(no subject)
So this dude on OkC has been messaging me idly back and forth for about a week now, give or take, asking me that since I've been on the site for four years (don't remind me, dude), what have my experiences been with people so far, etc. No biggie. I've been humoring him, mentioning that I've met a couple great people on there, but it's difficult to find people like them amidst the sea of assholes just trying to get laid.
Cue insane conversation.
Him: I know what you mean, I really feel like our society just expects men to be stupid horny bastards these days. I've always had a problem with this since I really don't consider myself stupid and I've never felt the urge to "pound as much vajay as I can." So yeah, I've never really fit in well with a lot of the guys I meet. Let's face it, the stereotypical "man" is supposed to work in a factory, wear flannel shirts and come home after work everyday to crack open a cold beer. I don't really like any of those things.
Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling, but I'd be interested to hear your take on this whole thing. I kind of gathered from your profile that you've may have dealt with similar issues before.
My response: There are a myriad of male (as well as female) stereotypes, and they serve to do nothing but damage and stifle the people who feel pressured to live under their dictatorial standards. Gender roles are poisonous, and I wish more people realized that. :/ Society benefits when people aren't crushed beneath ideals they can't attain.
I really do feel that, in the case that you've mentioned where the new standard is for men to be ruthless horndogs, it was more a case of some men leading the way, the general public becoming lax on their view of that behavior, and more men feeling pressured to follow suit lest they be seen as "soft". Correct me if I'm wrong, of course, but that's the impression I've gotten. In any case, though, it's pretty damaging. I mean, I'm no prude & view sex as a wonderful thing (even Pretty Fucking Awesome™, as it were), but I really do feel our society is reaching critical mass with this general sexualization of EVERYTHING. Girls whose ages haven't even reached double-digits yet shouldn't be clamoring for thongs, developing eating disorders and learning how to grind on little boys, and little boys shouldn't be taught to view women as sex objects, particularly so early on in life. I really do think that reducing your entire world view to what your genitalia can do - regardless of your gender - is incredibly detrimental to realizing your identity & making use of your potential in life. Sure, some biological determinists would probably argue with me that's ALL we're good for, and I suppose in a technical way they're right, but I refuse to be nothing more than the sum of my crotch & its abilities.
Anyway, so now it's my turn to stop rambling :P What are your thoughts?
Him: Well, to be honest, I've never been in a relationship before and I still have yet to cash in my v-card [for reference, everyone, he's 23]. It's really not something I like to talk about and I'm very ashamed of it, but nevertheless I feel like our whole society (not just other men) put a lot of pressure on guys to get laid. Mind you, people won't generally openly say anything about it if they find out, however, they will definitely laugh about it and make fun of you behind your back (unless of course they're your best friends, family, or something along those lines). In short, I don't feel like I'm perceived as soft, but rather pathetic, hopeless and sad.
I guess I haven't really thought about the whole sexuality thing too much though, I feel like our the majority of our society is too repressed and afraid to admit anything to themselves that may make them rethink their gender identity, sexual orientation, etc. I really don't know what to think at all about exposure to children though, I feel like it wouldn't be so bad if the media wasn't the only thing they saw. However, I do feel that if the parents just told them everything truthfully from day one, things would work out much more smoothly for everyone. I guess I just really hate all of the lies I was told as a child.
My response: Understandable, but I suppose part of growing up is learning to decipher society's lies. It happens. I imagine that if I hadn't been fed specific gender roles, I wouldn't have rebelled & sought to learn the truth for myself, so being lied to did serve a purpose in making me a more inclusive, accepting and knowledgeable person. I can't be too upset about that. It's only what you make of it - remember that.
Also, don't base your self-worth on sex. That's how disease is spread :P But seriously, you aren't flawed or pathetic for not having had sex yet. I hate that our society places such a value on what it views as male virility but is really just macho posturing (not unlike peacocks flouncing around with their feathers spread or gorillas pounding their chests in dominance). It truly is detrimental.
I wish there were something I could say to alleviate your concerns, but really, anyone who's going to make a big deal out of your sex life - especially when they're not part of it - doesn't deserve to be part of your regular life either. I have the opposite problem you do but with some of the same results (thanks, madonna-whore dichotomy!), so I've had to deal with this myself to certain degrees. It's not worth it to concern yourself over petty people & their own insecurities that they're clearly projecting on you. Let it go.
