Dear Justin
Cannot believe I still have this account and I am still a fucking weird woman.
Dear Justin,
I still love you and I miss you more than I can describe. Our relationship gave me so much hope in the beginning; you were so excited to be with me, attentive and thoughtful. I was drunk, the entire time. It sucks being an alcoholic because we lie so much, even to ourselves. I wish I could go back to those days and remain more sober. I will never get those days back. Fireworks at the Naval Shipyard, your birthday in Niagara Falls, kissing and becoming a couple in Lowell. I hang on to these memories with fondness and love. I loved your friends, our adventures and passion.
On my birthday, I had a stressful 6 hour interview in Boston. That was the day you called your ex girlfriend 3 times. I bought you dinner on my birthday because you did not have any money. I also drove us to Boston (after I had already made the trip once that day) because you are afraid to drive into the city. Maybe that should have been a sign that things would turnout for the worse. I don't remember Deanne's wedding. I was drunk. I hate how foggy the past seems due to my drinking.
On the way to my grandfather's funeral, I discovered that you were talking to your ex. I was drunk on the way to that funeral. I exploded. I don't remember much about the following month. Just vodka nips and shaky hands. I should have left you that day. We came close to breaking up that month. I met your friends in Albuquerque - drunk - and made a fool out of myself. I regret this so much. I remember this was when a depression started to kind of settle in. I was at PAREXEL and listening to Kendrick Lamar "Fear" when I realized that I was so scared of being alone, empty and vomiting anywhere from 5-20 times a day - then washing it away with vodka. Holy fuck I was so sad.
I spent Christmas with your family and it gave me SO MUCH HOPE. I loved your family, even though I secretly brought vodka to Louisiana and lied about that. You brought me to your undergraduate university and I remember wishing I had vodka with me because you were slightly annoying. We ate at Magleaux and it was really good. I was so exited to drink a beer with you. I could actually be honest about my drinking for that brief moment. I was at GE at the time, making incredible money. When I got back, it sank in that this relationship was really not happy anymore. I drank more to hide from that. I went out with a lot of friends in this time, including Jeff, and they all could feel my despair. A lot of people questioned out relationship at this time. I got so thin. I lost my period again. You called me "Vanessa Copeland" and gave me hope. I wanted to be your Vanessa Copeland so bad.
The next few weeks were filled with alcohol and anxiety. My drinking picked up. Valentine's day was drunk and filled with fucking. We fought. I pulled a knife on you and turned it on me (barely remember that) and we nearly broke up like every week.
Then I realized I needed to be sober. This was such a confusing, difficult time in my life. The internal war just made me drink even more. So many disappointing looks on your face. This made my heart strings curdle. I wish I could un-see the look in your eyes. My rock bottom.
Getting sober was so lonely. I wasn't using AA correctly - I wasn't reaching out. I thought we had hope at this point. I was finally, 100%, sober and available. I remember being at GE and feeling like something was missing. I would see my colleagues with photos of their families; happy and returning to their husbands - and I was so jealous. I wanted a baby so badly. My birthday this past year was really sweet. You brought me to Vermont and we spent time together - sober, except I snuck around with some marijuana. You helped me kick my weed habit, which was hard and totally worth leaving behind. I am always going to love you . I miss you so much. I want to talk to you more than anything. I want to be in your arms, wrapped in your bed covers, with you breathing into my hair. I love you. I am in so much pain. I just want to be happy. I want you to be happy.
I miss you.
Vanessa