'm not perfect, I have flaws, I am not strong, I am often times weak and will make bad decisions. there is a past that you might not understand, there is a present day haze following us and from under it all do you still see me? how do we lay around with passion and hope on our breaths and ignore that we are not always going to be what we thought we were. I want to have you understand me, I want you to bring me into you without reservation of the future, do you remember the times when spontaneity led to the most earth shattering love, poets wrote and creativity flowed across the country as the steel body and rubber wheels carried us from the next state. I remembered all the dreams laid out there, all the hopes, all the promises, the soft words, the understanding of each other and yet I have forgotten where you are. I have forgotten where I am. I think that I have become so used to distance, the protective measures that I am now just figuring out how many sparks I have snuffed out before allowing them to grow into bolts. I regret and brood, I regret and I wonder, I regret and I remain unfulfilled. I miss you, I miss me, I miss you and I. I hope that we will find each other again.
enough of that nonsense.
I remain, momentarily, yours-
Robert