***********Still with me so far? Here's where it gets very WTF.************
Him: I truly wish it were that easy.
Actually though, I tend to view the human race, including myself, as nothing more than highly intelligent animals (it just seems to explain a lot more things that way). In all honesty, I find that, while most people hate to accept it, we are nothing more than animals at our very basic urges. I truly believe that the whole male desire to have sex is a primal instinct that will always be a part of me (and most other men). I guess the way I see it is that I can try to make myself believe I'm beyond the whole desire for sex all I want, but I'll never be able to change my DNA.
I suppose if I'm going to be truthful, I do think about sex, a lot (as do most men) and I still have an overpowering urge to try it. The only real difference between me and other men is that I have yet to experience it.
I have come to see this whole thing as nothing more than a big pissing contest where the "Alpha males" (those with a healthy level of self confidence) are the men who have the most success with women (note I'm only talking about heterosexuals here as I have no experience, nor any idea how things work with gays, bisexuals, etc.). These men attract the most desirable women. Often these are simply the best looking women, and the men will often have nothing in common with any of them because society has taught them to only seek out attractive women and they have been conditioned to lie to themselves about what it is that they really want in a relationship.
From what I can tell, the women are attracted to a man with self confidence first and foremost, which is why the stereotypical "nice guy" always finishes last. Not because he's nice to women, but because he nearly always has extremely low self confidence. This low self confidence is actually why he's so nice in the first place, he doesn't believe in himself and so he stays on everybody's good side in order to minimize conflict. Women then pick up on this fact, and are therefore unable to respect him because of it.
As for the other less confident men that still manage to find relationships, I feel that they are simply finding women who are either unable to attract the "Alpha male" or have been with an "Alpha male" and were hurt upon finding out that he wanted them only for sex, he abused them, etc. and they are now simply settling for something less than what they wanted. This, to me, explains why you see so many men who are "whipped" in their marriages and basically kissing their wife's ass at every turn.
In conclusion, while I do have the same urges as every other man my age, I feel that the real problem is that men are taught from a young age to simply go for the most attractive woman they can get. Completely disregarding any other factors that would be relevant in any sort of long term relationship, including marriage. Women, from what I've noticed, if they are anywhere near reasonably attractive, will get hit on by several men everyday. Therefore, they have seen the desperation in so many "nice guys" that they are completely blown away by the confidence when and if an "Alpha male" decides to pursue her. This is what I feel builds her desperation: she's thinking "this guy is different" or "I really hope this one calls me back" all the while she's probably one of several that he hit on that night. For men, dating is truly a numbers game. The "Alpha male" will hit on women all night, and a lot of them will really be hoping for him to call her back. The "nice guys" will do the same, but they are not likely to be running through any woman's head all night if she was approached by the "Alpha male" as well.
This whole thing really seems ridiculous to me, and I suppose that's why I'm on here, I'm tired of lying about what I want, and I'm tired of being lied to by people who may not even be interested in me in the first place. Simply stringing me along as a second option in case the other guy doesn't call her back. I truly wish I lived in a world where people didn't lie so much, but that's not the case, and I'm positive that the main reason I'm still single is because I lack self confidence.
Anyway, I rambled the hell out of that one, but please tell me your thoughts and correct me if I'm wrong on any of this. I'll admit that I most definitely do not know everything, so I'm sure something here must be at least a little bit off.
Yeah. Hello, future Marc Lepine of Lansing.
Anyway, so here's my response. It took me damn near an hour to formulate and proofread, and I have yet to get an answer. Here's hoping he wants to take my words to heart and not be offended at them instead.
Well, I'd have to disagree on a goodish chunk of that. I mean, your entire soliloquy here smacks of biological determinism, and while I can't argue with you that we really are little more than highly intelligent animals, I must say that due to our intelligence, we have the ability to rise above that and enjoy our lives in ways that other species can't. I'd even go so far as to say we have an obligation to do so. To reduce ourselves as people down to "alpha males" and prey...that's almost offensive, as we are so much more than that should we choose to be.
Furthermore, as someone who fights daily for gender equality & has been a feminist since she was a child, I'm also quite bothered by the notion you seem to have of women being passive prey for men to conquer and mount las trophies. That attitude is borderline misogynistic & doesn't do you any favors. Women like me may potentially be a rare breed, but if I'm truly interested in someone, I show interest. I don't play hard to get, I don't play mind games, and I don't sit there waiting for a man (or woman, for that matter) to pursue me. In viewing women as a faceless, teeming mass of potential tail instead of individual people with unique personalities whom you may have the joy of getting to know, you do yourself more damage than any lack of self-confidence that may burden you. No woman wants to feel like you're hitting on her just because you think she's in your league (which, if you're oozing desperation, isn't flattering) and think you might get lucky. People of ANY gender want to feel special and like you're paying attention to them because they're themselves, not because they just happen to have the requisite genitalia you're after. You have to value people - and experiences - for what they are. Having superficial goals ensures you superficial results. The acquisition of sex is not a "numbers game" or a hunting game unless you don't aspire to rise above herd mentality, and treating it like that not only does one a disservice in searching for a connection but really serves to ruin things when someone is actually found.
I don't know if you've ever read the Kama Sutra, but there's a concept it employs of there being different varieties of penises and vaginas (lingam/yoni)...hares/bulls/stallions in men & does/mares/"cow-elephants" in women. It goes on to detail the importance not of degrading those considered "small" or "big", but instead to partner with someone whose genitalia matches yours. A hare mating with a "cow-elephant" may not go so well, and it doesn't mean that either of them are lacking or defective - just means they're better suited for someone else. That concept really applies in a big way when it comes to dating and interpersonal relationships. You can't view each rejection as a personal failure - just recognize that the person in question just probably wasn't suited for you. And so be it! One is better off alone than mismatched with someone unsuitable. I know. I've been there multiple times in my life, and I surely haven't seen the last of it. If you try smashing a square peg into a round hole & don't succeed, does that mean there's something inherently wrong with either peg or hole?
Also, with your ideas of women "settling" for less than the alpha male? That's actually pretty upsetting as well, reason being that it also enforces this ancient & misguided notion that men are Tarzan - hear him roar/pound his chest - and that women are simply aimless whores trying to outdo each other on the societal totem pole by the quality of the man they hook. Instead of assuming that a woman was hurt or abused by a so-called alpha male, why could it not be that she simply found another person with whom she connected, even if he isn't a "prime cut"? Or even if we were to entertain the stereotype that any woman who appears to be "settling" has been hurt and therefore goes for these men, could it not be because she discovered that, in her pursuit of the alpha male, she really DIDN'T want a partner like that? Not because she was abused, but because she found the alpha male personality grossly unappealing once she actually got to see it for what it was? You don't give women nearly enough credit. We're not brainless moppets.
I mean, take me for example. I've had dealings with a couple alpha males before while dating, and it's highly unlikely that I'd ever do that again. Would you assume that it's because they hurt me & I've been knocked down a few self-esteem points as a result? If so, you do me a great injustice. When I got to know these people on a true and genuine basis, I disliked them. I found them vapid, flaky, vain and obnoxious. Would you want a partner with such wretched character traits? I sure as hell didn't. Not everyone's standards are the same, you know. Not every person aspires to "bag" the same type of person. For example, I tend to date overweight people. Because they're considered less attractive and therefore "easier", you ask? Hell no. I find them quite attractive. Most of the overweight people I've known tend to be more distinctive and unique, therefore increasing their appeal to me. I look at them and see someone who is (more or less) comfortable in their own skin & who can enjoy life without fear of societal repercussion & social ostracization. Who WOULDN'T want someone like that? Only someone who still lets the media dictate what's attractive to them.
Furthermore, with this idea of men being "whipped" in marriages...have you ever pondered that maybe some men enjoy that role? I'm not talking in terms of BDSM, but there are some men out there who genuinely enjoy having a more laid-back role in their relationships, and others still who enjoy doting on their wives as much as they possibly can. Some men just don't give a shit either way. More power to them if that's what brings them joy/happiness/peace! Why does it have to be an issue of power transfers with men "losing" if they're less dominant within the confines of a relationship? Why does it not seem to me that you'd feel the same way if a woman were less dominant? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the impression I'm getting from you.
And don't get me wrong. I understand your desire for sex. Sex is great - or it can be, anyway. You can't view sex as a goal, though. Doing that really cheapens it. I'm no prude and I'm far from one of those "save-it-til-you're-married" advocates, but sex is meant to be enjoyed as a beautiful connection between two (or more) people with genuine chemistry. Trust me on this one; casual sex is awkward and usually incredibly shitty. I spent a good year or so engaging in that, then when I realized how empty and unfulfilling it was, I enjoyed celibacy for two years. Spending that time alone helped me to reflect and realize just how much more enjoyable sex is when it's with someone with whom you really connect.
Plus, almost all women have men sexually harassing them on a near-daily basis. It gets tiresome at best and leaves you feeling shaken and vulnerable at worst. If you give off the vibe that you're also just wanting sex & viewing the woman you're talking to as little more than a potential orifice, you're right; you AREN'T going to stand out in a woman's mind - alpha male or not. Chasing women for no other reason than leaving the Virgin Islands is a good way to make sure you stay very, very lonely. If all you're looking for is a warm hole to smash it into, I can teach you how to make a biodegradable masturbatory sheath with a banana peel and a toilet paper roll. You aren't doing yourself any favors by reducing everyone - yourself included - to the sum of our collective crotches.
I want you to know I'm not trying to be critical of you, nor attack you. I don't dig ad hominems. I know I have probably come off as very forceful and angry in this message, and that's not my intent. For that, I do apologize. My wish for you is that you're able to rise above this toxic mindset & embrace dating - and LIFE - for what it really is. I'm just saddened that you are stuck with these antiquated notions of gender roles & interpersonal connections, as it's clearly crippling & frustrating your search for companionship. No woman - hell, no PERSON - wants to date someone who constantly acts like they hate or can't trust you just by virtue of their past pain & rejections.
I mean, everything you've written so far gives to me the impression that you would be most pleased with a wholly passive doormat of a woman who opens her legs at the snap of your fingers and never opens her mouth except to shove your dick into it, and that you resent all women solely based on their gender, since you haven't had a woman like that fall into your lap yet & you feel women "owe" you something as a result. If that's not what you're after, you might want to attempt some introspection, since that's probably not the impression you want to give off to everyone else and right now, with what you've written to me, it's positively radiating off you.
If that IS all you're after...well, good luck. You're going to need it.
Can't wait for my inbox in the morning.
Cue insane conversation.
Him: I know what you mean, I really feel like our society just expects men to be stupid horny bastards these days. I've always had a problem with this since I really don't consider myself stupid and I've never felt the urge to "pound as much vajay as I can." So yeah, I've never really fit in well with a lot of the guys I meet. Let's face it, the stereotypical "man" is supposed to work in a factory, wear flannel shirts and come home after work everyday to crack open a cold beer. I don't really like any of those things.
Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling, but I'd be interested to hear your take on this whole thing. I kind of gathered from your profile that you've may have dealt with similar issues before.
My response: There are a myriad of male (as well as female) stereotypes, and they serve to do nothing but damage and stifle the people who feel pressured to live under their dictatorial standards. Gender roles are poisonous, and I wish more people realized that. :/ Society benefits when people aren't crushed beneath ideals they can't attain.
I really do feel that, in the case that you've mentioned where the new standard is for men to be ruthless horndogs, it was more a case of some men leading the way, the general public becoming lax on their view of that behavior, and more men feeling pressured to follow suit lest they be seen as "soft". Correct me if I'm wrong, of course, but that's the impression I've gotten. In any case, though, it's pretty damaging. I mean, I'm no prude & view sex as a wonderful thing (even Pretty Fucking Awesome™, as it were), but I really do feel our society is reaching critical mass with this general sexualization of EVERYTHING. Girls whose ages haven't even reached double-digits yet shouldn't be clamoring for thongs, developing eating disorders and learning how to grind on little boys, and little boys shouldn't be taught to view women as sex objects, particularly so early on in life. I really do think that reducing your entire world view to what your genitalia can do - regardless of your gender - is incredibly detrimental to realizing your identity & making use of your potential in life. Sure, some biological determinists would probably argue with me that's ALL we're good for, and I suppose in a technical way they're right, but I refuse to be nothing more than the sum of my crotch & its abilities.
Anyway, so now it's my turn to stop rambling :P What are your thoughts?
Him: Well, to be honest, I've never been in a relationship before and I still have yet to cash in my v-card [for reference, everyone, he's 23]. It's really not something I like to talk about and I'm very ashamed of it, but nevertheless I feel like our whole society (not just other men) put a lot of pressure on guys to get laid. Mind you, people won't generally openly say anything about it if they find out, however, they will definitely laugh about it and make fun of you behind your back (unless of course they're your best friends, family, or something along those lines). In short, I don't feel like I'm perceived as soft, but rather pathetic, hopeless and sad.
I guess I haven't really thought about the whole sexuality thing too much though, I feel like our the majority of our society is too repressed and afraid to admit anything to themselves that may make them rethink their gender identity, sexual orientation, etc. I really don't know what to think at all about exposure to children though, I feel like it wouldn't be so bad if the media wasn't the only thing they saw. However, I do feel that if the parents just told them everything truthfully from day one, things would work out much more smoothly for everyone. I guess I just really hate all of the lies I was told as a child.
My response: Understandable, but I suppose part of growing up is learning to decipher society's lies. It happens. I imagine that if I hadn't been fed specific gender roles, I wouldn't have rebelled & sought to learn the truth for myself, so being lied to did serve a purpose in making me a more inclusive, accepting and knowledgeable person. I can't be too upset about that. It's only what you make of it - remember that.
Also, don't base your self-worth on sex. That's how disease is spread :P But seriously, you aren't flawed or pathetic for not having had sex yet. I hate that our society places such a value on what it views as male virility but is really just macho posturing (not unlike peacocks flouncing around with their feathers spread or gorillas pounding their chests in dominance). It truly is detrimental.
I wish there were something I could say to alleviate your concerns, but really, anyone who's going to make a big deal out of your sex life - especially when they're not part of it - doesn't deserve to be part of your regular life either. I have the opposite problem you do but with some of the same results (thanks, madonna-whore dichotomy!), so I've had to deal with this myself to certain degrees. It's not worth it to concern yourself over petty people & their own insecurities that they're clearly projecting on you. Let it go.
***********Still with me so far? Here's where it gets very WTF.************
Him: I truly wish it were that easy.
Actually though, I tend to view the human race, including myself, as nothing more than highly intelligent animals (it just seems to explain a lot more things that way). In all honesty, I find that, while most people hate to accept it, we are nothing more than animals at our very basic urges. I truly believe that the whole male desire to have sex is a primal instinct that will always be a part of me (and most other men). I guess the way I see it is that I can try to make myself believe I'm beyond the whole desire for sex all I want, but I'll never be able to change my DNA.
I suppose if I'm going to be truthful, I do think about sex, a lot (as do most men) and I still have an overpowering urge to try it. The only real difference between me and other men is that I have yet to experience it.
I have come to see this whole thing as nothing more than a big pissing contest where the "Alpha males" (those with a healthy level of self confidence) are the men who have the most success with women (note I'm only talking about heterosexuals here as I have no experience, nor any idea how things work with gays, bisexuals, etc.). These men attract the most desirable women. Often these are simply the best looking women, and the men will often have nothing in common with any of them because society has taught them to only seek out attractive women and they have been conditioned to lie to themselves about what it is that they really want in a relationship.
From what I can tell, the women are attracted to a man with self confidence first and foremost, which is why the stereotypical "nice guy" always finishes last. Not because he's nice to women, but because he nearly always has extremely low self confidence. This low self confidence is actually why he's so nice in the first place, he doesn't believe in himself and so he stays on everybody's good side in order to minimize conflict. Women then pick up on this fact, and are therefore unable to respect him because of it.
As for the other less confident men that still manage to find relationships, I feel that they are simply finding women who are either unable to attract the "Alpha male" or have been with an "Alpha male" and were hurt upon finding out that he wanted them only for sex, he abused them, etc. and they are now simply settling for something less than what they wanted. This, to me, explains why you see so many men who are "whipped" in their marriages and basically kissing their wife's ass at every turn.
In conclusion, while I do have the same urges as every other man my age, I feel that the real problem is that men are taught from a young age to simply go for the most attractive woman they can get. Completely disregarding any other factors that would be relevant in any sort of long term relationship, including marriage. Women, from what I've noticed, if they are anywhere near reasonably attractive, will get hit on by several men everyday. Therefore, they have seen the desperation in so many "nice guys" that they are completely blown away by the confidence when and if an "Alpha male" decides to pursue her. This is what I feel builds her desperation: she's thinking "this guy is different" or "I really hope this one calls me back" all the while she's probably one of several that he hit on that night. For men, dating is truly a numbers game. The "Alpha male" will hit on women all night, and a lot of them will really be hoping for him to call her back. The "nice guys" will do the same, but they are not likely to be running through any woman's head all night if she was approached by the "Alpha male" as well.
This whole thing really seems ridiculous to me, and I suppose that's why I'm on here, I'm tired of lying about what I want, and I'm tired of being lied to by people who may not even be interested in me in the first place. Simply stringing me along as a second option in case the other guy doesn't call her back. I truly wish I lived in a world where people didn't lie so much, but that's not the case, and I'm positive that the main reason I'm still single is because I lack self confidence.
Anyway, I rambled the hell out of that one, but please tell me your thoughts and correct me if I'm wrong on any of this. I'll admit that I most definitely do not know everything, so I'm sure something here must be at least a little bit off.
Yeah. Hello, future Marc Lepine of Lansing.
Anyway, so here's my response. It took me damn near an hour to formulate and proofread, and I have yet to get an answer. Here's hoping he wants to take my words to heart and not be offended at them instead.
Well, I'd have to disagree on a goodish chunk of that. I mean, your entire soliloquy here smacks of biological determinism, and while I can't argue with you that we really are little more than highly intelligent animals, I must say that due to our intelligence, we have the ability to rise above that and enjoy our lives in ways that other species can't. I'd even go so far as to say we have an obligation to do so. To reduce ourselves as people down to "alpha males" and prey...that's almost offensive, as we are so much more than that should we choose to be.
Furthermore, as someone who fights daily for gender equality & has been a feminist since she was a child, I'm also quite bothered by the notion you seem to have of women being passive prey for men to conquer and mount las trophies. That attitude is borderline misogynistic & doesn't do you any favors. Women like me may potentially be a rare breed, but if I'm truly interested in someone, I show interest. I don't play hard to get, I don't play mind games, and I don't sit there waiting for a man (or woman, for that matter) to pursue me. In viewing women as a faceless, teeming mass of potential tail instead of individual people with unique personalities whom you may have the joy of getting to know, you do yourself more damage than any lack of self-confidence that may burden you. No woman wants to feel like you're hitting on her just because you think she's in your league (which, if you're oozing desperation, isn't flattering) and think you might get lucky. People of ANY gender want to feel special and like you're paying attention to them because they're themselves, not because they just happen to have the requisite genitalia you're after. You have to value people - and experiences - for what they are. Having superficial goals ensures you superficial results. The acquisition of sex is not a "numbers game" or a hunting game unless you don't aspire to rise above herd mentality, and treating it like that not only does one a disservice in searching for a connection but really serves to ruin things when someone is actually found.
I don't know if you've ever read the Kama Sutra, but there's a concept it employs of there being different varieties of penises and vaginas (lingam/yoni)...hares/bulls/stallions in men & does/mares/"cow-elephants" in women. It goes on to detail the importance not of degrading those considered "small" or "big", but instead to partner with someone whose genitalia matches yours. A hare mating with a "cow-elephant" may not go so well, and it doesn't mean that either of them are lacking or defective - just means they're better suited for someone else. That concept really applies in a big way when it comes to dating and interpersonal relationships. You can't view each rejection as a personal failure - just recognize that the person in question just probably wasn't suited for you. And so be it! One is better off alone than mismatched with someone unsuitable. I know. I've been there multiple times in my life, and I surely haven't seen the last of it. If you try smashing a square peg into a round hole & don't succeed, does that mean there's something inherently wrong with either peg or hole?
Also, with your ideas of women "settling" for less than the alpha male? That's actually pretty upsetting as well, reason being that it also enforces this ancient & misguided notion that men are Tarzan - hear him roar/pound his chest - and that women are simply aimless whores trying to outdo each other on the societal totem pole by the quality of the man they hook. Instead of assuming that a woman was hurt or abused by a so-called alpha male, why could it not be that she simply found another person with whom she connected, even if he isn't a "prime cut"? Or even if we were to entertain the stereotype that any woman who appears to be "settling" has been hurt and therefore goes for these men, could it not be because she discovered that, in her pursuit of the alpha male, she really DIDN'T want a partner like that? Not because she was abused, but because she found the alpha male personality grossly unappealing once she actually got to see it for what it was? You don't give women nearly enough credit. We're not brainless moppets.
I mean, take me for example. I've had dealings with a couple alpha males before while dating, and it's highly unlikely that I'd ever do that again. Would you assume that it's because they hurt me & I've been knocked down a few self-esteem points as a result? If so, you do me a great injustice. When I got to know these people on a true and genuine basis, I disliked them. I found them vapid, flaky, vain and obnoxious. Would you want a partner with such wretched character traits? I sure as hell didn't. Not everyone's standards are the same, you know. Not every person aspires to "bag" the same type of person. For example, I tend to date overweight people. Because they're considered less attractive and therefore "easier", you ask? Hell no. I find them quite attractive. Most of the overweight people I've known tend to be more distinctive and unique, therefore increasing their appeal to me. I look at them and see someone who is (more or less) comfortable in their own skin & who can enjoy life without fear of societal repercussion & social ostracization. Who WOULDN'T want someone like that? Only someone who still lets the media dictate what's attractive to them.
Furthermore, with this idea of men being "whipped" in marriages...have you ever pondered that maybe some men enjoy that role? I'm not talking in terms of BDSM, but there are some men out there who genuinely enjoy having a more laid-back role in their relationships, and others still who enjoy doting on their wives as much as they possibly can. Some men just don't give a shit either way. More power to them if that's what brings them joy/happiness/peace! Why does it have to be an issue of power transfers with men "losing" if they're less dominant within the confines of a relationship? Why does it not seem to me that you'd feel the same way if a woman were less dominant? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the impression I'm getting from you.
And don't get me wrong. I understand your desire for sex. Sex is great - or it can be, anyway. You can't view sex as a goal, though. Doing that really cheapens it. I'm no prude and I'm far from one of those "save-it-til-you're-married" advocates, but sex is meant to be enjoyed as a beautiful connection between two (or more) people with genuine chemistry. Trust me on this one; casual sex is awkward and usually incredibly shitty. I spent a good year or so engaging in that, then when I realized how empty and unfulfilling it was, I enjoyed celibacy for two years. Spending that time alone helped me to reflect and realize just how much more enjoyable sex is when it's with someone with whom you really connect.
Plus, almost all women have men sexually harassing them on a near-daily basis. It gets tiresome at best and leaves you feeling shaken and vulnerable at worst. If you give off the vibe that you're also just wanting sex & viewing the woman you're talking to as little more than a potential orifice, you're right; you AREN'T going to stand out in a woman's mind - alpha male or not. Chasing women for no other reason than leaving the Virgin Islands is a good way to make sure you stay very, very lonely. If all you're looking for is a warm hole to smash it into, I can teach you how to make a biodegradable masturbatory sheath with a banana peel and a toilet paper roll. You aren't doing yourself any favors by reducing everyone - yourself included - to the sum of our collective crotches.
I want you to know I'm not trying to be critical of you, nor attack you. I don't dig ad hominems. I know I have probably come off as very forceful and angry in this message, and that's not my intent. For that, I do apologize. My wish for you is that you're able to rise above this toxic mindset & embrace dating - and LIFE - for what it really is. I'm just saddened that you are stuck with these antiquated notions of gender roles & interpersonal connections, as it's clearly crippling & frustrating your search for companionship. No woman - hell, no PERSON - wants to date someone who constantly acts like they hate or can't trust you just by virtue of their past pain & rejections.
I mean, everything you've written so far gives to me the impression that you would be most pleased with a wholly passive doormat of a woman who opens her legs at the snap of your fingers and never opens her mouth except to shove your dick into it, and that you resent all women solely based on their gender, since you haven't had a woman like that fall into your lap yet & you feel women "owe" you something as a result. If that's not what you're after, you might want to attempt some introspection, since that's probably not the impression you want to give off to everyone else and right now, with what you've written to me, it's positively radiating off you.
If that IS all you're after...well, good luck. You're going to need it.
Can't wait for my inbox in the morning.